Well, it’s nearly Valentine’s Day, so let’s get into my latest argument with my significant other. I know, I know, I literally just posted about how we’re in couple’s counseling. I’m sure you’re thinking “Serafina,… More
Well hey there Eggpiers. Long time no see. Well, I guess we never really see you, but it’s been a long time since you’ve seen us. And the reason is… we’re taking a summer break. Not because we have summers off like teachers or Halloween store employees, but because we’re planning on jointly summering in Monaco, and while there is internet access, we won’t be using it. Assuming we don’t forget which casino we lost our passports at (again), we’ll be back with bells on in the fall to finally fulfill our promise of writing the world’s 200,000,000th pumpkin bread recipe. #doinggodswork
Until then, I’ll regale you with this fine whole wheat vegan muffin with mixed berries. It’s a delightful recipe my aunt found on pintrest. Personally, I’ve never been able to navigate pintrest since it seems to be nearly impossible to click on any actual content, but I managed to hand write the recipe from her phone and then proceeded to ignore all of the instructions. Unlike Pintrest I’ll actually tell you how to make this recipe instead of just spamming you with photos. I mean, I’m still spamming people with photos, but that’s on Instagram. It’s
way less equally bad.
Vegan Berry Muffins, recipe adapted from this blog which hasn’t been updated since 2012 (when did my aunt find this on Pintrest? Was Pintrest even around then?) The original recipe used cp. as an abbreviation for cup, which is the same amount of characters. That doesn’t impact the recipe, but I couldn’t get past it.
1 1/3 cups whole wheat flour
1/2 cup sugar
1/3 cup chia seeds or ground flax seeds
1 tsp salt
1 tsp baking powder
1 tsp baking soda
1 tsp Vanilla Extract
1 tsp cinnamon
1/3 cup olive oil
2/3 cup almond milk or whatever milk you want to use
3/4 cup mixed berries
Mix the dry ingredients in a large bowl. Wet ingredients in a medium bowl. Mix them together and then fold in berries. Don’t over mix because vegan baked goods feel sad when you mix them too much. Divide between 12 muffin cups and sprinkle with a little bit of sugar. Bake in a 375° oven for about 30 minutes until a toothpick or skewer comes out clean.
Mary Ellen and I expect all of you to make these muffins daily until we get back.
Dear Eggplanters, my blog partner and I have no concept of time anymore, and realized that we were working off calendars from different years (1976 and 1982, respectively). So now that we’ve synced to 1824, we shouldn’t have as many embarrassing scheduling fiascos.
I would also like to address some concerns fans have written about in regards to my latest recipes. I’ve gotten hundreds of emails more or less asking the question, “Mary Ellen, did you become a vegan?”
I toiled away at that question for weeks, and wasn’t quite sure how to answer it. Veganism is a highly personal spiritual awakening. I thoroughly enjoy jumping on, into, and underneath bandwagons. I also love handing out pamphlets, and I just assumed this was part of the diet.
So did I become vegan?
Sadly, despite the pamphlet aspect, I am not a vegan. However, I’ve been posting mostly vegan recipes because my diet lately is heavily leaning vegan due to a bunch of foods causing me distress. I’m basically a home vegan that sometimes goes buck wild when released into the world. So far, this mental and physical compromise is working and my health should be good enough soon to get back on my regular drinking schedule.
Okay, so burritos.
I am really obsessed with breakfast burritos but I live in an area where they are kind of hard to find, and when you do find them, they suck and most definitely don’t have potatoes in them. What is wrong with people? What’s with the potato misers? Anyway, I set out to make a really simple, potato-heavy, food-truck-tasting, breakfast burrito.
I plan on revisiting this recipe a lot and trying out sauces (mostly spicy) and even a vegan nacho cheese to change up the flavor, but this recipe is great if you want something simple and you’re a spice wimp. This recipe also works well if you just don’t want to go shopping for a ton of shit because it uses a lot of pantry staples.
Vegan Breakfast Burrito
– 2 lbs potatoes (I used fingerling because I’m fancy and also I hate when things are chopped evenly)
– 1 block of tempeh, chopped
– 1 tsp garlic powder (plus more to sprinkle on potatoes)
– 1/4 tsp salt (plus more for potatoes)
– 1/4 tsp onion powder (plus more for potatoes)
– Ground pepper
– Smoked paprika
– Vegan butter
– Olive oil
– Hummus (you could also make a sriracha ranch and that would be bomb)
– Vegan parmesan (optional)
– Spinach and arugula (or lettuce, I guess)
Heat a large skillet with the vegan butter and add the potatoes and season them well with salt, pepper, garlic and onion powder, and the paprika. Sauté the potatoes until they are browned. I covered my pan with foil to get them done faster.
In a medium bowl, coat the tempeh with about 1/2 tsp of oil and then toss them in the measured out garlic, onion, salt and pepper ingredients. Heat another skillet with oil or butter (or use the potato one when the potatoes are done) and sear the tempeh until it’s brown and crispy on both sides (don’t cover).
Prepare the burrito: smear some hummus, add the greens, and then portion out whatever you want of the potatoes and tempeh and wrap that burrito.
I hope you all will enjoy your burritos, because I know I did. And I hope you all will forgive me for not becoming a vegan (or basically being a vegan, just take your pick).
Your local cow is someone’s daughter,
Have all yous heard of Buddha bowls? They were very “in” a couple years ago with the blog community, and prior to that vegetarians like myself were eating bowls of grains, pulses, and veggies and just being like “this is food.”
All of the Buddha bowl recipes I’ve seen have been very intricate. Make sure you soak the grains and pulses so they are more digestible. There should be at least 14 kinds of veggies in the two cups of food you’re about to eat. Make sure you soak the grains. Are you using sprouted beans or a fermented vegetable protein? Because those are the only two options that exist. If you don’t arrange it as fancy as possible and also post it to instagram it definitely doesn’t count as a Buddha bowl.
Anyway, my Buddha bowl is almost exactly like that classic version, except the only part I followed was the posting to Insta and blogging about it. I also wanted my Buddha bowl to work as meal prep since it is really stupid to make only one portion of food, and it’s not like my boyfriend will eat rice and beans for dinner with me. So I set out to create a meal, nourishing, but barely involving cooking, that works really well as meal prep for pack-able work lunches. I happened to make my Buddha bowls at 11pm before the start of my work week, because I find that meal prep goes faster when you start an hour after your bedtime.
Start with some aduki beans (I think they’re also called adzuki beans sometimes). I like to use aduki beans because they’re one of the few beans that can safety be eaten at work without investing in special fart filtering underwear . I went with canned beans because I don’t like my 11pm meal prep to take 12 hours.
You’re also going to want some brown rice, or, like, another kind of grain. I found these microwavable brown rices and frequently use them for work lunches or times that I’m feeling very lazy.
And now we get to the “cooking” of this Buddha bowl. I imagine you could maybe use raw vegetables, but you’re still going to need to chop them or something, so you might as well chop up a bunch of greens and saute them in a tiny bit of oil, garlic powder, and salt. This was the longest, most taxing part of my late night meal prep. It took somewhere in the range of 3-5 minutes. But it was worth the investment. I bought a yam to roast for these Buddha bowls. It’s still sitting on my counter.
Buddha bowls are traditionally served with simple, but time consuming, homemade sauces. I opted for premade goddess dressing and packed it separately in a tiny container. I had a delicious meal at work two days in a row, and it was almost so good that I forgot that I have to spend most of my time working to afford my dog’s prescription food.
Remember to take 40 pictures of your work lunch and post all over social media
This week, I’m going to take a seriously investigative look at how food blogs are big liars and contribute to mass anxiety of the Mormon housewives who don’t have their own blogs.
And it’s NOT because I royally messed up my recipe for today’s post…
Okay, so I actually messed up the recipe for today’s post. It had some great potential, but I flew too close to the sun. It also left the house smelling amazing, which was just a painful reminder of my inadequacies. My husband came home and was excited to eat whatever smelled so amazing, and when I told him it didn’t exist he called me a SOB and cried openly on a dog. Things are awkward at the house now.
But just because I messed up my recipe doesn’t mean blogs don’t lie 100% of the time. This somehow absolves me.
So what went wrong?
I got this book a couple months ago and it’s really been life changing. The recipes are actually amazing, and yes, I did pay someone to sponsor this opinion.
I actually did make the recipe on the front cover (buffalo cauliflower sandwiches), and followed it exactly, and it was a huge hit.
I thought to myself, I could do this even better by frying it! Sounds innocent enough. I had some personal issues with the batter from the original recipe in the fact that, some batter got in the cauliflower steak crevices and was a little underdone. I thought frying would solve this problem.
Anyway, frying made a mess, everything fell apart, and I made a huge mess in the kitchen that took an hour to clean.
Will I try to fry these again? You bet your ass I will. I am looking to get that southern, crispy, fried chicken look. I will be back, bitches.
Gonna get a deep fryer now,
Hello, Eggplanters! I’m sure you missed me, Mary Ellen. Unless you’ve never noticed that there are multiple writers for this blog, in which case, fuck you, because one of us clearly pulls most of the weight (it’s not me).
So, I went on vacation, but then contracted scabies on the pirate ship I commissioned to get me to my honeymoon destination. It’s been a long month and I’m already always drunk so nothing can save me at this point.
In addition to being ill, I really haven’t left my house in a very long time. I considered opening a tab and having a standing order at Pizza Hut to get me through the dark times. This has lead to a shortage of food at my home. I have no food. Send food. Can you Venmo me some food? Is that what Venmo is? Someone help.
Anyway, I was hungry at an acceptable breakfast hour, and luckily I had some steel cut oats. Everything you see in the following pictures is all I have at my house, plus coffee, and two cans of not La Croix.
Let’s make some oatmeal!
- Nut Butter
You might have to google how to make oats or reference a book. Go to the library and ask a librarian over for breakfast and maybe he or she can make you a better breakfast. Anyway, I buy oats in the bulk section with my reusable hippie bags and I think for steel cut oats it’s a 1:4 ratio of oats and water. Don’t correct me if I’m wrong because I’m already stuck in my ways. Add salt to your bath water. Er, I mean, oat water.
When the oats are done, add the other ingredients to your taste. It’s fine, it’s a passable breakfast, and you are still better than all of us that succumbed to the bagel shop down the road. Good job. But you don’t have to be a smug asshole about it.
I promise to deliver more quality content such as this next week (Serafina is taking a long bath next week and is busy).
Friends, if you’re anything like me, you’ve realized that modern medicine is bullshit and turned to new-age alternative that are not only more expensive but lack any evidence of effectiveness. It’s amazing. But after thinking momentarily about trying a mushroom latte or turmeric milk, I remembered my attempt to make ginger beet juice and threw up in my mouth a little bit. But fear not, I still love the other, more mainstream old school hippie shit like sourdough and kombucha.
I was reading up on fermentation recently and I got to a chapter on health benefits of fermented food, which is awesome. I’m all about cultivating good gut flora. But then there was a section just casually mentioning that sauerkraut is safer and more effective than vaccines. And that is a terrifying thing to say for several reasons, but most importantly, because sauerkraut is fucking gross. I was going to go into a bit here about how antivaxxers are actually heroes who are fighting overpopulation with their own children, but I’d hate for someone who failed 7th grade biology to misunderstand my unsubtle sarcasm. So instead I’ll move on, and strongly advise, with the full weight of my graduate degree in the medical field, that sauerkraut is fucking gross.
I’ve already established that sourdough is incredible, and I’m sure you were able to make the perfect loaf already with my flawless method. Breadly Cooper (my sourdough starter) and I wish you all the best in your bread-making. Another non-gross way to get some delicious fermented food in your life is to get a scoby and start making some kombucha. As with the sourdough, I’ve been doing this for like 1-2 months, so I’m basically an expert. Some general guidelines:
- Name your scoby and treat it like a pet. Introduce it to your sourdough starter so they feel like they are building a strong community of microbial pets in the home.
- Activate your scoby if you got a dry one (not necessary if someone gave you a baby that their scoby had- which is a real thing that happens, and it seems so much less awful than human childbirth) and then brew up some kombucha tea
- Forget that you are making kombucha for about a month, then remember, bottle some of it and save some for your next batch.
I got Scoby-Doo at a local natural food store and after activating my new little pet, I’ve made one whole bottle of strawberry kombucha. Not that anyone did the math her, but between the scoby, tea, sugar, strawberries, and special glass bottles I had to buy for the project, I spent about $40 dollars on one bottle of kombucha. #worthit
I’m not going to go into the details of how to activate a scoby and brew kombucha here, because, well, that seems like a lot. But I believe in you and your google skills. And just think of how proud your microbial pets will be when you learn not to kill them!
- 3 strawberries
- Kombucha that is ready to be bottled
- Clean bottle with an airtight seal
- Put your ingredients together in the chosen vessel
- Allow to sit at room temperature to get fizzy (about 3-7 days). Once fizzy, store in the fridge until you are ready to use.
- Have a private kombucha and sourdough party with Scoby-Doo and Breadly Cooper, excluding all of the other household pets who didn’t bother to make you food. Make sure to invite the chickens because they give you eggs.
Oh, hey there friends. Did we go like 2 or 3 weeks without a post? Listen, I’d love to come to you all and blame the economy and the border wall, but Mary Ellen and I made a commitment to our readers, so you’re going to get the truth. When you run a small internet blog company, you don’t always invest in the essentials right off the bat, so 1.5 years in and Mary Ellen and I have been sending our vacation requests to HRbot@mailerdaemon.eggplantandpie.com. Somehow we both thought the other was monitoring the inbox, and, well, in addition to booking the same time off, we ended up on a 2-week vacation at the same international swingers’ resort! Imagine our surprise when my boyfriend and Mary Ellen’s new husband realized they knew each other 10 hours into the Wednesday Men’s Tantric Seminar. Anyway, Mary Ellen and I are spinning from our whirlwind vacations, but between heavy doses of antibiotics and some prescription strength ointment, we’re back and ready to continue bringing all of you the high-quality posts you’ve come to expect.
Whether you’re recovering from mild nipple burns and gimp suit related chafing or working on getting your gag reflex back, it’s important to be kind to your body. You need to eat wholesome, real food and drink either acidic or alkaline water (I can’t remember which one was better, but I read an article about how the neutral pH of water is toxic and should be avoided at all costs).
I’ll walk you through my process of meeting the specialized nutritional needs of the post-vacation body.
- Find an ethnic food that is either different, or the same as the area you just came from
- Ask Siri or Google what restaurants are near you.
- Log into Uber Eats or another food delivery app because you were out of your house for so long it would be impossible to leave again today.
- Order all the food, focusing on the food pyramid which was switched to a plate. I wanted to include the food plate pyramid thing, but I didn’t feel like googling it. So instead I recreated it with my award winning illustration skills. It’s probably more scientifically accurate and artistically nuanced than the one published by the USDA.
- Eat food, in your pajamas while watching Netflix
Just five easy steps to the perfect post-vacation meal!
Friends, I know you were all a little disappointed after Mary Ellen’s last post. I mean, she didn’t even tell you how to make the bread you were toasting before you had to combine different sprinkle colors. This kind of inattention to recipe details is frankly embarrassing, and I don’t mind publicly blasting her for it.
I mentioned a few weeks ago that I was making sourdough and, not only was I the kind of absolute monster that didn’t share the bread with my adorable new puppy, but I also didn’t share the recipe with any of you. I’m going to rectify that today (sort of) and let you know how you absolutely need to stop what you are doing and spend like 9 hours making sourdough.
I’ve tried my hand at bread making a few times over the years and was always so disappointed with the lightning-fast process. 2 hours from start to finish. I’m making my own bread here, not taking a dump. I’d like to savor the experience, dabble with the dough for a few minutes every three or four hours, really fill up what could otherwise be a productive day. But, I’m a busy woman who spends an entire day making one or two loaves of bread, I don’t have time to wax on about this. I also don’t have time to give you any coherent information about how to get into the fast and loose sourdough lifestyle so, that’s probably disappointing for you.
A “comprehensive” guide to making sourdough
Step 1: Obtain a sourdough starter or make your own.
Step 2: feed your sourdough starter regularly. I named my sourdough and make sure I interact with it regularly. I’m actually not going to tell your starter how to take care of this microbial pet. Google it or check out an actual resource.
Step 3: make sourdough bread!!!
Ingredients for two loaves, halve the recipe for just one loaf
- 800 grams flour (I like to use 1/3 or so whole wheat flour)
- 260 ml water
- 320 grams sourdough starter
- 20 grams (about 4 tsp) salt
- Mix ingredients
- Knead for, like, ever. Or 10 minutes. Or until the dough is soft and just right. TBH, every time I knead dough I am 100% certain I either over or under kneaded it and I have no idea which one.
- Prove for 4 hours
- Re-knead and divide in half.
- Prove for another 4 hours
- Bake for about 30 minutes. Either in a dutch oven or on a baking sheet and throw some water in the oven with it. Seriously, I’m not typing out the details. You’re going to need to look at a much better source to do this correctly
Bread is life
It’s unfortunate (for you) that I’m the one posting the week before St. Patrick’s Day, because I’m not exactly a fan of this particular holiday. Green is just not one of my colors, so I end up having a sore hand from all the slapping I have to do because people try to pinch me.
I am, however, Irish in heritage, so I feel obligated to do something.
So I made toast.
That’s authentic, right? Also, I made toast inspired by a favorite childhood cereal because Irish people like cereal, right? I dunno.
Perhaps research would have helped me out today, but eh, it’s Friday and I have to save my hand muscles.
Since toast is kind of involved I was careful to document the entire process, except the toasting process, which I forgot to document. Here’s instruction on how to do that.
Crunchy Cinnamon Toast!
- Liquid sweetener (I used agave, but honey or maple syrup would suffice)
- Ground cinnamon
- Spinkles (optional)
Toast your bread. See the link above for instructions.
Butter your bread, liberally.
Drizzle your sweetener. [insert Ariana Grande reference]
Sprinkle the cinnamon.
Sprinkle with green sugar sprinkles.
Alright, now that you’ve eaten this balanced breakfast, go out and flog your Molly or whatever the kids do.
Friends! I was going to spend an unreasonable amount of time ranting and also show off my new hobby of making naturally leavened bread, but instead I got a puppy. You see, I’m always competing with Mary Ellen, and when she decided to replace her husband with a new model, I decided to get rid of my boyfriend and get a dog. Wait, the boyfriend might still be here…
Yep, just checked and his xbox is still in the living room. Maybe I didn’t get rid of him and he just went to work. You know, it really doesn’t matter. He can be here or not. The point is that I got a dog. And found a new recipe for vegan cake because immediately before getting my dog I was house-sitting, out of eggs, and in dire need of cake. So this is the vanilla version of my vegan chocolate cake. If you go with cupcakes, and not, like, an actual cake, don’t try to shove all the batter into 12 cupcakes. They’ll all overflow and you’ll hate yourself. Go with 14 and put some water in the empty cupcake spots. It’s a pain in the ass but it’s worth it.
I’m also a fancy person who decided to put raspberry filling in my cake. I looked up how Martha Stewart did it and used her method. You don’t have to be as fancy as Martha Stewart and me. But I will judge you if you choose to omit the filling.
Vegan vanilla cupcakes
- 1 3/4 cups flour
- 1 teaspoon baking soda
- 1/2 teaspoon salt
- 1 cup sugar
- 1/3 cup oil
- 2 teaspoons vanilla
- 1 teaspoon vinegar
- 1 cup water
- Butter (vegan if you’re keeping things vegan)
- Powdered sugar
- Small amount of vanilla
- A few splashes almond milk
- Raspberry jam
Makes 14 cupcakes or one 9-inch round/8-inch square cake.
- Whisk all dry ingredients together
- Make 3 wells in the dry ingredients. Pour oil into one, vinegar into one, and vanilla into one. Pour 1 cup cold water over everything and stir until combined.
- Bake at 350 for 20-30 min.
- Cut a hole in the top of the cupcake and pull out a small chunk. Save the chunk put in about a teaspoon of raspberry jam then replace the chunk of cupcake and frost. Did I just diligently recipe test the cake for you, give you perfect detailed instructions, and then not even bother giving you rough guidelines for the buttercream frosting? Yes, yes I did.
Can’t stop to think of a witty sign off, my puppy is eating a couch