I think I’m only going to make soup until Mary Ellen gets un-kidnapped. It’ll be like a hunger strike, but I’ll still get to eat soup, which sounds nice. I thought about starting a fundraiser… More
When life gets stressful, it’s important to manage your health and nutrition. I recently started working from home more often. Not actually working from home, per se, but I’m home more often so I can focus on my rigorous studies, training to be the next Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman. When you don’t have coworkers around you and small, measurable workplace goals, it’s harder to keep yourself motivated and on task.
I’ve found that a well-timed, healthful snack is extremely important in my home productivity. It’s essential to ensure your snacks have whole grains and protein, which is why I swapped out half of the flour for whole wheat and kept the eggs in this recipe for cookie dough.
I like to have my first snack of the morning with coffee, after I’ve watched a few episodes of Dr. Quinn, taking detailed notes.
By mid-afternoon, I find that my energy levels are subsiding, so I make sure to have some healthful green tea (full of antioxidants and just a little jolt of caffeine), along with some sensible whole grains and protein
Now, by the time evening rolls around, I start to really drag. I’m going to be honest, every now and then I get an intense sugar craving, but sugar is so bad for you! So, I usually drink some sparkling water with a nice snack, chock full of fiber, protein, and healthy fats!
Happy, healthy snacking, everyone!
Sorry my post is late, but I am currently in the Caribbean and did not calculate the time change correctly. Plus, I don’t even know what day it is. Ever.
When I looked into the mirror last week, I was incredibly disappointed in the way I looked. Ugly is too kind a word. I can’t believe Annie hasn’t filed for divorce yet, though he’s been suspiciously googling lawyers lately.
I decided to take a trip to the Caribbean for some self care / #treatyoself time.
I left for the red eye immediately. I didn’t even buy a plane ticket or make plans beforehand, or actually even tell Annie. He will find out if he reads this post because I also forgot my phone and underwear so I bought both at the airport.
It wasn’t just the change of scenery that was rejuvenating. My body also needed a cleansing so I make sure to only consume high grade alcohols and I sweat out the toxins when I drunkedly ran the beach trying to find my tour guide. It was spiritual.
As for my skin? I felt that wearing a charcoal mask for the majority of the time was effective.
All in all, the trip has been a success. I’ll be heading home in about three months I think.
Next time I’ll share a healthy recipe to heal your toxic shit body too.
That guy isn’t Spock,
(Growing, Cutting, and Arranging Flowers for Everyday Enjoyment)
When I was born, my parents considered naming my Martha Stewart, but they we worried about the effect that my success would have on the original Martha Stewart. They eventually chose to stick with our family name, Berafina, and go with my biblical first name (we are devout theoretical Quakers).
It took many years for me to finally accept my natural superiority at the domestic arts. My staunch Vegan-Texas-Stripper brand of feminism often clashed with my natural proclivities, but I learned to integrate the two after a deeply spiritual experience in a vegan leather bondage shop.
I moved into my current homestead several years ago. My initial experiments with raised beds were met with limited success, mostly due combination of chickens and no fencing. This year we tilled a garden patch and built a fence to keep the chickens out. I focused mostly on vegetables, but I made sure to include a few flowers to brighten up the immaculately designed garden patch.
Almost any long-stemmed flower lends itself well to cutting. Some of the varieties in my garden include daffodils, irises, lavender, black-eyed Susan, Gerber daisies, zinnias, dahlias, sunflowers, and marigolds.
You can see here that I have the flowers cut long enough for their container. I also recommend arranging them in an aesthetically appealing manner.
Every rose has its thorn
But I tried anyway.
And I’ll do it again!
I think this dish is trendy around where I used to live, because it was advertised everywhere. I never looked into it until quite recently, when I decided my lazy stir frys were boring and stupid and I just couldn’t handle any more soy sauce rice at that moment. You can tell by how eloquently I speak about food that I’m incredibly cultured, and have tasted the finer things in life.
I was also inspired by the egg rice battle that I temporarily had with Serafina on the blog, and technically this counts because it has rice and eggs.
[Warning: I’m talking out of my ass] Traditionally, this dish can be made to order in a hot stone bowl, which helps cook the raw egg, possibly the raw meat, and it crisps up the rice. I don’t have these materials or skills, so this is the lazy white girl version. If you listen to kpop or watch kdramas while making it, it enhances the flavors and spices and helps compensate around 30% for the fact you’re not a Korean grandmother.
BibimBap (adapted clunkily from My Korean Kitchen)
- Vegetables (I used a combination of fresh and frozen, including a julienned carrot)
- 4oz ground beef
- Meat sauce (from the My Korean Kitchen blog)
- Gochujang sauce (from the other blog, seriously, you need to get the recipe there I’m lazy)
- Rice (I used brown rice)
- A fried egg per person
- Sesame seeds
- Sesame oil
- Vinegar (I used rice vinegar)
- Rice bran oil
- Sugar, both brown and regular
- Minced garlic (I just used some from a jar)
Make up the meat sauce and marinate the beef with it while you work. This took my three hours because I got distracted and had to change poopy diapers and do other things equally exciting. Also make up the BibimBap sauce.
Prep the vegetables, whatever that might entail. I didn’t do much. I sautéed some frozen stir fry with oil and salt, and julienned a carrot. I did not cook the carrot because I wanted a fresh crunch to the dish. I also sliced up the seaweed.
Cook the beef, assemble the bowls with the rice and lay out the vegetables in a pretty way. Top with a fried egg and sprinkle with toasted sesame seeds, and drizzle with the sauce. I did not use raw meat or egg because I’m a coward and I would probably kill myself with food poisoning.
Maybe it’s because I’m a badass, but I didn’t think the sauce was that spicy, and loved it so much. It was only enough for two people in my opinion. Same with the beef. And I used a ton of vegetables. This is why I’m fat.
I hope this inspires you to try and create your own BibimBap masterpiece.
Always read the comment section,
I’ve been obsessed with making baklava since I had a late-night school-induced baklava binge last month. I figured, the ingredients are so simple it must not be hard to make. Most recipes brag that it only takes an hour of prep and then 45 minutes of baking, but they’re all liars. First you have to thaw dough overnight or for up to a full day. And for the prep, I watched exactly three 45 minute shows on Netflix while making this, so it took fucking forever. Also, I brought this to a work potluck, so I basically spent an eternity making a dish and only ate four or five pieces.
Overall, I don’t really recommend that anyone make baklava. Yeah, it’s expensive to buy baklava, but you probably aren’t going to do that very often. Mine was by far the best tasting baklava I’ve ever had, and I’m still probably never making this again. But, if you are under house arrest and someone is willing to get the ingredients for you, it might be worth it.
Recipe adapted from http://natashaskitchen.com/2014/12/21/baklava-recipe/
1 package of filo dough
2 sticks of butter
1.5 pounds of nuts (I used a mix of almonds and pistachios)
1 tsp cinnamon
1 cup sugar
Juice of ½ a lemon
1 cup water
½ cup honey
Thaw filo dough for 8-24 hours in the fridge and then take out about an hour before you’re ready to start making baklava
Make syrup first so it has a chance to cool. Boil water, honey, sugar, and lemon juice for about 4 minutes and then set aside to cool.
Melt butter and then butter the sides of a 9×13 pan.
Pulse nuts in food processor until they are coarsely ground, then stir together with cinnamon.
Set up a fairly large workspace (you actually need to clean your kitchen before you make baklava or you’ll end up yelling a lot, which will make your baklava taste angry).
Trim filo dough to about 9×13 or 9×14.
To butter the filo dough, I found that it was best to drip a lot of butter on the dough and then brush it around a little. It doesn’t have to be perfect. You don’t want to miss an important part of the show you’re watching since doing this without a distraction would be boring.
Buttering every other sheet, place 10 sheets of filo on the bottom of the pan. Then add a thin layer of nut mixture (about ¾ cup). From there, alternate 5 sheets of filo (buttering every other sheet) with ¾ cup nuts. When you are out of nuts, end with 10 sheets of filo on the top, but butter every sheet so these stick together better. Cut the baklava before baking either in squares or diagonals. Use a very sharp knife because it is easy to fuck up the filo dough. Bake for about 45 minutes, then immediately pour the syrup over the baklava. It sizzles in a very satisfying manner. Cool uncovered for several hours or overnight. Cut again before serving.
I can’t tell you what to do with your life, but if you have like three hours to dedicate to making baklava, you should probably re-evaluate your priorities.
I didn’t want to do another Saturday post, but here we are nonetheless. It’s no excuse, but I’ve been busy working on my heavy metal jazz infusion album, which drops this coming week. So, now that that’s out of the way, I should have a much less hectic schedule.
When I was growing up, my dad used to make us tomato sandwiches for lunch on the weekends. I loved them. I assumed he made them because we were so poor and couldn’t afford ingredients and also that he was lazy. But it turns out, that it was actually a southern thing I was unaware of until recently.
The recipe is easy: bread, tomato, mayo. That’s it. I’m sure you can figure out how those come together, but I’ll write down the recipe just in case.
And I’m going to make it fancy and pretentious.
There are a few simple rules to make any dish fancy. First, add butter. It doesn’t matter what it is, just add a lot of butter to the dish. Second, buy oddly shaped, expensive baked goods with a French name. And finally, make sure you add in at least seven extra steps to your dish to make it more complicated. It doesn’t matter if they’re unnecessary. Just do it.
Tl;dr – get all ingredients at Whole Foods and speak in a French accent while you cook.
The traditional recipe calls for Wonder Bread, whatever tomatoes are on sale, and generic fake mayo. We can only go up from here, people.
Mary Ellen’s Tomato Sandwiches to Make You Feel Sorry for Her Childood:
- Heirloom tomatoes
- Fancy bread
Melt butter in an iron skillet. No, none of this is negotiable. Go out and buy all these things. What? You want to just toast the bread in a toaster? Wtf is wrong with you? You toast the bread in the skillet!
Slice some tomato. Apply mayo to bread. Yes, I know, butter AND mayo? Isn’t that too much? Yes, but so what. Lightly salt the tomato with pink Himalayan salt. Lay down some lettuce. Put in mouth.
Make sure to buy my album. I will sign all digital copies, but only if you promise not to sell them on eBay.
Music is lyfe,
*****Editor’s note: don’t use whatever bullshit lettuce Mary Ellen used. It’s iceberg or bust if you want the satisfying crunch.
Man, oh, man, I’ve been having a lot of GI issues lately (I wish I could just insert a poo emoji here, but I don’t know how to do that on my computer… I’m only technically a millennial). Anyway, I’ve had a number of conversations with my significant other about how if I die from this illness, he will need to make sure my headstone reads “Here lies Serafina Bearafina, who died out of her butt”
I’m obviously hoping that doesn’t happen, but you have to have a plan in place.
Anyway, prior to my…problems, I was spending a shitload of time gardening. A few weeks ago, I made this lovely dish (I only mention that it was a few weeks ago so no one thinks that this curry will make you die out of your butthole)
This curry was born out of the most wonderful of circumstances. My boyfriend, who refuses to eat curry after an incident with his freshman year cafeteria, was away for the weekend. My garden produced about 10 zucchinis and some other unidentified stuff. And (most importantly), I discovered a jar of green curry paste that was about to expire. I know you all wish you can be as inspired in the kitchen as I am, but I’m hoping by sharing these little genuine moments, you can learn how to make edible food.
Brown rice, cooked
1-2 tsp coconut oil
Green curry paste
Splash of water
Several cups of garden vegetables (or grocery store vegetables if you don’t understand how to water your garden)
1 can coconut milk
1-2 tsp coconut aminos
1 tsp lime juice
Salt and pepper to taste
Cilantro to garnish
Cook your rice if you didn’t already (it doesn’t taste very good raw)
Heat coconut oil with ginger and garlic powder for a few moments, then add green curry and a splash of water. Add veggies and saute for a few minutes. Add coconut milk and cook until veggies are soft (maybe 15 minutes?) Once cooked, add lime juice, salt, pepper, and coconut aminos.
Try not to text your boyfriend a picture of all of the things he hates, unless you want to make sure he doesn’t actually come home.
Yesterday, Annie and I celebrated our five year anniversary, so sorry the post is a day late. I was too busy having celebratory sex all day. Just kidding. I’m married and have a one year old, so we were both sick with the plague again, after less than two weeks of health.
No one has ever asked us about the secret to our happy marriage, which kind of makes me a little resentful. How can I be smug as hell about it when no one asks? How can I bring it up in daily conversation, unprovoked?
A lot of Mormon mom blogs out there have very nice lists to a happy marriage. Usually the lists consist of having sex whenever your husband wants, and praying to Jesus. I can’t really argue with those list items, I suppose, because they really do go hand in hand. But what about the rest of us, who really just phone it in on a daily basis with, basically everything, until the point where our lives become a shit show?
Just like how I’m writing this post on the fly, with no forethought, because all my other planned posts will take too much effort and right now I’d really like to take a nap, that’s how I approach marriage. Sure, sometimes I plan things out. I waxed my legs recently. Sometimes I plan dinner in advance. But usually, my marriage is like an improve show, and the audience is throwing up the weirdest shit ever and we just have to say yes to it all in order to not get booed off the stage. There is no Emcee monitoring it, so it gets chaotic.
I’m so fucking deep. You guys are writing this all down, right?
Serafina was at my wedding, and I’ll never forget what she said to me, because they’re the words of a true friend:
“I can just keep driving and you don’t have to do this.”
I’m getting teary just thinking about that moment, when I almost ran away. Maybe it was the love I felt for Annie, or the confusion I felt for the “Call Me Maybe” song Serafina was blasting on the radio, or maybe it was my cousin forcing us to go to the venue, but I’m glad I got slightly buzzed and went through with it all the same. Because now, instead of running away from my problems, I can thrust them upon someone else to carry (and we still run away).
I hope this helps other couples with whatever they might be going through. If it doesn’t, bondage does wonders for any marriage, as well as your soul.
50 shades of sass,
I’m sorry that I’ve been MIA for a long while. I was sick, died, ressurected, and then I’ve been busy coming up with the perfect playlist for working out. I love making playlists for everything because they are the modern form of mix tapes, which I used to actually make for people all the time, because I was adorable/a creepy nerd. Have a crush? Let them know with a heartfelt compilation of emotional Hanson songs. I continued this tradition even with the advent of CDs, and even went so far as to make a “I’m sorry we broke up, I want to be friends, but I also still want to have sex with you/I will stalk you every day until you love me” mix. When CDs died, I ran to iTunes, and now I’m resting comfortably with Spotify.
Since I’ve been so busy making playlists, I hardly have time to cook, clean, or have foresight in general. Actually, I don’t think I even made dinner for my husband last night. I think I had a bowl of cereal, I wonder what he had?
I go back and forth on the egg thing. I love eggs most of the time, but then I need like, several months of a break. I make a lot of egg scrambles with whatever ingredients I have on hand. This recipe, however, was inspired by a dish at a local ramen spot near my house. A true gem of a place. We went with friends, and it took a couple of hours to get all our food, which was fine since they brought out my sake and I didn’t care about the rest. After like 90 minutes of still missing half our order, I walked up to one of the dudes walking around, and politely informed him that we were still missing our dishes, and like, wondered if they were going to get them for us. He didn’t speak English, and ran away. He was scared of me the rest of the night.
Anyway, one of our friends and Annie both ordered vegetable fried rice, and they brought out rice with egg in it, and no vegetables. I was jealous.
This recipe is not fried rice. I’m too lazy for that.
Egg Scramble with Rice (adapted from a local ramen joint with communication issues)
- 2 eggs
- 1 cup frozen vegetables of your choice
- Cheese (optional)
- 1/2 TBSP butter or oil
- 1/2 cup cooked rice of your choice
- Soy sauce
Heat butter or oil in a pan at medium heat and add vegetables. Cook until heated through and add cheese (if you want) until it melts.
Scramble the eggs in a bowl and pour into pan.
Prepare a bowl of rice and drizzle soy sauce in it and mix it in. Top it with the scramble and eat it while silently wishing you were eating cookies for lunch instead.
That’s all for this week. If you would like your own personalized mixtape from Mary Ellen, send an inquiry through the Contact Page and a representative will be with you within 1-12 days.
Scrambles are just free spirited omelettes.
AKA the ridiculous shit you eat when you never go to the grocery store
Oh, hi there, friends. It’s been a minute what with Mary Ellen’s baby getting her sick again (babies are so gross) and my summer Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman classes (we learned how to make hats!)
I’m just glad we’re all here now, so I can finally admit that I eat raw eggs. I had my chickens’ poop checked out by a vet, and for several months I went around telling people that there was no salmonella because my chickens are basically perfect. Then my boyfriend pointed out that the vet might not have checked for salmonella. What a dick. Both of them. I would have been perfectly fine living in my world without salmonella.
Anyway, I still eat raw eggs anytime I bake anything. And also, anytime I’m hungry.
I read about this somewhere. I thought it was the New Yorker, but I couldn’t find it. It’s not like it’s a hard “recipe” though…
About a cup of hot rice (I used white rice in the pictures, but I often use brown rice)
Seasonings (all optional): Siracha, toasted sesame oil, and/or coconut aminos (or soy sauce)
Place rice in bowl
Crack egg directly into bowl
Whisk the shit out of it with chop sticks until it gets foamy
Add seasonings if desired