Whoooo baby! I don’t know about you, but are you all perpetually sloshed just to get through the holidays? No? Just me? Are you all not the bane of your in-laws’ existence? Wow. This is awkward.… More
We had our first frost recently. Now all the plants are dead. Tomatoes are dead. Flowers are dead. Check out this dead sunflower.
It’s sad right? It was eaten by squirrels before the frost. Extra sad. It’s also dark when I leave the house every morning. Dark when I get home. So depressing.
PSYCHE!!! Nothing can be depressing when you’re hopped up on super healthy energizing elixirs!! Oh, yeah, it’s that time again. Serafina’s handing down some caffeine-induced (and whatever the fuck else is in energy drinks) wisdom!!
A golden-haired nymph appeared and gave me the idea for this wondrous, soul-saving concoction. Was she a hallucination? Maybe. Probably not, because it was before I drank the elixir. I forgot to take a picture of her when she was here so I recreated it for all of you with my famous courtroom illustrator skills
Mango Naked Juice
Mix energy drink first and then mango, then stir.
Conquer all obstacles. Sing a song about conquering your obstacles. Stop singing, you’re getting distracted. That sounded really good though, make a note to yourself to get some audio recording software to share your gift with the world. Go to the store and buy more mango smoothie and energy drinks before it starts to wear off. Don’t worry if you can’t sleep anymore, you should just drink more energy drinks to combat the urge to sleep.
Always listen to the golden-haired nymph.
Dear Serafina, I’m upset with you. If you were going to get addicted to something (energy drinks), then you should have told me because I like to do everything my friends are doing. Are we not friends? Don’t answer that, I need to go cry in my REGULAR coffee now.
It’s really no secret that I have an unhealthy obsession with my blog partner, Serafina. So it was really only a matter of time before I tried to rip off one of her recipes. When looking for a wholesome recipe to feed my lactose-intolerant family, I looked no further than the cheese laden lasagna. I just felt that, you know, I could deteriorate it a little.
Like removing those pesky vegetables.
Now, technically I removed all vegetables, because I’m still not sure if tomatoes are one or not. There’s still tomatoes in the sauce.
Also, I made this recipe for the pro-lazys who want to make one stop to Trader Joe’s and get everything they need and do almost no prep.
Sounds exciting, doesn’t it?
Notice that you don’t even need to do cheese prep?
Ingredients (get everything from TJ’s to optimize lazy):
- Marinara sauce
- No boil lasagna noodles
- Mozzarella cheese
- Parmesan, or a cheese blend that has parmesan
- Whole milk ricotta
- 1 egg
- Garlic powder
- Onion powder
Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Pour some marinara sauce in a casserole dish of your choosing to lightly cover the bottom (about 1/4 to 1/2 cup). Prep your ricotta mix in a medium sized bowl. Add ricotta, parmesan (around 1/4 cup), whisked egg, and all seasonings to your preference and thoroughly mix.
It depends on your casserole dish on how many layers you’ll have, but it’ll go something like: sauce, noodles, ricotta, little bit of sauce, noodles, ricotta, little bit of sauce, noodles, ricotta, noodles, sauce, cheese.
Throw the lasagna in the oven, uncovered, for 30-35 minutes. Let it cool a bit before eating it. Not because I care you’ll burn yourself, but because it’s harder to cut. Just fucking be patient, okay?
“I hate Mondays.” – Sandra Bullock
Sometimes life gets chaotic and there isn’t time for homemade cookies, cookie dough, or the many other healthful snack ideas that we have on this site. Sometimes you realize that your masters thesis is due in like two weeks, other times something more relevant to you might happen. Either way, I’m here to guide you through the wonderful snacks that will hopefully save you so your dreams aren’t ruined and you don’t have to cry in the shower until there’s no more hot water every night for the rest of your life.
A wonderful place to start is with healthy beverages to optimize your energy. I rely on coffee most of the time, but in extreme cases, it’s fine to put whatever the fuck is in these drinks in your body. Maybe they’ll help. At least that’s what I’m counting on.
After your heart is racing and your stomach is queasy from energy drinks, it’s a good idea to get some wholesome food in your body. Shit, maybe we should have started with food, but you know what, it’s too late now. These foods don’t go together, but they are the only things in my refrigerator right now aside from energy drinks and almond milk.
Healthy snacks can make a monumental difference in your energy levels and mood throughout the day. For example, before I ate this cookie, I seriously considered pouring tea all over my laptop because the lecture I was watching was mildly irritating. Since finishing the cookie and remembering I have an old broken laptop I keep around for displacing my violent inclinations toward technology, I’m feeling much more regulated.
Another healthful snack that will hopefully stave off your aggressive and destructive tendencies for a few blissful moments is the fruit snack. Fruit snacks are perfection. It’s like someone noticed that it was ridiculous that fruit had all that fiber and shit in it, and was like, “Don’t worry guys, I’ve got this.” I accidentally bought fruit snacks that have vitamin C in them. It’s ok, they still tasted fine.
Just remember, your achievements are only limited by the amount of sugar you can eat in a sitting.
Before I get into my totally non-bullshit post today, I would like to dispute Serafina’s lies from her last post. I’m an expert at being self-righteous, so listen to me. I didn’t read whatever book she was talking about, and I never will because I don’t even read this blog, but I can say with total confidence that you don’t need to grow your own shit to feel better than everyone.
It’s called Farmer’s Markets + Instagram.
I’ve sung Instagram’s praises before, but really, I can even make myself jealous on that platform with my own past posts. Sometimes, I even think my life is amazing.
Just take some pictures at the market and brag on IG that at least YOU support local businesses.
Don’t have a Farmer’s Market? Snap a pic at your local grocery store/gas station. It’s all about angles, bitch.
This might be a good time to start my planned post. It was totally planned! It’s not because I take a lot of food pictures but don’t actually write down recipes! *laughs nervously*
I’ve been thinking a lot about food blogger pictures, and how they basically all look the same. Brightly lit, sharp focus, appetizing colors, etc. But you know, Serafina and I are ACTUAL artists and believe art should be organic, like what your food should be (eyes judgingly). We let our food speak to us.
Sometimes, at least for me, my food is being an asshole and won’t talk.
I recently discovered Foodie, an app that makes my (totally not shitty looking food) talk.
Maybe if I spent time staging the food, bringing out my lighting kit, and using my real camera to take pictures, I would have better results. But since that’s never going to happen, I modify my pictures with filters.
OMG I HAVE GMO PICTURES.
Have any of you ever read Omnivore’s Dilemma? If not, you can still read this spoiler because it’s not like it will make a difference. Basically, Michael Pollan spends all this time and energy making a dinner for which he can take full moral responsibility. Grew the veggies, gathered yeast, harvested wheat, the whole goddamn thing. Well, I’m here to say, BITCH, I DO THAT SHIT EVERY MOTHERFUCKING DAY!
Sorry, I got a little heated there. Pollan and I have a long-standing frenemy relationship, much like mine and Mary Ellen’s, the only difference is that he doesn’t totally know about it. Frenemy relationships sometimes go better when the other person doesn’t know about it because it really decreases the risk of a clap back. Anyhoo, I’ve been working my ass off to grow food and humanely raise chickens, so I can feel morally superior, and it’s about time for me to rub it in everyone’s faces.
Now before anyone gets on my back about the ingredients I used that I didn’t grow (olive oil, salt, and pepper), I have a preemptive retort: I’ve already googled how to grow peppercorns and olive trees. I’m working on it. Sort of. I’m not working on it in the sense that it will happen ever, but I’m working on it in the sense that I thought about it for a minute, which was good enough for me.
If you want to eat a meal for which you can take full moral responsibility, you’ll need to start growing some veggies, and if you’re not a vegan/want eggs, you’ll need to get some chickens. I also thought about getting a cow or a goat to make butter for this meal, but there are city ordinances against cows and goats, and my boyfriend nixed my idea of indoor goats when I brought up that workaround. Aside from a cow or goat for butter, the only other recommendation I have for this meal is to get a wheat field and make some bread. This would only be worthwhile if you have butter. Otherwise, this is a lovely scramble with ethically produced eggs, zucchini that only suffered minor verbal abuse, and very well cared for tomatoes.
2 eggs, beaten
About ½ a zucchini, halved and sliced relatively thin
A handful of cherry tomatoes, lovingly halved
Fresh basil or other herbs (optional)
Cook zucchini in a pan with a little olive oil for about 4-5 minutes until it is close to being done. Add cherry tomatoes and cook for another minute. Add eggs and stir frequently until the eggs are cooked. Garnish with beautiful basil which is still somehow alive in September. Maybe you grew it in part shade or something.
Eat on your patio while your chickens roam. It’s ok to eat eggs in front of the chickens because they also eat their eggs, so they were the ones to make it weird first.
Zucchini is more flavorful after verbal abuse
Friends, I’ve read enough of your fan letters to know that Mary Ellen and I are not the only ones who struggle to get a healthful meal on the table every night after a hard day of work. Quick meals are lifesavers whether you’re Mary Ellen, chasing around her toddler while ensuring her make up is on point, or me, laying around the house in my fanciest business pajama suit pretending to finish my last semester of graduate school. At the end of a long, trying day, cooking a meal that is quick and easy becomes as important as cooking one that is healthful and nourishing.
In light of this, I’m bringing you my super-fast garden meal. You’ll need approximately 3-5 months to prepare this meal, depending on your local climate. Gardening is hard work, and between the costs of your own labor, soil, water, plants, and seeds, you’ll probably spend more on your garden veggies than you ever would on the actual produce from a grocery store. But, as they say, you have to spend money to make money.
Since garden based meals will depend on what you plant and what is ready to harvest on a given day, I’m going to provide some general guidelines instead of a strict recipe.
- Plant zucchini. You’ll need to do this in late spring/early summer, so plan ahead! No one really likes eating zucchini, but as I have previously mentioned, you’ll certainly harvest a lot of it. Corn, green beans, tomatoes, and lettuce will round out your meal, and will also take several months of intermittent effort before you’ll be able to acquire food from the plant.
- If you want to eat something other than the vegetables you harvested, you’ll need to go to a grocery store. I know, you’re thinking, why did I bother planting all that zucchini 4 months ago? Shhh, don’t worry, you planted it for lots of reasons. And you should be asking why you didn’t plan ahead better and plant something that grows veggie burgers. There’s always next year.
- Find a partner, friend, or neighbor with a grill. Grills are scary, and you don’t want to try to deal with one on your own. They’re also hot AF, but not in the good way.
- Chop up vegetables and wrap them in foil. Then have your boyfriend (or whoever you found to use the grill) put your veggies on the grill. They also make giant grill skillets but foil prevents your vegetables from being contaminated with meat if you have a boyfriend who refuses to cook himself a veggie burger.
- Put food on plate and then consume.
Quick, easy dinner in only 4 months.
This is my “Fuck, I need to make a dessert and shave my legs and I don’t really have time for either” cookie recipe. It works well when your significant other comes home and reminds you that you have plans to go to a dinner party/game night and he told everyone we were bringing dessert.
I made these cookies in about 20 minutes and also shaved my legs in the kitchen sink while they were baking. It was an impressive display of my domestic and feminine abilities. Then I went on to win at Secret Hitler because, not to brag, but I’m pretty great at being Hitler. I know how that sounds, but sometimes you have to put aside your values because winning a board game is more important.
These are my go-to vegan cookie, but for time’s sake I used real butter which doesn’t fuck up the consistency of the cookie when you melt it.
This recipe was adapted from one of my first vegan cookbooks, How it All Vegan. I bought the book thinking the authors were lesbians and was very disappointed when they talked about male significant others.
3/4 cup sugar
1/2 cup softened butter (if you want these cookies to actually be vegan, you obviously need vegan butter)
1/4 cup oil
1/4 cup unsweetened apple sauce
3 tbsp water
2 tsp vanilla extract
2 1/4 cups flour
1 tsp baking soda
1/2 tsp salt (less if butter is salted)
1 cup chocolate chips
- Preheat oven to 375°
- In a small bowl, combine sweetener, margarine, oil, water and vanilla.
- In a large bowl, mix together flour, baking soda and salt
- Add butter mixture and chocolate chips to the flour mixture and mix well.
- Scoop balls of dough onto a cookie sheet and bake for 8-10 minutes or until the edges are browned
Makes 12-15 cookies
Eat enough cookies that you no longer want to murder your significant other for failing to give you adequate warning to prepare a dessert.
Just to be super clear, it’s only okay to be Hitler when you’re playing board games. We may flirt with being terrible people around here sometimes, but there are some lines we won’t cross, like actually being Hitler. If I think of any other lines we won’t cross, I’ll be sure to let you know.
I had originally planned on posting this on Friday, but, you know, I passed out drunk before I could find my computer. Then I had to write a new intro for this. Just know that I work hard to create amazing content for this blog, it just hasn’t been uncovered yet.
Today’s post is inspired by my favorite generation, the Millennials. We actually are the greatest generation. I mean, come on, even our name is super cool. We fly around in our jet packs, vacation in nearby star systems, and —
Wait, wait. Sorry, I’m still a little drunk. Okay, now it’s coming back to me. Ah yes, we make toast and charge $15 for it. See?! GREATEST GENERATION, SUCKERS.
Toast is my wheel house. I have tons of toast recipes. But you know what alludes me? Avocado toast. Avocados are a conspiracy. Not even government conspiracy. I’m taking Illuminati shit. Let me ask you: how many of you have actually bought avocados and were able to use all of them at the right moment when they were ripe and not brown? Hmmm??? I can count three whole times for myself.
Buying avocados is stressful. They are expensive, soon-to-be-garbage. That’s why they charge so much at restaurants, because the stakes are so high.
Anyway, let’s make some guacamole toast because it’s lazier anyway.
- Bread (I used religiously sprouted ones because I’m legit holier than thou)
- Guacamole (get the individual packs to increase success and happy times)
- Hemp hearts (because you need to dress it up for Instagram)
Toast the bread however you like, I won’t judge if you don’t tell me. Spread guac on bread. Sprinkle the hemp hearts on. Read comments on the internet and get into fights with Boomers.
Still should probably add butter to this recipe somehow,
Friends, I’m going to put aside my skin care feud with Mary Ellen for the moment (we all know who won that one, right?) and talk to you about a recipe from my childhood. You can tell this is a very modern recipe, because it comes from a Jane Brody cookbook with the subtitle “Living the High Carbohydrate Way.” That’s right, before all of this keto and paleo bullshit, there were plenty of people encouraging us to eat more carbs, and they were saints.
This is my version of Jane Brody’s Company Rice and Beans with fewer frills (I think she wants you to have like 4 fresh vegetables on hand, which seems ridiculous. I just used canned goods, dried spices, and a zucchini from the garden). Jane Brody also recommends cooking your rice at the same time as the rest of the food (I audibly gasped with disbelief at the thought of multitasking), so I’m going to go another step further and tell you to use a rice cooker. I bought a rice cooker about a year ago and this is second time I’ve used it, so that was a super meaningful purchase that made a measurable difference in my life.
Get ready for some high carbohydrate living!
1 cup rice (yield will be two cooked cups)
1 zucchini, halved and sliced
1 can of diced tomatoes
1 can of beans (I recommend garbanzo or kidney, but any bean will do)
About 1/2 tsp oregano
Some garlic powder
Salt and pepper to taste
Optional: cheese (Jane recommends cheddar)
Cook the rice. 1:2 ratio of rice to water. Unless you have a rice cooker and then read the instructions or something. I used brown rice because I wanted extra credit.
Saute the diced tomatoes, zucchini, and spices in olive oil for about 5-10 minutes. Add the beans when the zucchini is starting to soften and bring to a low simmer until the rice is done.
Serve the tomato/zucchini/bean mixture on top of rice. Top with shredded cheese if your GI tract is up for such indulgences.
BTW, my zucchini plant produces a new fully developed zucchini about every 45 minutes, so prepare yourself to watch me put zucchini in everything I cook until October.
Carbs are life,
Today’s post is a clap back (is that what kids really do these days? Do they really clap in people’s faces? Seems rude but I’ll try anything once) to Serafina’s latest post full of shade. It took me MONTHS to whittle this down to less than 25,000 words so you’re welcome I guess.
But first, let me tell you why there is so much contention between my frenemy and me when it comes to skin care.
It all started with a “camping” trip.
You see, Serafina and I decided to go on a clothing optional camping trip, and she invited some men I didn’t know. Naturally, I thought this was going to be a giant orgy, and, excitedly, packed accordingly. This meant that I didn’t bring a bra and I also wore Brittney Spears-style glitter eye shadow the whole time. Serafina was appalled at the fact it took me so long to “ready myself for nature” but really, you never know what kind of sexy adventures happen in the woods so I would NEVER be caught dead without a modest application of foundation and rosy cheeks.
To my shock and disappointment, no one wanted to have an orgy, but rather “grill out” and “tell campfire stories” and “fight off raccoons.” So there I was, holding back tears so as not to smudge my ice blue eyeshadow.
It would be 20 years until we would speak again, and while my Brittney makeup is long dried up, I still have really overly complicated skin care and I definitely fucking wear makeup while camping and Serafina judges loudly. NOT EVERYONE CAN HAVE NATURALLY GLASS SKIN, OK?!
This is just my face routine, that doesn’t include makeup. My face routine is mostly in the style of K-Beauty, while my body is all French, baby.
I remove my eye makeup first, and then use an oil cleanser to remove the rest of my makeup, or if I didn’t wear makeup, my SPF lotion. I use the most gentle cleanser I can find after that. Cetaphil is my jam on a regular basis (please sponsor me ilu).
Toner is life. So much so, I do seven layers. I’m not kidding. Do you hear that, Serafina? I actually fucking stand in the bathroom and do SEVEN FUCKING LAYERS OF TONER. I’m sure she’s screaming at her computer screen right now. Your pain feeds me.
This is the step to which Serafina was referring in my IG posts. And just FYI, yes, the dog gets one too.
Do you think you’ve already done enough to give moisture to your skin? No, you haven’t. It doesn’t matter if your skin is already soft and smooth. Add more. And if there’s daylight, make sure it has SPF.
See it’s not so bad. All this would easily fit inside a small/medium suitcase, making travel spontaneous and whimsical.
And just to prove how well this routine works, here’s a before and after picture:
CLAP CLAP CLAP