I’m gonna get real with you guys for just a sec here. My life’s been a little chaotic balancing school, work, relationships, and chicken motherhood. Fortunately, I’ve been very thoughtful about how to best cope… More
Well, I’m back, folks. First and foremost, I would like to address some of the rumors that may have been circulating about me and being kidnapped.
It’s true, I was kidnapped while on vacation. However, there was no ransom pitched, unfortunately, to my husband. I wish I could say that my time with my kidnappers was traumatic, but I quickly moved up the ranks to second in command of what turned out to be a Drake cult. Like, Drake wasn’t a member. Just people that worshipped him like a God, the way God Intended.
We were riding high, baby. If you could just imagine a Gatsby style life, it was like that. Women, cars, money, and wine flowed like wine.
It all came to a crashing halt last week when the feds investigated our poorly executed money laundering scheme that we tried to make using an actual laundromat.
Maybe you’re wondering why I’m not in prison. Maybe not. Maybe you’re thinking, “I came here for a bread recipe, why am I reading about this criminal?” Well, you’re just going to be in for loads of disappointment today. I sung like a canary. I gave the man all he wanted to know, and a lot he didn’t want to know. To reward my rat like persona, I just have to wear an ankle bracelet and stay under house arrest for the next 10 years. I offered to give random urine samples but the DA rejected my offer.
So now, down to bread. I promised if I ever got out of the cult, I would try and perfect bread making. So I tried out the classic sandwich bread recipe from King Arthur’s flour website. Just go there for the recipe and instructions because I’m lazy and phone it in explaining things to others, and bread isn’t forgiving in that way. But I took pictures for you.
Basically, I did the recipe exactly the way it called for, except I substituted half the all purpose flour with King Arthur’s whole wheat flour. To, you know, make it “healthier.”
My very first ball of glutinous bread dough 💖💖💖
I didn’t knead this bread by hand, which I regret. I used a dough hook on my electric mixer and while it was kneading I cleaned up. I hated the proficiency of my high class technology.
Arrr! Somber dog lies waiting for her bread feast.
All in all, the bread was delicious, but didn’t turn out quiet the size and shape I wanted. I attribute this to over poofing, and the wheat flour, and maybe the amount of yeast I used. Also, I don’t know how to shape dough, which is apparently a skill, but I’ll YouTube that shit later. Doesn’t matter. I will scarf this down happily and try again. The crust and inside texture was perfect. I’m going for a bread machine recipe next though so I can be lazier. Some of my criminal sources brought me Serafina’s FBI file so I know that it’s her birthday today! She doesn’t look a day over 57, she looks amazing, I tell ya. I’m celebrating your honor by continuing to obsessively make the Fried rice recipe until I die. I eat mine with hummus to make it more self righteous.
“Pussy run everything.” – Drake
Friends, I wanted to talk to you about fried rice today. I have a wonderful story about how I learned to cook fried rice from an Asian lady I met while camping in the Pacific Northwest (we were searching for Bigfoot). But, I just can’t go into that right now. I’m too distracted by my very meaningful research.
You see, I recently started learning about carrots, and it ended up being a bit of a rabbit hole. Did just miss an opportunity for a pun? Shit. Sorry, I’m off my game. I’ve just been so distracted by carrot history that I failed one of my classes and I forgot to feed my boyfriend for a whole week (some how he survived off of Doritos and a bag of beef jerky he found).
Did you know that there is a virtual carrot museum? I was actually really disappointed to learn it wasn’t a brick and mortar museum because I would have traveled to see it. It talks all about the history of carrots. My new goal in life is to get everyone to change the standard color of carrots again, just to honor me.
Anyway, this fried rice has tons of carrots in it, and it’s also the perfect food. It’s what I make when I go camping and also any other time I’m hungry and there is rice around.
About 2 cups of cooked rice
About 1 cup of veggies (carrots and peas are a good place to start)
Toasted sesame oil
Coconut aminos (or tamari)
Salt and pepper
Instructions for making fried rice while camping (you can adjust these to use in your kitchen if you’re cooking indoors because it’s like fall or something)
Start by heating some oil and garlic powder in a cast iron skillet. Add your veggies and sauté until they are mostly done, then push all the veggies to the side of the pan. Crack all three eggs into the pan and scramble them with a spatula. If you are making this at home, you can try to cook your eggs without burning the shit out of them. If you are using a camp stove, just go with the lowest possible setting, I found that my lowest setting was “extra high.” Once the eggs are mostly done, add the rice, sesame oil, and coconut aminos. Cook until everything is thoroughly heated. Adjust seasonings to taste. Add hot sauce.
If you are camping, serve on plastic plates with sporks, but don’t forget to arrange attractively.
Kumbaya, my future purple carrot farmers…
Friends, I am going to start with an apology. I know I said that I would be eating exclusively soups until Mary Ellen gets rescued from her “vacation,” but I heard about intuitive eating in passing, and I just couldn’t force my body to stick to a strict diet of noodles and butternut squash any longer.
Has anyone else heard about intuitive eating? I’m going to be honest, I heard the phrase one time. And, as with all potentially complex subjects, I’m going to brazenly assume that I know what it means. Yesterday, I got off of a long hard day of work and by body intuitively knew that I needed to wander around the grocery store until I found some vegan gummy bears, and then I needed to intuitively eat them in my car while swerving slightly and shaking my fist at other cars (I couldn’t scream at them because I had a mouth-full of gummy bears).
Today, I got off of another long day at work, and while my brain thought I should make some quinoa lentil chili, my body knew better. I reached for a jar of chocolate almond butter that I bought yesterday before I found the gummy bears, and then I ate half of the jar with a spoon while drinking a beer.
You guys know how passionate I am about health food, and this intuitive eating idea is no different. I’m just so grateful that there is finally a phrase for the healthful way I approach shoving completely reasonable amounts of sugar in my mouth.
I think I’m only going to make soup until Mary Ellen gets un-kidnapped. It’ll be like a hunger strike, but I’ll still get to eat soup, which sounds nice. I thought about starting a fundraiser for her ransom money, but I was too hungry from my hunger strike idea, so this will have to do.
I cleared out the rest of my garden this week and found several butternut squash as well as a few carrots I had missed earlier in the season. I started shooting photos while making this soup, but my camera died, and I couldn’t find the charger. You’re all in luck, though, because in addition to going to school to be Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman, I have also completed extensive coursework in courtroom illustration. So, I was able to quickly and accurately draw the important steps of this recipe. I imagine you won’t even notice the difference between my exceptional photography and illustrations.
This soup was loosely inspired by this recipe
Small shallot or leek
Garlic (about one clove or some garlic powder)
Fresh thyme (about 2 tsp)
Fresh sage (about 2 tsp)
About 3-4 cups vegetable broth
Salt and pepper to taste
Cut butternut squash in half and scoop out seeds. Brush with olive oil and then lightly salt and pepper it. Roast face down on a baking sheet at 400° until soft (about 45 minutes)
Once done, let cool for a few minutes until you can handle it. Scoop out all of the squash into a bowl.
Cut apple and carrots into bite sized pieces
In a large pot, saute garlic and leeks (or shallot) until soft and fragrent. Add carrot, apple, cooked squash, thyme, sage, and vegetable broth. Simmer until apples and carrots are soft )about 15 minutes or so. Add coconut milk. Blend with an immersion blender.
Garnish with salt and pepper, per illustration
Oh, hey guys! Sorry, was that a microaggression? I want to clarify that I wasn’t assuming anyone’s gender there. I honestly couldn’t care less how many penises or butt holes you have.
Anyway, I don’t know if y’all noticed, but it is fall (oh, I just now got why southerners say y’all, it’s to avoid the microaggression!) I’m so, so sorry this blog doesn’t have any pumpkin recipes yet. It’s not going to change today. What will change is the number of soup recipes we have to offer you. Thanks to my productive garden this year, and the fact that there isn’t an Olive garden within 25 miles of me, I decided to make my own minestrone.
I adapted this recipe from many, many minestrone recipes. I also only used what I had on hand since I really didn’t feel like going to a grocery store. I also think this is one of the few places that whole wheat noodles would work really well.
Onion powder (or about ½ an onion if you don’t hate onions)
Garlic powder (or a few cloves of garlic)
1 zucchini, chopped into bite sized pieces
Several cups of fresh tomatoes, diced (or a can of diced tomatoes)
About 6 cups of vegetable broth
A handful of fresh basil or 1-2 tsp dried
1-2 tsp dried herbs de provence spice blend
1 tsp oregano
1 can of chickpeas
About 8 oz pasta
Salt and pepper to taste
Optional veggies that often go in minestrone, but that I did not have on hand: carrots, spinach, potatoes)
Heat oil in a large pan, and sauté garlic powder and onion powder briefly until fragrant. Add carrots, zucchini, tomatoes, chickpeas, and other dried spices. Cook for a few minutes. Then add broth and bring to a simmer. Add pasta and continue to simmer. A few minutes before the pasta is done, add in your fresh basil and other greens if using.
Serve with obscene amounts of parmesan.
Friends, I have good news and bad news. I’ll just lead with the good stuff. I finally got in touch with Mary Ellen after her impromptu trip to the Caribbean. She doing so great. Just so great. Incidentally, she did get a little bit kidnapped. I don’t have the details, but her extraordinarily wealthy husband is refusing to pay the ransom because he found out she isn’t a natural blonde.
So much drama, am I right?
Anyway, I was craving some healthy Asian food after hearing about Mary Ellen’s plight (plus, when I tried to get in touch with her husband to see if he was DTF with her out of the picture, I realized he had blocked my number), so I decided to go with one of my stand-bys, Dragon Noodles. It has only 4 tbsp of butter, which is only half a stick, so this easily falls into the “healthy weeknight dinner” category. If only I had remembered to buy, cook, and then eat some vegetables…
4 tbsp butter
8 oz package of soba noodles
1/4 tsp garlic powder
Hot sauce (I used Cholula, though Sriracha is also good if you’re into that sort of thing)
Red pepper flakes
Cook soba noodles in water per package directions
Melt about 1 tbsp of butter in a pan, and then scramble your eggs
Once eggs are cooked, set aside
Melt the remaining butter with garlic powder
Once pasta has been drained, place it back in the pot and pour butter mixture over it. Add a good amount of coconut aminos and some hot sauce, mix to coat. Then add eggs and serve.
This is a messy dish. It would maybe serve more than one person if after serving yourself a bowl, you didn’t immediately move the rest of the food within reach of your chopsticks.
Spice up your life
When life gets stressful, it’s important to manage your health and nutrition. I recently started working from home more often. Not actually working from home, per se, but I’m home more often so I can focus on my rigorous studies, training to be the next Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman. When you don’t have coworkers around you and small, measurable workplace goals, it’s harder to keep yourself motivated and on task.
I’ve found that a well-timed, healthful snack is extremely important in my home productivity. It’s essential to ensure your snacks have whole grains and protein, which is why I swapped out half of the flour for whole wheat and kept the eggs in this recipe for cookie dough.
I like to have my first snack of the morning with coffee, after I’ve watched a few episodes of Dr. Quinn, taking detailed notes.
By mid-afternoon, I find that my energy levels are subsiding, so I make sure to have some healthful green tea (full of antioxidants and just a little jolt of caffeine), along with some sensible whole grains and protein
Now, by the time evening rolls around, I start to really drag. I’m going to be honest, every now and then I get an intense sugar craving, but sugar is so bad for you! So, I usually drink some sparkling water with a nice snack, chock full of fiber, protein, and healthy fats!
Happy, healthy snacking, everyone!
Sorry my post is late, but I am currently in the Caribbean and did not calculate the time change correctly. Plus, I don’t even know what day it is. Ever.
When I looked into the mirror last week, I was incredibly disappointed in the way I looked. Ugly is too kind a word. I can’t believe Annie hasn’t filed for divorce yet, though he’s been suspiciously googling lawyers lately.
I decided to take a trip to the Caribbean for some self care / #treatyoself time.
I left for the red eye immediately. I didn’t even buy a plane ticket or make plans beforehand, or actually even tell Annie. He will find out if he reads this post because I also forgot my phone and underwear so I bought both at the airport.
It wasn’t just the change of scenery that was rejuvenating. My body also needed a cleansing so I make sure to only consume high grade alcohols and I sweat out the toxins when I drunkedly ran the beach trying to find my tour guide. It was spiritual.
As for my skin? I felt that wearing a charcoal mask for the majority of the time was effective.
All in all, the trip has been a success. I’ll be heading home in about three months I think.
Next time I’ll share a healthy recipe to heal your toxic shit body too.
That guy isn’t Spock,
(Growing, Cutting, and Arranging Flowers for Everyday Enjoyment)
When I was born, my parents considered naming my Martha Stewart, but they we worried about the effect that my success would have on the original Martha Stewart. They eventually chose to stick with our family name, Berafina, and go with my biblical first name (we are devout theoretical Quakers).
It took many years for me to finally accept my natural superiority at the domestic arts. My staunch Vegan-Texas-Stripper brand of feminism often clashed with my natural proclivities, but I learned to integrate the two after a deeply spiritual experience in a vegan leather bondage shop.
I moved into my current homestead several years ago. My initial experiments with raised beds were met with limited success, mostly due combination of chickens and no fencing. This year we tilled a garden patch and built a fence to keep the chickens out. I focused mostly on vegetables, but I made sure to include a few flowers to brighten up the immaculately designed garden patch.
Almost any long-stemmed flower lends itself well to cutting. Some of the varieties in my garden include daffodils, irises, lavender, black-eyed Susan, Gerber daisies, zinnias, dahlias, sunflowers, and marigolds.
You can see here that I have the flowers cut long enough for their container. I also recommend arranging them in an aesthetically appealing manner.
Every rose has its thorn
But I tried anyway.
And I’ll do it again!
I think this dish is trendy around where I used to live, because it was advertised everywhere. I never looked into it until quite recently, when I decided my lazy stir frys were boring and stupid and I just couldn’t handle any more soy sauce rice at that moment. You can tell by how eloquently I speak about food that I’m incredibly cultured, and have tasted the finer things in life.
I was also inspired by the egg rice battle that I temporarily had with Serafina on the blog, and technically this counts because it has rice and eggs.
[Warning: I’m talking out of my ass] Traditionally, this dish can be made to order in a hot stone bowl, which helps cook the raw egg, possibly the raw meat, and it crisps up the rice. I don’t have these materials or skills, so this is the lazy white girl version. If you listen to kpop or watch kdramas while making it, it enhances the flavors and spices and helps compensate around 30% for the fact you’re not a Korean grandmother.
BibimBap (adapted clunkily from My Korean Kitchen)
- Vegetables (I used a combination of fresh and frozen, including a julienned carrot)
- 4oz ground beef
- Meat sauce (from the My Korean Kitchen blog)
- Gochujang sauce (from the other blog, seriously, you need to get the recipe there I’m lazy)
- Rice (I used brown rice)
- A fried egg per person
- Sesame seeds
- Sesame oil
- Vinegar (I used rice vinegar)
- Rice bran oil
- Sugar, both brown and regular
- Minced garlic (I just used some from a jar)
Make up the meat sauce and marinate the beef with it while you work. This took my three hours because I got distracted and had to change poopy diapers and do other things equally exciting. Also make up the BibimBap sauce.
Prep the vegetables, whatever that might entail. I didn’t do much. I sautéed some frozen stir fry with oil and salt, and julienned a carrot. I did not cook the carrot because I wanted a fresh crunch to the dish. I also sliced up the seaweed.
Cook the beef, assemble the bowls with the rice and lay out the vegetables in a pretty way. Top with a fried egg and sprinkle with toasted sesame seeds, and drizzle with the sauce. I did not use raw meat or egg because I’m a coward and I would probably kill myself with food poisoning.
Maybe it’s because I’m a badass, but I didn’t think the sauce was that spicy, and loved it so much. It was only enough for two people in my opinion. Same with the beef. And I used a ton of vegetables. This is why I’m fat.
I hope this inspires you to try and create your own BibimBap masterpiece.
Always read the comment section,