I had originally planned on posting this on Friday, but, you know, I passed out drunk before I could find my computer. Then I had to write a new intro for this. Just know that… More
As per usual, I bring you this blog post while procrastinating on a paper that’s due at midnight tonight (protip: it doesn’t count as procrastination if you never start the paper).
Something’s been bugging me lately, and it’s about Mary Ellen. I know, I know, I shouldn’t be coming here to talk shit. But I am, so you can all just deal with it. My problem is that she knows so much about being a girl. So much. She’s always posting things like weird creepy face masks, and I don’t understand it at all. What do the face masks do? Why does she look so scary? How did she trick her husband Annie into also wearing a face mask? Do they put face masks on her baby and dogs? This is just a list of the first few questions I have. Instead of seeking answers to any of my questions, I’m going to assume I’m an expert*** and walk you all through my own “minimalist” skin care regimen.
Step one: Shower every couple of days. More frequently if your armpits smell. But, we’re not focusing on armpit skin care, we’re focusing on face skin care which I think I implied above but didn’t really make it clear until now.
Step two: Once in the shower, ensure that you have some water on your skin. This will be important later
Step three: Wash everything with Dr. Bronner’s. I mean, everything. Face, armpits, hair, butt, feet. You know, everything. Shit, I said I was going to just stick with face skin care and then I went and told you all the other stuff. Oh, well. Now you know the rest of my skin care.
Step four: if you live in a very dry climate, put some lotion on your skin. I’ve never seen Silence of the Lambs, but I hear that movie comes out in favor of moisturizing.
That’s it! Feel free to ditch all your other skin care stuff, because I don’t know what it is for.
***Legal disclaimer: the above advice is not intended to treat, cure, or diagnose any ailments. Serafina Bearafina’s expertise in skin care is merely self proclaimed and she does not actually understand how any skin care products work. She’s not really sure if you should even use soap, TBH. The above advice neither guarantees nor implies that the condition of your skin will improve. Serafina isn’t sure what good skin is, but she probably doesn’t have it. Serafina recently had an infected ingrown hair, and after refusing to seek medical attention, she asked someone to explain exfoliation to her, only to promptly ignore all advice that was given to her.
Have I mentioned that I get a little ridiculously picky about some things? I probably haven’t. But last year I discovered my favorite lip balm had changed their formulation and it was suddenly disgusting and unusable. I found the lot numbers of the old lip balm recipe and I bought a year’s worth, stashing it in my fridge. Everything was wonderful until I only had about 2 left and I started panicking. I bought one of every lip balm and Whole Foods and they were all terrible. I was beside myself and fell into a deeper depression than the time my chicken was eating all of her eggs (that’s still happening, by the way, I just try not to care about it too much)
Anyway, I decided I needed to make my own lip balm and after extensive research, I have two recipes for you. One of the lip balm recipes sucks and the other is amazing and I love it.
I know what you’re thinking, why bother sharing the shitty lip balm recipe? I don’t really have a great answer for that. I mostly just want credit for all the work I did. And if anyone is wondering if this was an attempt to make Mary Ellen feel bad about herself for not doing things like making lasagna and DIYing lip balm, it is. I’m amazing. I definitely didn’t almost fail out of grad school to bring you this lip balm recipe. And that was definitely the kind of high caliber sentence a graduate student should be writing.
Recipe 1: Shitty Lip Balm
Makes about 8 tubes of lip balm
1 tbsp candelilla wax
2 tbsp coconut oil
1 tbsp shea butter
¼ tsp vitamin E oil
Optional: 3-5 drops essential oil (I used lavender)
Recipe 2: Amazing Lip Balm
Makes about 12 tubes of lip balm
2 tbsp candelilla wax
2 tbsp shea butter
2 tbsp coconut oil
10 drops vitamin E oil
Optional: 3-5 drops essential oil (I used lavender)
The instructions are the same for both recipes
Melt candelilla wax, shea butter, and coconut oil in a double broiler (I just put a jar in a pot of simmering water)
Once melted, add vitamin E and essential oils and stir
Pour mixture into empty lip balm tubes or whatever canister you want to use. I used a pipette to transfer the mixture into the tubes. Let set for at least a few hours until room temperature, they will be fully hardened after sitting overnight. They turn off-white once hardened.
May your lips be moisturized but not sticky and gross
Today I want to emotionally open up to all of our millions of readers. Sometimes it’s hard to bear your soul to those closest to you, which is why I only share my private thoughts on Twitter, as well as subtweet all of my dirty laundry with every relationship in my life, real and fictional.
Lately I’ve been having an existential crisis. It’s basically consumed me, to the point I hardly even drink anymore (don’t worry, I’m drinking now, like I do when I write all my posts). At least half of it is Serafina’s fault, because she puts together extremely elaborate lasagnas AND EVEN BOILS THE NOODLES??!! and she even has a boyfriend. She has basically kept this blog alive single-handedly and pays both of our bills, as well as this guy we met online three years ago named Ayden. Also, I know for a fact she has six pack abs and reads to blind parrots in her spare time. Her personal Instagram has been featured in 70 different lifestyle magazines, 37 made the cover. Like, how does one even fucking keep up with that shit? What do I have to show for myself? I still listen to CDs on a Sony Walkman.
Have I already peaked? Have all my culinary masterpieces already been made? Is this all there is? I don’t even get a gold watch?
Oh wait. *record screeches to a halt*
Now… before I share this recipe with you, I just want you all to know how much you mean to me. I mean, I’m sharing LITERAL SECRET RECIPES. I was planning on only passing these down to my daughter, but then I had a son, because it’s what my husband wanted. We stay in our gender lanes in this family.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to get all political and shit. That’s not what this is about. This is about:
What to eat for lunch when you forgot to eat lunch but now you’re hangry and you have like 3 minutes to make something you can eat while following your child around and throw play doh balls all over the place.
I call it: Buttercup burritos.
You take a whole wheat tortilla, because remember, we want to nourish our bodies in addition to our minds, and you lightly warm it. Spread your nut butter of choice on it. Mine is almond. Sprinkle with a modest amount of chocolate chips. I used an allergy friendly one, not because I have allergies, but because I’m better than most people.
Roll your burrito.
Roll your play doh.
Eat and try not to choke on it while running around.
If I were to make this again, I would add melted butter and omit the almond butter and the chocolate chips.
“Buttercups are actually quite filling.” – The Foundations
As you all know, my boyfriend and I don’t eat any of the same foods. It’d be a source of contention, but usually I just ignore his desires because he has the palate of a young child. During my recent break from school, I had an extremely ambitious day in which I decided to make lasagna. This was a few days after I tried to make pad thai and failed miserably because I didn’t use a recipe. I also burned a batch of granola in the same week. Things are going just great in my kitchen.
Anyway, before reverting to ordering take out for a week straight, I made this lasagna and it was lovely. I was originally planning on making the whole thing with various hidden vegetables, but then my boyfriend came home early and asked me what the fuck I was putting in his food. So I had to go back to the store to get more ingredients to make half of the lasagna with only spinach and cheese. God, he’s spoiled.
A few notes about the recipe: I do my tomato sauce on the side when I make lasagna because I can’t seem to wrap my head around how much sauce to use if I put it in the lasagna with everything else. And you’ll see that my pictures have shredded carrots in them. Don’t put carrots in your lasagna, it’s a stupid idea and you’ll be disappointed. It may even be one of the factors that leads to you getting pressured into admitting that your boyfriend’s half of the lasagna turned out better than yours (I also put too much nutmeg in my half, which is why you should measure your spices).
16 oz lasagna noodles
15 oz container cottage cheese (or ricotta)
2 cups shredded mozzarella
½ cup shredded parmesan
2 cups spinach
1-2 cups other veggies, shredded if you don’t want your boyfriend to know what vegetables you ended up using. I recommend zucchini, mushrooms, and broccoli
About ½-1 tsp herbs de Provence
¼ tsp ground nutmeg
Salt and pepper to taste
For the tomato sauce:
1 can pureed tomato sauce
Olive oil, some herbs de Provence, garlic powder, oregano, salt and pepper
Preheat oven to 425°
Boil noodles per package. Keep them al dente otherwise they’ll be too soggy.
Mix the cottage cheese with an egg, all the spices, and all of the veggies.
Put down a layer of noodles, then spread a layer of cottage cheese/veggie mixture, then sprinkle a thin layer of mozzarella. Repeat until all ingredients are gone, and then top with noodles. You’ll want to reserve a little shredded mozzarella for the top.
Bake for about 45 minutes until the insides are looking bubbly and done. Cover with foil about 30 minutes in once the cheese on top is looking perfectly browned and delicious.
While the lasagna is baking, make the tomato sauce. Saute the spices in olive oil briefly and then add in the pureed tomatoes. Keep at a low simmer until the lasagna is ready.
Hello, Eggpiers. I apologize for my absence last week. I honestly have no excuses. No Drake cult, nothing. I was just clueless as to what to post about. I’m still a little clueless. I have a lot of things I’m doing and things coming up, but most of them involve my budding hip hop/EDM/jazz career, so I just feel like it doesn’t really fit here.
I’ve maybe added too many things to my plate. Not as many as Serafina, since she lives on a farm or whatever. Also, even though this blog is TOTALLY SERIOUS AND HONEST ABOUT EVERYTHING AND NOT A SATIRICAL THING EVER ABOUT IT, I’ve become bothered at the lack of organization with recipe pages (as in absolutely none), so that might change.
But for today, I wanted to try something new. Something fun. And something that can help me out for when I feel lazy.
I’m going to share a couple of the recipes I’m currently trying and give you a run down with how they went for me. I didn’t take any pictures this time, though. Sorry. I came up with this idea this morning. You’ll forgive me, right? I’ll be making these things again soon so maybe I’ll update with pictures, but probably not. (Also I’m not good at MS Paint)
Heavenly Carrot Cake Baked Oatmeal (Oh She Glows)
Both recipes are going to be vegan breakfasts. I’ve been eating a lot of vegan foods lately, though I’m most definitely not a vegan. I’ve just been cutting down on meat, and having to greatly limit to the point of almost eliminate dairy from my diet. It makes my skin… lets just say it’s gross.
My husband loves this recipe. I also love it because it’s not too sweet, although in the mornings I still would rather not have oatmeal. Oh well. This has carrots in it, so you can get veggies in for the sweet lovers.
Vegan Breakfast Burrito Recipe (Build Your Bite)
This recipe is amazing. Like, I’m fucking serious. I want to eat this forever. But too many potatoes aren’t good for you, I heard, since they make you fat? I think those are lies. It does not taste vegan. I’m pretty sure all the seasonings and oil and potatoes make that a reality. I think I over scrambled the tofu, which was fine, because then the tofu mixture for me was like a creamy sauce.
What else have I been doing with my time? Cooking for my dogs. Because I needed more to do. They make up for the lack of meat I’ve been eating and also I still get to boil whole chickens all the time. Serafina, just let me know if that chicken is too much trouble.
Chickens are a marked species at my house.
Well, you guys asked for it, and we’re finally able to deliver. These are all questions you have sent in for Serafina, world-renowned gardening expert.
Q: What soil amendments do you use?
A: Well, normally I only use compost, but this year I used a little fertilizer as well. I know, I know, you’re thinking ‘what about the soil microbiome???’ Yeah, I read The Soil and Health too (no I didn’t, it was way too boring) In my defense, I only used a little bit of fertilizer and I used compost as well. Most importantly, I found a cruelty free fertilizer.
Follow up question: Can’t you just make your own fertilizer by growing soybeans?
Follow up answer: Oh, shit, I didn’t realize you guys got the internet out in Iowa. Um… Yeah, you could probably do something like that. You should just ride your tractor down the road a bit and ask your neighbor though.
Q: That was kind mean. I almost don’t want to look you up on FarmersOnly anymore.
A: That wasn’t really a question, but feel free to look me up on FarmersOnly. I’m ToplessMotherOfChickens.
Q: Ugh, fine! How are you handling the stress of chicken motherhood?
A: OMG, reader, OMG. Amelia, my golden chicken, eats all of her own eggs. Every damn one of them. I’ve tried everything. We talked about why she is acting out and whether the other girls are picking on her. My boyfriend made roll-away nesting boxes. I looked into putting up privacy curtains in front of the nesting boxes so she doesn’t feel so anxious. Nothing is helping. I don’t know what to do. I’ve started drinking heavily to cope with the lack of eggs. Everyone I talk to recommends that we slaughter my baby chicken and eat her, like you would any human child that stopped laying eggs. It’s just all too much for me right now.
Q: Wow, that got a little intense. Maybe we should get to something lighter? Um, what are you growing this year?
A: Great question. I’m a little behind in my planting what with all of the woman problems Mary Ellen told you about last week. So far I have tomatoes, jalapeño, spinach, radishes, lettuce, arugula, carrots, and snap peas. Corn, squash, beans, cucumbers will be planted later this week. Also some flowers or whatever.
Q: Do you have any gardening bras that you can recommend?
A: No, my boob kept popping out of my bra the whole time I was planting today. It was exceedingly bothersome until I just took off my bra and top (but then I had to apply sunscreen).
Q: Who submitted all of these questions? Some of them seem suspiciously intimate…
A: How dare you imply that I wrote my own questions and answers, don’t make me come over to whatever area of the internet you’re from and make an in-person frowny face at you!
Well, internet friends, there you have it. All you wanted to know about Serafina’s gardening (and more!)
Hello, dear Eggpiers (that’s our fandom name now, just FYI). Serafina is busy binge watching Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman so I pulled myself away from my own binging to post in her stead this week. It was really hard. I was actually still watching stuff, and I finally decided I better do it now. If there’s a lot of typos and nonsense sentences, it’s because the show I’m watching is more important than writing this (I’m just watching Kpop videos right now and trying to dance). I do not read what I’ve written that’s not what real artists do.
Now that warm weather is here, I really hate turning on the oven, the stove, or my husband because I will burst into literal flames from getting overheated. Breakfast smoothies are always a nice way to start your day. But what if you haven’t gone to the store in a while? What if you have no greens or fruit or whatever the hell people put in those things to make them healthy and a complete “meal?” Well, I’ve got you covered.
You do need to have this stuff on hand, but they won’t go bad in thirty minutes in your humid as hell house. It tastes fine. Remember this is just to get out the door and on with your life.
Mary Ellen’s I Can’t Breakfast Smoothie
- 1 frozen banana
- 1 cup unsweetened almond milk
- 1 tsp maca powder
- 1 scoop meal replacement powder (see pic above)
- 1 TBSP almond butter
Blend all this shit together until smooth.
Alright guys I need to go focus on these dances or I’ll never be able to challenge one of these boy bands to a dance off. I read somewhere that dancing is 75% confidence, 20% cute outfits, and 5% abs.
Maybe I have the abs and confidence mixed up.
You guys, I’ve really turned over a new leaf with the coming of spring. I eat an entirely CLEAN diet now, and I must say, I really do feel like I’m better than all of you. Clean eating really does change your life. For instance, as I write this post, I’m basking in the natural sunlight of my bay window while munching on veggie straws and drinking elderflower and rose lemonade. An entirely plant based snack.
Today I’d like to talk about how to build more barriers from your neighbors’ prying eyes. Really, the title should be natural barriers, since I’m doing everything natural now.
I have giant windows on the front of my house and while it’s great for natural light, I also feel like I live in a fishbowl. Do you know how awkward it is to make eye contact with your neighbors when they walk by? I have to smile and wave even though I’m busy vacuuming the house naked. Sure, I’ve become accustomed to being watched in all my waking hours, and I don’t want to lose all that kinkiness, so that’s why I’m going about this in a complicated way instead of just shutting the blinds.
I decided to hang my herb garden in individual pots in front of my kitchen window, so the neighbors will have to work harder to see boob. I used different pots for each one and rope hangers so I can get that boho chic look. Remember, if you do it right, the hippie look will be 1000% more expensive than the bullshit country cottage kitchen.
I did an herb garden, but I guess you could do flowers. These get full sunlight for part of the day. These also came with attached dishes so I don’t get dirt water everywhere.
Get hangers for the pots. I used these, because I want to look like I am all natural and shit.
Get someone to hang them for you. I guess you could hang them yourselves, but I don’t know why?
Cheers to a room with a boob view,
Remember how I said I was worried my boyfriend was going gluten free? Well don’t worry, I decided to disregard his dietary restrictions and make these cinnamon rolls. And now he’s no longer interested in being GF. Don’t look at me like that, I’m a good person. It’s not like he has Celiac’s or anything (probably).
Anyway, my new goal in life is to stop eating vegetables and eat only sugar. My biggest hurdle so far is the horrific GI distress that ensues after eating all the pastries and then I turn back to my horrible, disgusting salad eating habit. I know, I know. I’m working on it. I’m kidding of course about the all-sugar diet. This weekend I ate a strict diet of Chipotle and frozen food from Costco. I’m the picture of health.
Anyway, to work on my #healthfoodgoals I used half whole wheat flour here. All whole wheat is too much, but you can get away with half without worrying that you accidentally had some fiber with your breakfast.
3/4 cup flour
¾ whole wheat flour
2 tsp sugar
1 tsp baking powder
½ tsp baking soda
¼ tsp salt
2/3 c unsweetened almond milk (or, like, regular milk)
1 tsp apple cider vinegar
6 tbsp melted butter, divided
½ cup brown sugar
2 tsp cinnamon
For the glaze
About 2 tbsp each: melted butter, brown sugar, and unsweetened almond milk
Preheat oven to 375°
Spray a muffin pan with oil
Combine the flour, white sugar, baking soda and powder, and salt in a large bowl.
In a smaller bowl, mix the almond milk, vinegar, and 4 tbsp butter.
Add the milk mixture to the flower mixture
Roll out with a lot of flour on the counter (seriously, use a shitload of flour or you’ll cry when your dough is stuck to the counter).
Mix the melted butter with the brown sugar and the cinnamon and then smear all over the dough.
Roll it up, then cut into 8 or 9 even pieces. Place each piece in a muffin slot. Honestly, this would probably work with just a regular cookie sheet, but give them a little room to expand.
Bake for about 15 minutes
Make glaze by melting together more butter, brown sugar, and almond milk. Glaze cinnamon rolls.
Try not to eat too many salads in between your cinnamon rolls
Winter is throwing its last tantrum before it will suddenly become spring and we will no longer talk about how much winter has been a bitch where I live. I can’t always just get drunk to drown my sorrows, so I made chili.
I’m just kidding, of course I got drunk too.
This week has been incredibly hectic because, after 20 years, I finally finished that k-drama I started. It was horrible. I lost so many hours to those beautiful men, wasted away my youth, and literally nothing in the show up until the end mattered. Nothing. It was just a bunch of random stuff and then they realized they should probably just end it and then they did. It was beautiful.
Sorry, I’m still drunk.
To say that I phoned it in with this week’s blog would be an understatement. I had been planning this recipe for about a month. I took one picture. Here it is:
Anyway, I adapted a Betty Crocker slow cooker chili recipe to be vegan. It retains all the flavor of the meat infused one, but is a lot healthier in the sense that I didn’t have to go out and buy extra cans of chili beans because I didn’t want to go shopping. I also just cooked it on the stove top, but I would recommend putting it in a slow cooker for 8 hours to really get the recipe correct.
Slow Cooker Vegan Chili to Replace your Housemate on a Cold Night (adapted from Betty Crocker)
- 1 onion (or use onion powder like I did because you don’t have an onion)
- 2-3 cloves of garlic, minced (again… powder works too)
- 1 28oz can diced tomatoes (or 2 smaller cans)
- 1 can black beans, drained and rinsed
- 1 can pinto or kidney beans, drained and rinsed (use whatever you have on hand because that’s what I did)
- 1/2 cup red lentils, rinsed
- 4 cups frozen and cubed butternut squash (I used a small baby bag from a giant mommy bag from Costco)
- 1 can tomato sauce
- 2 TBSP chili powder
- 1 1/2 tsp cumin
- 1/2 tsp salt
- 1/2 tsp pepper
If you’re using real onion and garlic, sauté those in a pan with a teaspoon of oil for a few minutes until translucent. Otherwise, add all the ingredients to the slow cooker, stir, and set to cook on low for 8 hours. Eat with crackers and Beano.
There was no love in this post so I guess the title was a lie. But now you can make lazy chili.
Everyone was related in the show,