Easy Buttered Noodles

Last night,  after a long day of running errands and doing the usual house cleaning, my husband, Anderson Anderson Hooper, and I cozied up in front of the fire with a bottle of wine. It was a perfect moment in peaceful quiet, and we just gazed at each other lustfully. He gently grabbed my hand and scooted a little closer to me. He smiled at me, as if he knew my thoughts. I released a nervous sigh.

“How many water bears do you think we unknowingly eat every day? And does that go against veganism?” I asked and twirled my wine glass pensively.

“Uh, yeah I don’t know,” Annie replied (I call him Annie).

“Do you think that they survive our digestive system? I mean, they can survive the vacuum of space. How many water bears, on average, are in human poop? Do they study this? Do we know any biologist that we can call and ask?” I quickly grab my phone and start googling, while Annie switches his focused cuddling on a nearby dog.
I still don’t know the answers to my questions, but I’ve decided to start a charity to save the water bears. They terrify me, with their scary jagged vacuum mouths and dark stares with no eyes. But I just feel bad that I eat them all the time, even if they ARE delicious.

 

Say hello to the species that will see us all off to extinction. Look at him. He’s like, “fucking cockroaches have nothing on me.”

 

This is a recipe for buttered noodles (heavily seasoned with water bears, but you can just add grilled or roasted chicken instead). I am basically on a cooking vacation this month, because I’m burned out on life, so this recipe is excellent for fellow lazy assholes like me. Seriously though, this is as easy as Top Ramen, so all you college kids can make this for your dates you’re trying to sleep with. Actually, this recipe doesn’t work great for that because you WILL get butter all over your face and both of you will be greasy as hell. I will actually be making real things soon, not just skirting by on my good looks and charm. I can’t let Serafina have all the glory.

 

I need to look into getting new plates and hipster cutlery.



Buttered Noodles

Ingredients:

Package of noodles (1 lb)

1 stick of butter

½ cup of shredded parmesan cheese

Pepper to taste

Sliced grilled or roasted chicken (optional)

 

I love having asparagus with pasta. It’s like that great one night stand that you slightly regret the second you pee.




Directions:

Cook the pasta according to package directions al dente. Drain the pasta, and then return to the pot. Add butter and cheese. If you want meat, add it now (make sure it’s already cooked). Stir, and season to taste. Eat the pound of noodles yourself and order a pizza for the other person. I usually serve this dish with green beans, but I’ve honestly only done it once, so it’s not like I’ve set up a precedent or anything.

 

My pet dingo, Nicole Kidman. Waiting for a noodle to drop.

 

Crowded House,

Mary Ellen xoxoxo

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3 thoughts on “Easy Buttered Noodles

  1. You made me listen to a podcast about tardigrades. I’m a little upset about it, because I feel like you manipulated me into learning about something. But I would have just been working on grad school stuff, which could loosely be defined as learning anyway, so I guess I can’t be that upset.

    I listened to this podcast, and it was far more enjoyable than the textbook I would have been pretending to read:
    http://www.stuffyoushouldknow.com/podcasts/tardigrades.htm

    XOXO
    Serafina

    Like

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