Morally superior granola

These are difficult times for people who constantly take the moral high ground and sometimes forget to point it out to people. For example, I recently got curbside compost (in addition to the backyard compost) and only put my trash out every other week. So, I’m a lot better than everyone else. The guys who pick up my trash know it, but I can’t tell if my neighbors have noticed. I should knock on their doors to tell them how environmentally friendly I am, but I’d hate to contribute to their carbon footprint when they open their doors and their air conditioning has to work extra. I just can’t take on that kind of responsibility for them.

It’s hard enough keeping your own household running. Did you know I caught my house keepers throwing my recycling away with the trash? And I found that monstrosity of a trash bag in the compost bin. Don’t worry, I wrote a very harsh review about the whole fiasco on Yelp. I’m waiting to hear back from the management to see how I can be compensated for the emotional toll this has taken on me.

Are you looking for ways to be more engaged in the community? You can start by providing spontaneous feedback to others about the choices they are making and recommendations about how to improve. Oh, you didn’t rescue your dog? You should abandon your dog right now so a better person can rescue him. Your dog doesn’t want to be with the kind of monster who got him from a breeder.

Another important aspect of being morally upstanding is making your own food, instead of buying food that may have indirectly caused human or animal suffering. Not only is this granola vegan, but it’s guaranteed cruelty-free (unless you accidentally burn yourself on the side of the oven).

Laying out your ingredients with a clean towel also helps you feel like you’re better than other people, if you need some help on that front

Adapted from Cookie & Kate


4 cups oats

1 cup nuts (I used slivered almond and pecans)

½ cup melted coconut oil or unsalted butter

1/3 cup maple syrup or honey

½ teaspoon salt

½ tsp vanilla extract

½-1 cup dried fruit (I recommend anything but raisins because raisins are the worst)


Preheat oven to 350° degrees.

If you want this to be morally superior granola, you’re going to need to melt the coconut oil in the oven while it’s preheating. If you just want to make regular granola, I guess you can use the microwave, but I fully expect you to judge yourself for your decisions.

Mix oats, salt, nuts, coconut oil, vanilla, and maple syrup in a large bowl.

Spread thinly on a baking sheet or a 9×13 pan.

Bake for about 20 minutes, until oats and nuts are nice and toasty

Once cooled, stir in dried fruit.

Store in a jar that your boyfriend has tried to recycle numerous times, but you keep foiling him. You can’t recycle it until you’ve fully reused it. Try to make eye contact and bring up the history of the jar every time you get a handful of granola.

Granola 3.JPG
Blueberries are the dried fruit of choice. After our jar argument, I explained to my boyfriend that raisins are bad and he should feel bad about himself for liking them.

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