How to be Better at Everything than Martha Fucking Stewart

(Growing, Cutting, and Arranging Flowers for Everyday Enjoyment)

When I was born, my parents considered naming my Martha Stewart, but they we worried about the effect that my success would have on the original Martha Stewart. They eventually chose to stick with our family name, Berafina, and go with my biblical first name (we are devout theoretical Quakers).

It took many years for me to finally accept my natural superiority at the domestic arts. My staunch Vegan-Texas-Stripper brand of feminism often clashed with my natural proclivities, but I learned to integrate the two after a deeply spiritual experience in a vegan leather bondage shop.

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The potted flowers here are impatiens, which I originally planted after misreading the name.

I moved into my current homestead several years ago. My initial experiments with raised beds were met with limited success, mostly due combination of chickens and no fencing. This year we tilled a garden patch and built a fence to keep the chickens out. I focused mostly on vegetables, but I made sure to include a few flowers to brighten up the immaculately designed garden patch.

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You can see how I expertly planted a 3 ft tall marigold bush in between my step stones. It’s advisable to only garden if you are very good at balancing on one foot while not crushing any squash vines.

Almost any long-stemmed flower lends itself well to cutting. Some of the varieties in my garden include daffodils, irises, lavender, black-eyed Susan, Gerber daisies, zinnias, dahlias, sunflowers, and marigolds.

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Marigolds actually smell pretty bad, so I can’t totally recommend them for decorative use unless you have a really bad sense of smell.

You can see here that I have the flowers cut long enough for their container. I also recommend arranging them in an aesthetically appealing manner.

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You don’t have to have an “ugly side” of your flower arrangement. Unless you cut some zinnias before you actually looked at the dahlias and said “fuck it, good enough”

 

Every rose has its thorn

Serafina

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3 thoughts on “How to be Better at Everything than Martha Fucking Stewart

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