If you’re anything like us, you’re always looking for ways to increase not only your professional productivity, but your personal productivity as well. Serafina has touched upon this topic fairly extensively, but this is really an ongoing, and continuously evolving topic.
I’m going to share my greatest secret that is basically foolproof on how to better manage your time and increase your productivity. There are no lists here, because it’s just one thing.
It’s called Skyrim.
Yes, I’ve mentioned off-handedly before on the miracle of this product, but I decided there needed to be a specific post about how to use it.
It’s quite simple, really.
Say you have a huge project due the next day, but you’ve been putting it off. Skyrim. Got people depending on you to pull through on something big? Skyrim. Do your children need attention? Skyrim, but don’t involve them.
I’ve only played this character for two days but look how far I’ve come. Level 34, bitches.
Now, if you excuse me, I need to return some fairly angry phone and text messages. Totally unrelated.
Don’t even fucking think about killing Paarthurnax,
You guys, I have some rough news. You see, Mary Ellen and I have been friends for a long time, and I watched her go through the horrors of not eating gluten for YEARS before she ate some bread and was like “oh fuck yeah, this shit’s the best!” Well, my dearest, darling-est boyfriend is now talking about going GF. It’s literally killing me. You read that right, it isn’t figuratively killing me, it’s very literal. Because gluten is life’s antivenom (I guess the venom part is just normal life. Too dark?)
Anyway, I try to be supportive every now and then, so I made a quiche without the delicious gluten-y crust. And then I put broccoli in it, which he doesn’t eat anyway. He wasn’t happy. But the good news here is that my chickens are laying eggs more frequently since it’s getting closer to spring, so I had an abundance of eggs. My chickens are such good girls. At least they still eat gluten with me.
1 large or two small heads of broccoli, chopped into small florets
About ½ cup cheese (or if you hate going to the store, 5-6 slices of cheese chopped into small pieces)
½ cup unsweetened almond milk or regular milk
Small amount onion powder
Salt and pepper
Preheat oven to 400
Heat oil and onion powder in cast iron skillet (or another oven safe skillet) and add broccoli. Cover and let steam/simmer for a few minutes until bright green and just a little soft
Beat eggs with milk, add a little pepper and salt, then stir in cheese
Pour egg mixture over broccoli and even out where your massive chunks of sliced cheese went if that is a problem
Cook for about 10-15 minutes, checking frequently. It’s done when the middle is just set
Let it sit for a few minutes before serving.
May you all find something with gluten to eat very soon
As the title of this blog clearly shows, today’s post has been thoughtfully planned out with as much care as I generally give to writing on this blog.
I have spent the better part of the week eating a healthy diet of fast food, balanced with nutritious donuts and cookies. My skin has a definitive glow, that isn’t powdered sugar glistening in the sun. I ate a bag of donuts for dinner.
Since I clearly have adulting down to a science, I decided to end my day reflecting on my life with a pot of tea. It’s been a long week, full of excitement and drama but mostly just poop. I just wanted to take pictures of my new tea set, but I guess I’ll come up with a bullshit list of life-changing bullet points so you know how to frame your own life. I’m feeling generous, and drunk with an oversized ego right now.
Q-Tips can’t be used in your ears.
I read an article about it, and it was incredibly bitchy and pushy about the whole thing. Why did I buy Q-Tips in bulk at Costco then? WTF do you need them for? The article said they’re good for makeup but if you’re using cotton swabs for makeup application then I need to talk to you because something has gone wrong. They’re wasteful, unless you need to dispose of earwax.
Look the gift horse in the mouth.
And you fucking take a long ass look at it’s mouth. I’ve been given a lot of dead horses and honestly I’m tired of writing thank you cards for long expired horses.
Drake’s real name is Aubrey.
And he’s the greatest musical genius of the last seven generations.
What’s Weird Al up to?
I’m just curious. How’s he doing?
Sometimes, we all need a moment to unwind and really meditate on the important things in life. It’s how we keep stress at bay, and our pores clear. It’s called “self care” or “treat yo’self” or whatever. It’s also important to coin a bunch of terms and phrases for things to justify doing things like drinking tea and showering. If you are showering regularly, that’s called self care, not basic hygiene. It means you’ve decided to put down all your stressors and self care yourself. Other things that you can do for self care, in case you need another list: drink water, eat food, sleep, get dressed, walk, talk to friends, and pet a dog, just to name a few. I hope you were able to get all the self care you needed through my tea pictures today, though. You can save that shower for tomorrow now. Answer those emails with ease, baby.
Remember it doesn’t count if you don’t post about it on social media. Bonus points for videos and selfies. Pics or it didn’t happen, bitches.
I’m going to try something different with you guys today. Instead of my usual fool-proof recipe that I provide you so that you can finally learn to cook and stop disappointing your family, I’m going to walk you through a cautionary tale about juice.
In a misguided “it’s still early in 2018 so I should try to eat healthy or something” attempt, I decided to make juice without a juicer. You see, juicers are probably expensive, and I don’t really like juice that much. So I never got around to buying one. I also never got married, so I only have kitchen appliances that I decided to purchase with legal currency or received as a hand-me-down. Anyway, no juicer. And I thought I didn’t care about juicing until I found several recipes for a beet-carrot-apple-ginger juice that’s made in a blender. Let’s start with the recipe and then we’ll get to the cautionary tale part…
Beet (peel it and cut it into some pieces so your blender doesn’t explode or something)
Apple (same instructions as above, but less important because apples aren’t as hard as beets)
1” chunk of peeled ginger
Throw it all in the blender with about ½ cup water or other juice (I used water, why would I be making juice if I already had juice?)
Dump into a sieve over a bowl and wait for it to drip out
Ok, now that the nitty gritty is out of the way, let’s talk about why you should never make juice with a blender, especially this juice.
First of all, the blender handled the task pretty well and didn’t explode, so that went fine. I was really busy trying not to stain my clothes as I dumped the “juice” pulp into a sieve/bowl so I didn’t get any pictures of that step. Luckily for you, as I have mentioned previously, I am a certified courtroom illustrator, so I can recreate the scene for you with ease and accuracy.
Now, as the juice is dripping into the bowl at mind-bogglingly slow pace, you might think that it smells really fresh and that you’re excited to drink it. Don’t get your hopes up. After the first round of straining, mine was still SUPER chunky, so I had to strain it a second time with a finer sieve. All told, I spent like 15 minutes mushing around pulp before I got about 200ml juice.
At this point, I figured this juice had to be fucking mind blowingly amazing or no one would have ever wasted their time with it in the first place. So, I took my first sip, and it was kinda ok. Then I took my second sip, and I thought it was kind of interesting, and warming with the ginger juice. And then when I took my third sip, I audibly gagged and had to try really hard not to vomit in the kitchen.
After that shock wore off, I thought it through and realized that I was just having an uncontrollable gag reflex and horribly unpleasant warm feeling in my stomach because of the ginger juice. No biggie. So I did what any good girlfriend would do, I brought the juice to my boyfriend and made him try it. He didn’t describe wanting to vomit, but he reported feeling repulsed before passing on a second sip.
So I was now faced with a dilemma, I had about half the awful juice left but I had put so much work into it I couldn’t bear to waste it. After deliberating for about 20 minutes, I decided that I had no choice. I gulped the rest of it down, which was a deeply regrettable decision.
You know, after all of that I’m actually having trouble deciding if this was a cautionary tale or a strong endorsement. Let’s do a Pro/Con list, those always help:
Your kitchen sink will make you feel like Dexter when you are cleaning up
You will feel very healthful prior to drinking this juice
Your blender probably won’t explode
You can give your chickens some beet greens, which they LOVE!
If the Dexter part really resonated, you can cover your hands in the leftover pulp and pretend that you murdered your boyfriend for a few seconds until it gets just a little bit too dark or he walks in on you and looks like he might call the cops
You will most likely vomit upon drinking the juice, or at the very least experience severe nausea
Your kitchen will be very messy and beet juice stains everything
You will most definitely get a beet juice stain on your favorite sweatshirt, no matter how careful you are
You might develop a taste aversion to all of the ingredients in the juice as a result of drinking it
If you end up keeping the juice down, all of the bodily excretions you have over the next several hours to days will “bleed” red because of the beet juice (wait, should this be on the pro list?)
You know what? We’re tied! 5 pros, 5 cons! I guess I’ll just leave it up to you to decide if you want to make this fancy blender juice!
There are two things that I love doing more than anything else. One is stalking random people that I don’t know on social media for hours on end, reading comments on all their posts, and printing out pictures of their pets. The other is trying to recreate food I see in cartoons if the cartoon characters get really excited about the food.
I was going to post a lentil recipe this week, but if you haven’t noticed, Serafina literally has taken all the lentils. There are no more lentils left. And now she thinks jackalopes are fruit, instead of the very real death guardian rabbits. I think her mind is going. Sad!
So, instead, I’m making rice balls. They made them in an anime I was watching called Maid Sama and even though the main character apparently made them incorrectly, and with tissue paper as an additive, I decided I was capable of trying it, albeit with the Kleenex granules.
I’ve done approximately no research into what these are, and I’ve never had them before, but I trust cartoons more than the Food Network so I’m an expert now. Also, I’ve been eating these non-stop for days. I love them and they are my baes now.
Roasted seaweed (I personally prefer Korean seasoned roasted seaweed)
Cook up the rice, and cut the seaweed into strips. Drain the tuna, and mix in a glop (distinct measurement) of mayo.
I wish I could give more more direction after all this, but… you know, I just made it up along the way. First I set out my rice ball amounts and then I salted each side.
While the rice was still hot, I molded it into balls and burned myself. Still working the hot rice, I also tried to make a triangle shape. Then I forgot these should be stuffed so I dug into the rice balls and shoved some tuna and mayo mixture in it. Pretend this is on purpose, and mold the ball back and put a strip of seaweed around the bottom.
And there you go. Rice balls. I’m going to make some more right now. I bet you’re sad I didn’t make chicken this week.