Letting the pros do it

Hello, Eggpiers.  I apologize for my absence last week.  I honestly have no excuses.  No Drake cult, nothing.  I was just clueless as to what to post about.  I’m still a little clueless.  I have a lot of things I’m doing and things coming up, but most of them involve my budding hip hop/EDM/jazz career, so I just feel like it doesn’t really fit here.

 

I’ve maybe added too many things to my plate.  Not as many as Serafina, since she lives on a farm or whatever.  Also, even though this blog is TOTALLY SERIOUS AND HONEST ABOUT EVERYTHING AND NOT A SATIRICAL THING EVER ABOUT IT, I’ve become bothered at the lack of organization with recipe pages (as in absolutely none), so that might change.

 

But for today, I wanted to try something new.  Something fun.  And something that can help me out for when I feel lazy.

 

I’m going to share a couple of the recipes I’m currently trying and give you a run down with how they went for me.  I didn’t take any pictures this time, though.  Sorry.  I came up with this idea this morning.  You’ll forgive me, right?  I’ll be making these things again soon so maybe I’ll update with pictures, but probably not. (Also I’m not good at MS Paint)

 

Heavenly Carrot Cake Baked Oatmeal (Oh She Glows)

Both recipes are going to be vegan breakfasts.  I’ve been eating a lot of vegan foods lately, though I’m most definitely not a vegan.  I’ve just been cutting down on meat, and having to greatly limit to the point of almost eliminate dairy from my diet.  It makes my skin… lets just say it’s gross.

 

My husband loves this recipe.  I also love it because it’s not too sweet, although in the mornings I still would rather not have oatmeal.  Oh well.  This has carrots in it, so you can get veggies in for the sweet lovers.

 

Vegan Breakfast Burrito Recipe (Build Your Bite)

This recipe is amazing.  Like, I’m fucking serious.  I want to eat this forever.  But too many potatoes aren’t good for you, I heard, since they make you fat?  I think those are lies.  It does not taste vegan.  I’m pretty sure all the seasonings and oil and potatoes make that a reality.  I think I over scrambled the tofu, which was fine, because then the tofu mixture for me was like a creamy sauce.

 

What else have I been doing with my time?  Cooking for my dogs.  Because I needed more to do.  They make up for the lack of meat I’ve been eating and also I still get to boil whole chickens all the time.  Serafina, just let me know if that chicken is too much trouble.

 

Chickens are a marked species at my house.

 

-Mary Ellen

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Q & A with Master Gardener: Serafina Berafina

Well, you guys asked for it, and we’re finally able to deliver. These are all questions you have sent in for Serafina, world-renowned gardening expert.

Q: What soil amendments do you use?

A: Well, normally I only use compost, but this year I used a little fertilizer as well. I know, I know, you’re thinking ‘what about the soil microbiome???’ Yeah, I read The Soil and Health too (no I didn’t, it was way too boring) In my defense, I only used a little bit of fertilizer and I used compost as well. Most importantly, I found a cruelty free fertilizer.

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Vegan fertilizer: for when your vegetables don’t taste self-righteous enough

Follow up question: Can’t you just make your own fertilizer by growing soybeans?

Follow up answer: Oh, shit, I didn’t realize you guys got the internet out in Iowa. Um… Yeah, you could probably do something like that. You should just ride your tractor down the road a bit and ask your neighbor though.

Q: That was kind mean. I almost don’t want to look you up on FarmersOnly anymore.

A: That wasn’t really a question, but feel free to look me up on FarmersOnly. I’m ToplessMotherOfChickens.

Q: Ugh, fine! How are you handling the stress of chicken motherhood?

A: OMG, reader, OMG. Amelia, my golden chicken, eats all of her own eggs. Every damn one of them. I’ve tried everything. We talked about why she is acting out and whether the other girls are picking on her. My boyfriend made roll-away nesting boxes. I looked into putting up privacy curtains in front of the nesting boxes so she doesn’t feel so anxious. Nothing is helping. I don’t know what to do. I’ve started drinking heavily to cope with the lack of eggs. Everyone I talk to recommends that we slaughter my baby chicken and eat her, like you would any human child that stopped laying eggs. It’s just all too much for me right now.

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Q: Wow, that got a little intense. Maybe we should get to something lighter? Um, what are you growing this year?

A: Great question. I’m a little behind in my planting what with all of the woman problems Mary Ellen told you about last week. So far I have tomatoes, jalapeño, spinach, radishes, lettuce, arugula, carrots, and snap peas. Corn, squash, beans, cucumbers will be planted later this week. Also some flowers or whatever.

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Q: Do you have any gardening bras that you can recommend?

A: No, my boob kept popping out of my bra the whole time I was planting today. It was exceedingly bothersome until I just took off my bra and top (but then I had to apply sunscreen).

Q: Who submitted all of these questions? Some of them seem suspiciously intimate…

A: How dare you imply that I wrote my own questions and answers, don’t make me come over to whatever area of the internet you’re from and make an in-person frowny face at you!

Well, internet friends, there you have it. All you wanted to know about Serafina’s gardening (and more!)

XOXO

Serafina

Smoothie Recipe For the Days You Just Can’t

Hello, dear Eggpiers (that’s our fandom name now, just FYI).  Serafina is busy binge watching Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman so I pulled myself away from my own binging to post in her stead this week.  It was really hard.  I was actually still watching stuff, and I finally decided I better do it now.  If there’s a lot of typos and nonsense sentences, it’s because the show I’m watching is more important than writing this (I’m just watching Kpop videos right now and trying to dance).   I do not read what I’ve written that’s not what real artists do.

 

Now that warm weather is here, I really hate turning on the oven, the stove, or my husband because I will burst into literal flames from getting overheated.  Breakfast smoothies are always a nice way to start your day.  But what if you haven’t gone to the store in a while?  What if you have no greens or fruit or whatever the hell people put in those things to make them healthy and a complete “meal?”  Well, I’ve got you covered.

 

You do need to have this stuff on hand, but they won’t go bad in thirty minutes in your humid as hell house.  It tastes fine.  Remember this is just to get out the door and on with your life.

 

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I used the chocolate meal powder, but I hate it, it tastes weird.  Just get vanilla and put cocoa powder in it instead and then it’ll actually taste like real fucking chocolate.

 

Mary Ellen’s I Can’t Breakfast Smoothie

Ingredients:

  • 1 frozen banana
  • 1 cup unsweetened almond milk
  • 1 tsp maca powder
  • 1 scoop meal replacement powder (see pic above)
  • 1 TBSP almond butter

 

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I was impressed with this blind banana shot so you have to look at it.  Look at my photography skillz!

 

Directions:

Blend all this shit together until smooth.

 

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It’s about time I used a different placemat I guess.  But this one is my favorite.

 

Alright guys I need to go focus on these dances or I’ll never be able to challenge one of these boy bands to a dance off. I read somewhere that dancing is 75% confidence, 20% cute outfits, and 5% abs.

 

Maybe I have the abs and confidence mixed up.

 

Mary Ellen