How to ACTUALLY Have Flawless Skin

Today’s post is a clap back (is that what kids really do these days?  Do they really clap in people’s faces?  Seems rude but I’ll try anything once) to Serafina’s latest post full of shade.  It took me MONTHS to whittle this down to less than 25,000 words so you’re welcome I guess.

 

But first, let me tell you why there is so much contention between my frenemy and me when it comes to skin care.

 

It all started with a “camping” trip.

 

You see, Serafina and I decided to go on a clothing optional camping trip, and she invited some men I didn’t know.  Naturally, I thought this was going to be a giant orgy, and, excitedly, packed accordingly.  This meant that I didn’t bring a bra and I also wore Brittney Spears-style glitter eye shadow the whole time.  Serafina was appalled at the fact it took me so long to “ready myself for nature” but really, you never know what kind of sexy adventures happen in the woods so I would NEVER be caught dead without a modest application of foundation and rosy cheeks.

 

To my shock and disappointment, no one wanted to have an orgy, but rather “grill out” and “tell campfire stories” and “fight off raccoons.”  So there I was, holding back tears so as not to smudge my ice blue eyeshadow.

 

It would be 20 years until we would speak again, and while my Brittney makeup is long dried up, I still have really overly complicated skin care and I definitely fucking wear makeup while camping and Serafina judges loudly.  NOT EVERYONE CAN HAVE NATURALLY GLASS SKIN, OK?!

 

This is just my face routine, that doesn’t include makeup.  My face routine is mostly in the style of K-Beauty, while my body is all French, baby.

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Shit I forgot the shea butter

 

1. Cleansing

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I have no idea what’s in Softymo, but it’s speedy.

I remove my eye makeup first, and then use an oil cleanser to remove the rest of my makeup, or if I didn’t wear makeup, my SPF lotion.  I use the most gentle cleanser I can find after that.  Cetaphil is my jam on a regular basis (please sponsor me ilu).

 

2. Toner

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The beardy old guy makes it official.

Toner is life.  So much so, I do seven layers.  I’m not kidding.  Do you hear that, Serafina? I actually fucking stand in the bathroom and do SEVEN FUCKING LAYERS OF TONER.  I’m sure she’s screaming at her computer screen right now.  Your pain feeds me.

 

3. Boosters

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TJ Maxx feeds my addiction 

This is the step to which Serafina was referring in my IG posts.  And just FYI, yes, the dog gets one too.

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Beauty standards are unreasonable to keep up with in my family, but even the dog has to do her part.

4. Moisturizers

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I no longer use MyChelle because it causes extreme breakouts on my skin but I didn’t know that until after I wrote all this.  I no longer recommend.

Do you think you’ve already done enough to give moisture to your skin?  No, you haven’t.   It doesn’t matter if your skin is already soft and smooth. Add more.  And if there’s daylight, make sure it has SPF.

 

See it’s not so bad.  All this would easily fit inside a small/medium suitcase, making travel spontaneous and whimsical.

 

And just to prove how well this routine works, here’s a before and after picture:

 

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Left: my first year postpartum where I didn’t care about my looks.  Right: dead and sullen eyes, but hot af and vain as hell.  

CLAP CLAP CLAP

 

-Mary Ellen

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