Disclaimer: This smoothie will turn out ugly, as pictured.
Oh hey there, eggplanters. I’m sure some of you were wondering if I’d return after Mary Ellen’s blasphemous post about the health benefits of cheesecake. Well, I’m still here and it will take more than a dairy-infused feud to stop me.
I’ve been thinking about our time here together, and I feel like I have a moral obligation to use my significant clout for the greater good. I think everyone can see where I’m going here. This is going to be an all-out rant about group texts. You see, awhile back I was added (against my will) to a group text involving my darling boyfriend’s entire family. For years, he has complained about my family, we see them all the time, and there are just a lot of us Bearfinas. And while my family may outnumber his 10:1, at least my people had the decency to keep him out of any group texts. Now, it’s well documented that I am an exceedingly tolerant person, however, today was the final straw. Somehow a text chain about current events led to a series of offensive chicken memes and I could no longer contain my rage. After a brief 20 text rant/dissertation about chicken rights, as well as a few dozen thoughtful PETA re-tweets, I regained control of my life and decided to lead by example instead of shouting via group text.
So here I am, Fully enlightened. Drinking a smoothie that was originally supposed to be green but turned out kinda brown because I added strawberries.
Vegan Green Smoothie, for health and enlightenment
Makes two smoothies, so you can share your enlightenment with your future self:
- 1 apple
- ½ orange
- Small handful of mixed frozen berries
- Large handful of spinach
- Some almond milk
- Put all the fruit at the bottom, followed by the spinach, followed by the almond milk
- If you are saving one of the smoothies for later, wait until you’re actually going to make the smoothie to add the almond milk
- Take a selfie while you’re drinking your smoothie, show off that radiant glow and deep understanding of the universe
For a long time I was hiding in anonymity, concerned about what my family, boyfriend’s family, and colleagues would think of my flawless recipes and exceptional prose. But no more! I’m here! I’m going to soar through the skies like a chicken. And feast on vegan greenish smoothies.