Hello, Eggplanters! I’m sure you missed me, Mary Ellen. Unless you’ve never noticed that there are multiple writers for this blog, in which case, fuck you, because one of us clearly pulls most of the weight (it’s not me).
So, I went on vacation, but then contracted scabies on the pirate ship I commissioned to get me to my honeymoon destination. It’s been a long month and I’m already always drunk so nothing can save me at this point.
In addition to being ill, I really haven’t left my house in a very long time. I considered opening a tab and having a standing order at Pizza Hut to get me through the dark times. This has lead to a shortage of food at my home. I have no food. Send food. Can you Venmo me some food? Is that what Venmo is? Someone help.
Anyway, I was hungry at an acceptable breakfast hour, and luckily I had some steel cut oats. Everything you see in the following pictures is all I have at my house, plus coffee, and two cans of not La Croix.
Let’s make some oatmeal!
You might have to google how to make oats or reference a book. Go to the library and ask a librarian over for breakfast and maybe he or she can make you a better breakfast. Anyway, I buy oats in the bulk section with my reusable hippie bags and I think for steel cut oats it’s a 1:4 ratio of oats and water. Don’t correct me if I’m wrong because I’m already stuck in my ways. Add salt to your bath water. Er, I mean, oat water.
When the oats are done, add the other ingredients to your taste. It’s fine, it’s a passable breakfast, and you are still better than all of us that succumbed to the bagel shop down the road. Good job. But you don’t have to be a smug asshole about it.
I promise to deliver more quality content such as this next week (Serafina is taking a long bath next week and is busy).
Friends, if you’re anything like me, you’ve realized that modern medicine is bullshit and turned to new-age alternative that are not only more expensive but lack any evidence of effectiveness. It’s amazing. But after thinking momentarily about trying a mushroom latte or turmeric milk, I remembered my attempt to make ginger beet juice and threw up in my mouth a little bit. But fear not, I still love the other, more mainstream old school hippie shit like sourdough and kombucha.
I was reading up on fermentation recently and I got to a chapter on health benefits of fermented food, which is awesome. I’m all about cultivating good gut flora. But then there was a section just casually mentioning that sauerkraut is safer and more effective than vaccines. And that is a terrifying thing to say for several reasons, but most importantly, because sauerkraut is fucking gross. I was going to go into a bit here about how antivaxxers are actually heroes who are fighting overpopulation with their own children, but I’d hate for someone who failed 7th grade biology to misunderstand my unsubtle sarcasm. So instead I’ll move on, and strongly advise, with the full weight of my graduate degree in the medical field, that sauerkraut is fucking gross.
I’ve already established that sourdough is incredible, and I’m sure you were able to make the perfect loaf already with my flawless method. Breadly Cooper (my sourdough starter) and I wish you all the best in your bread-making. Another non-gross way to get some delicious fermented food in your life is to get a scoby and start making some kombucha. As with the sourdough, I’ve been doing this for like 1-2 months, so I’m basically an expert. Some general guidelines:
Name your scoby and treat it like a pet. Introduce it to your sourdough starter so they feel like they are building a strong community of microbial pets in the home.
Activate your scoby if you got a dry one (not necessary if someone gave you a baby that their scoby had- which is a real thing that happens, and it seems so much less awful than human childbirth) and then brew up some kombucha tea
Forget that you are making kombucha for about a month, then remember, bottle some of it and save some for your next batch.
I got Scoby-Doo at a local natural
food store and after activating my new little pet, I’ve made one whole bottle
of strawberry kombucha. Not that anyone did the math her, but between the scoby,
tea, sugar, strawberries, and special glass bottles I had to buy for the project,
I spent about $40 dollars on one bottle of kombucha. #worthit
I’m not going to go into the details of how to activate a scoby and brew kombucha here, because, well, that seems like a lot. But I believe in you and your google skills. And just think of how proud your microbial pets will be when you learn not to kill them!
Kombucha that is ready to be bottled
Clean bottle with an airtight seal
Put your ingredients together in the chosen vessel
Allow to sit at room temperature to get fizzy (about 3-7 days). Once fizzy, store in the fridge until you are ready to use.
Have a private kombucha and sourdough party with Scoby-Doo and Breadly Cooper, excluding all of the other household pets who didn’t bother to make you food. Make sure to invite the chickens because they give you eggs.
Oh, hey there friends. Did we go like 2 or 3 weeks without a post? Listen, I’d love to come to you all and blame the economy and the border wall, but Mary Ellen and I made a commitment to our readers, so you’re going to get the truth. When you run a small internet blog company, you don’t always invest in the essentials right off the bat, so 1.5 years in and Mary Ellen and I have been sending our vacation requests to HRbot@mailerdaemon.eggplantandpie.com. Somehow we both thought the other was monitoring the inbox, and, well, in addition to booking the same time off, we ended up on a 2-week vacation at the same international swingers’ resort! Imagine our surprise when my boyfriend and Mary Ellen’s new husband realized they knew each other 10 hours into the Wednesday Men’s Tantric Seminar. Anyway, Mary Ellen and I are spinning from our whirlwind vacations, but between heavy doses of antibiotics and some prescription strength ointment, we’re back and ready to continue bringing all of you the high-quality posts you’ve come to expect.
Whether you’re recovering from mild nipple burns and gimp suit related chafing or working on getting your gag reflex back, it’s important to be kind to your body. You need to eat wholesome, real food and drink either acidic or alkaline water (I can’t remember which one was better, but I read an article about how the neutral pH of water is toxic and should be avoided at all costs).
I’ll walk you through my process of meeting the specialized nutritional needs of the post-vacation body.
Find an ethnic food that is either different, or the same as the area you just came from
Ask Siri or Google what restaurants are near you.
Log into Uber Eats or another food delivery app because you were out of your house for so long it would be impossible to leave again today.
Order all the food, focusing on the food pyramid which was switched to a plate. I wanted to include the food plate pyramid thing, but I didn’t feel like googling it. So instead I recreated it with my award winning illustration skills. It’s probably more scientifically accurate and artistically nuanced than the one published by the USDA.
Eat food, in your pajamas while watching Netflix
Just five easy steps to the perfect post-vacation meal!