Alternate title: Shit, I’m out of eggs and my chickens STILL aren’t fucking laying but I need a goddamn cookie
So, I have a problem. My chickens (they’re adorable and I love them so much) are STILL EATING THEIR MOTHERFUCKING EGGS.
I’ll have you know that there was so much anger in that sentence that I held down shift the whole time instead of hitting caps lock. It was intense. Glad I got that out. Anyway, I’m ordering more chickens this year. I need someone to lay some goddamn eggs and actually leave them for me. I’m keeping the other birds, of course. I’m just going to give them a stern talking-to about not training the new chickens to eat their eggs too.
So since it’s now 2019, I’m starting the new year with some sustainable health goals. More fruits. More veggies, maybe. Probably more nuts and legumes. Fiber. Whole grains. Fen-Phen. Wait… shit, sorry, I got carried away there. I promise, no banned diet pills. Unless they’re, like ground up in a cookie, then maybe. Should I backtrack a little more? Let’s start over.
Here’s some cookies! I added oatmeal, not just because I was almost out of flour, but also exclusively for that reason. I threw in some dried fruit and almonds because we already had a super healthy thing going. This was literally the first and only thing I’ve cooked this year (wait, do microwaved quesadillas count? If they count, then this was like the 30th thing I’ve made this year).
Adapted from this recipe
- 3/4 cup sugar
- 1/2 cup vegan butter
- 1/4 cup oil
- 1/4 cup unsweetened apple sauce
- 3 tbsp water
- 2 tsp vanilla extract
- 1 1/2 cups flour
- 2/3 cup oats
- 1 tsp baking soda
- 1/2 tsp salt (less if your butter is salted)
- ½-1 cup chocolate chips
- ½ cup dried cranberries
- ½ cup slivered almonds
- Optional: ground up illegal diet pills (may change the flavor and cause potentially fatal cardiac problems)
- Preheat oven to 375°
- In a small bowl, combine sweetener, butter, oil, water and vanilla.
- In a large bowl, mix together flour, oats, baking soda and salt
- Combine the flour and sugar mixtures. Fold in the chocolate chips, dried cranberries, almonds, or whatever the fuck you’re using
- Scoop onto a cookie sheet and bake for 8-10 minutes until the cookies look like they’re done
May 2019 be the year you meet your health and fitness goals without changing your diet or activity levels in any way.