Well, I’m back, folks. First and foremost, I would like to address some of the rumors that may have been circulating about me and being kidnapped.
It’s true, I was kidnapped while on vacation. However, there was no ransom pitched, unfortunately, to my husband. I wish I could say that my time with my kidnappers was traumatic, but I quickly moved up the ranks to second in command of what turned out to be a Drake cult. Like, Drake wasn’t a member. Just people that worshipped him like a God, the way God Intended.
We were riding high, baby. If you could just imagine a Gatsby style life, it was like that. Women, cars, money, and wine flowed like wine.
It all came to a crashing halt last week when the feds investigated our poorly executed money laundering scheme that we tried to make using an actual laundromat.
Maybe you’re wondering why I’m not in prison. Maybe not. Maybe you’re thinking, “I came here for a bread recipe, why am I reading about this criminal?” Well, you’re just going to be in for loads of disappointment today. I sung like a canary. I gave the man all he wanted to know, and a lot he didn’t want to know. To reward my rat like persona, I just have to wear an ankle bracelet and stay under house arrest for the next 10 years. I offered to give random urine samples but the DA rejected my offer.
So now, down to bread. I promised if I ever got out of the cult, I would try and perfect bread making. So I tried out the classic sandwich bread recipe from King Arthur’s flour website. Just go there for the recipe and instructions because I’m lazy and phone it in explaining things to others, and bread isn’t forgiving in that way. But I took pictures for you.
Basically, I did the recipe exactly the way it called for, except I substituted half the all purpose flour with King Arthur’s whole wheat flour. To, you know, make it “healthier.”
My very first ball of glutinous bread dough 💖💖💖
I didn’t knead this bread by hand, which I regret. I used a dough hook on my electric mixer and while it was kneading I cleaned up. I hated the proficiency of my high class technology.
Arrr! Somber dog lies waiting for her bread feast.
All in all, the bread was delicious, but didn’t turn out quiet the size and shape I wanted. I attribute this to over poofing, and the wheat flour, and maybe the amount of yeast I used. Also, I don’t know how to shape dough, which is apparently a skill, but I’ll YouTube that shit later. Doesn’t matter. I will scarf this down happily and try again. The crust and inside texture was perfect. I’m going for a bread machine recipe next though so I can be lazier. Some of my criminal sources brought me Serafina’s FBI file so I know that it’s her birthday today! She doesn’t look a day over 57, she looks amazing, I tell ya. I’m celebrating your honor by continuing to obsessively make the Fried rice recipe until I die. I eat mine with hummus to make it more self righteous.
“Pussy run everything.” – Drake