A Very Carefully Planned Tea Post

As the title of this blog clearly shows, today’s post has been thoughtfully planned out with as much care as I generally give to writing on this blog.

 

I have spent the better part of the week eating a healthy diet of fast food, balanced with nutritious donuts and cookies.  My skin has a definitive glow, that isn’t powdered sugar glistening in the sun.  I ate a bag of donuts for dinner.

 

Since I clearly have adulting down to a science, I decided to end my day reflecting on my life with a pot of tea.  It’s been a long week, full of excitement and drama but mostly just poop.  I just wanted to take pictures of my new tea set, but I guess I’ll come up with a bullshit list of life-changing bullet points so you know how to frame your own life.  I’m feeling generous, and drunk with an oversized ego right now.

 

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Q-Tips can’t be used in your ears.

I read an article about it, and it was incredibly bitchy and pushy about the whole thing.  Why did I buy Q-Tips in bulk at Costco then?  WTF do you need them for?  The article said they’re good for makeup but if you’re using cotton swabs for makeup application then I need to talk to you because something has gone wrong.  They’re wasteful, unless you need to dispose of earwax.

 

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Look the gift horse in the mouth.

And you fucking take a long ass look at it’s mouth.  I’ve been given a lot of dead horses and honestly  I’m tired of writing thank you cards for long expired horses.

 

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Drake’s real name is Aubrey.

And he’s the greatest musical genius of the last seven generations.

 

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What’s Weird Al up to?

I’m just curious.  How’s he doing?

 

Sometimes, we all need a moment to unwind and really meditate on the important things in life.  It’s how we keep stress at bay, and our pores clear.  It’s called “self care” or “treat yo’self” or whatever.  It’s also important to coin a bunch of terms and phrases for things to justify doing things like drinking tea and showering.  If you are showering regularly, that’s called self care, not basic hygiene.  It means you’ve decided to put down all your stressors and self care yourself.  Other things that you can do for self care, in case you need another list: drink water, eat food, sleep, get dressed, walk, talk to friends, and pet a dog, just to name a few.  I hope you were able to get all the self care you needed through my tea pictures today, though.  You can save that shower for tomorrow now.  Answer those emails with ease, baby.

 

Remember it doesn’t count if you don’t post about it on social media.  Bonus points for videos and selfies.  Pics or it didn’t happen, bitches.

 

Mary Ellen

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Whole Wheat Banana Bread

(Or how to cope with talking to your neighbors)

Sometimes when you’re a grown up you have to talk to your neighbors. It’s awful because they’re people, and even though you put up a privacy fence a little while ago, before the fence was up, they probably saw you running around your yard with matted hair and at least one boob hanging out.

Anyway, I had to talk to one of my neighbors today, and about 20 minutes after I was back in the safety of my own home, I realized that I smelled terrible. I make my own deodorant, but sometimes the natural diy stuff just doesn’t help with the horrible anxiety sweat that you get from having to talk to a human person.

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They say build bridges not fences, but did a bridge ever stop your neighbors from calling the cops when you’re running around drunk and topless? I didn’t think so.

Fortunately, I learned that hand sanitizer makes wonderful deodorant spray that actually works. I’ve tried to make my own version, but it always just smells like rubbing alcohol. I’m not sure what the commercial armpit spray people do differently, but I don’t care enough to bother looking.

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We were supposed to get paid for endorsing this product, but Mary Ellen was pretty tipsy when she was negotiating and we ended up having to pay them.

Why is a banana bread recipe following this daring tale of bravery and armpit spray, you ask? Well, not everything is about you, and sometimes I want to make some goddamn banana bread.

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I may not have fancy place mats like Mary Ellen, but I do have a stove top that I rarely clean.

Whole Wheat Banana Bread

Adapted from Cookie and Kate

Ingredients:

1/3 cup melted coconut oil or olive oil

½ cup honey

2 eggs

2 fairly large ripe bananas

1 tbsp. molasses

½ c unsweetened almond milk or water

1 tsp baking soda

1 tsp vanilla

1 ½ tsp cinnamon

½ tsp salt

1 ¾ c brown spelt flower or whole wheat flower

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The mysterious jar is vanilla extract. And by that, I mean, vanilla beans and booze.

Instructions:

Preheat oven to 325° and grease a 9×5 loaf pan

Smash bananas

Whisk oil, honey, eggs, bananas, vanilla, molasses, and almond milk in a large bowl.

In a medium bowl, whisk flour, salt, cinnamon, and baking soda.

Pour the dry ingredients into the wet ingredients and mix to combine

Pour the batter into the prepared loaf pan and bake for about 55-65 minutes. Watch closely the last 10 minutes or so. It’s done when a toothpick or skewer comes out clean.

I’ve heard it’s best to wait until the loaf cools before you start cutting and eating slices, but I’ve literally never tried.

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I couldn’t even wait until I took a picture to cut a slice, but there were no negative consequences to my decision.

Do you best to eat at least one slice nude in your backyard.

-Serafina

 

How to Hem Jacket Sleeves

As an Aspiring Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman (that’s a real job you can get, right?), I sometimes have to do things like buy a lab coat for grad school. Obviously I’m not going to med school or anything, but I’m still going to call myself Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman when I graduate.

Before school started, I considered calling Mary Ellen’s husband and just asking if he had a spare lab coat laying around (since I think he might be a scientist or something), but then I remembered a few things about my future lab coat

  1. I had to get the fucker embroidered, which rules out borrowing anything
  2. Despite my beautiful feminine physique, I have super long monkey arms and sleeves are never, ever, long enough.

So, I was left with the sad option of trying on every lab coat in the school bookstore while trying to look really casual since it was orientation day and I didn’t want to be the kind of person who pays too much attention to lab coats. After about 14 coats, it became abundantly clear that our society is maliciously discriminating against tall people. I couldn’t spend much time planning a protest, though, because I still needed to buy a coat and get on with the day. I ended up getting a men’s coat with the intention of popping the arm seams and then re-hemming them, which is precisely what I did when the coat arrived. I then left it on a hanger with loose threads all over the place for many months until I remembered that I need to wear it soon.

Don’t worry, guys. I’m going to break this down into a simple, no-nonsense process. I’m pretty sure this would also work for people with T. rex arms wanting to shorten their sleeves (I’m looking at you, Mary Ellen).

Step one: pop the seam and then pin it with pins in the right place.

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This is actually really hard to do by yourself, but don’t worry, I believe in you.

Step two: Probably iron the sleeves so your hem line doesn’t look like shit.

Step three: Clear off your desk or table so you can get your sewing machine out.

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The 2017 card in the middle of the desk was from Mary Ellen. She either sends out New Years cards really late, or I never clean my desk.

Step four: Remember that there is a thing called “the bobbin” and that you will need the right colored thread on it. Hold back tears.

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Why was there yellow thread in this? When have I ever sewn anything yellow? Where did this sewing machine even come from? Maybe I stole it from someone with a sunny disposition and the theft of the sewing machine crushed their soul. We’ll likely never know.

Step five: Find your sewing machine manual because, without it, you will never remember how to “wind the bobbin” (which is surprisingly not a euphemism).

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If you’ve ever tried to watch youtube tutorials of how to use your sewing machine, you know that you actually need to keep the manual because people are incapable of explaining the whole bobbin situation.

Step six: Actually get your shit together and carefully start sewing. Try to go slowly so the hem doesn’t look too wonky.

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Yes, there is still a nerf gun on the desk. You never know when you’re going to need to protect yourself.

Step seven: Look professional as fuck.

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I put on my best sweat pants to complete the look.

Step eight: (you could probably omit this step) Remember that an older lady you used to work with once advised you to burn loose threads with a lighter so they don’t fray. Proceed to actually burn your newly hemmed coat. Decide to hang it up in the closet with its pretty new scorch mark and pour yourself a glass of wine whiskey.

Knowledge Brings Fear

-Serafina