As the title of this blog clearly shows, today’s post has been thoughtfully planned out with as much care as I generally give to writing on this blog.
I have spent the better part of the week eating a healthy diet of fast food, balanced with nutritious donuts and cookies. My skin has a definitive glow, that isn’t powdered sugar glistening in the sun. I ate a bag of donuts for dinner.
Since I clearly have adulting down to a science, I decided to end my day reflecting on my life with a pot of tea. It’s been a long week, full of excitement and drama but mostly just poop. I just wanted to take pictures of my new tea set, but I guess I’ll come up with a bullshit list of life-changing bullet points so you know how to frame your own life. I’m feeling generous, and drunk with an oversized ego right now.
Q-Tips can’t be used in your ears.
I read an article about it, and it was incredibly bitchy and pushy about the whole thing. Why did I buy Q-Tips in bulk at Costco then? WTF do you need them for? The article said they’re good for makeup but if you’re using cotton swabs for makeup application then I need to talk to you because something has gone wrong. They’re wasteful, unless you need to dispose of earwax.
Look the gift horse in the mouth.
And you fucking take a long ass look at it’s mouth. I’ve been given a lot of dead horses and honestly I’m tired of writing thank you cards for long expired horses.
Drake’s real name is Aubrey.
And he’s the greatest musical genius of the last seven generations.
What’s Weird Al up to?
I’m just curious. How’s he doing?
Sometimes, we all need a moment to unwind and really meditate on the important things in life. It’s how we keep stress at bay, and our pores clear. It’s called “self care” or “treat yo’self” or whatever. It’s also important to coin a bunch of terms and phrases for things to justify doing things like drinking tea and showering. If you are showering regularly, that’s called self care, not basic hygiene. It means you’ve decided to put down all your stressors and self care yourself. Other things that you can do for self care, in case you need another list: drink water, eat food, sleep, get dressed, walk, talk to friends, and pet a dog, just to name a few. I hope you were able to get all the self care you needed through my tea pictures today, though. You can save that shower for tomorrow now. Answer those emails with ease, baby.
Remember it doesn’t count if you don’t post about it on social media. Bonus points for videos and selfies. Pics or it didn’t happen, bitches.