Hello, dear Eggpiers (that’s our fandom name now, just FYI). Serafina is busy binge watching Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman so I pulled myself away from my own binging to post in her stead this week. It was really hard. I was actually still watching stuff, and I finally decided I better do it now. If there’s a lot of typos and nonsense sentences, it’s because the show I’m watching is more important than writing this (I’m just watching Kpop videos right now and trying to dance). I do not read what I’ve written that’s not what real artists do.
Now that warm weather is here, I really hate turning on the oven, the stove, or my husband because I will burst into literal flames from getting overheated. Breakfast smoothies are always a nice way to start your day. But what if you haven’t gone to the store in a while? What if you have no greens or fruit or whatever the hell people put in those things to make them healthy and a complete “meal?” Well, I’ve got you covered.
You do need to have this stuff on hand, but they won’t go bad in thirty minutes in your humid as hell house. It tastes fine. Remember this is just to get out the door and on with your life.
Mary Ellen’s I Can’t Breakfast Smoothie
1 frozen banana
1 cup unsweetened almond milk
1 tsp maca powder
1 scoop meal replacement powder (see pic above)
1 TBSP almond butter
Blend all this shit together until smooth.
Alright guys I need to go focus on these dances or I’ll never be able to challenge one of these boy bands to a dance off. I read somewhere that dancing is 75% confidence, 20% cute outfits, and 5% abs.
Remember how I said I was worried my boyfriend was going gluten free? Well don’t worry, I decided to disregard his dietary restrictions and make these cinnamon rolls. And now he’s no longer interested in being GF. Don’t look at me like that, I’m a good person. It’s not like he has Celiac’s or anything (probably).
Anyway, my new goal in life is to stop eating vegetables and eat only sugar. My biggest hurdle so far is the horrific GI distress that ensues after eating all the pastries and then I turn back to my horrible, disgusting salad eating habit. I know, I know. I’m working on it. I’m kidding of course about the all-sugar diet. This weekend I ate a strict diet of Chipotle and frozen food from Costco. I’m the picture of health.
Anyway, to work on my #healthfoodgoals I used half whole wheat flour here. All whole wheat is too much, but you can get away with half without worrying that you accidentally had some fiber with your breakfast.
3/4 cup flour
¾ whole wheat flour
2 tsp sugar
1 tsp baking powder
½ tsp baking soda
¼ tsp salt
2/3 c unsweetened almond milk (or, like, regular milk)
1 tsp apple cider vinegar
6 tbsp melted butter, divided
½ cup brown sugar
2 tsp cinnamon
For the glaze
About 2 tbsp each: melted butter, brown sugar, and unsweetened almond milk
Preheat oven to 375°
Spray a muffin pan with oil
Combine the flour, white sugar, baking soda and powder, and salt in a large bowl.
In a smaller bowl, mix the almond milk, vinegar, and 4 tbsp butter.
Add the milk mixture to the flower mixture
Roll out with a lot of flour on the counter (seriously, use a shitload of flour or you’ll cry when your dough is stuck to the counter).
Mix the melted butter with the brown sugar and the cinnamon and then smear all over the dough.
Roll it up, then cut into 8 or 9 even pieces. Place each piece in a muffin slot. Honestly, this would probably work with just a regular cookie sheet, but give them a little room to expand.
Bake for about 15 minutes
Make glaze by melting together more butter, brown sugar, and almond milk. Glaze cinnamon rolls.
Try not to eat too many salads in between your cinnamon rolls
Yes I know. I’ve been cooking. Honestly, a person can only get so much therapeutic benefits from an Irish health smoothie before they have to clean up their life. That person might be me.
This week’s recipe is one that even Serafina’s vegetarian ass can get behind. It’s healthy, wholesome (unlike your mom), meat and dairy free, and also guilt free, so you can shove all these things in everyone’s faces at the next family get together. There’s no reason Easter also can’t be a holiday that families fight about food ethics. We can do better. Insert your jabs about Trump’s policies on deporting all vegetables from his plate, or how Bernie wouldn’t be such a commie if he’s stop enslaving cows. There you go, I provided topics for next year to get past all that awkward “weather” talk.
I was inspired to create these recipes to try and get my toddler to eat something with nutritional value. It didn’t work on him, but it did work on my husband so it’s a soft win. This also satisfies both team sweet and savory at the breakfast table.
For the Hash:
1-2 lbs yellow potatoes, diced
1 red bell pepper, diced
1 can of chickpeas, drained and rinsed
2 cloves of garlic, minced
1/2 sweet onion, diced
1 TBSP olive oil
1/2 cup nutritional yeast
1 TBSP fresh dill
Herbamare to taste
Heat olive oil on medium heat. Add the potatoes, pepper, garlic, and onion to the pan and sauté until the potatoes are fork tender. Mash up the chickpeas and add to the pan, as well as the nutritional yeast and dill, and cook until the chickpeas are heated. Season to taste. Burn a little bit to the pan.
For the Pancakes:
1 cup raw buckwheat groats, ground to a powder
1/2 cup whole wheat flour (I used King Arthur)
2 tsp baking powder
Pinch of salt
1 3/4 – 2 cups unsweetened almond milk
2 tsp vanilla
2 TBSP maple syrup
Whisk the dry ingredients together in a big bowl. Add the wet ingredients and whisk until smooth. You don’t need to whisk wet separately, and you need the batter smooth, no clumps. Let it rest for a few minutes before you griddle it up.
I don’t know how to end this post, but I want to go eat pudding now, so I’ll just do it awkwardly.
You guys, I have some rough news. You see, Mary Ellen and I have been friends for a long time, and I watched her go through the horrors of not eating gluten for YEARS before she ate some bread and was like “oh fuck yeah, this shit’s the best!” Well, my dearest, darling-est boyfriend is now talking about going GF. It’s literally killing me. You read that right, it isn’t figuratively killing me, it’s very literal. Because gluten is life’s antivenom (I guess the venom part is just normal life. Too dark?)
Anyway, I try to be supportive every now and then, so I made a quiche without the delicious gluten-y crust. And then I put broccoli in it, which he doesn’t eat anyway. He wasn’t happy. But the good news here is that my chickens are laying eggs more frequently since it’s getting closer to spring, so I had an abundance of eggs. My chickens are such good girls. At least they still eat gluten with me.
1 large or two small heads of broccoli, chopped into small florets
About ½ cup cheese (or if you hate going to the store, 5-6 slices of cheese chopped into small pieces)
½ cup unsweetened almond milk or regular milk
Small amount onion powder
Salt and pepper
Preheat oven to 400
Heat oil and onion powder in cast iron skillet (or another oven safe skillet) and add broccoli. Cover and let steam/simmer for a few minutes until bright green and just a little soft
Beat eggs with milk, add a little pepper and salt, then stir in cheese
Pour egg mixture over broccoli and even out where your massive chunks of sliced cheese went if that is a problem
Cook for about 10-15 minutes, checking frequently. It’s done when the middle is just set
Let it sit for a few minutes before serving.
May you all find something with gluten to eat very soon
I’m going to try something different with you guys today. Instead of my usual fool-proof recipe that I provide you so that you can finally learn to cook and stop disappointing your family, I’m going to walk you through a cautionary tale about juice.
In a misguided “it’s still early in 2018 so I should try to eat healthy or something” attempt, I decided to make juice without a juicer. You see, juicers are probably expensive, and I don’t really like juice that much. So I never got around to buying one. I also never got married, so I only have kitchen appliances that I decided to purchase with legal currency or received as a hand-me-down. Anyway, no juicer. And I thought I didn’t care about juicing until I found several recipes for a beet-carrot-apple-ginger juice that’s made in a blender. Let’s start with the recipe and then we’ll get to the cautionary tale part…
Beet (peel it and cut it into some pieces so your blender doesn’t explode or something)
Apple (same instructions as above, but less important because apples aren’t as hard as beets)
1” chunk of peeled ginger
Throw it all in the blender with about ½ cup water or other juice (I used water, why would I be making juice if I already had juice?)
Dump into a sieve over a bowl and wait for it to drip out
Ok, now that the nitty gritty is out of the way, let’s talk about why you should never make juice with a blender, especially this juice.
First of all, the blender handled the task pretty well and didn’t explode, so that went fine. I was really busy trying not to stain my clothes as I dumped the “juice” pulp into a sieve/bowl so I didn’t get any pictures of that step. Luckily for you, as I have mentioned previously, I am a certified courtroom illustrator, so I can recreate the scene for you with ease and accuracy.
Now, as the juice is dripping into the bowl at mind-bogglingly slow pace, you might think that it smells really fresh and that you’re excited to drink it. Don’t get your hopes up. After the first round of straining, mine was still SUPER chunky, so I had to strain it a second time with a finer sieve. All told, I spent like 15 minutes mushing around pulp before I got about 200ml juice.
At this point, I figured this juice had to be fucking mind blowingly amazing or no one would have ever wasted their time with it in the first place. So, I took my first sip, and it was kinda ok. Then I took my second sip, and I thought it was kind of interesting, and warming with the ginger juice. And then when I took my third sip, I audibly gagged and had to try really hard not to vomit in the kitchen.
After that shock wore off, I thought it through and realized that I was just having an uncontrollable gag reflex and horribly unpleasant warm feeling in my stomach because of the ginger juice. No biggie. So I did what any good girlfriend would do, I brought the juice to my boyfriend and made him try it. He didn’t describe wanting to vomit, but he reported feeling repulsed before passing on a second sip.
So I was now faced with a dilemma, I had about half the awful juice left but I had put so much work into it I couldn’t bear to waste it. After deliberating for about 20 minutes, I decided that I had no choice. I gulped the rest of it down, which was a deeply regrettable decision.
You know, after all of that I’m actually having trouble deciding if this was a cautionary tale or a strong endorsement. Let’s do a Pro/Con list, those always help:
Your kitchen sink will make you feel like Dexter when you are cleaning up
You will feel very healthful prior to drinking this juice
Your blender probably won’t explode
You can give your chickens some beet greens, which they LOVE!
If the Dexter part really resonated, you can cover your hands in the leftover pulp and pretend that you murdered your boyfriend for a few seconds until it gets just a little bit too dark or he walks in on you and looks like he might call the cops
You will most likely vomit upon drinking the juice, or at the very least experience severe nausea
Your kitchen will be very messy and beet juice stains everything
You will most definitely get a beet juice stain on your favorite sweatshirt, no matter how careful you are
You might develop a taste aversion to all of the ingredients in the juice as a result of drinking it
If you end up keeping the juice down, all of the bodily excretions you have over the next several hours to days will “bleed” red because of the beet juice (wait, should this be on the pro list?)
You know what? We’re tied! 5 pros, 5 cons! I guess I’ll just leave it up to you to decide if you want to make this fancy blender juice!
I forgot to post last week. I have no excuse, because I did the recipes and had all the pictures and most of it written and I just forgot. I’m not sorry. I’ve mostly been busy playing Skyrim so I have a very good excuse.
I went insane at Costco recently and bought a ton of chicken. All sorts of chicken. And then I also decided to get some whole chickens and be like, super amazing with my cooking. But then I just made porridge.
If you’re unaware, you can buy a PACK of two whole organic chickens at Costco. For the people who are on a budget, and love eating chicken all the time, buying it Whole is way more cost effective. Worried it’ll take more time to prepare? Worried that it’s scary? Worried you’ll fuck it all up and you should have just gone with your usual dry-ass chicken breast recipe that you’ve convinced yourself is good enough? Well, unfortunately, your first two worries are probably correct but the last one is not.
Follow me while I take you on a chicken journey.
It all started when I decided I wanted to make dakjuk. I was about to just do a recipe that used all my regular techniques of cutting corners and using store bought, pre-prepped stuff, but then I found this lady. She mentions, subtly, two ways she makes her porridge and I was so intrigued by the prospect of boiling a whole chicken because it sounded so gross I needed to try it.
Oh Costco. I love you so much.
So, a different lady’s blog that I browsed while trying to figure out what boiling chickens was like was a bit of a mental case about it. She acted like it was the most disgusting thing in the world and that she really only does it to save money, etc etc and prayed to Jesus the whole time because it was so hard for her. And I really wanted to hold her close and whisper, “honey, Jesus doesn’t want you to suffer so in His name. Just use gloves, bitch.”
It looks really horrendous because I’m very bad at carefully removing things from pots.
See it’s not so bad.
Anyway, it wasn’t that bad. I mean, I was expecting a lot of bad after reading her post, but it was pleasantly easy and not bad at all. Also, you don’t need a recipe. Throw the chicken in a big pot and boil it with some veggies for an hour. Remove the chicken, debone it, add bones and more water to the pot, and boil for another hour. Strain and you have your stock. It’s easy as shit.
It makes a lot of stock.
So, boiled chicken (when you do it with veggies on the bone with skin) is actually really good. I used this recipe for dakjuk and holy crap it was amazing. Seriously, it will forever replace chicken noodle soup as my sickly comfort food, and it is a nice dish to have to rest my body after a weekend of donut binging. Make like three times more than what the recipe calls for because it won’t be enough.
So what did I do with the other chicken? I roasted it. I’ve never roasted a whole chicken before either, and everyone has a really fancy recipe that makes it intimidating. Through the Korean Bapsang blog I found this recipe.
However, I like to be thorough, so I trussed the chicken like this. It actually did produce a better roast, though I don’t have much to compare it to, except turkey at Thanksgiving, which always cooks unevenly I feel like. Anyway, we ate some of this for dinner one night and then the rest got chopped up and mixed with the leftover boiled chicken and I made the most amazing chicken salad sandwich that I’ve ever had in my entire life. Mmmm chicken chicken chicken.
So there you go. That’s what I’ve been doing lately. Sacrificing chickens left and right while also leveling up as a khajiit in Skyrim is how I’m fulfilling my New Years’ resolutions. I’m sure Serafina is crying and totally traumatized at this point, trying to comfort her chickens because she reads this blog out loud to them and I must admit it was a bit of a hostile post. Don’t worry I’ll post about something less chickeny next time.
I figured I would make my final recipe post for 2016 – wait – 2017, my most complex one yet.
Okay, I hope you’re all done laughing now. I would never ever ruin a good year of coming up with half-assed recipes with a decent one. I would never ruin things, like Serafina always does. Like when she puts wine into recipes instead of drinking it. I will never understand such monsters.
So if you’re done with the old year and have given up in hopes that somehow changing a ‘7’ to an ‘8’ will somehow make your life better, well, my recipe this week won’t get in the way of that. It’s very self-loathing positive. Also, if you are snowed in or something, it uses very few ingredients, and you may have some lying around, or you can just make something else.
Whatever, I’m already drunk for NYE so I don’t care.
Mary Ellen’s fancy rice recipe
1 cup cooked brown rice
2 tsp sesame oil
1/2 cup veggie of choice (I used shelled edamame)
Salt to taste
Hummus as needed (optional)
Cook up rice in a rice cooker because who the hell actually makes it on a stove. Steam vegetables, then mix all together with oil and sprinkling of salt. I enjoy mine with hummus, but I bet ranch dressing would also work.
Now go make some drunken mistakes with camera phones this NYE.
I’m sorry that I’ve been MIA for a long while. I was sick, died, ressurected, and then I’ve been busy coming up with the perfect playlist for working out. I love making playlists for everything because they are the modern form of mix tapes, which I used to actually make for people all the time, because I was adorable/a creepy nerd. Have a crush? Let them know with a heartfelt compilation of emotional Hanson songs. I continued this tradition even with the advent of CDs, and even went so far as to make a “I’m sorry we broke up, I want to be friends, but I also still want to have sex with you/I will stalk you every day until you love me” mix. When CDs died, I ran to iTunes, and now I’m resting comfortably with Spotify.
Since I’ve been so busy making playlists, I hardly have time to cook, clean, or have foresight in general. Actually, I don’t think I even made dinner for my husband last night. I think I had a bowl of cereal, I wonder what he had?
I go back and forth on the egg thing. I love eggs most of the time, but then I need like, several months of a break. I make a lot of egg scrambles with whatever ingredients I have on hand. This recipe, however, was inspired by a dish at a local ramen spot near my house. A true gem of a place. We went with friends, and it took a couple of hours to get all our food, which was fine since they brought out my sake and I didn’t care about the rest. After like 90 minutes of still missing half our order, I walked up to one of the dudes walking around, and politely informed him that we were still missing our dishes, and like, wondered if they were going to get them for us. He didn’t speak English, and ran away. He was scared of me the rest of the night.
Anyway, one of our friends and Annie both ordered vegetable fried rice, and they brought out rice with egg in it, and no vegetables. I was jealous.
This recipe is not fried rice. I’m too lazy for that. Egg Scramble with Rice (adapted from a local ramen joint with communication issues)
1 cup frozen vegetables of your choice
1/2 TBSP butter or oil
1/2 cup cooked rice of your choice
Heat butter or oil in a pan at medium heat and add vegetables. Cook until heated through and add cheese (if you want) until it melts.
Scramble the eggs in a bowl and pour into pan.
Prepare a bowl of rice and drizzle soy sauce in it and mix it in. Top it with the scramble and eat it while silently wishing you were eating cookies for lunch instead.
That’s all for this week. If you would like your own personalized mixtape from Mary Ellen, send an inquiry through the Contact Page and a representative will be with you within 1-12 days.
Scrambles are just free spirited omelettes.
Sometimes when you’re a grown up you have to talk to your neighbors. It’s awful because they’re people, and even though you put up a privacy fence a little while ago, before the fence was up, they probably saw you running around your yard with matted hair and at least one boob hanging out.
Anyway, I had to talk to one of my neighbors today, and about 20 minutes after I was back in the safety of my own home, I realized that I smelled terrible. I make my own deodorant, but sometimes the natural diy stuff just doesn’t help with the horrible anxiety sweat that you get from having to talk to a human person.
Fortunately, I learned that hand sanitizer makes wonderful deodorant spray that actually works. I’ve tried to make my own version, but it always just smells like rubbing alcohol. I’m not sure what the commercial armpit spray people do differently, but I don’t care enough to bother looking.
Why is a banana bread recipe following this daring tale of bravery and armpit spray, you ask? Well, not everything is about you, and sometimes I want to make some goddamn banana bread.
M.E. and I have an ongoing “polite discussion” about the spelling of this heavenly, breakfast-appropriate dessert. I have no plans on conceding.
January is a time for us to take an honest look at our lives, to evaluate our health and habits. I’ve therefore decided that 2017 needs more doughnuts. A lot more doughnuts. On the days that I remember my digestive weakness (AKA lactose intolerance), I go out of my way to make my own treats. It’s mostly altruistic, because when I don’t avoid dairy properly it’s pretty unpleasant for anyone in my immediate vicinity.
I’m lazy and I also don’t like putting my appendages near hot bubbling oils, so I was delighted to discover baked doughnut pans. I have them in two sizes. When you make a pan of mini doughnuts, you’re allowed to eat the whole dozen. It’s part of the deal.
I should also mention that I don’t always clean off my counter when I cook or bake. I just unceremoniously shove things out of the way. I’ll try to work on cropping my photos better so you don’t notice.
Mini doughnuts take much less batter than the big ones. It’s hard to say how much they take because halfway through any recipe I stop measuring and start eating batter. We’re lucky we got any baked doughnuts at all. The larger sized doughnuts were somewhat of an afterthought. My mini doughnut pan took way less batter than I thought, so I used the rest in my big doughnut pan but didn’t bother greasing it.
Makes about 12 mini doughnuts and 4 or 5 regular ones (or just 6 regular doughnuts if you can’t handle more than one size of doughnut)
1 c flour
¾ teaspoon baking powder
¼ teaspoon baking soda
½ teaspoon salt
½ teaspoon nutmeg (freshly grated really does make a difference)
1/3 cup sugar
3 tablespoon browned butter
1 egg (large)
½ cup buttermilk (I use almond milk with about a teaspoon of vinegar, left to rest for a minute or two to curdle)
2 tsp vanilla (half for the doughnuts, half for the frosting)
1 ½ c powdered sugar
4 tbsp cocoa powder
3-4 tbsp milk (again, I used almond milk)
Preheat oven to 350°F
Grease your doughnut pans (unless you don’t want to eat torn apart doughnuts dipped in frosting)
Combine flour, baking powder and soda, sugar, salt, and nutmeg.
Melt butter. To see instructions on how to brown butter, you can google it or click this handy link (which was at the top of my google search)
Transfer browned butter into a bowl. Add the egg, almond “buttermilk,” and vanilla. Mix and then add in flower and mix until well combined.
Either spoon or pipette the batter in to the prepared doughnut pan(s). I dumped my batter in a plastic bag, cut the tip, and oozed the batter into the pan. It worked well for me. Aim to fill the pans about 2/3 of the way. If you overfill them, they’ll will lose the hole in the middle when they rise.
Bake for 8-10 minutes, they are done when a toothpick comes out clean. Cool in the pan for a little bit before inverting onto a cooling rack.
Make the frosting by whisking together the remaining butter, powdered sugar, cocoa powder, vanilla, and milk. Add milk slowly to get the consistency dip-able.
Dip each doughnut in the frosting. Allow frosting to harden briefly or risk getting chocolate all over your arms.
I recommend sprinkles for the full doughnut effect. I went with naturally colored sprinkles, which was obviously a mistake. I trust you will make a better decision than I did.