Hello, Eggplanters! I’m sure you missed me, Mary Ellen. Unless you’ve never noticed that there are multiple writers for this blog, in which case, fuck you, because one of us clearly pulls most of the weight (it’s not me).
So, I went on vacation, but then contracted scabies on the pirate ship I commissioned to get me to my honeymoon destination. It’s been a long month and I’m already always drunk so nothing can save me at this point.
In addition to being ill, I really haven’t left my house in a very long time. I considered opening a tab and having a standing order at Pizza Hut to get me through the dark times. This has lead to a shortage of food at my home. I have no food. Send food. Can you Venmo me some food? Is that what Venmo is? Someone help.
Anyway, I was hungry at an acceptable breakfast hour, and luckily I had some steel cut oats. Everything you see in the following pictures is all I have at my house, plus coffee, and two cans of not La Croix.
Let’s make some oatmeal!
You might have to google how to make oats or reference a book. Go to the library and ask a librarian over for breakfast and maybe he or she can make you a better breakfast. Anyway, I buy oats in the bulk section with my reusable hippie bags and I think for steel cut oats it’s a 1:4 ratio of oats and water. Don’t correct me if I’m wrong because I’m already stuck in my ways. Add salt to your bath water. Er, I mean, oat water.
When the oats are done, add the other ingredients to your taste. It’s fine, it’s a passable breakfast, and you are still better than all of us that succumbed to the bagel shop down the road. Good job. But you don’t have to be a smug asshole about it.
I promise to deliver more quality content such as this next week (Serafina is taking a long bath next week and is busy).
Friends, I know you were all a little disappointed after Mary Ellen’s last post. I mean, she didn’t even tell you how to make the bread you were toasting before you had to combine different sprinkle colors. This kind of inattention to recipe details is frankly embarrassing, and I don’t mind publicly blasting her for it.
I mentioned a few weeks ago that I was making sourdough and, not only was I the kind of absolute monster that didn’t share the bread with my adorable new puppy, but I also didn’t share the recipe with any of you. I’m going to rectify that today (sort of) and let you know how you absolutely need to stop what you are doing and spend like 9 hours making sourdough.
I’ve tried my hand at bread making a few times over the years and was always so disappointed with the lightning-fast process. 2 hours from start to finish. I’m making my own bread here, not taking a dump. I’d like to savor the experience, dabble with the dough for a few minutes every three or four hours, really fill up what could otherwise be a productive day. But, I’m a busy woman who spends an entire day making one or two loaves of bread, I don’t have time to wax on about this. I also don’t have time to give you any coherent information about how to get into the fast and loose sourdough lifestyle so, that’s probably disappointing for you.
Step 2: feed your sourdough starter regularly. I named my sourdough and make sure I interact with it regularly. I’m actually not going to tell your starter how to take care of this microbial pet. Google it or check out an actual resource.
Step 3: make sourdough bread!!!
Ingredients for two loaves, halve the recipe for just one loaf
800 grams flour (I like to use 1/3 or so whole wheat flour)
260 ml water
320 grams sourdough starter
20 grams (about 4 tsp) salt
Knead for, like, ever. Or 10 minutes. Or until the dough is soft and just right. TBH, every time I knead dough I am 100% certain I either over or under kneaded it and I have no idea which one.
Prove for 4 hours
Re-knead and divide in half.
Prove for another 4 hours
Bake for about 30 minutes. Either in a dutch oven or on a baking sheet and throw some water in the oven with it. Seriously, I’m not typing out the details. You’re going to need to look at a much better source to do this correctly
It’s unfortunate (for you) that I’m the one posting the week before St. Patrick’s Day, because I’m not exactly a fan of this particular holiday. Green is just not one of my colors, so I end up having a sore hand from all the slapping I have to do because people try to pinch me.
I am, however, Irish in heritage, so I feel obligated to do something.
So I made toast.
That’s authentic, right? Also, I made toast inspired by a favorite childhood cereal because Irish people like cereal, right? I dunno.
Perhaps research would have helped me out today, but eh, it’s Friday and I have to save my hand muscles.
Since toast is kind of involved I was careful to document the entire process, except the toasting process, which I forgot to document. Here’s instruction on how to do that.
Crunchy Cinnamon Toast!
Liquid sweetener (I used agave, but honey or maple syrup would suffice)
Toast your bread. See the link above for instructions.
Butter your bread, liberally.
Drizzle your sweetener. [insert Ariana Grande reference]
Sprinkle the cinnamon.
Sprinkle with green sugar sprinkles.
Alright, now that you’ve eaten this balanced breakfast, go out and flog your Molly or whatever the kids do.
Ah, Valentime’s Day. It’s the time in which we celebrate the birth of one of the greatest lovers of all time, Saint Valen. Side note: his name is where we get the word “valor” so this just goes to show how important this day really is. (Source: Your Mom)
Anyway, Eggplanters, you know I live a very private life. I only share the intimate details of my life with my cam subscribers, so revealing this all to you is very hard for me.
Annie is gone.
I lost Annie some time ago (not really sure when because I just realized he was gone like a month ago) in the basement. I didn’t really want to go looking for him, because I was worried I’d encounter spiders. Dead or alive, spiders scare me.
So I remarried, and his name is Greg O. Gregerson.
I know what you’re thinking and YES I totally think he’s the spitting image of sexiest man alive, Paul Giamatti.
Anyway, for our first VDay together, I made the most romantic food you can make anyone: waffles. I know you all probably need a good waffle in your life after Serafina misappropriated meat culture last week.
This recipe used a base outline from Joy the Baker’s Blueberry Sour Cream Waffles in her brunch book (Eggs Over Easy) which you can buy here. But I made them healthier, and then I made them way less healthy than the original recipe.
Ingredients: – 1 1/2 cups white whole wheat flour – 2 tsp baking powder – 1/2 tsp baking soda – 1/2 tsp salt – 3 Tbsp granulated sugar – 1/3 cup butter, melted, then cooled to room temp – 2 large eggs – 2 tsp vanilla extract – 1 cup plain Greek yogurt – 1/4 milk (I used almond but you can use anything – 1 cup white chocolate morsels – 1 cup strawberry chia seed jam (I used the recipe from Oh She Glows, but used vanilla extract powder) – make sure it’s cold or at room temp or you’ll cook the eggs – Chocolate ganache, whipped cream, jam, whatever, for serving.
Whisk all the dry ingredients together in a large bowl.
Whisk the wet ingredients together in a separate bowl.
Combine the forces of wet and dry, but don’t over mix or you’ll create a wormhole.
Fold in the white chocolate chips, and then swirl in the cooled jam.
5. Turn on your waffle maker and let the batter rest while you’re waiting for it to heat. Also, follow your waffle maker’s instructions on whether to spray or not to spray.
6. Drop in 1/4 cup amounts into the maker and wait for the magic to happen.
So there you have it. Eat all the carbs this VDay. Also, check out our mukbang videos over on our Instagram page.
Only fools rush into eating waffles without whipped cream.
Disclaimer: This smoothie will turn out ugly, as pictured.
Oh hey there, eggplanters. I’m sure some of you were wondering if I’d return after Mary Ellen’s blasphemous post about the health benefits of cheesecake. Well, I’m still here and it will take more than a dairy-infused feud to stop me.
I’ve been thinking about our time here together, and I feel like I have a moral obligation to use my significant clout for the greater good. I think everyone can see where I’m going here. This is going to be an all-out rant about group texts. You see, awhile back I was added (against my will) to a group text involving my darling boyfriend’s entire family. For years, he has complained about my family, we see them all the time, and there are just a lot of us Bearfinas. And while my family may outnumber his 10:1, at least my people had the decency to keep him out of any group texts. Now, it’s well documented that I am an exceedingly tolerant person, however, today was the final straw. Somehow a text chain about current events led to a series of offensive chicken memes and I could no longer contain my rage. After a brief 20 text rant/dissertation about chicken rights, as well as a few dozen thoughtful PETA re-tweets, I regained control of my life and decided to lead by example instead of shouting via group text.
So here I am, Fully enlightened. Drinking a smoothie that was originally supposed to be green but turned out kinda brown because I added strawberries.
Vegan Green Smoothie, for health and enlightenment
Makes two smoothies, so you can share your enlightenment with your future self:
Small handful of mixed frozen berries
Large handful of spinach
Some almond milk
Put all the fruit at the bottom, followed by the spinach, followed by the almond milk
If you are saving one of the smoothies for later, wait until you’re actually going to make the smoothie to add the almond milk
Take a selfie while you’re drinking your smoothie, show off that radiant glow and deep understanding of the universe
For a long time I was hiding in anonymity, concerned about what my family, boyfriend’s family, and colleagues would think of my flawless recipes and exceptional prose. But no more! I’m here! I’m going to soar through the skies like a chicken. And feast on vegan greenish smoothies.
Hello, dear Eggpiers (that’s our fandom name now, just FYI). Serafina is busy binge watching Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman so I pulled myself away from my own binging to post in her stead this week. It was really hard. I was actually still watching stuff, and I finally decided I better do it now. If there’s a lot of typos and nonsense sentences, it’s because the show I’m watching is more important than writing this (I’m just watching Kpop videos right now and trying to dance). I do not read what I’ve written that’s not what real artists do.
Now that warm weather is here, I really hate turning on the oven, the stove, or my husband because I will burst into literal flames from getting overheated. Breakfast smoothies are always a nice way to start your day. But what if you haven’t gone to the store in a while? What if you have no greens or fruit or whatever the hell people put in those things to make them healthy and a complete “meal?” Well, I’ve got you covered.
You do need to have this stuff on hand, but they won’t go bad in thirty minutes in your humid as hell house. It tastes fine. Remember this is just to get out the door and on with your life.
Mary Ellen’s I Can’t Breakfast Smoothie
1 frozen banana
1 cup unsweetened almond milk
1 tsp maca powder
1 scoop meal replacement powder (see pic above)
1 TBSP almond butter
Blend all this shit together until smooth.
Alright guys I need to go focus on these dances or I’ll never be able to challenge one of these boy bands to a dance off. I read somewhere that dancing is 75% confidence, 20% cute outfits, and 5% abs.
Remember how I said I was worried my boyfriend was going gluten free? Well don’t worry, I decided to disregard his dietary restrictions and make these cinnamon rolls. And now he’s no longer interested in being GF. Don’t look at me like that, I’m a good person. It’s not like he has Celiac’s or anything (probably).
Anyway, my new goal in life is to stop eating vegetables and eat only sugar. My biggest hurdle so far is the horrific GI distress that ensues after eating all the pastries and then I turn back to my horrible, disgusting salad eating habit. I know, I know. I’m working on it. I’m kidding of course about the all-sugar diet. This weekend I ate a strict diet of Chipotle and frozen food from Costco. I’m the picture of health.
Anyway, to work on my #healthfoodgoals I used half whole wheat flour here. All whole wheat is too much, but you can get away with half without worrying that you accidentally had some fiber with your breakfast.
3/4 cup flour
¾ whole wheat flour
2 tsp sugar
1 tsp baking powder
½ tsp baking soda
¼ tsp salt
2/3 c unsweetened almond milk (or, like, regular milk)
1 tsp apple cider vinegar
6 tbsp melted butter, divided
½ cup brown sugar
2 tsp cinnamon
For the glaze
About 2 tbsp each: melted butter, brown sugar, and unsweetened almond milk
Preheat oven to 375°
Spray a muffin pan with oil
Combine the flour, white sugar, baking soda and powder, and salt in a large bowl.
In a smaller bowl, mix the almond milk, vinegar, and 4 tbsp butter.
Add the milk mixture to the flower mixture
Roll out with a lot of flour on the counter (seriously, use a shitload of flour or you’ll cry when your dough is stuck to the counter).
Mix the melted butter with the brown sugar and the cinnamon and then smear all over the dough.
Roll it up, then cut into 8 or 9 even pieces. Place each piece in a muffin slot. Honestly, this would probably work with just a regular cookie sheet, but give them a little room to expand.
Bake for about 15 minutes
Make glaze by melting together more butter, brown sugar, and almond milk. Glaze cinnamon rolls.
Try not to eat too many salads in between your cinnamon rolls
Yes I know. I’ve been cooking. Honestly, a person can only get so much therapeutic benefits from an Irish health smoothie before they have to clean up their life. That person might be me.
This week’s recipe is one that even Serafina’s vegetarian ass can get behind. It’s healthy, wholesome (unlike your mom), meat and dairy free, and also guilt free, so you can shove all these things in everyone’s faces at the next family get together. There’s no reason Easter also can’t be a holiday that families fight about food ethics. We can do better. Insert your jabs about Trump’s policies on deporting all vegetables from his plate, or how Bernie wouldn’t be such a commie if he’s stop enslaving cows. There you go, I provided topics for next year to get past all that awkward “weather” talk.
I was inspired to create these recipes to try and get my toddler to eat something with nutritional value. It didn’t work on him, but it did work on my husband so it’s a soft win. This also satisfies both team sweet and savory at the breakfast table.
For the Hash:
1-2 lbs yellow potatoes, diced
1 red bell pepper, diced
1 can of chickpeas, drained and rinsed
2 cloves of garlic, minced
1/2 sweet onion, diced
1 TBSP olive oil
1/2 cup nutritional yeast
1 TBSP fresh dill
Herbamare to taste
Heat olive oil on medium heat. Add the potatoes, pepper, garlic, and onion to the pan and sauté until the potatoes are fork tender. Mash up the chickpeas and add to the pan, as well as the nutritional yeast and dill, and cook until the chickpeas are heated. Season to taste. Burn a little bit to the pan.
For the Pancakes:
1 cup raw buckwheat groats, ground to a powder
1/2 cup whole wheat flour (I used King Arthur)
2 tsp baking powder
Pinch of salt
1 3/4 – 2 cups unsweetened almond milk
2 tsp vanilla
2 TBSP maple syrup
Whisk the dry ingredients together in a big bowl. Add the wet ingredients and whisk until smooth. You don’t need to whisk wet separately, and you need the batter smooth, no clumps. Let it rest for a few minutes before you griddle it up.
I don’t know how to end this post, but I want to go eat pudding now, so I’ll just do it awkwardly.
You guys, I have some rough news. You see, Mary Ellen and I have been friends for a long time, and I watched her go through the horrors of not eating gluten for YEARS before she ate some bread and was like “oh fuck yeah, this shit’s the best!” Well, my dearest, darling-est boyfriend is now talking about going GF. It’s literally killing me. You read that right, it isn’t figuratively killing me, it’s very literal. Because gluten is life’s antivenom (I guess the venom part is just normal life. Too dark?)
Anyway, I try to be supportive every now and then, so I made a quiche without the delicious gluten-y crust. And then I put broccoli in it, which he doesn’t eat anyway. He wasn’t happy. But the good news here is that my chickens are laying eggs more frequently since it’s getting closer to spring, so I had an abundance of eggs. My chickens are such good girls. At least they still eat gluten with me.
1 large or two small heads of broccoli, chopped into small florets
About ½ cup cheese (or if you hate going to the store, 5-6 slices of cheese chopped into small pieces)
½ cup unsweetened almond milk or regular milk
Small amount onion powder
Salt and pepper
Preheat oven to 400
Heat oil and onion powder in cast iron skillet (or another oven safe skillet) and add broccoli. Cover and let steam/simmer for a few minutes until bright green and just a little soft
Beat eggs with milk, add a little pepper and salt, then stir in cheese
Pour egg mixture over broccoli and even out where your massive chunks of sliced cheese went if that is a problem
Cook for about 10-15 minutes, checking frequently. It’s done when the middle is just set
Let it sit for a few minutes before serving.
May you all find something with gluten to eat very soon
I’m going to try something different with you guys today. Instead of my usual fool-proof recipe that I provide you so that you can finally learn to cook and stop disappointing your family, I’m going to walk you through a cautionary tale about juice.
In a misguided “it’s still early in 2018 so I should try to eat healthy or something” attempt, I decided to make juice without a juicer. You see, juicers are probably expensive, and I don’t really like juice that much. So I never got around to buying one. I also never got married, so I only have kitchen appliances that I decided to purchase with legal currency or received as a hand-me-down. Anyway, no juicer. And I thought I didn’t care about juicing until I found several recipes for a beet-carrot-apple-ginger juice that’s made in a blender. Let’s start with the recipe and then we’ll get to the cautionary tale part…
Beet (peel it and cut it into some pieces so your blender doesn’t explode or something)
Apple (same instructions as above, but less important because apples aren’t as hard as beets)
1” chunk of peeled ginger
Throw it all in the blender with about ½ cup water or other juice (I used water, why would I be making juice if I already had juice?)
Dump into a sieve over a bowl and wait for it to drip out
Ok, now that the nitty gritty is out of the way, let’s talk about why you should never make juice with a blender, especially this juice.
First of all, the blender handled the task pretty well and didn’t explode, so that went fine. I was really busy trying not to stain my clothes as I dumped the “juice” pulp into a sieve/bowl so I didn’t get any pictures of that step. Luckily for you, as I have mentioned previously, I am a certified courtroom illustrator, so I can recreate the scene for you with ease and accuracy.
Now, as the juice is dripping into the bowl at mind-bogglingly slow pace, you might think that it smells really fresh and that you’re excited to drink it. Don’t get your hopes up. After the first round of straining, mine was still SUPER chunky, so I had to strain it a second time with a finer sieve. All told, I spent like 15 minutes mushing around pulp before I got about 200ml juice.
At this point, I figured this juice had to be fucking mind blowingly amazing or no one would have ever wasted their time with it in the first place. So, I took my first sip, and it was kinda ok. Then I took my second sip, and I thought it was kind of interesting, and warming with the ginger juice. And then when I took my third sip, I audibly gagged and had to try really hard not to vomit in the kitchen.
After that shock wore off, I thought it through and realized that I was just having an uncontrollable gag reflex and horribly unpleasant warm feeling in my stomach because of the ginger juice. No biggie. So I did what any good girlfriend would do, I brought the juice to my boyfriend and made him try it. He didn’t describe wanting to vomit, but he reported feeling repulsed before passing on a second sip.
So I was now faced with a dilemma, I had about half the awful juice left but I had put so much work into it I couldn’t bear to waste it. After deliberating for about 20 minutes, I decided that I had no choice. I gulped the rest of it down, which was a deeply regrettable decision.
You know, after all of that I’m actually having trouble deciding if this was a cautionary tale or a strong endorsement. Let’s do a Pro/Con list, those always help:
Your kitchen sink will make you feel like Dexter when you are cleaning up
You will feel very healthful prior to drinking this juice
Your blender probably won’t explode
You can give your chickens some beet greens, which they LOVE!
If the Dexter part really resonated, you can cover your hands in the leftover pulp and pretend that you murdered your boyfriend for a few seconds until it gets just a little bit too dark or he walks in on you and looks like he might call the cops
You will most likely vomit upon drinking the juice, or at the very least experience severe nausea
Your kitchen will be very messy and beet juice stains everything
You will most definitely get a beet juice stain on your favorite sweatshirt, no matter how careful you are
You might develop a taste aversion to all of the ingredients in the juice as a result of drinking it
If you end up keeping the juice down, all of the bodily excretions you have over the next several hours to days will “bleed” red because of the beet juice (wait, should this be on the pro list?)
You know what? We’re tied! 5 pros, 5 cons! I guess I’ll just leave it up to you to decide if you want to make this fancy blender juice!