More Egg Rice 

I’m sorry that I’ve been MIA for a long while. I was sick, died, ressurected, and then I’ve been busy coming up with the perfect playlist for working out. I love making playlists for everything because they are the modern form of mix tapes, which I used to actually make for people all the time, because I was adorable/a creepy nerd. Have a crush? Let them know with a heartfelt compilation of emotional Hanson songs. I continued this tradition even with the advent of CDs, and even went so far as to make a “I’m sorry we broke up, I want to be friends, but I also still want to have sex with you/I will stalk you every day until you love me” mix. When CDs died, I ran to iTunes, and now I’m resting comfortably with Spotify. 
Since I’ve been so busy making playlists, I hardly have time to cook, clean, or have foresight in general. Actually, I don’t think I even made dinner for my husband last night. I think I had a bowl of cereal, I wonder what he had? 

I eat sweet potatoes sometimes as meals. This was painstakingly made by wrapping in foil and throwing it into the oven, where I forgot about it because I didn’t set a timer. Luckily, it turned out well for me.

I go back and forth on the egg thing. I love eggs most of the time, but then I need like, several months of a break. I make a lot of egg scrambles with whatever ingredients I have on hand. This recipe, however, was inspired by a dish at a local ramen spot near my house. A true gem of a place. We went with friends, and it took a couple of hours to get all our food, which was fine since they brought out my sake and I didn’t care about the rest. After like 90 minutes of still missing half our order, I walked up to one of the dudes walking around, and politely informed him that we were still missing our dishes, and like, wondered if they were going to get them for us. He didn’t speak English, and ran away. He was scared of me the rest of the night. 
Anyway, one of our friends and Annie both ordered vegetable fried rice, and they brought out rice with egg in it, and no vegetables. I was jealous. 
This recipe is not fried rice. I’m too lazy for that.  
Egg Scramble with Rice (adapted from a local ramen joint with communication issues)

Ingredients: 

  • 2 eggs
  • 1 cup frozen vegetables of your choice 
  • Cheese (optional) 
  • 1/2 TBSP butter or oil
  • 1/2 cup cooked rice of your choice
  • Soy sauce 

Directions:

Heat butter or oil in a pan at medium heat and add vegetables. Cook until heated through and add cheese (if you want) until it melts. 

Today I used peppers and corn that was genetically modified to taste like carrots. It counts as an extra vegetable.

Scramble the eggs in a bowl and pour into pan. 

Serafina would just eat it at this stage because she doesn’t even have time to cook her eggs.

Prepare a bowl of rice and drizzle soy sauce in it and mix it in. Top it with the scramble and eat it while silently wishing you were eating cookies for lunch instead. 

Not cookies, but I guess it works.

That’s all for this week. If you would like your own personalized mixtape from Mary Ellen, send an inquiry through the Contact Page and a representative will be with you within 1-12 days. 
Scrambles are just free spirited omelettes. 
Mary Ellen 

Whole Wheat Banana Bread

(Or how to cope with talking to your neighbors)

Sometimes when you’re a grown up you have to talk to your neighbors. It’s awful because they’re people, and even though you put up a privacy fence a little while ago, before the fence was up, they probably saw you running around your yard with matted hair and at least one boob hanging out.

Anyway, I had to talk to one of my neighbors today, and about 20 minutes after I was back in the safety of my own home, I realized that I smelled terrible. I make my own deodorant, but sometimes the natural diy stuff just doesn’t help with the horrible anxiety sweat that you get from having to talk to a human person.

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They say build bridges not fences, but did a bridge ever stop your neighbors from calling the cops when you’re running around drunk and topless? I didn’t think so.

Fortunately, I learned that hand sanitizer makes wonderful deodorant spray that actually works. I’ve tried to make my own version, but it always just smells like rubbing alcohol. I’m not sure what the commercial armpit spray people do differently, but I don’t care enough to bother looking.

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We were supposed to get paid for endorsing this product, but Mary Ellen was pretty tipsy when she was negotiating and we ended up having to pay them.

Why is a banana bread recipe following this daring tale of bravery and armpit spray, you ask? Well, not everything is about you, and sometimes I want to make some goddamn banana bread.

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I may not have fancy place mats like Mary Ellen, but I do have a stove top that I rarely clean.

Whole Wheat Banana Bread

Adapted from Cookie and Kate

Ingredients:

1/3 cup melted coconut oil or olive oil

½ cup honey

2 eggs

2 fairly large ripe bananas

1 tbsp. molasses

½ c unsweetened almond milk or water

1 tsp baking soda

1 tsp vanilla

1 ½ tsp cinnamon

½ tsp salt

1 ¾ c brown spelt flower or whole wheat flower

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The mysterious jar is vanilla extract. And by that, I mean, vanilla beans and booze.

Instructions:

Preheat oven to 325° and grease a 9×5 loaf pan

Smash bananas

Whisk oil, honey, eggs, bananas, vanilla, molasses, and almond milk in a large bowl.

In a medium bowl, whisk flour, salt, cinnamon, and baking soda.

Pour the dry ingredients into the wet ingredients and mix to combine

Pour the batter into the prepared loaf pan and bake for about 55-65 minutes. Watch closely the last 10 minutes or so. It’s done when a toothpick or skewer comes out clean.

I’ve heard it’s best to wait until the loaf cools before you start cutting and eating slices, but I’ve literally never tried.

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I couldn’t even wait until I took a picture to cut a slice, but there were no negative consequences to my decision.

Do you best to eat at least one slice nude in your backyard.

-Serafina

 

Doughnuts

M.E. and I have an ongoing “polite discussion” about the spelling of this heavenly, breakfast-appropriate dessert. I have no plans on conceding.

January is a time for us to take an honest look at our lives, to evaluate our health and habits. I’ve therefore decided that 2017 needs more doughnuts. A lot more doughnuts. On the days that I remember my digestive weakness (AKA lactose intolerance), I go out of my way to make my own treats. It’s mostly altruistic, because when I don’t avoid dairy properly it’s pretty unpleasant for anyone in my immediate vicinity.

I’m lazy and I also don’t like putting my appendages near hot bubbling oils, so I was delighted to discover baked doughnut pans. I have them in two sizes. When you make a pan of mini doughnuts, you’re allowed to eat the whole dozen. It’s part of the deal.

I should also mention that I don’t always clean off my counter when I cook or bake. I just unceremoniously shove things out of the way. I’ll try to work on cropping my photos better so you don’t notice.

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Technically, I took this picture to show off my new chicken matryoshka measuring cups.

Mini doughnuts take much less batter than the big ones. It’s hard to say how much they take because halfway through any recipe I stop measuring and start eating batter. We’re lucky we got any baked doughnuts at all. The larger sized doughnuts were somewhat of an afterthought. My mini doughnut pan took way less batter than I thought, so I used the rest in my big doughnut pan but didn’t bother greasing it.

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I managed to get one intact larger doughnut. Grease your pans, kids.

I made just a few adaptations to this recipe from Joy the Baker.

Makes about 12 mini doughnuts and 4 or 5 regular ones (or just 6 regular doughnuts if you can’t handle more than one size of doughnut)

Ingredients

  • 1 c flour
  • ¾ teaspoon baking powder
  • ¼ teaspoon baking soda
  • ½ teaspoon salt
  • ½ teaspoon nutmeg (freshly grated really does make a difference)
  • 1/3 cup sugar
  • 3 tablespoon browned butter
  • 1 egg (large)
  • ½ cup buttermilk (I use almond milk with about a teaspoon of vinegar, left to rest for a minute or two to curdle)
  • 2 tsp vanilla (half for the doughnuts, half for the frosting)
  • 1 ½ c powdered sugar
  • 4 tbsp cocoa powder
  • 3-4 tbsp milk (again, I used almond milk)
  • Pinch salt
  • Sprinkles

Directions

Preheat oven to 350°F

Grease your doughnut pans (unless you don’t want to eat torn apart doughnuts dipped in frosting)

Combine flour, baking powder and soda, sugar, salt, and nutmeg.

Melt butter. To see instructions on how to brown butter, you can google it or click this handy link (which was at the top of my google search)

Transfer browned butter into a bowl. Add the egg, almond “buttermilk,” and vanilla. Mix and then add in flower and mix until well combined.

Either spoon or pipette the batter in to the prepared doughnut pan(s). I dumped my batter in a plastic bag, cut the tip, and oozed the batter into the pan. It worked well for me. Aim to fill the pans about 2/3 of the way. If you overfill them, they’ll will lose the hole in the middle when they rise.

Bake for 8-10 minutes, they are done when a toothpick comes out clean. Cool in the pan for a little bit before inverting onto a cooling rack.

Make the frosting by whisking together the remaining butter, powdered sugar, cocoa powder, vanilla, and milk. Add milk slowly to get the consistency dip-able.

Dip each doughnut in the frosting. Allow frosting to harden briefly or risk getting chocolate all over your arms.

I recommend sprinkles for the full doughnut effect. I went with naturally colored sprinkles, which was obviously a mistake. I trust you will make a better decision than I did.

Belgian Waffles for Lunch

Do not pour syrup out of the original container. That’s disgusting.

Hello, and welcome to the first blog post. As I hope you’ll glean from this, and all future posts, this is a tongue and cheek, not so family friendly, family, food, and lifestyle blog. 
We are two ladies, who are sometimes friends, usually frienemies, most of the time arch enemies, and the occasional star-crossed lovers. I am Mary Ellen, you will meet Serafina next week. If you want more intimate, salacious details about us, go to the “Meet the Authors” page. So, let’s get to blogging, shall we?

Make sure the dough is lumpy. Lovely waffle lumps are the best.

I love waffles. I never knew how much I loved waffles until I got a waffle iron this Christmas, and knew I needed to make every waffle recipe I could find. I’m opportunistic like that. But today, I decided to keep it simple with a traditional Belgian waffle. Since I’m not one to try and reinvent the wheel, I got the recipe from Taste of Home. But even that recipe is basically the same as all the other ones I’ve found online. Just keep it simple. 

I’ve been making this particular recipe for the past several weeks on the weekends in lieu of pancakes, and it’s really perfect. Chewy, and crispy, and fluffy. I plan on making it for some friends that are coming over for brunch in a few weeks because even their children should like this recipe. 

Mother fucker. I can never pour the right amount of batter.

This recipe makes about 5-6 large waffles, so it’s really only a recipe for one person, maybe two if you make a lot of other food and both people aren’t that hungry. Use maths on the recipe to account for more than one person. I usually serve bacon with this recipe, and I strongly suggest not deviating from that. Serafina would like you to think otherwise, but she’s a liar. You need breakfast meats on the weekend, because otherwise you get anemic. Serafina is super anemic. 

You deserved so much more, bacon. Like, a better photographer.

Simple Belgian Waffles (adapted from Taste of Home)

Ingredients: 

  • 2 cups flour
  • 3/4 cups sugar 
  • 3 1/2 teaspoons baking powder
  • 2 eggs, separated 
  • 1 1/2 cups milk (I used almond milk, like a hippie, and it tastes fine. My other preferred is whole milk)
  • 1 cup (2 sticks) melted butter
  • 1 teaspoon vanilla extract 
  • Toppings of your choice

Directions:

Whisk the dry ingredients together in large bowl. Separate eggs, beat the whites to stiff peaks (I use my stand mixer) and thoroughly mix the remaining wet ingredients (please make sure you don’t cook the egg yolks with hot butter…). Combine the wet into the dry, don’t overstir. Fold in egg whites. Batter should be lumpy. Cook up on a preheated, greased waffle iron. 
I meant to take sexy pictures of eating, and pouring syrup, etc, but I just shoved the waffles into my face immediately because it was an hour past my lunch time and I was starving. Also, my 6 month old baby was timing me. He makes me eat everything in around 5 minutes or he will throw a fit. But don’t think for one second I didn’t dust that shit with powdered sugar, because I did. I also burned my perfectly fried bacon because I started taking pictures of other things with the camera. I still ate it, so I’m good on the anemia part.