Fried Rice

Friends, I wanted to talk to you about fried rice today. I have a wonderful story about how I learned to cook fried rice from an Asian lady I met while camping in the Pacific Northwest (we were searching for Bigfoot). But, I just can’t go into that right now. I’m too distracted by my very meaningful research.

You see, I recently started learning about carrots, and it ended up being a bit of a rabbit hole. Did just miss an opportunity for a pun? Shit. Sorry, I’m off my game. I’ve just been so distracted by carrot history that I failed one of my classes and I forgot to feed my boyfriend for a whole week (some how he survived off of Doritos and a bag of beef jerky he found).

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I’m so sorry there aren’t more carrots in this picture

Did you know that there is a virtual carrot museum? I was actually really disappointed to learn it wasn’t a brick and mortar museum because I would have traveled to see it. It talks all about the history of carrots. My new goal in life is to get everyone to change the standard color of carrots again, just to honor me.

Anyway, this fried rice has tons of carrots in it, and it’s also the perfect food. It’s what I make when I go camping and also any other time I’m hungry and there is rice around.

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I also used zucchini since I had one. Zucchini is probably not an authentic addition to fried rice

Ingredients

About 2 cups of cooked rice

About 1 cup of veggies (carrots and peas are a good place to start)

3 eggs

Toasted sesame oil

Coconut aminos (or tamari)

Vegetable oil

Garlic powder

Salt and pepper

Hot sauce

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It’s ok if some of the peas and carrots end up in the eggs. No one will yell at you. Probably.

Instructions for making fried rice while camping (you can adjust these to use in your kitchen if you’re cooking indoors because it’s like fall or something)

Start by heating some oil and garlic powder in a cast iron skillet. Add your veggies and sauté until they are mostly done, then push all the veggies to the side of the pan. Crack all three eggs into the pan and scramble them with a spatula. If you are making this at home, you can try to cook your eggs without burning the shit out of them. If you are using a camp stove, just go with the lowest possible setting, I found that my lowest setting was “extra high.” Once the eggs are mostly done, add the rice, sesame oil, and coconut aminos. Cook until everything is thoroughly heated. Adjust seasonings to taste. Add hot sauce.

If you are camping, serve on plastic plates with sporks, but don’t forget to arrange attractively.

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You can hardly tell I wasn’t camping because I used a spork and a camping cup.

Kumbaya, my future purple carrot farmers…

Serafina

 

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Carrot Soup: Ode to Serafina

It was 1969 and a hot summer somewhere in west Texas. Serafina and I worked at a topless bar off the highway. I know what you’re thinking and no, they would not allow us to be one of the topless performers. We had to be fully dressed waitresses.

It was our dream to perform, but seeing as how we were the only employees forced to keep all our clothes on, it seemed like our dreams would never be realized.

Also, we hated each other. Serafina was always stealing my tables and tips and flirting with my customers. One particular night, as I was bringing table 4 our house special, Kicked up Kowboy Kale (I should also mention that our bar was the number one rated vegetarian topless bar for over five decades), she was sitting in my best customer’s, Seth’s, lap! And I was sweet on him!

Anyway, this kind of went on for the entirety of our employment there, which was only around four months. We didn’t become friends until our last night there. Oh, what a faithful night that was! The bar’s most famous dancer, Seitani, had a severe allergic reaction to some radish pasties, and was rushed to the hospital, right before she was to go on!

Serafina and I locked eyes, and rushed to the stage. There was no music, but we rhythmically (we each had a different rhythm) removed our clothes, trying to outdo one another. The audience booed, but we pushed on. The bouncer tried to catch us, but we darted out of his grip! Finally, in what could be considered the bravest, most spectacular move I’ve ever seen in my life (I still get emotional and teary thinking of it), Serafina ripped her pants off, revealing a rainbow vajazzle. It caught the light from the stage spotlight, and blinded everyone in the bar. The light was so miraculous that it acted as sort of a North Star to weary travelers, and before we knew it, her current lover walked in bearing gifts of cats (she accepted his romantic proposal DESPITE the cats).

We were fired immediately, but I was so in awe of Serafina, and realized she wasn’t just any part time, fully dressed, topless vegetarian bar waitress. She was my guru.

So now our readers know the short form history of how we met, here is a recipe that is dedicated from me to Serafina.

I made this soup at 8am wearing a baby, because I didn’t think I was quite enough of a crunchy granola mom.


Carrot Apple Ginger Soup (adapted from Oh She Glows who adapted it from Joy the Baker)

Ingredients:

1 TBSP olive oil

1 sweet onion

2 garlic cloves, finely chopped

2 TBSP grated ginger*

1 apple

1.5 lbs carrots, fresh from the garden you should have

4 cups vegetable broth

Pinch of nutmeg

1/2 teaspoon sea salt

Ground pepper to taste

Directions:

Prep your vegetables and set them aside. If you hate chopping veggies as much as I do, rejoice! You don’t need to be perfect because you’re going to purée this shit in the end.

Except I’m perfect. See, I did this perfectly.
Just seeing this picture sends me into a rage. I fucking hate chopping and peeling vegetables.
 
Using a large pot, heat your oil over medium low heat, and add your onions. Cook until translucent. Add your garlic and ginger, and cook for a few minutes. Finally, add your apples and carrots and cook for a few minutes longer (I usually wait until I can kind of smell the apple cooking).

Add the vegetable broth, and your seasonings and bring to a boil. Reduce the heat and let simmer for 20 minutes.

Use this time to clean up, and make sure your home is in tip top shape. Remember, cleanliness is next to godliness! Or, you can do what I did, brush your teeth and take pictures of your dogs.
 
When all your vegetables are tender, use an immersion blender and blend until smooth (or the texture you like), or, you can do what I did, and transfer it to a blender in batches, spilling carrot water all over the dogs along the way. Either works.
Serve with crackers, a baguette, or my favorite, warm quinoa (yeah I’m that asshole).
Remember to drink your calories,

Mary Ellen

*fuck grating fresh ginger. This was such a pain in the ass and now I have like a pound of ginger left because they only sell them in 20 lbs increments. Just get the jarred ginger.