Have a Great ValenTIME with These Valentime’s Day Waffles

Ah, Valentime’s Day. It’s the time in which we celebrate the birth of one of the greatest lovers of all time, Saint Valen. Side note: his name is where we get the word “valor” so this just goes to show how important this day really is. (Source: Your Mom)

Anyway, Eggplanters, you know I live a very private life. I only share the intimate details of my life with my cam subscribers, so revealing this all to you is very hard for me.

Annie is gone.

I lost Annie some time ago (not really sure when because I just realized he was gone like a month ago) in the basement. I didn’t really want to go looking for him, because I was worried I’d encounter spiders. Dead or alive, spiders scare me.

So I remarried, and his name is Greg O. Gregerson.

He’s important so he’s on his phone a lot.

I know what you’re thinking and YES I totally think he’s the spitting image of sexiest man alive, Paul Giamatti.

Anyway, for our first VDay together, I made the most romantic food you can make anyone: waffles. I know you all probably need a good waffle in your life after Serafina misappropriated meat culture last week.

This recipe used a base outline from Joy the Baker’s Blueberry Sour Cream Waffles in her brunch book (Eggs Over Easy) which you can buy here. But I made them healthier, and then I made them way less healthy than the original recipe.

Ingredients:
– 1 1/2 cups white whole wheat flour
– 2 tsp baking powder
– 1/2 tsp baking soda
– 1/2 tsp salt
– 3 Tbsp granulated sugar
– 1/3 cup butter, melted, then cooled to room temp
– 2 large eggs
– 2 tsp vanilla extract
– 1 cup plain Greek yogurt
– 1/4 milk (I used almond but you can use anything
– 1 cup white chocolate morsels
– 1 cup strawberry chia seed jam (I used the recipe from Oh She Glows, but used vanilla extract powder) – make sure it’s cold or at room temp or you’ll cook the eggs
– Chocolate ganache, whipped cream, jam, whatever, for serving.

Make your own fucking jam, it’s the bomb, takes 15 mins, and it tastes way better than anything in your fridge, I promise.

Directions:

  1. Whisk all the dry ingredients together in a large bowl.
  2. Whisk the wet ingredients together in a separate bowl.
  3. Combine the forces of wet and dry, but don’t over mix or you’ll create a wormhole.
  4. Fold in the white chocolate chips, and then swirl in the cooled jam.
I made vegan ganache with dairy free chocolate chips and coconut cream and it was amazing.

5. Turn on your waffle maker and let the batter rest while you’re waiting for it to heat. Also, follow your waffle maker’s instructions on whether to spray or not to spray.

The batter should be thick and smell like a strawberry shortcake doll.

6. Drop in 1/4 cup amounts into the maker and wait for the magic to happen.

I used a plate with a flower because I thought it would be more festive.

So there you have it. Eat all the carbs this VDay. Also, check out our mukbang videos over on our Instagram page.

Only fools rush into eating waffles without whipped cream.

-Mary Ellen


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Mary Ellen’s Fitness Regimen for Mind and Body Wellness but Mostly for a Hot Body

I originally planned on baking a cake for today’s post, but then realized I was two cake pans short of what I needed. Since I live in the Arctic now, I didn’t want to leave the house to get more pans. Then, I decided to post a smoothie recipe. However, Serafina clearly is spying on me and posted one before I could, and I can only appear to copy her for so long before my fans turn against me. THEN I was going to just make a post about toast BUT WOULDN’T YOU KNOW I RAN OUT OF TOAST. So here we are. 

You’re in luck because I LOVE talking about myself and my body and can’t wait to force you to look at pictures of me working out. 

Listen, the only reason for exercise is to be hot, no matter what anyone tells you. Otherwise, you’d just walk around and eat healthy. But that doesn’t make you hawt. Let’s get haute together. How many more ways can I spell haht before someone stops me?! 

The Early Bird Gets the Worm, and Booty Gains

Also make sure you get beauty sleep. At least 13 hours.

Listen, I’m not going to sugar coat this. You’re going to have to wake up to work out. And the ones that succeed in their fitness goals wake up suuuuper early. As much as I hate doing so, I drag my ass out of bed before 11:45AM. IS IT EVEN LIGHT OUT AT THAT TIME?!

Hangovers, amirite?

Hydrate and Fill Your Body with Nutrients to Carry You Through the Workout

I apologize, normally I use a cream-based infuser (it is breakfast, after all!), but I ran out.

It doesn’t have to be a huge meal, in fact I generally opt for nutrient-infused coffee. Almost like on the Keto diet, but with a slight buzz.

Cardio

Running past all the haters.

Cardio is the worst, since I can’t bend my legs very well, but it’s necessary to combat the fat. I recommend running in heels for an extra boost to your calves and booty. I’m pretty sure this is how Hilaria Baldwin works out. Probably won’t fuck up your feet.

Weight Lifting

The “2” is how many hundreds I lift 😎

I know, it seems weird that I, such a delicate flower of womanhood, would even want to lift weights. I do it because I look better in a bikini. There might be other health benefits, such as stuff with your bones and shit, but meh.

Calisthenics 

One-handed, bitches!

This is what I like to call “floor work.” Push-ups, ab stuff, planks, etc. It’s boring.

Yoga

This move is called, “fabulous wench.” Can’t remember the name in Sanskrit.

I fucking hate yoga, I’m just going to put that out there right now. I have no patience or attention span, but this helps with seducing people. Also, yoga pants.

So there you have it, Eggplanters. I hope this helps you get a little bit closer to being half as hot as I am.

Now pick yourself up by your bra straps and pump it up.
Mary Ellen

Regarding Cheesecakegate

Few things invoke a strong, authentic emotional response from me, but one of those things is cheesecake.  To my absolute shock, Serafina wrote a hit piece on cheesecake to choke out the year 2018’s final breaths.  

Because of her, what I’m hoping was drunken, nonsense, we got about 40,000 angry emails from readers, most of which listed recipes about how to cook Serafina into a cheesecake.  I read them all until I got very, very hungry. Listen, at least 70% of those recipes sounded tasty, and our readers are clearly more skilled at making food than us, but the responses were a bit over the top (not unlike reducing Serafina with some seasonal berries to make a glaze). 

Dear Eggplanters, I understand your pain, because I, too, felt it.  You see, our tandem baking journey started out with cheesecake.

I’ll wait while you gather yourselves.

It’s true.  We made a cheesecake together.  A New York style cheesecake.  It was the hardest thing I had ever done in my life at that point, which just really shows how great I was at avoiding any sort of conflict.  I vividly remember calling her up on my hot pink Razr flip phone and asking her what creme fraiche was.  She didn’t know either, and since I guess this was before the internet, she had to consult a baking book index.  

But our story was just beginning.

As I was preparing myself to make this cheesecake, I was again confused by the instructions.  What was a stiff peak? I thought innocently to myself.  I called Serafina.

“Isn’t that what you call the ending to your stripping act?”

Of course it was!  But how did that relate to cheesecake?  Do I strip for the cheesecake?  Is the cheesecake into girls?

Anyway, Serafina ended up just coming over and we sexily made the cheesecake.  You can fill in the details with what you deem sexy, I don’t judge and we’re pretty easy.  But now when I think of it, she did not eat any of the cheesecake.  My whole world has been shattered with lies!

Ha ha just kidding.  That’s actually the foundation of my world!

So yeah I made the cheesecake again.

When it’s cracked like that, it means it’s artisanal.

New York Style Cheesecake (adapted from Nigella Lawson’s How to be a Domestic Goddess)

Ingredients:

(for the crust)
1. 1 cup plus 2 tablespoons graham crackers, crushed to crumbs
2. 1/2 cup plus 2 tablespoons unsalted butter, melted
3. 3/4 cup plus 3 tablespoons sugar
4. 9 inch springform pan

(for the cake)
1. 2 tablespoons of cornstarch
2. 1 1/2 lbs cream cheese
3. 6 large eggs, separated
4. 2 teaspoons vanilla extract
5. 1/2 cup plus 2 tablespoons heavy cream
6. 1/2 cup plus 2 tablespoons sour cream
7. 1/2 teaspoon salt
8. Zest of 1 lemon
9. Confectioners sugar for dusting

I’m pretty sure this is the original pan from 10 years ago. Hasn’t been used since.

Directions:

As you can see from the ingredients list, there is no creme fraiche, so I’m not sure what I was doing in the original story, besides rambling. I also forgot to take pictures of the process, so there will just be a slew of sexy cheesecake pictures.

The original directions didn’t describe how to get the cake off the pan base. It’s a delicate cake. I need instructions, Nigella! Anyway, I left it on and it’s part of the cake now.

1. Combine the graham crackers, melted butter, and 3 tablespoons of sugar and press into the base of the pan. Put in the fridge to set while you make up the rest of the cake.
2. Preheat the oven to 325 degrees.
3. In a large bowl, whisk the sugar and cornstarch together.
4. Add the cream cheese, egg yolks, and vanilla, and beat well. I recommend a stand mixer because it’s gonna get messy.
5. Slowly beat in the creams – see, it would be nice to have a stand mixer here. Wrangling a housemate also works.
6. Add salt and lemon zest.
7. You think you’re done, but remember those egg whites? Yeah, you need to whip those to stiff peaks. I did mine by hand because I wanted to know if I could. I look like this now:

Yeah, bet you didn’t see a Lady in the Water reference coming!

8. Fold the egg whites carefully into the cheese mixture.
9. Scoop it all onto the chilled base and put it in the oven for 1-1 1/2 hours. I’d recommend putting it on a baking sheet because 100% chance the butter will leak everywhere. Don’t open the oven to look at it. Leave it be, it wants privacy.
10. Turn off the oven and let it sit in there with its thoughts for another 2 hours. Don’t open the oven! It doesn’t want you to catch it doing… whatever it’s doing.
11. Take it out, and let it sit for another hour before chilling it.
12. Dust it with sugar, and smash it into your face. Unless you’re Serafina.

Look at that fluffy face.

We stripped for the cheesecake just to be safe, and it was, in fact, into girls.

-Mary Ellen