Friends! I was going to spend an unreasonable amount of time ranting and also show off my new hobby of making naturally leavened bread, but instead I got a puppy. You see, I’m always competing with Mary Ellen, and when she decided to replace her husband with a new model, I decided to get rid of my boyfriend and get a dog. Wait, the boyfriend might still be here…
Yep, just checked and his xbox is still in the living room. Maybe I didn’t get rid of him and he just went to work. You know, it really doesn’t matter. He can be here or not. The point is that I got a dog. And found a new recipe for vegan cake because immediately before getting my dog I was house-sitting, out of eggs, and in dire need of cake. So this is the vanilla version of my vegan chocolate cake. If you go with cupcakes, and not, like, an actual cake, don’t try to shove all the batter into 12 cupcakes. They’ll all overflow and you’ll hate yourself. Go with 14 and put some water in the empty cupcake spots. It’s a pain in the ass but it’s worth it.
I’m also a fancy person who decided to put raspberry filling in my cake. I looked up how Martha Stewart did it and used her method. You don’t have to be as fancy as Martha Stewart and me. But I will judge you if you choose to omit the filling.
1 3/4 cups flour
1 teaspoon baking soda
1/2 teaspoon salt
1 cup sugar
1/3 cup oil
2 teaspoons vanilla
1 teaspoon vinegar
1 cup water
Butter (vegan if you’re keeping
Small amount of vanilla
A few splashes almond milk
Makes 14 cupcakes or one 9-inch round/8-inch square cake.
Whisk all dry ingredients together
Make 3 wells in the dry ingredients. Pour oil into one, vinegar into one, and vanilla into one. Pour 1 cup cold water over everything and stir until combined.
Bake at 350 for 20-30 min.
Cut a hole in the top of the cupcake and pull out a small chunk. Save the chunk put in about a teaspoon of raspberry jam then replace the chunk of cupcake and frost. Did I just diligently recipe test the cake for you, give you perfect detailed instructions, and then not even bother giving you rough guidelines for the buttercream frosting? Yes, yes I did.
Can’t stop to think of a witty sign off, my puppy is eating a couch
Ah, Valentime’s Day. It’s the time in which we celebrate the birth of one of the greatest lovers of all time, Saint Valen. Side note: his name is where we get the word “valor” so this just goes to show how important this day really is. (Source: Your Mom)
Anyway, Eggplanters, you know I live a very private life. I only share the intimate details of my life with my cam subscribers, so revealing this all to you is very hard for me.
Annie is gone.
I lost Annie some time ago (not really sure when because I just realized he was gone like a month ago) in the basement. I didn’t really want to go looking for him, because I was worried I’d encounter spiders. Dead or alive, spiders scare me.
So I remarried, and his name is Greg O. Gregerson.
I know what you’re thinking and YES I totally think he’s the spitting image of sexiest man alive, Paul Giamatti.
Anyway, for our first VDay together, I made the most romantic food you can make anyone: waffles. I know you all probably need a good waffle in your life after Serafina misappropriated meat culture last week.
This recipe used a base outline from Joy the Baker’s Blueberry Sour Cream Waffles in her brunch book (Eggs Over Easy) which you can buy here. But I made them healthier, and then I made them way less healthy than the original recipe.
Ingredients: – 1 1/2 cups white whole wheat flour – 2 tsp baking powder – 1/2 tsp baking soda – 1/2 tsp salt – 3 Tbsp granulated sugar – 1/3 cup butter, melted, then cooled to room temp – 2 large eggs – 2 tsp vanilla extract – 1 cup plain Greek yogurt – 1/4 milk (I used almond but you can use anything – 1 cup white chocolate morsels – 1 cup strawberry chia seed jam (I used the recipe from Oh She Glows, but used vanilla extract powder) – make sure it’s cold or at room temp or you’ll cook the eggs – Chocolate ganache, whipped cream, jam, whatever, for serving.
Whisk all the dry ingredients together in a large bowl.
Whisk the wet ingredients together in a separate bowl.
Combine the forces of wet and dry, but don’t over mix or you’ll create a wormhole.
Fold in the white chocolate chips, and then swirl in the cooled jam.
5. Turn on your waffle maker and let the batter rest while you’re waiting for it to heat. Also, follow your waffle maker’s instructions on whether to spray or not to spray.
6. Drop in 1/4 cup amounts into the maker and wait for the magic to happen.
So there you have it. Eat all the carbs this VDay. Also, check out our mukbang videos over on our Instagram page.
Only fools rush into eating waffles without whipped cream.
Few things invoke a strong, authentic emotional response from me, but one of those things is cheesecake. To my absolute shock, Serafina wrote a hit piece on cheesecake to choke out the year 2018’s final breaths.
Because of her, what I’m hoping was drunken, nonsense, we got about 40,000 angry emails from readers, most of which listed recipes about how to cook Serafina into a cheesecake. I read them all until I got very, very hungry. Listen, at least 70% of those recipes sounded tasty, and our readers are clearly more skilled at making food than us, but the responses were a bit over the top (not unlike reducing Serafina with some seasonal berries to make a glaze).
Dear Eggplanters, I understand your pain, because I, too, felt it. You see, our tandem baking journey started out with cheesecake.
I’ll wait while you gather yourselves.
It’s true. We made a cheesecake together. A New York style cheesecake. It was the hardest thing I had ever done in my life at that point, which just really shows how great I was at avoiding any sort of conflict. I vividly remember calling her up on my hot pink Razr flip phone and asking her what creme fraiche was. She didn’t know either, and since I guess this was before the internet, she had to consult a baking book index.
But our story was just beginning.
As I was preparing myself to make this cheesecake, I was again confused by the instructions. What was a stiff peak? I thought innocently to myself. I called Serafina.
“Isn’t that what you call the ending to your stripping act?”
Of course it was! But how did that relate to cheesecake? Do I strip for the cheesecake? Is the cheesecake into girls?
Anyway, Serafina ended up just coming over and we sexily made the cheesecake. You can fill in the details with what you deem sexy, I don’t judge and we’re pretty easy. But now when I think of it, she did not eat any of the cheesecake. My whole world has been shattered with lies!
Ha ha just kidding. That’s actually the foundation of my world!
(for the crust) 1. 1 cup plus 2 tablespoons graham crackers, crushed to crumbs 2. 1/2 cup plus 2 tablespoons unsalted butter, melted 3. 3/4 cup plus 3 tablespoons sugar 4. 9 inch springform pan
(for the cake) 1. 2 tablespoons of cornstarch 2. 1 1/2 lbs cream cheese 3. 6 large eggs, separated 4. 2 teaspoons vanilla extract 5. 1/2 cup plus 2 tablespoons heavy cream 6. 1/2 cup plus 2 tablespoons sour cream 7. 1/2 teaspoon salt 8. Zest of 1 lemon 9. Confectioners sugar for dusting
As you can see from the ingredients list, there is no creme fraiche, so I’m not sure what I was doing in the original story, besides rambling. I also forgot to take pictures of the process, so there will just be a slew of sexy cheesecake pictures.
1. Combine the graham crackers, melted butter, and 3 tablespoons of sugar and press into the base of the pan. Put in the fridge to set while you make up the rest of the cake. 2. Preheat the oven to 325 degrees. 3. In a large bowl, whisk the sugar and cornstarch together. 4. Add the cream cheese, egg yolks, and vanilla, and beat well. I recommend a stand mixer because it’s gonna get messy. 5. Slowly beat in the creams – see, it would be nice to have a stand mixer here. Wrangling a housemate also works. 6. Add salt and lemon zest. 7. You think you’re done, but remember those egg whites? Yeah, you need to whip those to stiff peaks. I did mine by hand because I wanted to know if I could. I look like this now:
8. Fold the egg whites carefully into the cheese mixture. 9. Scoop it all onto the chilled base and put it in the oven for 1-1 1/2 hours. I’d recommend putting it on a baking sheet because 100% chance the butter will leak everywhere. Don’t open the oven to look at it. Leave it be, it wants privacy. 10. Turn off the oven and let it sit in there with its thoughts for another 2 hours. Don’t open the oven! It doesn’t want you to catch it doing… whatever it’s doing. 11. Take it out, and let it sit for another hour before chilling it. 12. Dust it with sugar, and smash it into your face. Unless you’re Serafina.
We stripped for the cheesecake just to be safe, and it was, in fact, into girls.
Alt title: Why I’m the best girlfriend in the world
Alt alt title:How I almost failed out of grad school in the
last week of the program because I was too busy making cheesecakes to care
about my final papers.
First of all, don’t bother making this. It’s a pain in the ass. Sure, maybe your significant other will say something like “this is the best cake I’ve ever had,” which was really sweet. But also, fuck all that, what a goddamn pain in the ass. Second-of-ly, use lactose free cream cheese. It exists. You should use it. It’s better than risking death by flatulence.
I was going to rewrite the recipe here, but I’m far too lazy for that, and the original will probably be more helpful for you, so instead I’ll just give you my recipe notes.
For the chocolate wafer crust:
This is basically a giant cookie. Ignore all of the crazy instructions to make this in a food processor and just make it like a cookie. Mix the wet ingredients. Mix the dry ingredients. Put the two together. It’s not hard. Food processors are dumb and expensive and a pain in the ass to clean (technically, I only have a second-hand mini food processor which isn’t ever big enough to use, but all the other things I said were still true).
If you don’t use a fucking food processor, the dough is soft and crumbly enough to press into the pan, which means there’s no rolling shit out. So, even if you are the kind of person to use a food processor on a regular basis, you’re better off mixing this in a bowl with your arms like humans were meant to.
For the cheesecake:
You actually need to bring your cream cheese to room temperature. It takes like 2 hours. It’s a pain in the ass. It’s another reason not to make this.
I made regular (vanilla) flavor and chocolate flavored cheesecakes. The original recipe was for coffee and chocolate, but my boyfriend thinks coffee flavored things are gross. He’s really picky and doesn’t recognize the true value of putting extra caffeine and coffee flavor in everything.
I was not keen on how the vanilla flavor turned out, but it’s also possible that I just don’t like cheesecake because the only part of the cake I actually liked was the crust.
You know what, let’s get real for a sec. I didn’t like this cake. It turns out I don’t actually like cheesecake. BUT, my boyfriend liked this cake, so the recipe is probably sound. Listen, if you like cheesecake, maybe you should be the one who’s dating my boyfriend. Send us and email and I’ll verify that your other food preferences are compatible, and if so, I’ll just drop him off at your house. He comes with two cats, so I hope you like cheesecake as well as cats.
For the ganache glaze:
I lied about only liking the crust. I also liked the glaze. Glazed wafer cookies would have been good. Next time I’ll just omit the gross cheesecake part.
I didn’t include the corn syrup and my glaze was more of a true ganache which I imagine was better.
Fuuuuuck this was a bitch to cut. I guess read the instructions and try harder than I did to be more successful? I don’t know. It was awful.
The instructions call for freezing to cool the cheesecakes quickly. I didn’t freeze my cheesecakes because my pans don’t fit in my freezer. Maybe things would have been better (at least aesthetically) if they were frozen.
We each ate like one slice and then the rest of the cheesecake went bad in the fridge. So, I’d recommend sending this with your boyfriend to work, taking it to your work, or freezing it in a timely manner. The remains of my cheesecake are currently in my compost bin (don’t worry, it’s municipal compost, so I can put dairy in there, I know you were really worried about that).
I’ve considered making this with non-dairy alternatives, but I don’t know if I should. If it’s bad I won’t be able to tell if it’s because the non-dairy cream cheese sucks or if it’s just bad because cheesecake is kind of gross.
I hope I haven’t offended you cheesecake lovers out there. I really do hope you have a happy life with my boyfriend.
Oh, hey there blog friends. I’m back and functional again after my three-week caffeine bender. It turned out all of those songs I recorded sounded like a better version of Bjork, but the record companies weren’t interested for some reason. Anyway, I backed off my caffeine intake to “moderate” and am here blogging for you again. And it’s just in time for one of the great November holidays, Thanksgiving. If my recollection of history is correct, Thanksgiving was founded by desperate bloggers, fleeing the UK in search of a land where they could freely take photographs of food to post on Instagram.
In the spirit of this holiday, which probably hails back to the early days of the world wide web, I’m bringing you a wonderful recipe for a very traditional dish, the pumpkin pie. I’m presenting it in a miniature version today, as this was a test recipe for a pie that I will be bringing to an IRL Thanksgiving on whatever day that’s supposed to happen. Specifically, I tested this recipe because I made this mistake of mentioning to my kinsfolk that I was thinking of doing a dairy free pumpkin pie this year. Now, my kin have tolerated and supported my vegetarianism, and even a stint as a vegan, this final assault to a beloved dessert was too much for them. So I decided I needed to actually test the recipe to avoid any potential shunning on the most holy of blog holidays. The wonderful news is that unlike some of the other recipes I have brought you, this one turned out well. I used sweetened condensed coconut milk which did not have any notable coconut flavor. I was planning on going with a full vegan pie, but then forgot to adjust the recipe when I was baking, so this has eggs in it.
Filling (makes 12 mini pies or one 9 inch pie):
1 can sweetened condensed coconut milk
1 can pumpkin puree
1 tsp cinnamon
1/2 tsp ground ginger
1/2 tsp ground nutmeg
1/8 tsp ground cloves
Crust (makes two 9 inch round crusts or a dozen 3 inch mini crusts):
2 cups flour
½ cup olive oil
¼ cup cold water
1 tsp salt
Preheat oven to 350°.
Mix flour and salt, then add in olive oil and water. Mix together with a pastry mixer or fork and bring together into a ball.
Roll out to about 1/8 inch thickness. Use about 10x more flour than you think you’ll need because this dough is super sticky and falls apart easily. Actually, you should probably just roll it out between sheets of parchment, but that’s not a thing I ever remember to do.
Oil your muffin pan
Using a 3 inch cookie cutter, cut out 12 rounds and mush into a muffin pan.
Whisk condensed coconut milk, pumpkin, eggs, and spices.
Pour into the muffin tins, leaving a little room at the top. I found that each muffin cup would hold a little less than a ½ cup filling.
Bake for about 40 minutes, but pay attention to it because I don’t use timers so that’s a really rough suggestion. The pie is done when it is mostly firm. I usually check by gently touching the top of one of the pies, if the filling is still wet and loose it needs more time. When it’s done it will just jiggle a little.
Serve with dairy or nondairy whipped cream. I can’t tell you whether or not you should tell your family you fed them non-dairy pie. I don’t plan to tell mine until they’ve already finished the pie and I have a clear exit path, just in case.
The over-stylized photo at the top of the post shows the darker side of vegetarianism. Look what I’ve done to your father, baby pumpkins.
I’ve been obsessed with making baklava since I had a late-night school-induced baklava binge last month. I figured, the ingredients are so simple it must not be hard to make. Most recipes brag that it only takes an hour of prep and then 45 minutes of baking, but they’re all liars. First you have to thaw dough overnight or for up to a full day. And for the prep, I watched exactly three 45 minute shows on Netflix while making this, so it took fucking forever. Also, I brought this to a work potluck, so I basically spent an eternity making a dish and only ate four or five pieces.
Overall, I don’t really recommend that anyone make baklava. Yeah, it’s expensive to buy baklava, but you probably aren’t going to do that very often. Mine was by far the best tasting baklava I’ve ever had, and I’m still probably never making this again. But, if you are under house arrest and someone is willing to get the ingredients for you, it might be worth it.
1.5 pounds of nuts (I used a mix of almonds and pistachios)
1 tsp cinnamon
1 cup sugar
Juice of ½ a lemon
1 cup water
½ cup honey
Thaw filo dough for 8-24 hours in the fridge and then take out about an hour before you’re ready to start making baklava
Make syrup first so it has a chance to cool. Boil water, honey, sugar, and lemon juice for about 4 minutes and then set aside to cool.
Melt butter and then butter the sides of a 9×13 pan.
Pulse nuts in food processor until they are coarsely ground, then stir together with cinnamon.
Set up a fairly large workspace (you actually need to clean your kitchen before you make baklava or you’ll end up yelling a lot, which will make your baklava taste angry).
Trim filo dough to about 9×13 or 9×14.
To butter the filo dough, I found that it was best to drip a lot of butter on the dough and then brush it around a little. It doesn’t have to be perfect. You don’t want to miss an important part of the show you’re watching since doing this without a distraction would be boring.
Buttering every other sheet, place 10 sheets of filo on the bottom of the pan. Then add a thin layer of nut mixture (about ¾ cup). From there, alternate 5 sheets of filo (buttering every other sheet) with ¾ cup nuts. When you are out of nuts, end with 10 sheets of filo on the top, but butter every sheet so these stick together better. Cut the baklava before baking either in squares or diagonals. Use a very sharp knife because it is easy to fuck up the filo dough. Bake for about 45 minutes, then immediately pour the syrup over the baklava. It sizzles in a very satisfying manner. Cool uncovered for several hours or overnight. Cut again before serving.
I can’t tell you what to do with your life, but if you have like three hours to dedicate to making baklava, you should probably re-evaluate your priorities.
Guess what, everyone? I tried to find a recipe for a vegan chocolate sheet cake last week (I was low on eggs and had to bring cake to a barbecue). I could not find any vegan sheet cake recipes. What the fuck? Is this because vegans don’t have enough friends to bother with sheet cake? No offense, vegans. But maybe if you used some butter you’d have more friends. #realtalk #sorrynotsorry
Anyhoo, I ended up making a few slight adaptations to a vegan chocolate layer cake recipe that I have used for years. It turned out marvelously, and thanks to a butter-filled frosting, everyone wanted to be my friend.
This works as a layer cake with two 9in cake pans, or it could also make 24 cupcakes. I found this handy baking time chart for all you type A vegans looking to make friends with cake.
I really wanted to do another doughnut recipe because I was inspired by Mary Ellen’s last post, but I didn’t have time. When you’re preparing for a Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman final exam, there isn’t much time for doughnuts (The exam is basically driving out to a farm and then doing practical multitasking midwifery while you pull babies out of cows, humans, goats, etc. The people and animals that live on a farm are always pregnant, so as long as you drive with your preceptor, it doesn’t matter which farm you go to).
Anyway, a couple of weeks ago, I made these cookies. I froze more than half the dough in dough balls, and then ate all the cookies and all frozen dough within a few hours. It was very nice.
This isn’t one of those horrible recipes that expects you to have your butter softened or rest the dough in the fridge for 8 years. This recipe knows you, and knows that if there is softened butter in your kitchen, it’s probably been sitting unnoticed for at least a year. Year old butter doesn’t tend to yield tasty cookies, and you deserve tasty cookies.
It also doesn’t have any stupid shit about only using an egg yolk. My chickens work hard laying eggs and I’m not about to let anything go to waste (they’d find out and probably peck my eyes out)
I started a sugar-elimination diet the same morning I decided to make these cookies. I didn’t have processed sugar in my system for at least six hours, which was probably the most important aspect of this cookie success. By the time the dough was done, I had nearly collapsed from lack of sugar. These cookies literally saved my life.
Whisk flour, baking soda, and salt together in a medium bowl
Cream sugars and melted butter, then whisk in eggs and vanilla. Add the flour mixture and mix with a wooden spoon to combine. Stir in the chocolate chips. Don’t bother chilling your dough and gallantly drop dough balls onto the baking sheet. Bake for about 10-12 minutes, watching closely. Transfer cookies to a wire cooling rack. If you’re baking all of your cookie dough, just keep on keeping on. If you are freezing some of it, let the baking sheet cool. Then, fill the baking sheet with balls of dough and stick in the freezer for 30 minutes-1 hour. Once relatively frozen, cookie dough balls can go into freezer bags, waiting patiently for the day that they will be eaten.