Things my Boyfriend Won’t Eat (Broccoli Rabe Pasta)

If you’ve been following our blog for awhile, or at least have skimmed the bios, you probably know that I’m not a lesbian. I know, I know, it’s a big disappointment. But, here we are. Not only does my man/boy friend not have lady parts, he’s also an avid meat eater and hater of veggies. I’m not sure how we live in the same house.

At one point, I started trying to increase the amount of home cooked and healthy meals we ate, so I started a collection of recipes that he will actually eat. It’s in a folder on my desktop titled “togetherness meals” and one of the documents is actually a list of things he won’t eat, because it was easier for me to think of that than things he was willing to eat. I included an excerpt below

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Spoiler alert: this pot of greens is on the list!

Things Serafina’s man-friend won’t eat

“Foot Cheese” (apparently the only cheeses that don’t smell like feet are mild cheddar and mozzarella)

Calciferous vegetables

Squash or other gourds

Tomatoes

Eggplant

Anything with a weird texture

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I had trouble not eating the parm immediately after grating it because people who aren’t romantically involved with me generally prefer cheeses with flavor.

Anyway, to celebrate an alone evening I had last weekend, I made all of my man-friend’s least favorite foods (don’t worry, he wasn’t sleeping in a tent outside because we had another vegetable fight, he was just visiting his dad).

 

Broccoli Rabe (AKA Rapini) Pasta, adapted from Smitten Kitchen

Ingredients

½ lb pasta

½ bunch broccoli rabe (I don’t know how else to quantify this, maybe like a full handful?)

Olive oil

Garlic powder

Juice of about ½ a lemon

Salt and pepper to taste

Parmesan

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You’re not required to clean your sink before draining the pasta, but you will get bragging rights if you use a clean colander.

Instructions

Cut broccoli rabe into bite sized pieces, with the larger stems removed.

Cook pasta half way and then add in the broccoli rabe.

Cook until pasta is al dente and broccoli rabe is mostly soft, then drain.

In the same pan, sauté garlic powder (or real garlic if you’re the sort of person who keeps that on hand) in the olive oil for a minute or so to bring out the flavors. Add the pasta and a healthy squeeze of lemon juice. Mix to coat.

Cover with copious amounts of parmesan.

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The ideal pasta to greens ratio is 1:1, and the ideal wine glass will hold about half a bottle of wine (don’t worry, I got a refill shortly after taking this photo)

Mac and Cheese

A couple weeks ago, both my boyfriend and I both had bronchitis. We were sick as hell and all of our communication was reduced to grunting and gesturing. Neither of us bathed for like three days. It was nice. Right before I got really sick, I realized we had no food in the house, so I bravely put on pants and went to the store to get essentials. I got like 10 cans of soup, a couple apples, and ingredients for Mac and Cheese.

Mac and cheese More cheese
I didn’t buy enough cheese, so I supplemented with some sliced muenster, which by some miracle, wasn’t already moldy.

I’ve mentioned it a few times, but my body doesn’t get along with dairy products super well. For that reason, I only ever use almond milk or coconut milk. But I can’t give up butter and cheese, even if it means that in addition to coughing up my lungs, I was crop dusting the hell out of my boyfriend for like three days. Cheese and butter are worth his suffering. I’m a true romantic.

Recipe adapted from food.com

Ingredients

8 oz pasta (I used penne but there’s nothing wrong with elbow macaroni)

½ stick of butter

¼ cup flour

Salt and Pepper

2 cups milk (I used unsweetened almond milk)

2 cups shredded cheese

Mac and Cheese Cheesy Sauce
When you are getting sick, you don’t bother to clean your stove top before taking pictures.

Directions

Cook pasta and drain.

Melt the butter and whisk in flour to make a rue. Let sit over medium heat for a couple minutes, add salt and pepper, then add milk and mix well. Slowly add cheese and mix until it is melted. Add pasta to sauce. Add more salt and pepper to taste.

Serve with salad if you feel like your body is begging for nutrients.

Mac and cheese plate
Salad and wine magically turn everything into a healthy meal, even if you’re lactose intolerant and just ate a pound of cheese

I regret that I don’t keep the ingredients for this recipe on hand, but whenever I make it, I have other regrets. Is this the circle of life?

Serafina

 

Time Management

Hello again, beloved readers. I’m here to talk to you today about a topic which is important to everyone: time management. You may not know this yet, but in addition to writing an inspiring and profound post for you every other week, I also work part time and sort of go to grad school. So, I’m highly qualified to talk to you about how you’re managing your time wrong.

Tonight, I have a paper due at midnight. Tomorrow, I have a practical exam during which I will either pass or fail my class. Most people would be tempted to study, or write their paper, but that would be a fatal mistake. You see, it’s not procrastination if I don’t start writing my paper. If I put off writing it and then start it at the last minute, I would be the poster child for procrastination. But I’m not going to do that, because I have a plan. I’m not going to tell you what my plan is, because that would be basically spoon feeding you time management skills, and I’m not here to do that. It’s like that parable of the one guy feeding the hungry stupid guy a fish. I can’t just give you a time management fish, I must catch you, the time management fish, and then devour you while looking into your dead little fish eyes.

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I took this picture while my man friend was trying to catch a fish awhile back. He didn’t catch anything because no one taught him about time management.

I’m sure you understand, just as I did when I learned that parable.

Anyway, after a long day of school, I like to come home and fix myself a proper dinner. Being short on time is no excuse to short your body the nutrients it deserves.

For this meal, I decided to provide myself with inspiration so I can focus on what matters in my life right now, which is planting a plum tree in my back yard this fall.

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Using jam with the word “fancy” in it increases the quality of your dining experience. It’s been empirically proven.

Crackers with Almond Butter and Jam

Ingredients:

Crackers

Almond butter

Jam

Instructions:

Place crackers attractively on a plate

Using a plastic spoon (or regular spoon if unlike me you have available clean silverware in your home) drop a dollop of almond butter on each cracker. Then drop a dollop of jam next to the almond butter, but still on the cracker (it’s important to ensure BOTH ingredients are on the cracker).

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See how attractively arranged the crackers are? It’s ok if yours don’t look as nice.

Place cracker in mouth and then eat.

If your mouth gets dry or the almond butter sticks to the roof of your mouth, you should try drinking a beverage. I went with beer, which worked well.

XOXOX

Serafina