Yes I know. I’ve been cooking. Honestly, a person can only get so much therapeutic benefits from an Irish health smoothie before they have to clean up their life. That person might be me.
This week’s recipe is one that even Serafina’s vegetarian ass can get behind. It’s healthy, wholesome (unlike your mom), meat and dairy free, and also guilt free, so you can shove all these things in everyone’s faces at the next family get together. There’s no reason Easter also can’t be a holiday that families fight about food ethics. We can do better. Insert your jabs about Trump’s policies on deporting all vegetables from his plate, or how Bernie wouldn’t be such a commie if he’s stop enslaving cows. There you go, I provided topics for next year to get past all that awkward “weather” talk.
I was inspired to create these recipes to try and get my toddler to eat something with nutritional value. It didn’t work on him, but it did work on my husband so it’s a soft win. This also satisfies both team sweet and savory at the breakfast table.
For the Hash:
1-2 lbs yellow potatoes, diced
1 red bell pepper, diced
1 can of chickpeas, drained and rinsed
2 cloves of garlic, minced
1/2 sweet onion, diced
1 TBSP olive oil
1/2 cup nutritional yeast
1 TBSP fresh dill
Herbamare to taste
Heat olive oil on medium heat. Add the potatoes, pepper, garlic, and onion to the pan and sauté until the potatoes are fork tender. Mash up the chickpeas and add to the pan, as well as the nutritional yeast and dill, and cook until the chickpeas are heated. Season to taste. Burn a little bit to the pan.
For the Pancakes:
1 cup raw buckwheat groats, ground to a powder
1/2 cup whole wheat flour (I used King Arthur)
2 tsp baking powder
Pinch of salt
1 3/4 – 2 cups unsweetened almond milk
2 tsp vanilla
2 TBSP maple syrup
Whisk the dry ingredients together in a big bowl. Add the wet ingredients and whisk until smooth. You don’t need to whisk wet separately, and you need the batter smooth, no clumps. Let it rest for a few minutes before you griddle it up.
I don’t know how to end this post, but I want to go eat pudding now, so I’ll just do it awkwardly.
In case you didn’t notice, no one posted last week. That’s because I chose to ignore Serafina’s last post and decided she had another week scheduled and this was actually my scheduled week. So in reality, I’m not late. That’s how that works.
I’ve been battling a baby cold since last week (I got it from my baby), so I’m hopped up on cold meds. It just doesn’t make my pristine body feel great, you know? I had originally planned for a “real” recipe this week (just kidding, you should know better), but I opted for this miracle smoothie instead, in case anyone out there is also battling ailments, and wants to take a natural approach to their health. Some people wonder why I don’t cook anymore and come up with more edible recipes, and usually I just tell my husband to shut up and if he wants something edible he can go out and buy it himself. This is an example of proper marital communication.
Can you still call it a smoothie if you don’t use a blender? Yes, you fucking can. The health community makes up all sorts of shit, so why can’t we?
This recipe was handed down to me by my ancient Irish relatives that were hiding out in Scotland because they were caught running a grifting scam.
Mary McEllen’s Irish Breakfast Smoothie for the Sick
Add your Emergen-C to your properly poured Guinness (you could also use a different Irish stout, but I don’t know how effective it would be). Drink it with breakfast, or with your morning coffee.
You will pretty immediately feel the effects. You’re welcome.
Pinch me for not wearing green and you’ll get an Irish kisser to the face,
As the title of this blog clearly shows, today’s post has been thoughtfully planned out with as much care as I generally give to writing on this blog.
I have spent the better part of the week eating a healthy diet of fast food, balanced with nutritious donuts and cookies. My skin has a definitive glow, that isn’t powdered sugar glistening in the sun. I ate a bag of donuts for dinner.
Since I clearly have adulting down to a science, I decided to end my day reflecting on my life with a pot of tea. It’s been a long week, full of excitement and drama but mostly just poop. I just wanted to take pictures of my new tea set, but I guess I’ll come up with a bullshit list of life-changing bullet points so you know how to frame your own life. I’m feeling generous, and drunk with an oversized ego right now.
Q-Tips can’t be used in your ears.
I read an article about it, and it was incredibly bitchy and pushy about the whole thing. Why did I buy Q-Tips in bulk at Costco then? WTF do you need them for? The article said they’re good for makeup but if you’re using cotton swabs for makeup application then I need to talk to you because something has gone wrong. They’re wasteful, unless you need to dispose of earwax.
Look the gift horse in the mouth.
And you fucking take a long ass look at it’s mouth. I’ve been given a lot of dead horses and honestly I’m tired of writing thank you cards for long expired horses.
Drake’s real name is Aubrey.
And he’s the greatest musical genius of the last seven generations.
What’s Weird Al up to?
I’m just curious. How’s he doing?
Sometimes, we all need a moment to unwind and really meditate on the important things in life. It’s how we keep stress at bay, and our pores clear. It’s called “self care” or “treat yo’self” or whatever. It’s also important to coin a bunch of terms and phrases for things to justify doing things like drinking tea and showering. If you are showering regularly, that’s called self care, not basic hygiene. It means you’ve decided to put down all your stressors and self care yourself. Other things that you can do for self care, in case you need another list: drink water, eat food, sleep, get dressed, walk, talk to friends, and pet a dog, just to name a few. I hope you were able to get all the self care you needed through my tea pictures today, though. You can save that shower for tomorrow now. Answer those emails with ease, baby.
Remember it doesn’t count if you don’t post about it on social media. Bonus points for videos and selfies. Pics or it didn’t happen, bitches.
I’m going to try something different with you guys today. Instead of my usual fool-proof recipe that I provide you so that you can finally learn to cook and stop disappointing your family, I’m going to walk you through a cautionary tale about juice.
In a misguided “it’s still early in 2018 so I should try to eat healthy or something” attempt, I decided to make juice without a juicer. You see, juicers are probably expensive, and I don’t really like juice that much. So I never got around to buying one. I also never got married, so I only have kitchen appliances that I decided to purchase with legal currency or received as a hand-me-down. Anyway, no juicer. And I thought I didn’t care about juicing until I found several recipes for a beet-carrot-apple-ginger juice that’s made in a blender. Let’s start with the recipe and then we’ll get to the cautionary tale part…
Beet (peel it and cut it into some pieces so your blender doesn’t explode or something)
Apple (same instructions as above, but less important because apples aren’t as hard as beets)
1” chunk of peeled ginger
Throw it all in the blender with about ½ cup water or other juice (I used water, why would I be making juice if I already had juice?)
Dump into a sieve over a bowl and wait for it to drip out
Ok, now that the nitty gritty is out of the way, let’s talk about why you should never make juice with a blender, especially this juice.
First of all, the blender handled the task pretty well and didn’t explode, so that went fine. I was really busy trying not to stain my clothes as I dumped the “juice” pulp into a sieve/bowl so I didn’t get any pictures of that step. Luckily for you, as I have mentioned previously, I am a certified courtroom illustrator, so I can recreate the scene for you with ease and accuracy.
Now, as the juice is dripping into the bowl at mind-bogglingly slow pace, you might think that it smells really fresh and that you’re excited to drink it. Don’t get your hopes up. After the first round of straining, mine was still SUPER chunky, so I had to strain it a second time with a finer sieve. All told, I spent like 15 minutes mushing around pulp before I got about 200ml juice.
At this point, I figured this juice had to be fucking mind blowingly amazing or no one would have ever wasted their time with it in the first place. So, I took my first sip, and it was kinda ok. Then I took my second sip, and I thought it was kind of interesting, and warming with the ginger juice. And then when I took my third sip, I audibly gagged and had to try really hard not to vomit in the kitchen.
After that shock wore off, I thought it through and realized that I was just having an uncontrollable gag reflex and horribly unpleasant warm feeling in my stomach because of the ginger juice. No biggie. So I did what any good girlfriend would do, I brought the juice to my boyfriend and made him try it. He didn’t describe wanting to vomit, but he reported feeling repulsed before passing on a second sip.
So I was now faced with a dilemma, I had about half the awful juice left but I had put so much work into it I couldn’t bear to waste it. After deliberating for about 20 minutes, I decided that I had no choice. I gulped the rest of it down, which was a deeply regrettable decision.
You know, after all of that I’m actually having trouble deciding if this was a cautionary tale or a strong endorsement. Let’s do a Pro/Con list, those always help:
Your kitchen sink will make you feel like Dexter when you are cleaning up
You will feel very healthful prior to drinking this juice
Your blender probably won’t explode
You can give your chickens some beet greens, which they LOVE!
If the Dexter part really resonated, you can cover your hands in the leftover pulp and pretend that you murdered your boyfriend for a few seconds until it gets just a little bit too dark or he walks in on you and looks like he might call the cops
You will most likely vomit upon drinking the juice, or at the very least experience severe nausea
Your kitchen will be very messy and beet juice stains everything
You will most definitely get a beet juice stain on your favorite sweatshirt, no matter how careful you are
You might develop a taste aversion to all of the ingredients in the juice as a result of drinking it
If you end up keeping the juice down, all of the bodily excretions you have over the next several hours to days will “bleed” red because of the beet juice (wait, should this be on the pro list?)
You know what? We’re tied! 5 pros, 5 cons! I guess I’ll just leave it up to you to decide if you want to make this fancy blender juice!
I’m not gonna lie, I wasn’t prepared for this week. Chalk it up to me coming down with the man flu or something. Also, it’s cold as hell where I live, but no snow (figure out where I live, you weather snoopers!). Also, I hate the expression “cold as hell” because I thought hell was hot, so am I being ironic and it’s not actually cold here? Even I don’t know, so I guess I can go ahead and wear shorts today.
I have been beyond unmotivated these last 20 years, and I doubt that will change in the next 20, loveliest readers. However, I’m dusting off my nice camera and picking up some more projects after the holidays, which means I’ll be putting those off and writing on here instead. Count yourselves lucky because you’ll be getting some quality content from me.
That day isn’t today though.
However, to keep things festive, I used sweet potatoes. I eat these a lot because I tell myself they are healthier than regular potatoes, which I also eat, but I’ll never tell you about it.
This recipe is easy, kind of healthy, vaguely filling, and vegan, so you can have all the bragging rights of every other asshole health nut out there that is bothering you to eat healthy.
Mary Ellen’s Sweet Potato Fiesta!
(This feeds two people)
2 baked sweet potatoes
1 can of black beans, drained and rinsed
1/2 cup preferred salsa
1/2 teaspoon cumin
1/2 teaspoon coriander
Cut sweet potatoes in half long ways and slice up the insides to break it open. Heat the rinsed beans until hot in the microwave and add the other ingredients. Spoon on potatoes. Enjoy the rest of your night or go to bed early.
When life gets stressful, it’s important to manage your health and nutrition. I recently started working from home more often. Not actually working from home, per se, but I’m home more often so I can focus on my rigorous studies, training to be the next Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman. When you don’t have coworkers around you and small, measurable workplace goals, it’s harder to keep yourself motivated and on task.
I’ve found that a well-timed, healthful snack is extremely important in my home productivity. It’s essential to ensure your snacks have whole grains and protein, which is why I swapped out half of the flour for whole wheat and kept the eggs in this recipe for cookie dough.
I like to have my first snack of the morning with coffee, after I’ve watched a few episodes of Dr. Quinn, taking detailed notes.
By mid-afternoon, I find that my energy levels are subsiding, so I make sure to have some healthful green tea (full of antioxidants and just a little jolt of caffeine), along with some sensible whole grains and protein
Now, by the time evening rolls around, I start to really drag. I’m going to be honest, every now and then I get an intense sugar craving, but sugar is so bad for you! So, I usually drink some sparkling water with a nice snack, chock full of fiber, protein, and healthy fats!
[Note to readers: Mary Ellen is not a doctor, but she plays several on TV. She played both Trapper John and Hawkeye Pierce on the hit TV series M*A*S*H, so, it goes without saying, she’s an expert. Take everything she says like gospel]
Everyone that knows me knows that I’m the pinnacle of health and fitness. My body, being perfect by any standard, has reached the end of the fitness journey. Health nirvana, you could say.
So, I decided to let you in on my secrets. That’s right. I’m just giving them away, FOR FREE. Fuck you, Dr. Oz.
1. Fad Diet
Do all the fad diets. All of them. Because it’s difficult to pick just one sometimes, you can do them at the same time. This keeps your body constantly in fear of what you might do to it, so it burns fat faster as well as sculpting your glutes. Be careful about being ahead of trends, because while it might gain traction and be popular, contributing to an extra 30% more beneficial outcome, you lose -7 points if the trend falls on its face.
2. Update on social media
This almost goes without saying, but it’s a scientific fact that you burn 70% less calories when you don’t post your workouts online. In addition, if you don’t post your healthy meals online, you gain three pounds. However, if you post your unhealthy meals online with a self depricating joke about how you’re going to “totally be super fat after eating this” than it cuts the calories, as well as saturated fats by more than half. If you’re doing a cleanse, juicing or otherwise, or doing a diet that markets itself like a meathead challenge, you better post before and after pictures, as well as every single day you do it. Make sure you tell everyone you have more energy, despite not drinking coffee during it.
3. Add workout regimens to Pinterest
It doesn’t really matter if you do them or not, what matters is that you are looking at them. Bonus burn if you change the descriptions because it’s weird when you don’t.
4. Wear athletic gear out
This is especially important if you’re at a coffee shop or doughnut shop (see, Serafina, I’m fucking conforming to your impossibly high spelling standards!). Generally, I’m always a little sweaty and worn out from the restful night I had baby wrangling, so I look authentic. Jogging in place also helps, as well as aggressively (but friendly) giving your order to the attendant. Take up space, puff out your chest, because you earned this, baby. When you do this, it acts as a barrier to the fatty ingredients and helps the sugar shoot directly into your bloodstream, giving you unlimited energy for tens of minutes.
And that’s it. Being fit has never been easier.
Now go out and get that dream butt you’ve always wanted.