The Creative Process (BTS Eggplant Magic)

Before I get into my totally non-bullshit post today, I would like to dispute Serafina’s lies from her last post.  I’m an expert at being self-righteous, so listen to me.  I didn’t read whatever book she was talking about, and I never will because I don’t even read this blog, but I can say with total confidence that you don’t need to grow your own shit to feel better than everyone.

 

It’s called Farmer’s Markets + Instagram.

 

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Thank god for stock photos so I don’t have to leave my house.

 

I’ve sung Instagram’s praises before, but really, I can even make myself jealous on that platform with my own past posts.  Sometimes, I even think my life is amazing.

 

Just take some pictures at the market and brag on IG that at least YOU support local businesses.

 

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You can later then put spices in a spoon messily and pretend you’re going to bake, like I do. THE BEST PART OF BAKING IS THE MESS RIGHT?

 

Don’t have a Farmer’s Market?  Snap a pic at your local grocery store/gas station.  It’s all about angles, bitch.

 

This might be a good time to start my planned post.  It was totally planned! It’s not because I take a lot of food pictures but don’t actually write down recipes! *laughs nervously*

 

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My research into how to repurpose my gaming food into healthy family meals.

 

I’ve been thinking a lot about food blogger pictures, and how they basically all look the same.  Brightly lit, sharp focus, appetizing colors, etc.  But you know, Serafina and I are ACTUAL artists and believe art should be organic, like what your food should be (eyes judgingly).  We let our food speak to us.

 

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For instance, these muffins said, “lay us here among the mismatched placemats and make sure you get the flowers in the shot.”

 

Sometimes, at least for me, my food is being an asshole and won’t talk.

 

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I’ve taken a lot of photography classes in my life and I don’t fucking know how to make dal look even remotely appetizing in a picture.

 

I recently discovered Foodie, an app that makes my (totally not shitty looking food) talk.

 

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Also, overnight oats.  Look gross, taste only a little gross.

 

Maybe if I spent time staging the food, bringing out my lighting kit, and using my real camera to take pictures, I would have better results.  But since that’s never going to happen, I modify my pictures with filters.

 

OMG I HAVE GMO PICTURES.

 

-Mary Ellen

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Serafina’s flawless skin care regimen

As per usual, I bring you this blog post while procrastinating on a paper that’s due at midnight tonight (protip: it doesn’t count as procrastination if you never start the paper).

Something’s been bugging me lately, and it’s about Mary Ellen. I know, I know, I shouldn’t be coming here to talk shit. But I am, so you can all just deal with it. My problem is that she knows so much about being a girl. So much. She’s always posting things like weird creepy face masks, and I don’t understand it at all. What do the face masks do? Why does she look so scary? How did she trick her husband Annie into also wearing a face mask? Do they put face masks on her baby and dogs? This is just a list of the first few questions I have. Instead of seeking answers to any of my questions, I’m going to assume I’m an expert*** and walk you all through my own “minimalist” skin care regimen.

Step one: Shower every couple of days. More frequently if your armpits smell. But, we’re not focusing on armpit skin care, we’re focusing on face skin care which I think I implied above but didn’t really make it clear until now.

Step two: Once in the shower, ensure that you have some water on your skin. This will be important later

Step three: Wash everything with Dr. Bronner’s. I mean, everything. Face, armpits, hair, butt, feet. You know, everything. Shit, I said I was going to just stick with face skin care and then I went and told you all the other stuff. Oh, well. Now you know the rest of my skin care.

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Also, Dr. Bronner’s provides good reading material if you forgot to bring your phone in the bathroom to take a poop

Step four: if you live in a very dry climate, put some lotion on your skin. I’ve never seen Silence of the Lambs, but I hear that movie comes out in favor of moisturizing.

That’s it! Feel free to ditch all your other skin care stuff, because I don’t know what it is for.

All one!

Serafina

 

***Legal disclaimer: the above advice is not intended to treat, cure, or diagnose any ailments. Serafina Bearafina’s expertise in skin care is merely self proclaimed and she does not actually understand how any skin care products work. She’s not really sure if you should even use soap, TBH. The above advice neither guarantees nor implies that the condition of your skin will improve. Serafina isn’t sure what good skin is, but she probably doesn’t have it. Serafina recently had an infected ingrown hair, and after refusing to seek medical attention, she asked someone to explain exfoliation to her, only to promptly ignore all advice that was given to her.

Building Walls from Your Neighbors

You guys, I’ve really turned over a new leaf with the coming of spring.  I eat an entirely CLEAN diet now, and I must say, I really do feel like I’m better than all of you.  Clean eating really does change your life.  For instance, as I write this post, I’m basking in the natural sunlight of my bay window while munching on veggie straws and drinking elderflower and rose lemonade.  An entirely plant based snack.

 

Today I’d like to talk about how to build more barriers from your neighbors’ prying eyes. Really, the title should be natural barriers, since I’m doing everything natural now.

 

I have giant windows on the front of my house and while it’s great for natural light, I also feel like I live in a fishbowl.  Do you know how awkward it is to make eye contact with your neighbors when they walk by?  I have to smile and wave even though I’m busy vacuuming the house naked.  Sure, I’ve become accustomed to being watched in all my waking hours, and I don’t want to lose all that kinkiness, so that’s why I’m going about this in a complicated way instead of just shutting the blinds.

 

I decided to hang my herb garden in individual pots in front of my kitchen window, so the neighbors will have to work harder to see boob.  I used different pots for each one and rope hangers so I can get that boho chic look.  Remember, if you do it right, the hippie look will be 1000% more expensive than the bullshit country cottage kitchen.

 

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It took a while to find so many different pots, and they basically took up my entire table with dirt for like a week while I decided what to do with them.

I did an herb garden, but I guess you could do flowers.  These get full sunlight for part of the day.  These also came with attached dishes so I don’t get dirt water everywhere.

 

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I made these by hand.  Just kidding, I bought them on Amazon.  If I could buy my soul on Amazon I would, but unfortunately there is no Prime option with it.

Get hangers for the pots.  I used these, because I want to look like I am all natural and shit.

 

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Here’s an artsy shot with shadows and stuff.  It’s also part of the process. 

Get someone to hang them for you.  I guess you could hang them yourselves, but I don’t know why?

 

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Before: full boob view
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After: better lighting and also an obscured boob view

 

Cheers to a room with a boob view,

 

Mary Ellen

Upcycled Wine Cork Garden Markers

OMFG you guys, the vernal equinox has already passed, St. Patrick got drunk and puked on the sidewalk outside my house, and the Easter bunny’s cousin Igor is coming soon! All of this means that it’s TIME TO START GARDENING AGAIN!!! I’m legitimately excited about this and not just shouting because Igor scares me when he breaks in to my house to “exchange” my iPad for a basket of chocolate bunnies.

I live in an area where you can’t start planting the exciting stuff until mid-May, but they already started selling flowers at the garden store, so I’m not waiting any longer. I planted some seeds this weekend, and because I’m all about instant gratification I also planted flowers which will freeze and die almost immediately.

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I have already established that I am the best at planning a garden (protip: plant 3’ tall flower bushes between your step stones, that way you might work up enough of an appetite to want to eat another fucking zucchini).

There are about 4 or 5 million posts about DIY garden markers and MINE IS THE BEST. By saving wine corks and then reusing them, you have an excuse to buy more wine and you look like you’re being environmentally friendly.

 

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I tried to hide the cheapest looking corks so you’d all think I only drink fancy wine.

You will need:

Some wine corks

Paint

Skewers

Maybe a hammer and a nail

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I was so proud of this action shot that I didn’t bother to repeat it with the color I actually ended up using

Instructions

  1. Drink all the wine.
  2. See if you can jam one of your skewers into your cork without stabbing yourself in the hand. If you can’t, grab a thick nail and a hammer. Maybe also grab some padded gloves if you’re not confident about your aim. Nail the nail into a cork and then remove it and insert the skewer into the hole. Repeat with the rest of your skewers.
  3. You can try labeling them without painting first, but it doesn’t look very pretty, so I recommend painting the corks at this point. I took pictures of myself painting them black, but then I repainted them with silver because they were too hard to read with light lettering on a dark background. Go with light paint.
  4. Grab some sharpies or more paint to actually write the labels. I also drew a couple of fucking adorable plant illustrations on the corks because I’m amazing.
  5. Mark your plants as you plant them. Once the plants have been in the ground for  a few weeks, your labels will be obscured, so this whole process will have rendered useless!

Happy Gardening!

Serafina

Time Management (pt. 2)

If you’re anything like us, you’re always looking for ways to increase not only your professional productivity, but your personal productivity as well.  Serafina has touched upon this topic fairly extensively, but this is really an ongoing, and continuously evolving topic.

 

I’m going to share my greatest secret that is basically foolproof on how to better manage your time and increase your productivity.  There are no lists here, because it’s just one thing.

 

It’s called Skyrim.

 

Yes, I’ve mentioned off-handedly before on the miracle of this product, but I decided there needed to be a specific post about how to use it.

 

It’s quite simple, really.

 

Say you have a huge project due the next day, but you’ve been putting it off.  Skyrim. Got people depending on you to pull through on something big?  Skyrim.  Do your children need attention?  Skyrim, but don’t involve them.

 

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I’m a master at time management, this is what genius looks like.

 

I’ve only played this character for two days but look how far I’ve come.  Level 34, bitches.

 

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Master of the thieves guild, enchanted glass bow.  What are YOU doing with your life?

 

Now, if you excuse me, I need to return some fairly angry phone and text messages.  Totally unrelated.

 

Don’t even fucking think about killing Paarthurnax,

 

Mary Ellen

How to Hem Jacket Sleeves

As an Aspiring Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman (that’s a real job you can get, right?), I sometimes have to do things like buy a lab coat for grad school. Obviously I’m not going to med school or anything, but I’m still going to call myself Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman when I graduate.

Before school started, I considered calling Mary Ellen’s husband and just asking if he had a spare lab coat laying around (since I think he might be a scientist or something), but then I remembered a few things about my future lab coat

  1. I had to get the fucker embroidered, which rules out borrowing anything
  2. Despite my beautiful feminine physique, I have super long monkey arms and sleeves are never, ever, long enough.

So, I was left with the sad option of trying on every lab coat in the school bookstore while trying to look really casual since it was orientation day and I didn’t want to be the kind of person who pays too much attention to lab coats. After about 14 coats, it became abundantly clear that our society is maliciously discriminating against tall people. I couldn’t spend much time planning a protest, though, because I still needed to buy a coat and get on with the day. I ended up getting a men’s coat with the intention of popping the arm seams and then re-hemming them, which is precisely what I did when the coat arrived. I then left it on a hanger with loose threads all over the place for many months until I remembered that I need to wear it soon.

Don’t worry, guys. I’m going to break this down into a simple, no-nonsense process. I’m pretty sure this would also work for people with T. rex arms wanting to shorten their sleeves (I’m looking at you, Mary Ellen).

Step one: pop the seam and then pin it with pins in the right place.

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This is actually really hard to do by yourself, but don’t worry, I believe in you.

Step two: Probably iron the sleeves so your hem line doesn’t look like shit.

Step three: Clear off your desk or table so you can get your sewing machine out.

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The 2017 card in the middle of the desk was from Mary Ellen. She either sends out New Years cards really late, or I never clean my desk.

Step four: Remember that there is a thing called “the bobbin” and that you will need the right colored thread on it. Hold back tears.

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Why was there yellow thread in this? When have I ever sewn anything yellow? Where did this sewing machine even come from? Maybe I stole it from someone with a sunny disposition and the theft of the sewing machine crushed their soul. We’ll likely never know.

Step five: Find your sewing machine manual because, without it, you will never remember how to “wind the bobbin” (which is surprisingly not a euphemism).

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If you’ve ever tried to watch youtube tutorials of how to use your sewing machine, you know that you actually need to keep the manual because people are incapable of explaining the whole bobbin situation.

Step six: Actually get your shit together and carefully start sewing. Try to go slowly so the hem doesn’t look too wonky.

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Yes, there is still a nerf gun on the desk. You never know when you’re going to need to protect yourself.

Step seven: Look professional as fuck.

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I put on my best sweat pants to complete the look.

Step eight: (you could probably omit this step) Remember that an older lady you used to work with once advised you to burn loose threads with a lighter so they don’t fray. Proceed to actually burn your newly hemmed coat. Decide to hang it up in the closet with its pretty new scorch mark and pour yourself a glass of wine whiskey.

Knowledge Brings Fear

-Serafina