A Tale of Two Chickens

I forgot to post last week. I have no excuse, because I did the recipes and had all the pictures and most of it written and I just forgot. I’m not sorry. I’ve mostly been busy playing Skyrim so I have a very good excuse.

I went insane at Costco recently and bought a ton of chicken. All sorts of chicken. And then I also decided to get some whole chickens and be like, super amazing with my cooking. But then I just made porridge.

If you’re unaware, you can buy a PACK of two whole organic chickens at Costco. For the people who are on a budget, and love eating chicken all the time, buying it Whole is way more cost effective. Worried it’ll take more time to prepare? Worried that it’s scary? Worried you’ll fuck it all up and you should have just gone with your usual dry-ass chicken breast recipe that you’ve convinced yourself is good enough? Well, unfortunately, your first two worries are probably correct but the last one is not.

Follow me while I take you on a chicken journey.

It all started when I decided I wanted to make dakjuk. I was about to just do a recipe that used all my regular techniques of cutting corners and using store bought, pre-prepped stuff, but then I found this lady. She mentions, subtly, two ways she makes her porridge and I was so intrigued by the prospect of boiling a whole chicken because it sounded so gross I needed to try it.

Oh Costco. I love you so much.

So, a different lady’s blog that I browsed while trying to figure out what boiling chickens was like was a bit of a mental case about it. She acted like it was the most disgusting thing in the world and that she really only does it to save money, etc etc and prayed to Jesus the whole time because it was so hard for her. And I really wanted to hold her close and whisper, “honey, Jesus doesn’t want you to suffer so in His name. Just use gloves, bitch.”

It looks really horrendous because I’m very bad at carefully removing things from pots.

See it’s not so bad.

Anyway, it wasn’t that bad. I mean, I was expecting a lot of bad after reading her post, but it was pleasantly easy and not bad at all. Also, you don’t need a recipe. Throw the chicken in a big pot and boil it with some veggies for an hour. Remove the chicken, debone it, add bones and more water to the pot, and boil for another hour. Strain and you have your stock. It’s easy as shit.

It makes a lot of stock.

So, boiled chicken (when you do it with veggies on the bone with skin) is actually really good. I used this recipe for dakjuk and holy crap it was amazing. Seriously, it will forever replace chicken noodle soup as my sickly comfort food, and it is a nice dish to have to rest my body after a weekend of donut binging. Make like three times more than what the recipe calls for because it won’t be enough.

So what did I do with the other chicken? I roasted it. I’ve never roasted a whole chicken before either, and everyone has a really fancy recipe that makes it intimidating. Through the Korean Bapsang blog I found this recipe.

However, I like to be thorough, so I trussed the chicken like this. It actually did produce a better roast, though I don’t have much to compare it to, except turkey at Thanksgiving, which always cooks unevenly I feel like. Anyway, we ate some of this for dinner one night and then the rest got chopped up and mixed with the leftover boiled chicken and I made the most amazing chicken salad sandwich that I’ve ever had in my entire life. Mmmm chicken chicken chicken.

So there you go. That’s what I’ve been doing lately. Sacrificing chickens left and right while also leveling up as a khajiit in Skyrim is how I’m fulfilling my New Years’ resolutions. I’m sure Serafina is crying and totally traumatized at this point, trying to comfort her chickens because she reads this blog out loud to them and I must admit it was a bit of a hostile post. Don’t worry I’ll post about something less chickeny next time.

No lollygaggin’,

Mary Ellen

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Goodbye, Old-Ass Year

I figured I would make my final recipe post for 2016 – wait – 2017, my most complex one yet.

Okay, I hope you’re all done laughing now. I would never ever ruin a good year of coming up with half-assed recipes with a decent one. I would never ruin things, like Serafina always does. Like when she puts wine into recipes instead of drinking it. I will never understand such monsters.

So if you’re done with the old year and have given up in hopes that somehow changing a ‘7’ to an ‘8’ will somehow make your life better, well, my recipe this week won’t get in the way of that. It’s very self-loathing positive. Also, if you are snowed in or something, it uses very few ingredients, and you may have some lying around, or you can just make something else.

Whatever, I’m already drunk for NYE so I don’t care.

Mary Ellen’s fancy rice recipe

Ingredients:

  • 1 cup cooked brown rice
  • 2 tsp sesame oil
  • 1/2 cup veggie of choice (I used shelled edamame)
  • Salt to taste
  • Hummus as needed (optional)

Directions:

Cook up rice in a rice cooker because who the hell actually makes it on a stove. Steam vegetables, then mix all together with oil and sprinkling of salt. I enjoy mine with hummus, but I bet ranch dressing would also work.

Now go make some drunken mistakes with camera phones this NYE.

Mary Ellen

Baby it’s Cold Outside. Or Warm, Depending on Where You Live I Guess

I’m not gonna lie, I wasn’t prepared for this week. Chalk it up to me coming down with the man flu or something. Also, it’s cold as hell where I live, but no snow (figure out where I live, you weather snoopers!). Also, I hate the expression “cold as hell” because I thought hell was hot, so am I being ironic and it’s not actually cold here? Even I don’t know, so I guess I can go ahead and wear shorts today.

I have been beyond unmotivated these last 20 years, and I doubt that will change in the next 20, loveliest readers. However, I’m dusting off my nice camera and picking up some more projects after the holidays, which means I’ll be putting those off and writing on here instead. Count yourselves lucky because you’ll be getting some quality content from me.

That day isn’t today though.

However, to keep things festive, I used sweet potatoes. I eat these a lot because I tell myself they are healthier than regular potatoes, which I also eat, but I’ll never tell you about it.

This recipe is easy, kind of healthy, vaguely filling, and vegan, so you can have all the bragging rights of every other asshole health nut out there that is bothering you to eat healthy.

Mary Ellen’s Sweet Potato Fiesta!

(This feeds two people)

Ingredients:

  • 2 baked sweet potatoes
  • 1 can of black beans, drained and rinsed
  • 1/2 cup preferred salsa
  • 1/2 teaspoon cumin
  • 1/2 teaspoon coriander

Directions:

Cut sweet potatoes in half long ways and slice up the insides to break it open. Heat the rinsed beans until hot in the microwave and add the other ingredients. Spoon on potatoes. Enjoy the rest of your night or go to bed early.

It looks gross.

It looks gross.

The internets is my bae,

Mary Ellen

Turkey Leftovers and Being Efficient with Your Time

You guys are lucky that Serafina isn’t writing the post-food Christmas blog post. What would she even post about? How to repurpose carrots? How to convince people salads are a meal? No, you all want to know what I did with my butchered animal after we got tired of turkey sandwiches.

I’m not going to lie, I spent a good hour or two online looking for recipes on what to do with the dark meat of turkey. It all involved basically using every cheese and noodle you can find in the store. Don’t get me wrong, I love cheese. I have an unhealthy, lustful, and inappropriate relationship with cheese. But I’m already feeling fat as it is from the copious amounts of butter so I don’t want a cheese casserole sprinkled with turkey.

Psych! I’m using cheese, no need to close out your browser. But I didn’t make a casserole, because I didn’t want to, and I needed something easy and fast so I could go play Skyrim even faster. It’s all about being efficient with your time, so you can go on adventures with your demon horse.

Leftover turkey quesadillas!

Ingredients:

Leftover turkey (or chicken or goose or whatever)

White corn tortillas

Shredded cheese

Cranberry sauce (not the jelly kind, mine was homemade)

Salt and pepper to taste

Directions:

Heat a skillet and layer your quesadilla as follows: tortilla, cheese, cranberry sauce, turkey, cheese, and tortilla. I salt and pepper the outside.

I forgot to take a picture of it done. I’m sorry. I was really focused on Skyrim.

Here’s a picture of my squirrel tea light holders instead:

No lollygaggin’,

Mary Ellen

Sandwich Bread for Drake

Well, I’m back, folks. First and foremost, I would like to address some of the rumors that may have been circulating about me and being kidnapped.

It’s true, I was kidnapped while on vacation. However, there was no ransom pitched, unfortunately, to my husband. I wish I could say that my time with my kidnappers was traumatic, but I quickly moved up the ranks to second in command of what turned out to be a Drake cult. Like, Drake wasn’t a member. Just people that worshipped him like a God, the way God Intended.

We were riding high, baby. If you could just imagine a Gatsby style life, it was like that. Women, cars, money, and wine flowed like wine.

It all came to a crashing halt last week when the feds investigated our poorly executed money laundering scheme that we tried to make using an actual laundromat.

Maybe you’re wondering why I’m not in prison. Maybe not. Maybe you’re thinking, “I came here for a bread recipe, why am I reading about this criminal?” Well, you’re just going to be in for loads of disappointment today. I sung like a canary. I gave the man all he wanted to know, and a lot he didn’t want to know. To reward my rat like persona, I just have to wear an ankle bracelet and stay under house arrest for the next 10 years. I offered to give random urine samples but the DA rejected my offer.

So now, down to bread. I promised if I ever got out of the cult, I would try and perfect bread making. So I tried out the classic sandwich bread recipe from King Arthur’s flour website. Just go there for the recipe and instructions because I’m lazy and phone it in explaining things to others, and bread isn’t forgiving in that way. But I took pictures for you.

Basically, I did the recipe exactly the way it called for, except I substituted half the all purpose flour with King Arthur’s whole wheat flour. To, you know, make it “healthier.”

My very first ball of glutinous bread dough.

My very first ball of glutinous bread dough 💖💖💖

 

I didn’t knead this bread by hand, which I regret. I used a dough hook on my electric mixer and while it was kneading I cleaned up. I hated the proficiency of my high class technology.

Arrrr Arrr! Somber dog lies waiting for her bread feast.

All in all, the bread was delicious, but didn’t turn out quiet the size and shape I wanted. I attribute this to over poofing, and the wheat flour, and maybe the amount of yeast I used. Also, I don’t know how to shape dough, which is apparently a skill, but I’ll YouTube that shit later. Doesn’t matter. I will scarf this down happily and try again. The crust and inside texture was perfect. I’m going for a bread machine recipe next though so I can be lazier. Some of my criminal sources brought me Serafina’s FBI file so I know that it’s her birthday today! She doesn’t look a day over 57, she looks amazing, I tell ya. I’m celebrating your honor by continuing to obsessively make the Fried rice recipe until I die. I eat mine with hummus to make it more self righteous.

 

“Pussy run everything.” – Drake

 

Mary Ellen

Self-care in the Caribbean 

Sorry my post is late, but I am currently in the Caribbean and did not calculate the time change correctly. Plus, I don’t even know what day it is. Ever. 

When I looked into the mirror last week, I was incredibly disappointed in the way I looked. Ugly is too kind a word. I can’t believe Annie hasn’t filed for divorce yet, though he’s been suspiciously googling lawyers lately. 

I’m sorry you are about to see some disturbing photos.

I decided to take a trip to the Caribbean for some self care / #treatyoself time. 

I couldn’t even manage a smile in this picture. My hair lost its sheen, and my skin was terribly broken out that I couldn’t even hide it with makeup.

I left for the red eye immediately.  I didn’t even buy a plane ticket or make plans beforehand, or actually even tell Annie. He will find out if he reads this post because I also forgot my phone and underwear so I bought both at the airport. 

The beach was amazing. It wasn’t a nude beach but I still was naked the entire time.

It wasn’t just the change of scenery that was rejuvenating. My body also needed a cleansing so I make sure to only consume high grade alcohols and I sweat out the toxins when I drunkedly ran the beach trying to find my tour guide. It was spiritual. 

As for my skin? I felt that wearing a charcoal mask for the majority of the time was effective. 

There are toxins in your eyeballs and teeth too, so don’t skimp on the mask in those areas.

All in all, the trip has been a success. I’ll be heading home in about three months I think. 

Maybe it’s just because I brushed my hair but I look amazing now.

Next time I’ll share a healthy recipe to heal your toxic shit body too. 

Me and my tour guide, Nathan.

That guy isn’t Spock, 
Mary Ellen 

I Don’t Know How to Make BibimBap 

But I tried anyway. 

And I’ll do it again! 

I think this dish is trendy around where I used to live, because it was advertised everywhere. I never looked into it until quite recently, when I decided my lazy stir frys were boring and stupid and I just couldn’t handle any more soy sauce rice at that moment. You can tell by how eloquently I speak about food that I’m incredibly cultured, and have tasted the finer things in life. 

I was also inspired by the egg rice battle that I temporarily had with Serafina on the blog, and technically this counts because it has rice and eggs. 

[Warning: I’m talking out of my ass]  Traditionally, this dish can be made to order in a hot stone bowl, which helps cook the raw egg, possibly the raw meat, and it crisps up the rice. I don’t have these materials or skills, so this is the lazy white girl version. If you listen to kpop or watch kdramas while making it, it enhances the flavors and spices and helps compensate around 30% for the fact you’re not a Korean grandmother. 

BibimBap (adapted clunkily from My Korean Kitchen)



Ingredients:

  • Vegetables (I used a combination of fresh and frozen, including a julienned carrot)
  • 4oz ground beef 
  • Meat sauce (from the My Korean Kitchen blog) 
  • Gochujang sauce (from the other blog, seriously, you need to get the recipe there I’m lazy) 
  • Rice (I used brown rice) 
  • A fried egg per person
  • Sesame seeds
  • Seaweed
  • Sesame oil
  • Vinegar (I used rice vinegar) 
  • Rice bran oil
  • Sugar, both brown and regular 
  • Minced garlic (I just used some from a jar) 

Directions: 



I couldn’t find toasted sesame seeds so I toasted some myself, like a homesteader.



Make up the meat sauce and marinate the beef with it while you work. This took my three hours because I got distracted and had to change poopy diapers and do other things equally exciting. Also make up the BibimBap sauce. 

In case you needed to see what gochujang is, because I didn’t know, and my choices are limited in my town.
Legit the first time I’ve used this since I bought it a few years ago.

Prep the vegetables, whatever that might entail. I didn’t do much. I sautéed some frozen stir fry with oil and salt, and julienned a carrot. I did not cook the carrot because I wanted a fresh crunch to the dish. I also sliced up the seaweed. 

Here are vegetables.
The product I used is a Korean product according to the package, making it authentic as hell.

Cook the beef, assemble the bowls with the rice and lay out the vegetables in a pretty way. Top with a fried egg and sprinkle with toasted sesame seeds, and drizzle with the sauce. I did not use raw meat or egg because I’m a coward and I would probably kill myself with food poisoning. 

I do not have bowls appropriate for this dish. I made a huge mess.

 

Maybe it’s because I’m a badass, but I didn’t think the sauce was that spicy, and loved it so much. It was only enough for two people in my opinion. Same with the beef. And I used a ton of vegetables. This is why I’m fat. 

I hope this inspires you to try and create your own BibimBap masterpiece. 

Always read the comment section,
Mary Ellen 

Southern Style Tomato Sandwiches and How to Make Simple Dishes Fancy

I didn’t want to do another Saturday post, but here we are nonetheless. It’s no excuse, but I’ve been busy working on my heavy metal jazz infusion album, which drops this coming week. So, now that that’s out of the way, I should have a much less hectic schedule. 

When I was growing up, my dad used to make us tomato sandwiches for lunch on the weekends. I loved them. I assumed he made them because we were so poor and couldn’t afford ingredients and also that he was lazy. But it turns out, that it was actually a southern thing I was unaware of until recently. 
The recipe is easy: bread, tomato, mayo. That’s it. I’m sure you can figure out how those come together, but I’ll write down the recipe just in case. 

And I’m going to make it fancy and pretentious. 

There are a few simple rules to make any dish fancy. First, add butter. It doesn’t matter what it is, just add a lot of butter to the dish. Second, buy oddly shaped, expensive baked goods with a French name. And finally, make sure you add in at least seven extra steps to your dish to make it more complicated. It doesn’t matter if they’re unnecessary. Just do it. 

Tl;dr – get all ingredients at Whole Foods and speak in a French accent while you cook. 

The traditional recipe calls for Wonder Bread, whatever tomatoes are on sale, and generic fake mayo. We can only go up from here, people. 

Mary Ellen’s Tomato Sandwiches to Make You Feel Sorry for Her Childood:

Bonus: use vegan mayo to give it the extra “in your face” pretentiousness we all crave.

Ingredients:

  • Mayo
  • Heirloom tomatoes
  • Fancy bread
  • Lettuce*****
  • Salt
  • Butter

Directions:

Cut the fancy bread with a chef’s knife because you don’t have a bread knife.



Melt butter in an iron skillet. No, none of this is negotiable. Go out and buy all these things. What? You want to just toast the bread in a toaster? Wtf is wrong with you? You toast the bread in the skillet!

You will become french toast later, my prettys.

Slice some tomato. Apply mayo to bread. Yes, I know, butter AND mayo? Isn’t that too much? Yes, but so what. Lightly salt the tomato with pink Himalayan salt. Lay down some lettuce. Put in mouth. 

This is what a sandwich looks like. Serve with whimsically cubed watermelon.

Make sure to buy my album. I will sign all digital copies, but only if you promise not to sell them on eBay. 

Music is lyfe,

Mary Ellen 

*****Editor’s note: don’t use whatever bullshit lettuce Mary Ellen used. It’s iceberg or bust if you want the satisfying crunch. 

More Egg Rice 

I’m sorry that I’ve been MIA for a long while. I was sick, died, ressurected, and then I’ve been busy coming up with the perfect playlist for working out. I love making playlists for everything because they are the modern form of mix tapes, which I used to actually make for people all the time, because I was adorable/a creepy nerd. Have a crush? Let them know with a heartfelt compilation of emotional Hanson songs. I continued this tradition even with the advent of CDs, and even went so far as to make a “I’m sorry we broke up, I want to be friends, but I also still want to have sex with you/I will stalk you every day until you love me” mix. When CDs died, I ran to iTunes, and now I’m resting comfortably with Spotify. 
Since I’ve been so busy making playlists, I hardly have time to cook, clean, or have foresight in general. Actually, I don’t think I even made dinner for my husband last night. I think I had a bowl of cereal, I wonder what he had? 

I eat sweet potatoes sometimes as meals. This was painstakingly made by wrapping in foil and throwing it into the oven, where I forgot about it because I didn’t set a timer. Luckily, it turned out well for me.

I go back and forth on the egg thing. I love eggs most of the time, but then I need like, several months of a break. I make a lot of egg scrambles with whatever ingredients I have on hand. This recipe, however, was inspired by a dish at a local ramen spot near my house. A true gem of a place. We went with friends, and it took a couple of hours to get all our food, which was fine since they brought out my sake and I didn’t care about the rest. After like 90 minutes of still missing half our order, I walked up to one of the dudes walking around, and politely informed him that we were still missing our dishes, and like, wondered if they were going to get them for us. He didn’t speak English, and ran away. He was scared of me the rest of the night. 
Anyway, one of our friends and Annie both ordered vegetable fried rice, and they brought out rice with egg in it, and no vegetables. I was jealous. 
This recipe is not fried rice. I’m too lazy for that.  
Egg Scramble with Rice (adapted from a local ramen joint with communication issues)

Ingredients: 

  • 2 eggs
  • 1 cup frozen vegetables of your choice 
  • Cheese (optional) 
  • 1/2 TBSP butter or oil
  • 1/2 cup cooked rice of your choice
  • Soy sauce 

Directions:

Heat butter or oil in a pan at medium heat and add vegetables. Cook until heated through and add cheese (if you want) until it melts. 

Today I used peppers and corn that was genetically modified to taste like carrots. It counts as an extra vegetable.

Scramble the eggs in a bowl and pour into pan. 

Serafina would just eat it at this stage because she doesn’t even have time to cook her eggs.

Prepare a bowl of rice and drizzle soy sauce in it and mix it in. Top it with the scramble and eat it while silently wishing you were eating cookies for lunch instead. 

Not cookies, but I guess it works.

That’s all for this week. If you would like your own personalized mixtape from Mary Ellen, send an inquiry through the Contact Page and a representative will be with you within 1-12 days. 
Scrambles are just free spirited omelettes. 
Mary Ellen 

Defeated Eggplant

A Saturday post? What am I doing here? I thought it was still Tuesday. I’ll have to talk to my assistant about keeping a better schedule for me, and maybe limit my daytime drinking just a bit. 
This week has defeated me in almost every way. I am so excited for this weekend, where I still have a shit ton to do, but Annie is also semi available and I can just ignore it all and go drink sake in the corner. 

Since Serafina already shared my likeness, I’m sharing this intimate moment with Annie post coitus. Sorry we look like shit. I’m wearing my house/chore clothes and he’s a corporate accountant and has let himself go.

I promised myself I would never do an eggplant recipe on this blog, but, just like I do with everyone else, I break promises frequently and aggressively. This recipe will not win anyone over that is scared of eggplant.  It really is for people who already like it. 
It’s also adapted from my sister’s recipe that I saw her make once many years ago. I was going to call her and ask how to do it, but I just sent her dance videos for hours instead, never mentioning that I was destroying her recipe and posting it publicly. 
Let’s get to it. 

On the plus side, this recipe doesn’t involve much attention, so it’s good for fellow lazy assholes like me.

Sista Ethel May Darkhorse’s Eggplant Appetizer (pillaged from the mind of Mary Ellen’s sister, Inception style)

Ingredients:

  • Eggplant
  • Bell pepper (I like yellow)
  • Balsamic vinegar
  • Olive oil
  • Salt (I used course Himalayan in a grinder)
  • Goat cheddar (don’t fucking use anything else) 

Directions: 

Slice the eggplant fairly thinly, salt, and put in a colander to sweat for several hours. When ready to bake, rinse and pat dry. 

Eggplant sweat lodge. Yes, that’s my dirty pan from breakfast. It’s fine. I’m fine.

Lay the eggplant out on a pan with parchment paper and brush with the vinegar. Bake at 375 degrees until it’s pretty done. I didn’t time it, sorry. It’s up to you, young Jedi, to figure that shit out. 

I like to put the pepper on top because it’s pretty.

Remove from oven and flip the eggplant. Brush the other side with vinegar and then lay out cheese slices and pepper on top. Drizzle with oil and salt. Put the eggplant in to broil until the cheese is melted. 

If you didn’t almost burn the house down with the parchment paper, then good for fucking you. Guess you are just perfect at everything, huh?

Remove from oven, and eat it. It’s weird and eggplant-like. Yummy. 

Ugh, need to get a manicure.

The odds aren’t in your favor,

Mary Ellen