Eggplanters, this week has just been horrible. It started with my book editor sending back my manuscript of my tell-all sex tales revolving around Paul Giamatti torn to shreds. She said that 1) I spelled “Pual” wrong in every instance and 2) she stated she couldn’t stop vomiting for three days. Drama queen, right? Bitch, don’t judge me.
As if this was bad enough, we got a notification on Instagram a few days ago that looked like this:
This leads me to my post for today. I’m very upset that now I cannot even consider reaching out to Oprah, who’s a chai tea expert, for her endorsement of my homemade fake chai tea latte.
So, here’s the recipe. You only have my half-assed endorsement.
Faux Chai Tea Latte (that is basically a Chai London Fog)
Steep your tea in sweetened vanilla milk for like, I dunno, 10 minutes. That’s how long it too for me. If you’re fancy you can use a milk frother and it’ll resemble a chai latte a little more closely than whatever I made.
So that’s today’s recipe. Guess now I need to find another celebrity or brand endorsement. Too bad Paul won’t talk to me anymore.
Check out Serafina’s last post for a recipe to help a bad day. I’m heading over there now.
Dear Eggplanters, my blog partner and I have no concept of time anymore, and realized that we were working off calendars from different years (1976 and 1982, respectively). So now that we’ve synced to 1824, we shouldn’t have as many embarrassing scheduling fiascos.
I would also like to address some concerns fans have written about in regards to my latest recipes. I’ve gotten hundreds of emails more or less asking the question, “Mary Ellen, did you become a vegan?”
I toiled away at that question for weeks, and wasn’t quite sure how to answer it. Veganism is a highly personal spiritual awakening. I thoroughly enjoy jumping on, into, and underneath bandwagons. I also love handing out pamphlets, and I just assumed this was part of the diet.
So did I become vegan?
Sadly, despite the pamphlet aspect, I am not a vegan. However, I’ve been posting mostly vegan recipes because my diet lately is heavily leaning vegan due to a bunch of foods causing me distress. I’m basically a home vegan that sometimes goes buck wild when released into the world. So far, this mental and physical compromise is working and my health should be good enough soon to get back on my regular drinking schedule.
Okay, so burritos.
I am really obsessed with breakfast burritos but I live in an area where they are kind of hard to find, and when you do find them, they suck and most definitely don’t have potatoes in them. What is wrong with people? What’s with the potato misers? Anyway, I set out to make a really simple, potato-heavy, food-truck-tasting, breakfast burrito.
I plan on revisiting this recipe a lot and trying out sauces (mostly spicy) and even a vegan nacho cheese to change up the flavor, but this recipe is great if you want something simple and you’re a spice wimp. This recipe also works well if you just don’t want to go shopping for a ton of shit because it uses a lot of pantry staples.
Vegan Breakfast Burrito
Ingredients: – 2 lbs potatoes (I used fingerling because I’m fancy and also I hate when things are chopped evenly) – 1 block of tempeh, chopped – 1 tsp garlic powder (plus more to sprinkle on potatoes) – 1/4 tsp salt (plus more for potatoes) – 1/4 tsp onion powder (plus more for potatoes) – Ground pepper – Smoked paprika – Vegan butter – Olive oil – Tortillas – Hummus (you could also make a sriracha ranch and that would be bomb) – Vegan parmesan (optional) – Spinach and arugula (or lettuce, I guess)
Heat a large skillet with the vegan butter and add the potatoes and season them well with salt, pepper, garlic and onion powder, and the paprika. Sauté the potatoes until they are browned. I covered my pan with foil to get them done faster.
In a medium bowl, coat the tempeh with about 1/2 tsp of oil and then toss them in the measured out garlic, onion, salt and pepper ingredients. Heat another skillet with oil or butter (or use the potato one when the potatoes are done) and sear the tempeh until it’s brown and crispy on both sides (don’t cover).
Prepare the burrito: smear some hummus, add the greens, and then portion out whatever you want of the potatoes and tempeh and wrap that burrito.
I hope you all will enjoy your burritos, because I know I did. And I hope you all will forgive me for not becoming a vegan (or basically being a vegan, just take your pick).
Friends, if you’re anything like me, you’ve realized that modern medicine is bullshit and turned to new-age alternative that are not only more expensive but lack any evidence of effectiveness. It’s amazing. But after thinking momentarily about trying a mushroom latte or turmeric milk, I remembered my attempt to make ginger beet juice and threw up in my mouth a little bit. But fear not, I still love the other, more mainstream old school hippie shit like sourdough and kombucha.
I was reading up on fermentation recently and I got to a chapter on health benefits of fermented food, which is awesome. I’m all about cultivating good gut flora. But then there was a section just casually mentioning that sauerkraut is safer and more effective than vaccines. And that is a terrifying thing to say for several reasons, but most importantly, because sauerkraut is fucking gross. I was going to go into a bit here about how antivaxxers are actually heroes who are fighting overpopulation with their own children, but I’d hate for someone who failed 7th grade biology to misunderstand my unsubtle sarcasm. So instead I’ll move on, and strongly advise, with the full weight of my graduate degree in the medical field, that sauerkraut is fucking gross.
I’ve already established that sourdough is incredible, and I’m sure you were able to make the perfect loaf already with my flawless method. Breadly Cooper (my sourdough starter) and I wish you all the best in your bread-making. Another non-gross way to get some delicious fermented food in your life is to get a scoby and start making some kombucha. As with the sourdough, I’ve been doing this for like 1-2 months, so I’m basically an expert. Some general guidelines:
Name your scoby and treat it like a pet. Introduce it to your sourdough starter so they feel like they are building a strong community of microbial pets in the home.
Activate your scoby if you got a dry one (not necessary if someone gave you a baby that their scoby had- which is a real thing that happens, and it seems so much less awful than human childbirth) and then brew up some kombucha tea
Forget that you are making kombucha for about a month, then remember, bottle some of it and save some for your next batch.
I got Scoby-Doo at a local natural
food store and after activating my new little pet, I’ve made one whole bottle
of strawberry kombucha. Not that anyone did the math her, but between the scoby,
tea, sugar, strawberries, and special glass bottles I had to buy for the project,
I spent about $40 dollars on one bottle of kombucha. #worthit
I’m not going to go into the details of how to activate a scoby and brew kombucha here, because, well, that seems like a lot. But I believe in you and your google skills. And just think of how proud your microbial pets will be when you learn not to kill them!
Kombucha that is ready to be bottled
Clean bottle with an airtight seal
Put your ingredients together in the chosen vessel
Allow to sit at room temperature to get fizzy (about 3-7 days). Once fizzy, store in the fridge until you are ready to use.
Have a private kombucha and sourdough party with Scoby-Doo and Breadly Cooper, excluding all of the other household pets who didn’t bother to make you food. Make sure to invite the chickens because they give you eggs.
Ah, Valentime’s Day. It’s the time in which we celebrate the birth of one of the greatest lovers of all time, Saint Valen. Side note: his name is where we get the word “valor” so this just goes to show how important this day really is. (Source: Your Mom)
Anyway, Eggplanters, you know I live a very private life. I only share the intimate details of my life with my cam subscribers, so revealing this all to you is very hard for me.
Annie is gone.
I lost Annie some time ago (not really sure when because I just realized he was gone like a month ago) in the basement. I didn’t really want to go looking for him, because I was worried I’d encounter spiders. Dead or alive, spiders scare me.
So I remarried, and his name is Greg O. Gregerson.
I know what you’re thinking and YES I totally think he’s the spitting image of sexiest man alive, Paul Giamatti.
Anyway, for our first VDay together, I made the most romantic food you can make anyone: waffles. I know you all probably need a good waffle in your life after Serafina misappropriated meat culture last week.
This recipe used a base outline from Joy the Baker’s Blueberry Sour Cream Waffles in her brunch book (Eggs Over Easy) which you can buy here. But I made them healthier, and then I made them way less healthy than the original recipe.
Ingredients: – 1 1/2 cups white whole wheat flour – 2 tsp baking powder – 1/2 tsp baking soda – 1/2 tsp salt – 3 Tbsp granulated sugar – 1/3 cup butter, melted, then cooled to room temp – 2 large eggs – 2 tsp vanilla extract – 1 cup plain Greek yogurt – 1/4 milk (I used almond but you can use anything – 1 cup white chocolate morsels – 1 cup strawberry chia seed jam (I used the recipe from Oh She Glows, but used vanilla extract powder) – make sure it’s cold or at room temp or you’ll cook the eggs – Chocolate ganache, whipped cream, jam, whatever, for serving.
Whisk all the dry ingredients together in a large bowl.
Whisk the wet ingredients together in a separate bowl.
Combine the forces of wet and dry, but don’t over mix or you’ll create a wormhole.
Fold in the white chocolate chips, and then swirl in the cooled jam.
5. Turn on your waffle maker and let the batter rest while you’re waiting for it to heat. Also, follow your waffle maker’s instructions on whether to spray or not to spray.
6. Drop in 1/4 cup amounts into the maker and wait for the magic to happen.
So there you have it. Eat all the carbs this VDay. Also, check out our mukbang videos over on our Instagram page.
Only fools rush into eating waffles without whipped cream.
I originally planned on baking a cake for today’s post, but then realized I was two cake pans short of what I needed. Since I live in the Arctic now, I didn’t want to leave the house to get more pans. Then, I decided to post a smoothie recipe. However, Serafina clearly is spying on me and posted one before I could, and I can only appear to copy her for so long before my fans turn against me. THEN I was going to just make a post about toast BUT WOULDN’T YOU KNOW I RAN OUT OF TOAST. So here we are.
You’re in luck because I LOVE talking about myself and my body and can’t wait to force you to look at pictures of me working out.
Listen, the only reason for exercise is to be hot, no matter what anyone tells you. Otherwise, you’d just walk around and eat healthy. But that doesn’t make you hawt. Let’s get haute together. How many more ways can I spell haht before someone stops me?!
The Early Bird Gets the Worm, and Booty Gains
Listen, I’m not going to sugar coat this. You’re going to have to wake up to work out. And the ones that succeed in their fitness goals wake up suuuuper early. As much as I hate doing so, I drag my ass out of bed before 11:45AM. IS IT EVEN LIGHT OUT AT THAT TIME?!
Hydrate and Fill Your Body with Nutrients to Carry You Through the Workout
It doesn’t have to be a huge meal, in fact I generally opt for nutrient-infused coffee. Almost like on the Keto diet, but with a slight buzz.
Cardio is the worst, since I can’t bend my legs very well, but it’s necessary to combat the fat. I recommend running in heels for an extra boost to your calves and booty. I’m pretty sure this is how Hilaria Baldwin works out. Probably won’t fuck up your feet.
I know, it seems weird that I, such a delicate flower of womanhood, would even want to lift weights. I do it because I look better in a bikini. There might be other health benefits, such as stuff with your bones and shit, but meh.
This is what I like to call “floor work.” Push-ups, ab stuff, planks, etc. It’s boring.
I fucking hate yoga, I’m just going to put that out there right now. I have no patience or attention span, but this helps with seducing people. Also, yoga pants.
So there you have it, Eggplanters. I hope this helps you get a little bit closer to being half as hot as I am.
Now pick yourself up by your bra straps and pump it up. –Mary Ellen
Few things invoke a strong, authentic emotional response from me, but one of those things is cheesecake. To my absolute shock, Serafina wrote a hit piece on cheesecake to choke out the year 2018’s final breaths.
Because of her, what I’m hoping was drunken, nonsense, we got about 40,000 angry emails from readers, most of which listed recipes about how to cook Serafina into a cheesecake. I read them all until I got very, very hungry. Listen, at least 70% of those recipes sounded tasty, and our readers are clearly more skilled at making food than us, but the responses were a bit over the top (not unlike reducing Serafina with some seasonal berries to make a glaze).
Dear Eggplanters, I understand your pain, because I, too, felt it. You see, our tandem baking journey started out with cheesecake.
I’ll wait while you gather yourselves.
It’s true. We made a cheesecake together. A New York style cheesecake. It was the hardest thing I had ever done in my life at that point, which just really shows how great I was at avoiding any sort of conflict. I vividly remember calling her up on my hot pink Razr flip phone and asking her what creme fraiche was. She didn’t know either, and since I guess this was before the internet, she had to consult a baking book index.
But our story was just beginning.
As I was preparing myself to make this cheesecake, I was again confused by the instructions. What was a stiff peak? I thought innocently to myself. I called Serafina.
“Isn’t that what you call the ending to your stripping act?”
Of course it was! But how did that relate to cheesecake? Do I strip for the cheesecake? Is the cheesecake into girls?
Anyway, Serafina ended up just coming over and we sexily made the cheesecake. You can fill in the details with what you deem sexy, I don’t judge and we’re pretty easy. But now when I think of it, she did not eat any of the cheesecake. My whole world has been shattered with lies!
Ha ha just kidding. That’s actually the foundation of my world!
(for the crust) 1. 1 cup plus 2 tablespoons graham crackers, crushed to crumbs 2. 1/2 cup plus 2 tablespoons unsalted butter, melted 3. 3/4 cup plus 3 tablespoons sugar 4. 9 inch springform pan
(for the cake) 1. 2 tablespoons of cornstarch 2. 1 1/2 lbs cream cheese 3. 6 large eggs, separated 4. 2 teaspoons vanilla extract 5. 1/2 cup plus 2 tablespoons heavy cream 6. 1/2 cup plus 2 tablespoons sour cream 7. 1/2 teaspoon salt 8. Zest of 1 lemon 9. Confectioners sugar for dusting
As you can see from the ingredients list, there is no creme fraiche, so I’m not sure what I was doing in the original story, besides rambling. I also forgot to take pictures of the process, so there will just be a slew of sexy cheesecake pictures.
1. Combine the graham crackers, melted butter, and 3 tablespoons of sugar and press into the base of the pan. Put in the fridge to set while you make up the rest of the cake. 2. Preheat the oven to 325 degrees. 3. In a large bowl, whisk the sugar and cornstarch together. 4. Add the cream cheese, egg yolks, and vanilla, and beat well. I recommend a stand mixer because it’s gonna get messy. 5. Slowly beat in the creams – see, it would be nice to have a stand mixer here. Wrangling a housemate also works. 6. Add salt and lemon zest. 7. You think you’re done, but remember those egg whites? Yeah, you need to whip those to stiff peaks. I did mine by hand because I wanted to know if I could. I look like this now:
8. Fold the egg whites carefully into the cheese mixture. 9. Scoop it all onto the chilled base and put it in the oven for 1-1 1/2 hours. I’d recommend putting it on a baking sheet because 100% chance the butter will leak everywhere. Don’t open the oven to look at it. Leave it be, it wants privacy. 10. Turn off the oven and let it sit in there with its thoughts for another 2 hours. Don’t open the oven! It doesn’t want you to catch it doing… whatever it’s doing. 11. Take it out, and let it sit for another hour before chilling it. 12. Dust it with sugar, and smash it into your face. Unless you’re Serafina.
We stripped for the cheesecake just to be safe, and it was, in fact, into girls.
Whoooo baby! I don’t know about you, but are you all perpetually sloshed just to get through the holidays? No? Just me? Are you all not the bane of your in-laws’ existence? Wow. This is awkward. As usual. I should learn how to start my posts better, I guess.
Well, at the very least, I look forward to hearing an update from Serafina on if she was able to pass off those pies as normal pies. I was obsessively thinking about them for weeks. They even showed up in my regular sex dreams that I have about her. Too much detail? Not enough? I never can tell.
It’s the time of year for pumpkin or sweet potatoes or whatever. Carbs. It’s time for carbs. Actually it’s always the season for carbs at my house.
Does deconstruction mean chop up the sweet potato? Because that’s just what I did. That counts.
Deconstructed Chili Fiesta (TM)
Can of black beans
Sweet potatoes or yams
Guac if you’re a rich asshole
Peel and chop up the sweet potato into bit sized pieces. Toss them in salt and oil and roast at 425 degrees for… I dunno. 15-20 mins. Heat up the beans. Combine the beans and potatoes. Season with all the seasoning stuff to your liking, and add salsa. Eat, possibly share with another person, or whatever.
Does this meal sound like it’s actually something that should go into a meal? No. It doesn’t. Stop trying to make things so complicated, Jennifer. Just eat the potatoes.
The other day, while I was trying to figure out how to justify never having to clean the floors in my house, I started thinking about my okay friend and blog partner, Serafina. You see, I’m worried about her. What does she do in the winter? How does she get her vegetables? Worried, I quickly came up with this recipe that uses minimal ingredients, all of which you can buy cheaply in bulk without them going bad, so it’ll get everyone through the winter. It also pairs nicely with whatever that weird drink she made that I’m probably going to start making because I no longer can sleep and wow late night recording sessions are starting to sound good now omg I’m so excited.
Now, when I use the term “deconstructed” I’m using it with the assumption that I have no idea what it means, but affirms my tendency towards trendy hipster things.
This recipe uses no peanut butter or jelly. So don’t worry if you don’t have those things.
Here we go.
Rice (I used brown, but you can use white)
Nut butter (I used sunflower, but you can use whatever you like)
Maple syrup (I guess… you could use jelly…)
Butter (because butter makes everything better – I used vegan butter though)
So, you cook rice and put it in a bowl and add all the other stuff to your liking. And mix it. And then eat it. Think about Serafina, and her dead sunflower.
Today’s post is a clap back (is that what kids really do these days? Do they really clap in people’s faces? Seems rude but I’ll try anything once) to Serafina’s latest post full of shade. It took me MONTHS to whittle this down to less than 25,000 words so you’re welcome I guess.
But first, let me tell you why there is so much contention between my frenemy and me when it comes to skin care.
It all started with a “camping” trip.
You see, Serafina and I decided to go on a clothing optional camping trip, and she invited some men I didn’t know. Naturally, I thought this was going to be a giant orgy, and, excitedly, packed accordingly. This meant that I didn’t bring a bra and I also wore Brittney Spears-style glitter eye shadow the whole time. Serafina was appalled at the fact it took me so long to “ready myself for nature” but really, you never know what kind of sexy adventures happen in the woods so I would NEVER be caught dead without a modest application of foundation and rosy cheeks.
To my shock and disappointment, no one wanted to have an orgy, but rather “grill out” and “tell campfire stories” and “fight off raccoons.” So there I was, holding back tears so as not to smudge my ice blue eyeshadow.
It would be 20 years until we would speak again, and while my Brittney makeup is long dried up, I still have really overly complicated skin care and I definitely fucking wear makeup while camping and Serafina judges loudly. NOT EVERYONE CAN HAVE NATURALLY GLASS SKIN, OK?!
This is just my face routine, that doesn’t include makeup. My face routine is mostly in the style of K-Beauty, while my body is all French, baby.
I remove my eye makeup first, and then use an oil cleanser to remove the rest of my makeup, or if I didn’t wear makeup, my SPF lotion. I use the most gentle cleanser I can find after that. Cetaphil is my jam on a regular basis (please sponsor me ilu).
Toner is life. So much so, I do seven layers. I’m not kidding. Do you hear that, Serafina? I actually fucking stand in the bathroom and do SEVEN FUCKING LAYERS OF TONER. I’m sure she’s screaming at her computer screen right now. Your pain feeds me.
This is the step to which Serafina was referring in my IG posts. And just FYI, yes, the dog gets one too.
Do you think you’ve already done enough to give moisture to your skin? No, you haven’t. It doesn’t matter if your skin is already soft and smooth. Add more. And if there’s daylight, make sure it has SPF.
See it’s not so bad. All this would easily fit inside a small/medium suitcase, making travel spontaneous and whimsical.
And just to prove how well this routine works, here’s a before and after picture:
In case you didn’t notice, no one posted last week. That’s because I chose to ignore Serafina’s last post and decided she had another week scheduled and this was actually my scheduled week. So in reality, I’m not late. That’s how that works.
I’ve been battling a baby cold since last week (I got it from my baby), so I’m hopped up on cold meds. It just doesn’t make my pristine body feel great, you know? I had originally planned for a “real” recipe this week (just kidding, you should know better), but I opted for this miracle smoothie instead, in case anyone out there is also battling ailments, and wants to take a natural approach to their health. Some people wonder why I don’t cook anymore and come up with more edible recipes, and usually I just tell my husband to shut up and if he wants something edible he can go out and buy it himself. This is an example of proper marital communication.
Can you still call it a smoothie if you don’t use a blender? Yes, you fucking can. The health community makes up all sorts of shit, so why can’t we?
This recipe was handed down to me by my ancient Irish relatives that were hiding out in Scotland because they were caught running a grifting scam.
Mary McEllen’s Irish Breakfast Smoothie for the Sick
Add your Emergen-C to your properly poured Guinness (you could also use a different Irish stout, but I don’t know how effective it would be). Drink it with breakfast, or with your morning coffee.
You will pretty immediately feel the effects. You’re welcome.
Pinch me for not wearing green and you’ll get an Irish kisser to the face,