Strawberry Komucha

Friends, if you’re anything like me, you’ve realized that modern medicine is bullshit and turned to new-age alternative that are not only more expensive but lack any evidence of effectiveness. It’s amazing. But after thinking momentarily about trying a mushroom latte or turmeric milk, I remembered my attempt to make ginger beet juice and threw up in my mouth a little bit. But fear not, I still love the other, more mainstream old school hippie shit like sourdough and kombucha.

I was reading up on fermentation recently and I got to a chapter on health benefits of fermented food, which is awesome. I’m all about cultivating good gut flora. But then there was a section just casually mentioning that sauerkraut is safer and more effective than vaccines. And that is a terrifying thing to say for several reasons, but most importantly, because sauerkraut is fucking gross. I was going to go into a bit here about how antivaxxers are actually heroes who are fighting overpopulation with their own children, but I’d hate for someone who failed 7th grade biology to misunderstand my unsubtle sarcasm. So instead I’ll move on, and strongly advise, with the full weight of my graduate degree in the medical field, that sauerkraut is fucking gross.

You know what’s not gross? Seeded Sourdough. It’s fucking amazeballs

I’ve already established that sourdough is incredible, and I’m sure you were able to make the perfect loaf already with my flawless method. Breadly Cooper (my sourdough starter) and I wish you all the best in your bread-making. Another non-gross way to get some delicious fermented food in your life is to get a scoby and start making some kombucha. As with the sourdough, I’ve been doing this for like 1-2 months, so I’m basically an expert. Some general guidelines:

  1. Name your scoby and treat it like a pet. Introduce it to your sourdough starter so they feel like they are building a strong community of microbial pets in the home.
  2. Activate your scoby if you got a dry one (not necessary if someone gave you a baby that their scoby had- which is a real thing that happens, and it seems so much less awful than human childbirth) and then brew up some kombucha tea
  3. Forget that you are making kombucha for about a month, then remember, bottle some of it and save some for your next batch.   
Scoby-Doo, the inquisitive scoby brewing in the jar with a coffee filter keeping dust at bay

I got Scoby-Doo at a local natural food store and after activating my new little pet, I’ve made one whole bottle of strawberry kombucha. Not that anyone did the math her, but between the scoby, tea, sugar, strawberries, and special glass bottles I had to buy for the project, I spent about $40 dollars on one bottle of kombucha. #worthit

I’m not going to go into the details of how to activate a scoby and brew kombucha here, because, well, that seems like a lot. But I believe in you and your google skills. And just think of how proud your microbial pets will be when you learn not to kill them!

Strawberry Kombucha

Ingredients:

  1. 3 strawberries
  2. Kombucha that is ready to be bottled
  3. Clean bottle with an airtight seal

Instructions

  1. Put your ingredients together in the chosen vessel
  2. Allow to sit at room temperature to get fizzy (about 3-7 days). Once fizzy, store in the fridge until you are ready to use.
  3. Have a private kombucha and sourdough party with Scoby-Doo and Breadly Cooper, excluding all of the other household pets who didn’t bother to make you food. Make sure to invite the chickens because they give you eggs.
Kombucha party with the microbial pets!

Get brewing!

-Serafina

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Have a Great ValenTIME with These Valentime’s Day Waffles

Ah, Valentime’s Day. It’s the time in which we celebrate the birth of one of the greatest lovers of all time, Saint Valen. Side note: his name is where we get the word “valor” so this just goes to show how important this day really is. (Source: Your Mom)

Anyway, Eggplanters, you know I live a very private life. I only share the intimate details of my life with my cam subscribers, so revealing this all to you is very hard for me.

Annie is gone.

I lost Annie some time ago (not really sure when because I just realized he was gone like a month ago) in the basement. I didn’t really want to go looking for him, because I was worried I’d encounter spiders. Dead or alive, spiders scare me.

So I remarried, and his name is Greg O. Gregerson.

He’s important so he’s on his phone a lot.

I know what you’re thinking and YES I totally think he’s the spitting image of sexiest man alive, Paul Giamatti.

Anyway, for our first VDay together, I made the most romantic food you can make anyone: waffles. I know you all probably need a good waffle in your life after Serafina misappropriated meat culture last week.

This recipe used a base outline from Joy the Baker’s Blueberry Sour Cream Waffles in her brunch book (Eggs Over Easy) which you can buy here. But I made them healthier, and then I made them way less healthy than the original recipe.

Ingredients:
– 1 1/2 cups white whole wheat flour
– 2 tsp baking powder
– 1/2 tsp baking soda
– 1/2 tsp salt
– 3 Tbsp granulated sugar
– 1/3 cup butter, melted, then cooled to room temp
– 2 large eggs
– 2 tsp vanilla extract
– 1 cup plain Greek yogurt
– 1/4 milk (I used almond but you can use anything
– 1 cup white chocolate morsels
– 1 cup strawberry chia seed jam (I used the recipe from Oh She Glows, but used vanilla extract powder) – make sure it’s cold or at room temp or you’ll cook the eggs
– Chocolate ganache, whipped cream, jam, whatever, for serving.

Make your own fucking jam, it’s the bomb, takes 15 mins, and it tastes way better than anything in your fridge, I promise.

Directions:

  1. Whisk all the dry ingredients together in a large bowl.
  2. Whisk the wet ingredients together in a separate bowl.
  3. Combine the forces of wet and dry, but don’t over mix or you’ll create a wormhole.
  4. Fold in the white chocolate chips, and then swirl in the cooled jam.
I made vegan ganache with dairy free chocolate chips and coconut cream and it was amazing.

5. Turn on your waffle maker and let the batter rest while you’re waiting for it to heat. Also, follow your waffle maker’s instructions on whether to spray or not to spray.

The batter should be thick and smell like a strawberry shortcake doll.

6. Drop in 1/4 cup amounts into the maker and wait for the magic to happen.

I used a plate with a flower because I thought it would be more festive.

So there you have it. Eat all the carbs this VDay. Also, check out our mukbang videos over on our Instagram page.

Only fools rush into eating waffles without whipped cream.

-Mary Ellen


Mary Ellen’s Fitness Regimen for Mind and Body Wellness but Mostly for a Hot Body

I originally planned on baking a cake for today’s post, but then realized I was two cake pans short of what I needed. Since I live in the Arctic now, I didn’t want to leave the house to get more pans. Then, I decided to post a smoothie recipe. However, Serafina clearly is spying on me and posted one before I could, and I can only appear to copy her for so long before my fans turn against me. THEN I was going to just make a post about toast BUT WOULDN’T YOU KNOW I RAN OUT OF TOAST. So here we are. 

You’re in luck because I LOVE talking about myself and my body and can’t wait to force you to look at pictures of me working out. 

Listen, the only reason for exercise is to be hot, no matter what anyone tells you. Otherwise, you’d just walk around and eat healthy. But that doesn’t make you hawt. Let’s get haute together. How many more ways can I spell haht before someone stops me?! 

The Early Bird Gets the Worm, and Booty Gains

Also make sure you get beauty sleep. At least 13 hours.

Listen, I’m not going to sugar coat this. You’re going to have to wake up to work out. And the ones that succeed in their fitness goals wake up suuuuper early. As much as I hate doing so, I drag my ass out of bed before 11:45AM. IS IT EVEN LIGHT OUT AT THAT TIME?!

Hangovers, amirite?

Hydrate and Fill Your Body with Nutrients to Carry You Through the Workout

I apologize, normally I use a cream-based infuser (it is breakfast, after all!), but I ran out.

It doesn’t have to be a huge meal, in fact I generally opt for nutrient-infused coffee. Almost like on the Keto diet, but with a slight buzz.

Cardio

Running past all the haters.

Cardio is the worst, since I can’t bend my legs very well, but it’s necessary to combat the fat. I recommend running in heels for an extra boost to your calves and booty. I’m pretty sure this is how Hilaria Baldwin works out. Probably won’t fuck up your feet.

Weight Lifting

The “2” is how many hundreds I lift 😎

I know, it seems weird that I, such a delicate flower of womanhood, would even want to lift weights. I do it because I look better in a bikini. There might be other health benefits, such as stuff with your bones and shit, but meh.

Calisthenics 

One-handed, bitches!

This is what I like to call “floor work.” Push-ups, ab stuff, planks, etc. It’s boring.

Yoga

This move is called, “fabulous wench.” Can’t remember the name in Sanskrit.

I fucking hate yoga, I’m just going to put that out there right now. I have no patience or attention span, but this helps with seducing people. Also, yoga pants.

So there you have it, Eggplanters. I hope this helps you get a little bit closer to being half as hot as I am.

Now pick yourself up by your bra straps and pump it up.
Mary Ellen

Regarding Cheesecakegate

Few things invoke a strong, authentic emotional response from me, but one of those things is cheesecake.  To my absolute shock, Serafina wrote a hit piece on cheesecake to choke out the year 2018’s final breaths.  

Because of her, what I’m hoping was drunken, nonsense, we got about 40,000 angry emails from readers, most of which listed recipes about how to cook Serafina into a cheesecake.  I read them all until I got very, very hungry. Listen, at least 70% of those recipes sounded tasty, and our readers are clearly more skilled at making food than us, but the responses were a bit over the top (not unlike reducing Serafina with some seasonal berries to make a glaze). 

Dear Eggplanters, I understand your pain, because I, too, felt it.  You see, our tandem baking journey started out with cheesecake.

I’ll wait while you gather yourselves.

It’s true.  We made a cheesecake together.  A New York style cheesecake.  It was the hardest thing I had ever done in my life at that point, which just really shows how great I was at avoiding any sort of conflict.  I vividly remember calling her up on my hot pink Razr flip phone and asking her what creme fraiche was.  She didn’t know either, and since I guess this was before the internet, she had to consult a baking book index.  

But our story was just beginning.

As I was preparing myself to make this cheesecake, I was again confused by the instructions.  What was a stiff peak? I thought innocently to myself.  I called Serafina.

“Isn’t that what you call the ending to your stripping act?”

Of course it was!  But how did that relate to cheesecake?  Do I strip for the cheesecake?  Is the cheesecake into girls?

Anyway, Serafina ended up just coming over and we sexily made the cheesecake.  You can fill in the details with what you deem sexy, I don’t judge and we’re pretty easy.  But now when I think of it, she did not eat any of the cheesecake.  My whole world has been shattered with lies!

Ha ha just kidding.  That’s actually the foundation of my world!

So yeah I made the cheesecake again.

When it’s cracked like that, it means it’s artisanal.

New York Style Cheesecake (adapted from Nigella Lawson’s How to be a Domestic Goddess)

Ingredients:

(for the crust)
1. 1 cup plus 2 tablespoons graham crackers, crushed to crumbs
2. 1/2 cup plus 2 tablespoons unsalted butter, melted
3. 3/4 cup plus 3 tablespoons sugar
4. 9 inch springform pan

(for the cake)
1. 2 tablespoons of cornstarch
2. 1 1/2 lbs cream cheese
3. 6 large eggs, separated
4. 2 teaspoons vanilla extract
5. 1/2 cup plus 2 tablespoons heavy cream
6. 1/2 cup plus 2 tablespoons sour cream
7. 1/2 teaspoon salt
8. Zest of 1 lemon
9. Confectioners sugar for dusting

I’m pretty sure this is the original pan from 10 years ago. Hasn’t been used since.

Directions:

As you can see from the ingredients list, there is no creme fraiche, so I’m not sure what I was doing in the original story, besides rambling. I also forgot to take pictures of the process, so there will just be a slew of sexy cheesecake pictures.

The original directions didn’t describe how to get the cake off the pan base. It’s a delicate cake. I need instructions, Nigella! Anyway, I left it on and it’s part of the cake now.

1. Combine the graham crackers, melted butter, and 3 tablespoons of sugar and press into the base of the pan. Put in the fridge to set while you make up the rest of the cake.
2. Preheat the oven to 325 degrees.
3. In a large bowl, whisk the sugar and cornstarch together.
4. Add the cream cheese, egg yolks, and vanilla, and beat well. I recommend a stand mixer because it’s gonna get messy.
5. Slowly beat in the creams – see, it would be nice to have a stand mixer here. Wrangling a housemate also works.
6. Add salt and lemon zest.
7. You think you’re done, but remember those egg whites? Yeah, you need to whip those to stiff peaks. I did mine by hand because I wanted to know if I could. I look like this now:

Yeah, bet you didn’t see a Lady in the Water reference coming!

8. Fold the egg whites carefully into the cheese mixture.
9. Scoop it all onto the chilled base and put it in the oven for 1-1 1/2 hours. I’d recommend putting it on a baking sheet because 100% chance the butter will leak everywhere. Don’t open the oven to look at it. Leave it be, it wants privacy.
10. Turn off the oven and let it sit in there with its thoughts for another 2 hours. Don’t open the oven! It doesn’t want you to catch it doing… whatever it’s doing.
11. Take it out, and let it sit for another hour before chilling it.
12. Dust it with sugar, and smash it into your face. Unless you’re Serafina.

Look at that fluffy face.

We stripped for the cheesecake just to be safe, and it was, in fact, into girls.

-Mary Ellen

A Deconstructed Sweet Potato Fiesta

Whoooo baby! I don’t know about you, but are you all perpetually sloshed just to get through the holidays? No? Just me?  Are you all not the bane of your in-laws’ existence? Wow.  This is awkward.  As usual.  I should learn how to start my posts better, I guess.

 

Well, at the very least, I look forward to hearing an update from Serafina on if she was able to pass off those pies as normal pies.  I was obsessively thinking about them for weeks.  They even showed up in my regular sex dreams that I have about her.  Too much detail?  Not enough?  I never can tell.

 

It’s the time of year for pumpkin or sweet potatoes or whatever.  Carbs.  It’s time for carbs.  Actually it’s always the season for carbs at my house.

 

And sweet potatoes.

 

I like to pretend I know what healthy intuitive eating means, but to be perfectly honest, I don’t have a clue and my intuitions about everything give me anxiety so I just eat sweet potatoes and beans.  So I totally changed up my old recipe that Serafina thinks looks like chili but it’s so much worse.  And by totally, I mean, I “deconstructed” it.

 

Does deconstruction mean chop up the sweet potato?  Because that’s just what I did. That counts.

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Look at this fine set up.  Look at it!  I have things.

Deconstructed Chili Fiesta (TM)

Ingredients:

  • Can of black beans
  • Sweet potatoes or yams
  • Cumin
  • Salt
  • Pepper
  • Onion powder
  • Garlic powder
  • Oil
  • Salsa
  • Guac if you’re a rich asshole

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They actually look worse than this.  Remember, I use the Foodie app for filters (pay me!)

Directions:

Peel and chop up the sweet potato into bit sized pieces.  Toss them in salt and oil and roast at 425 degrees for… I dunno.  15-20 mins.  Heat up the beans.  Combine the beans and potatoes.  Season with all the seasoning stuff to your liking, and add salsa.  Eat, possibly share with another person, or whatever.

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As you can tell, this bowl didn’t even make it to the table.  I just ate standing over the counter and watched TV.

Does this meal sound like it’s actually something that should go into a meal?  No.  It doesn’t.  Stop trying to make things so complicated, Jennifer.  Just eat the potatoes.

 

I’m only 90% dead inside.

 

-Mary Ellen

Deconstructed PB&J

The other day, while I was trying to figure out how to justify never having to clean the floors in my house, I started thinking about my okay friend and blog partner, Serafina.  You see, I’m worried about her.  What does she do in the winter?  How does she get her vegetables?  Worried, I quickly came up with this recipe that uses minimal ingredients, all of which you can buy cheaply in bulk without them going bad, so it’ll get everyone through the winter.  It also pairs nicely with whatever that weird drink she made that I’m probably going to start making because I no longer can sleep and wow late night recording sessions are starting to sound good now omg I’m so excited.

 

Deconstructed PB&J.

 

Now, when I use the term “deconstructed” I’m using it with the assumption that I have no idea what it means, but affirms my tendency towards trendy hipster things.

 

This recipe uses no peanut butter or jelly.  So don’t worry if you don’t have those things.

 

Here we go.

 

Ingredients:

  • Rice (I used brown, but you can use white)
  • Nut butter (I used sunflower, but you can use whatever you like)
  • Maple syrup (I guess… you could use jelly…)
  • Butter (because butter makes everything better – I used vegan butter though)

 

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This is the moment it was truly deconstructed, right?  Right?  Did I use it right?!

 

Directions:

So, you cook rice and put it in a bowl and add all the other stuff to your liking.  And mix it.  And then eat it.  Think about Serafina, and her dead sunflower.

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Mixed.  All winter long.

 

Get your vitamins from a tablet, not food.

 

-Mary Ellen

How to ACTUALLY Have Flawless Skin

Today’s post is a clap back (is that what kids really do these days?  Do they really clap in people’s faces?  Seems rude but I’ll try anything once) to Serafina’s latest post full of shade.  It took me MONTHS to whittle this down to less than 25,000 words so you’re welcome I guess.

 

But first, let me tell you why there is so much contention between my frenemy and me when it comes to skin care.

 

It all started with a “camping” trip.

 

You see, Serafina and I decided to go on a clothing optional camping trip, and she invited some men I didn’t know.  Naturally, I thought this was going to be a giant orgy, and, excitedly, packed accordingly.  This meant that I didn’t bring a bra and I also wore Brittney Spears-style glitter eye shadow the whole time.  Serafina was appalled at the fact it took me so long to “ready myself for nature” but really, you never know what kind of sexy adventures happen in the woods so I would NEVER be caught dead without a modest application of foundation and rosy cheeks.

 

To my shock and disappointment, no one wanted to have an orgy, but rather “grill out” and “tell campfire stories” and “fight off raccoons.”  So there I was, holding back tears so as not to smudge my ice blue eyeshadow.

 

It would be 20 years until we would speak again, and while my Brittney makeup is long dried up, I still have really overly complicated skin care and I definitely fucking wear makeup while camping and Serafina judges loudly.  NOT EVERYONE CAN HAVE NATURALLY GLASS SKIN, OK?!

 

This is just my face routine, that doesn’t include makeup.  My face routine is mostly in the style of K-Beauty, while my body is all French, baby.

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Shit I forgot the shea butter

 

1. Cleansing

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I have no idea what’s in Softymo, but it’s speedy.

I remove my eye makeup first, and then use an oil cleanser to remove the rest of my makeup, or if I didn’t wear makeup, my SPF lotion.  I use the most gentle cleanser I can find after that.  Cetaphil is my jam on a regular basis (please sponsor me ilu).

 

2. Toner

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The beardy old guy makes it official.

Toner is life.  So much so, I do seven layers.  I’m not kidding.  Do you hear that, Serafina? I actually fucking stand in the bathroom and do SEVEN FUCKING LAYERS OF TONER.  I’m sure she’s screaming at her computer screen right now.  Your pain feeds me.

 

3. Boosters

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TJ Maxx feeds my addiction 

This is the step to which Serafina was referring in my IG posts.  And just FYI, yes, the dog gets one too.

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Beauty standards are unreasonable to keep up with in my family, but even the dog has to do her part.

4. Moisturizers

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I no longer use MyChelle because it causes extreme breakouts on my skin but I didn’t know that until after I wrote all this.  I no longer recommend.

Do you think you’ve already done enough to give moisture to your skin?  No, you haven’t.   It doesn’t matter if your skin is already soft and smooth. Add more.  And if there’s daylight, make sure it has SPF.

 

See it’s not so bad.  All this would easily fit inside a small/medium suitcase, making travel spontaneous and whimsical.

 

And just to prove how well this routine works, here’s a before and after picture:

 

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Left: my first year postpartum where I didn’t care about my looks.  Right: dead and sullen eyes, but hot af and vain as hell.  

CLAP CLAP CLAP

 

-Mary Ellen

Healthy Irish Breakfast Smoothie for Cold/Flu

In case you didn’t notice, no one posted last week.  That’s because I chose to ignore Serafina’s last post and decided she had another week scheduled and this was actually my scheduled week.  So in reality, I’m not late.  That’s how that works.

 

I’ve been battling a baby cold since last week (I got it from my baby), so I’m hopped up on cold meds.  It just doesn’t make my pristine body feel great, you know?  I had originally planned for a “real” recipe this week (just kidding, you should know better), but I opted for this miracle smoothie instead, in case anyone out there is also battling ailments, and wants to take a natural approach to their health.  Some people wonder why I don’t cook anymore and come up with more edible recipes, and usually I just tell my husband to shut up and if he wants something edible he can go out and buy it himself.  This is an example of proper marital communication.

 

Can you still call it a smoothie if you don’t use a blender?  Yes, you fucking can. The health community makes up all sorts of shit, so why can’t we?

 

This recipe was handed down to me by my ancient Irish relatives that were hiding out in Scotland because they were caught running a grifting scam.

 

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I recommend Super Orange but Pink Lemonade is good too.

 

Mary McEllen’s Irish Breakfast Smoothie for the Sick

Ingredients:

  • Guinness
  • Emergen-C
  • Morning

 

Directions:

Add your Emergen-C to your properly poured Guinness (you could also use a different Irish stout, but I don’t know how effective it would be).  Drink it with breakfast, or with your morning coffee.

 

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It’s really fucking hard to take a pouring picture with a giant-ass camera and not many arm muscles.

 

 

You will pretty immediately feel the effects.  You’re welcome.

 

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Don’t make the smoothie come to you, it’s lazy.

 

Pinch me for not wearing green and you’ll get an Irish kisser to the face,

Mary Ellen

A Very Carefully Planned Tea Post

As the title of this blog clearly shows, today’s post has been thoughtfully planned out with as much care as I generally give to writing on this blog.

 

I have spent the better part of the week eating a healthy diet of fast food, balanced with nutritious donuts and cookies.  My skin has a definitive glow, that isn’t powdered sugar glistening in the sun.  I ate a bag of donuts for dinner.

 

Since I clearly have adulting down to a science, I decided to end my day reflecting on my life with a pot of tea.  It’s been a long week, full of excitement and drama but mostly just poop.  I just wanted to take pictures of my new tea set, but I guess I’ll come up with a bullshit list of life-changing bullet points so you know how to frame your own life.  I’m feeling generous, and drunk with an oversized ego right now.

 

IMG_4529

 

Q-Tips can’t be used in your ears.

I read an article about it, and it was incredibly bitchy and pushy about the whole thing.  Why did I buy Q-Tips in bulk at Costco then?  WTF do you need them for?  The article said they’re good for makeup but if you’re using cotton swabs for makeup application then I need to talk to you because something has gone wrong.  They’re wasteful, unless you need to dispose of earwax.

 

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Look the gift horse in the mouth.

And you fucking take a long ass look at it’s mouth.  I’ve been given a lot of dead horses and honestly  I’m tired of writing thank you cards for long expired horses.

 

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Drake’s real name is Aubrey.

And he’s the greatest musical genius of the last seven generations.

 

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What’s Weird Al up to?

I’m just curious.  How’s he doing?

 

Sometimes, we all need a moment to unwind and really meditate on the important things in life.  It’s how we keep stress at bay, and our pores clear.  It’s called “self care” or “treat yo’self” or whatever.  It’s also important to coin a bunch of terms and phrases for things to justify doing things like drinking tea and showering.  If you are showering regularly, that’s called self care, not basic hygiene.  It means you’ve decided to put down all your stressors and self care yourself.  Other things that you can do for self care, in case you need another list: drink water, eat food, sleep, get dressed, walk, talk to friends, and pet a dog, just to name a few.  I hope you were able to get all the self care you needed through my tea pictures today, though.  You can save that shower for tomorrow now.  Answer those emails with ease, baby.

 

Remember it doesn’t count if you don’t post about it on social media.  Bonus points for videos and selfies.  Pics or it didn’t happen, bitches.

 

Mary Ellen

A Tale of Two Chickens

I forgot to post last week. I have no excuse, because I did the recipes and had all the pictures and most of it written and I just forgot. I’m not sorry. I’ve mostly been busy playing Skyrim so I have a very good excuse.

I went insane at Costco recently and bought a ton of chicken. All sorts of chicken. And then I also decided to get some whole chickens and be like, super amazing with my cooking. But then I just made porridge.

If you’re unaware, you can buy a PACK of two whole organic chickens at Costco. For the people who are on a budget, and love eating chicken all the time, buying it Whole is way more cost effective. Worried it’ll take more time to prepare? Worried that it’s scary? Worried you’ll fuck it all up and you should have just gone with your usual dry-ass chicken breast recipe that you’ve convinced yourself is good enough? Well, unfortunately, your first two worries are probably correct but the last one is not.

Follow me while I take you on a chicken journey.

It all started when I decided I wanted to make dakjuk. I was about to just do a recipe that used all my regular techniques of cutting corners and using store bought, pre-prepped stuff, but then I found this lady. She mentions, subtly, two ways she makes her porridge and I was so intrigued by the prospect of boiling a whole chicken because it sounded so gross I needed to try it.

Oh Costco. I love you so much.

So, a different lady’s blog that I browsed while trying to figure out what boiling chickens was like was a bit of a mental case about it. She acted like it was the most disgusting thing in the world and that she really only does it to save money, etc etc and prayed to Jesus the whole time because it was so hard for her. And I really wanted to hold her close and whisper, “honey, Jesus doesn’t want you to suffer so in His name. Just use gloves, bitch.”

It looks really horrendous because I’m very bad at carefully removing things from pots.

See it’s not so bad.

Anyway, it wasn’t that bad. I mean, I was expecting a lot of bad after reading her post, but it was pleasantly easy and not bad at all. Also, you don’t need a recipe. Throw the chicken in a big pot and boil it with some veggies for an hour. Remove the chicken, debone it, add bones and more water to the pot, and boil for another hour. Strain and you have your stock. It’s easy as shit.

It makes a lot of stock.

So, boiled chicken (when you do it with veggies on the bone with skin) is actually really good. I used this recipe for dakjuk and holy crap it was amazing. Seriously, it will forever replace chicken noodle soup as my sickly comfort food, and it is a nice dish to have to rest my body after a weekend of donut binging. Make like three times more than what the recipe calls for because it won’t be enough.

So what did I do with the other chicken? I roasted it. I’ve never roasted a whole chicken before either, and everyone has a really fancy recipe that makes it intimidating. Through the Korean Bapsang blog I found this recipe.

However, I like to be thorough, so I trussed the chicken like this. It actually did produce a better roast, though I don’t have much to compare it to, except turkey at Thanksgiving, which always cooks unevenly I feel like. Anyway, we ate some of this for dinner one night and then the rest got chopped up and mixed with the leftover boiled chicken and I made the most amazing chicken salad sandwich that I’ve ever had in my entire life. Mmmm chicken chicken chicken.

So there you go. That’s what I’ve been doing lately. Sacrificing chickens left and right while also leveling up as a khajiit in Skyrim is how I’m fulfilling my New Years’ resolutions. I’m sure Serafina is crying and totally traumatized at this point, trying to comfort her chickens because she reads this blog out loud to them and I must admit it was a bit of a hostile post. Don’t worry I’ll post about something less chickeny next time.

No lollygaggin’,

Mary Ellen