You guys are lucky that Serafina isn’t writing the post-food Christmas blog post. What would she even post about? How to repurpose carrots? How to convince people salads are a meal? No, you all want to know what I did with my butchered animal after we got tired of turkey sandwiches.
I’m not going to lie, I spent a good hour or two online looking for recipes on what to do with the dark meat of turkey. It all involved basically using every cheese and noodle you can find in the store. Don’t get me wrong, I love cheese. I have an unhealthy, lustful, and inappropriate relationship with cheese. But I’m already feeling fat as it is from the copious amounts of butter so I don’t want a cheese casserole sprinkled with turkey.
Psych! I’m using cheese, no need to close out your browser. But I didn’t make a casserole, because I didn’t want to, and I needed something easy and fast so I could go play Skyrim even faster. It’s all about being efficient with your time, so you can go on adventures with your demon horse.
Leftover turkey quesadillas!
Leftover turkey (or chicken or goose or whatever)
White corn tortillas
Cranberry sauce (not the jelly kind, mine was homemade)
Salt and pepper to taste
Heat a skillet and layer your quesadilla as follows: tortilla, cheese, cranberry sauce, turkey, cheese, and tortilla. I salt and pepper the outside.
I forgot to take a picture of it done. I’m sorry. I was really focused on Skyrim.
Here’s a picture of my squirrel tea light holders instead:
Well, I’m back, folks. First and foremost, I would like to address some of the rumors that may have been circulating about me and being kidnapped.
It’s true, I was kidnapped while on vacation. However, there was no ransom pitched, unfortunately, to my husband. I wish I could say that my time with my kidnappers was traumatic, but I quickly moved up the ranks to second in command of what turned out to be a Drake cult. Like, Drake wasn’t a member. Just people that worshipped him like a God, the way God Intended.
We were riding high, baby. If you could just imagine a Gatsby style life, it was like that. Women, cars, money, and wine flowed like wine.
It all came to a crashing halt last week when the feds investigated our poorly executed money laundering scheme that we tried to make using an actual laundromat.
Maybe you’re wondering why I’m not in prison. Maybe not. Maybe you’re thinking, “I came here for a bread recipe, why am I reading about this criminal?” Well, you’re just going to be in for loads of disappointment today. I sung like a canary. I gave the man all he wanted to know, and a lot he didn’t want to know. To reward my rat like persona, I just have to wear an ankle bracelet and stay under house arrest for the next 10 years. I offered to give random urine samples but the DA rejected my offer.
So now, down to bread. I promised if I ever got out of the cult, I would try and perfect bread making. So I tried out the classic sandwich bread recipe from King Arthur’s flour website. Just go there for the recipe and instructions because I’m lazy and phone it in explaining things to others, and bread isn’t forgiving in that way. But I took pictures for you.
Basically, I did the recipe exactly the way it called for, except I substituted half the all purpose flour with King Arthur’s whole wheat flour. To, you know, make it “healthier.”
My very first ball of glutinous bread dough 💖💖💖
I didn’t knead this bread by hand, which I regret. I used a dough hook on my electric mixer and while it was kneading I cleaned up. I hated the proficiency of my high class technology.
Arrr! Somber dog lies waiting for her bread feast.
All in all, the bread was delicious, but didn’t turn out quiet the size and shape I wanted. I attribute this to over poofing, and the wheat flour, and maybe the amount of yeast I used. Also, I don’t know how to shape dough, which is apparently a skill, but I’ll YouTube that shit later. Doesn’t matter. I will scarf this down happily and try again. The crust and inside texture was perfect. I’m going for a bread machine recipe next though so I can be lazier. Some of my criminal sources brought me Serafina’s FBI file so I know that it’s her birthday today! She doesn’t look a day over 57, she looks amazing, I tell ya. I’m celebrating your honor by continuing to obsessively make the Fried rice recipe until I die. I eat mine with hummus to make it more self righteous.
I think this dish is trendy around where I used to live, because it was advertised everywhere. I never looked into it until quite recently, when I decided my lazy stir frys were boring and stupid and I just couldn’t handle any more soy sauce rice at that moment. You can tell by how eloquently I speak about food that I’m incredibly cultured, and have tasted the finer things in life.
I was also inspired by the egg rice battle that I temporarily had with Serafina on the blog, and technically this counts because it has rice and eggs.
[Warning: I’m talking out of my ass] Traditionally, this dish can be made to order in a hot stone bowl, which helps cook the raw egg, possibly the raw meat, and it crisps up the rice. I don’t have these materials or skills, so this is the lazy white girl version. If you listen to kpop or watch kdramas while making it, it enhances the flavors and spices and helps compensate around 30% for the fact you’re not a Korean grandmother.
Vegetables (I used a combination of fresh and frozen, including a julienned carrot)
4oz ground beef
Meat sauce (from the My Korean Kitchen blog)
Gochujang sauce (from the other blog, seriously, you need to get the recipe there I’m lazy)
Rice (I used brown rice)
A fried egg per person
Vinegar (I used rice vinegar)
Rice bran oil
Sugar, both brown and regular
Minced garlic (I just used some from a jar)
Make up the meat sauce and marinate the beef with it while you work. This took my three hours because I got distracted and had to change poopy diapers and do other things equally exciting. Also make up the BibimBap sauce.
Prep the vegetables, whatever that might entail. I didn’t do much. I sautéed some frozen stir fry with oil and salt, and julienned a carrot. I did not cook the carrot because I wanted a fresh crunch to the dish. I also sliced up the seaweed.
Cook the beef, assemble the bowls with the rice and lay out the vegetables in a pretty way. Top with a fried egg and sprinkle with toasted sesame seeds, and drizzle with the sauce. I did not use raw meat or egg because I’m a coward and I would probably kill myself with food poisoning.
Maybe it’s because I’m a badass, but I didn’t think the sauce was that spicy, and loved it so much. It was only enough for two people in my opinion. Same with the beef. And I used a ton of vegetables. This is why I’m fat.
I hope this inspires you to try and create your own BibimBap masterpiece.
I’m sorry that I’ve been MIA for a long while. I was sick, died, ressurected, and then I’ve been busy coming up with the perfect playlist for working out. I love making playlists for everything because they are the modern form of mix tapes, which I used to actually make for people all the time, because I was adorable/a creepy nerd. Have a crush? Let them know with a heartfelt compilation of emotional Hanson songs. I continued this tradition even with the advent of CDs, and even went so far as to make a “I’m sorry we broke up, I want to be friends, but I also still want to have sex with you/I will stalk you every day until you love me” mix. When CDs died, I ran to iTunes, and now I’m resting comfortably with Spotify.
Since I’ve been so busy making playlists, I hardly have time to cook, clean, or have foresight in general. Actually, I don’t think I even made dinner for my husband last night. I think I had a bowl of cereal, I wonder what he had?
I go back and forth on the egg thing. I love eggs most of the time, but then I need like, several months of a break. I make a lot of egg scrambles with whatever ingredients I have on hand. This recipe, however, was inspired by a dish at a local ramen spot near my house. A true gem of a place. We went with friends, and it took a couple of hours to get all our food, which was fine since they brought out my sake and I didn’t care about the rest. After like 90 minutes of still missing half our order, I walked up to one of the dudes walking around, and politely informed him that we were still missing our dishes, and like, wondered if they were going to get them for us. He didn’t speak English, and ran away. He was scared of me the rest of the night.
Anyway, one of our friends and Annie both ordered vegetable fried rice, and they brought out rice with egg in it, and no vegetables. I was jealous.
This recipe is not fried rice. I’m too lazy for that. Egg Scramble with Rice (adapted from a local ramen joint with communication issues)
1 cup frozen vegetables of your choice
1/2 TBSP butter or oil
1/2 cup cooked rice of your choice
Heat butter or oil in a pan at medium heat and add vegetables. Cook until heated through and add cheese (if you want) until it melts.
Scramble the eggs in a bowl and pour into pan.
Prepare a bowl of rice and drizzle soy sauce in it and mix it in. Top it with the scramble and eat it while silently wishing you were eating cookies for lunch instead.
That’s all for this week. If you would like your own personalized mixtape from Mary Ellen, send an inquiry through the Contact Page and a representative will be with you within 1-12 days.
Scrambles are just free spirited omelettes.
A Saturday post? What am I doing here? I thought it was still Tuesday. I’ll have to talk to my assistant about keeping a better schedule for me, and maybe limit my daytime drinking just a bit.
This week has defeated me in almost every way. I am so excited for this weekend, where I still have a shit ton to do, but Annie is also semi available and I can just ignore it all and go drink sake in the corner.
I promised myself I would never do an eggplant recipe on this blog, but, just like I do with everyone else, I break promises frequently and aggressively. This recipe will not win anyone over that is scared of eggplant. It really is for people who already like it.
It’s also adapted from my sister’s recipe that I saw her make once many years ago. I was going to call her and ask how to do it, but I just sent her dance videos for hours instead, never mentioning that I was destroying her recipe and posting it publicly.
Let’s get to it.
Sista Ethel May Darkhorse’s Eggplant Appetizer (pillaged from the mind of Mary Ellen’s sister, Inception style)
Bell pepper (I like yellow)
Salt (I used course Himalayan in a grinder)
Goat cheddar (don’t fucking use anything else)
Slice the eggplant fairly thinly, salt, and put in a colander to sweat for several hours. When ready to bake, rinse and pat dry.
Lay the eggplant out on a pan with parchment paper and brush with the vinegar. Bake at 375 degrees until it’s pretty done. I didn’t time it, sorry. It’s up to you, young Jedi, to figure that shit out.
Remove from oven and flip the eggplant. Brush the other side with vinegar and then lay out cheese slices and pepper on top. Drizzle with oil and salt. Put the eggplant in to broil until the cheese is melted.
Remove from oven, and eat it. It’s weird and eggplant-like. Yummy.
It was 1969 and a hot summer somewhere in west Texas. Serafina and I worked at a topless bar off the highway. I know what you’re thinking and no, they would not allow us to be one of the topless performers. We had to be fully dressed waitresses.
It was our dream to perform, but seeing as how we were the only employees forced to keep all our clothes on, it seemed like our dreams would never be realized.
Also, we hated each other. Serafina was always stealing my tables and tips and flirting with my customers. One particular night, as I was bringing table 4 our house special, Kicked up Kowboy Kale (I should also mention that our bar was the number one rated vegetarian topless bar for over five decades), she was sitting in my best customer’s, Seth’s, lap! And I was sweet on him!
Anyway, this kind of went on for the entirety of our employment there, which was only around four months. We didn’t become friends until our last night there. Oh, what a faithful night that was! The bar’s most famous dancer, Seitani, had a severe allergic reaction to some radish pasties, and was rushed to the hospital, right before she was to go on!
Serafina and I locked eyes, and rushed to the stage. There was no music, but we rhythmically (we each had a different rhythm) removed our clothes, trying to outdo one another. The audience booed, but we pushed on. The bouncer tried to catch us, but we darted out of his grip! Finally, in what could be considered the bravest, most spectacular move I’ve ever seen in my life (I still get emotional and teary thinking of it), Serafina ripped her pants off, revealing a rainbow vajazzle. It caught the light from the stage spotlight, and blinded everyone in the bar. The light was so miraculous that it acted as sort of a North Star to weary travelers, and before we knew it, her current lover walked in bearing gifts of cats (she accepted his romantic proposal DESPITE the cats).
We were fired immediately, but I was so in awe of Serafina, and realized she wasn’t just any part time, fully dressed, topless vegetarian bar waitress. She was my guru.
So now our readers know the short form history of how we met, here is a recipe that is dedicated from me to Serafina.
1.5 lbs carrots, fresh from the garden you should have
4 cups vegetable broth
Pinch of nutmeg
1/2 teaspoon sea salt
Ground pepper to taste
Prep your vegetables and set them aside. If you hate chopping veggies as much as I do, rejoice! You don’t need to be perfect because you’re going to purée this shit in the end.
Using a large pot, heat your oil over medium low heat, and add your onions. Cook until translucent. Add your garlic and ginger, and cook for a few minutes. Finally, add your apples and carrots and cook for a few minutes longer (I usually wait until I can kind of smell the apple cooking).
Add the vegetable broth, and your seasonings and bring to a boil. Reduce the heat and let simmer for 20 minutes.
When all your vegetables are tender, use an immersion blender and blend until smooth (or the texture you like), or, you can do what I did, and transfer it to a blender in batches, spilling carrot water all over the dogs along the way. Either works.
Serve with crackers, a baguette, or my favorite, warm quinoa (yeah I’m that asshole).
Remember to drink your calories,
*fuck grating fresh ginger. This was such a pain in the ass and now I have like a pound of ginger left because they only sell them in 20 lbs increments. Just get the jarred ginger.
Last night, after a long day of running errands and doing the usual house cleaning, my husband, Anderson Anderson Hooper, and I cozied up in front of the fire with a bottle of wine. It was a perfect moment in peaceful quiet, and we just gazed at each other lustfully. He gently grabbed my hand and scooted a little closer to me. He smiled at me, as if he knew my thoughts. I released a nervous sigh.
“How many water bears do you think we unknowingly eat every day? And does that go against veganism?” I asked and twirled my wine glass pensively.
“Uh, yeah I don’t know,” Annie replied (I call him Annie).
“Do you think that they survive our digestive system? I mean, they can survive the vacuum of space. How many water bears, on average, are in human poop? Do they study this? Do we know any biologist that we can call and ask?” I quickly grab my phone and start googling, while Annie switches his focused cuddling on a nearby dog.
I still don’t know the answers to my questions, but I’ve decided to start a charity to save the water bears. They terrify me, with their scary jagged vacuum mouths and dark stares with no eyes. But I just feel bad that I eat them all the time, even if they ARE delicious.
This is a recipe for buttered noodles (heavily seasoned with water bears, but you can just add grilled or roasted chicken instead). I am basically on a cooking vacation this month, because I’m burned out on life, so this recipe is excellent for fellow lazy assholes like me. Seriously though, this is as easy as Top Ramen, so all you college kids can make this for your dates you’re trying to sleep with. Actually, this recipe doesn’t work great for that because you WILL get butter all over your face and both of you will be greasy as hell. I will actually be making real things soon, not just skirting by on my good looks and charm. I can’t let Serafina have all the glory.
Package of noodles (1 lb)
1 stick of butter
½ cup of shredded parmesan cheese
Pepper to taste
Sliced grilled or roasted chicken (optional)
Cook the pasta according to package directions al dente. Drain the pasta, and then return to the pot. Add butter and cheese. If you want meat, add it now (make sure it’s already cooked). Stir, and season to taste. Eat the pound of noodles yourself and order a pizza for the other person. I usually serve this dish with green beans, but I’ve honestly only done it once, so it’s not like I’ve set up a precedent or anything.