It’s Oatmeal

Hello, Eggplanters!  I’m sure you missed me, Mary Ellen.  Unless you’ve never noticed that there are multiple writers for this blog, in which case, fuck you, because one of us clearly pulls most of the weight (it’s not me).

So, I went on vacation, but then contracted scabies on the pirate ship I commissioned to get me to my honeymoon destination. It’s been a long month and I’m already always drunk so nothing can save me at this point.

In addition to being ill, I really haven’t left my house in a very long time.  I considered opening a tab and having a standing order at Pizza Hut to get me through the dark times.  This has lead to a shortage of food at my home.  I have no food.  Send food.  Can you Venmo me some food?  Is that what Venmo is?  Someone help.

Teaser photo of what your breakfast could look like this morning if you’ve given up on life.

Anyway, I was hungry at an acceptable breakfast hour, and luckily I had some steel cut oats.  Everything you see in the following pictures is all I have at my house, plus coffee, and two cans of not La Croix.

I’m pretentious af.

Let’s make some oatmeal!

Ingredients:

  • Oats
  • Butter
  • Nut Butter
  • Sweetener
  • Salt
So I am trying out this new vegan butter. It’s pretty melty.

Directions:

You might have to google how to make oats or reference a book.  Go to the library and ask a librarian over for breakfast and maybe he or she can make you a better breakfast.  Anyway, I buy oats in the bulk section with my reusable hippie bags and I think for steel cut oats it’s a 1:4 ratio of oats and water.  Don’t correct me if I’m wrong because I’m already stuck in my ways. Add salt to your bath water.  Er, I mean, oat water.

I’m even low on the sweetener and I had to scrape the nut butter. I really need to go shopping. Sorry for shitty photos I just used my phone so I didn’t have to go in the other room to get the camera.

When the oats are done, add the other ingredients to your taste.  It’s fine, it’s a passable breakfast, and you are still better than all of us that succumbed to the bagel shop down the road.  Good job.  But you don’t have to be a smug asshole about it.

The obligatory pre-mixed picture as proof that nothing in this recipe is fake. Except me.

I promise to deliver more quality content such as this next week (Serafina is taking a long bath next week and is busy).

Mary Ellen

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A Deconstructed Sweet Potato Fiesta

Whoooo baby! I don’t know about you, but are you all perpetually sloshed just to get through the holidays? No? Just me?  Are you all not the bane of your in-laws’ existence? Wow.  This is awkward.  As usual.  I should learn how to start my posts better, I guess.

 

Well, at the very least, I look forward to hearing an update from Serafina on if she was able to pass off those pies as normal pies.  I was obsessively thinking about them for weeks.  They even showed up in my regular sex dreams that I have about her.  Too much detail?  Not enough?  I never can tell.

 

It’s the time of year for pumpkin or sweet potatoes or whatever.  Carbs.  It’s time for carbs.  Actually it’s always the season for carbs at my house.

 

And sweet potatoes.

 

I like to pretend I know what healthy intuitive eating means, but to be perfectly honest, I don’t have a clue and my intuitions about everything give me anxiety so I just eat sweet potatoes and beans.  So I totally changed up my old recipe that Serafina thinks looks like chili but it’s so much worse.  And by totally, I mean, I “deconstructed” it.

 

Does deconstruction mean chop up the sweet potato?  Because that’s just what I did. That counts.

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Look at this fine set up.  Look at it!  I have things.

Deconstructed Chili Fiesta (TM)

Ingredients:

  • Can of black beans
  • Sweet potatoes or yams
  • Cumin
  • Salt
  • Pepper
  • Onion powder
  • Garlic powder
  • Oil
  • Salsa
  • Guac if you’re a rich asshole

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They actually look worse than this.  Remember, I use the Foodie app for filters (pay me!)

Directions:

Peel and chop up the sweet potato into bit sized pieces.  Toss them in salt and oil and roast at 425 degrees for… I dunno.  15-20 mins.  Heat up the beans.  Combine the beans and potatoes.  Season with all the seasoning stuff to your liking, and add salsa.  Eat, possibly share with another person, or whatever.

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As you can tell, this bowl didn’t even make it to the table.  I just ate standing over the counter and watched TV.

Does this meal sound like it’s actually something that should go into a meal?  No.  It doesn’t.  Stop trying to make things so complicated, Jennifer.  Just eat the potatoes.

 

I’m only 90% dead inside.

 

-Mary Ellen

Trader Joe Goes to Italy

Dear Serafina, I’m upset with you.  If you were going to get addicted to something (energy drinks), then you should have told me because I like to do everything my friends are doing.  Are we not friends?  Don’t answer that, I need to go cry in my REGULAR coffee now.

 

It’s really no secret that I have an unhealthy obsession with my blog partner, Serafina.  So it was really only a matter of time before I tried to rip off one of her recipes.  When looking for a wholesome recipe to feed my lactose-intolerant family, I looked no further than the cheese laden lasagna.  I just felt that, you know, I could deteriorate it a little.

 

Like removing those pesky vegetables.

 

Now, technically I removed all vegetables, because I’m still not sure if tomatoes are one or not.  There’s still tomatoes in the sauce.

 

Also, I made this recipe for the pro-lazys who want to make one stop to Trader Joe’s and get everything they need and do almost no prep.

 

Sounds exciting, doesn’t it?

 

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I’m sorry for the blatant snobbery from the “Quattro Formaggio” bag of cheese.  But I’m fancy, so it can’t be helped.

 

Notice that you don’t even need to do cheese prep?

 

While Serafina is off growing food and like, probably churning her own butter for the next post, you can make a shit ton of crap lasagnas.  They taste good though so it’s fine.

 

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When you think you’ve added enough cheese, think back on all of the mistakes you’ve made in your life, and add a cup more.

 

Ingredients (get everything from TJ’s to optimize lazy):

  • Marinara sauce
  • No boil lasagna noodles
  • Mozzarella cheese
  • Parmesan, or a cheese blend that has parmesan
  • Whole milk ricotta
  • 1 egg
  • Salt
  • Pepper
  • Oregano
  • Basil
  • Garlic powder
  • Onion powder

 

Directions:

Preheat oven to 350 degrees.  Pour some marinara sauce in a casserole dish of your choosing to lightly cover the bottom (about 1/4 to 1/2 cup).  Prep your ricotta mix in a medium sized bowl.  Add ricotta, parmesan (around 1/4 cup), whisked egg, and all seasonings to your preference and thoroughly mix.

 

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Weird, flat noodles that you don’t cook.  Yes, I know you have no reason to trust me, and honestly I still don’t recommend it, but don’t boil the noodles.

 

It depends on your casserole dish on how many layers you’ll have, but it’ll go something like: sauce, noodles, ricotta, little bit of sauce, noodles, ricotta, little bit of sauce, noodles, ricotta, noodles, sauce, cheese.

 

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*Some* people might need vegetables in their lasagna, but those people clearly don’t have vitamin deficiencies.

 

Throw the lasagna in the oven, uncovered, for 30-35 minutes.  Let it cool a bit before eating it.  Not because I care you’ll burn yourself, but because it’s harder to cut.  Just fucking be patient, okay?

 

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See?  There’s like a bowl of salad or whatever in the background.  Far, far away from the delicious cheese.  Don’t worry, Cheese, that spinach can’t hurt you anymore.

 

“I hate Mondays.” – Sandra Bullock

 

-Mary Ellen

 

 

 

 

Hipster Brunch

I had originally planned on posting this on Friday, but, you know, I passed out drunk before I could find my computer.  Then I had to write a new intro for this.  Just know that I work hard to create amazing content for this blog, it just hasn’t been uncovered yet.

 

Today’s post is inspired by my favorite generation, the Millennials.  We actually are the greatest generation.  I mean, come on, even our name is super cool.  We fly around in our jet packs, vacation in nearby star systems, and —

 

Wait, wait.  Sorry, I’m still a little drunk.  Okay, now it’s coming back to me.  Ah yes, we make toast and charge $15 for it.  See?!  GREATEST GENERATION, SUCKERS.

 

Toast is my wheel house.  I have tons of toast recipes.  But you know what alludes me?  Avocado toast.  Avocados are a conspiracy.  Not even government conspiracy.  I’m taking Illuminati shit.  Let me ask you:  how many of you have actually bought avocados and were able to use all of them at the right moment when they were ripe and not brown?  Hmmm???  I can count three whole times for myself.

 

Buying avocados is stressful.  They are expensive, soon-to-be-garbage.  That’s why they charge so much at restaurants, because the stakes are so high.

 

Anyway, let’s make some guacamole toast because it’s lazier anyway.

 

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I threw these on the chair and took a picture of them.  I’m so close to being a professional photographer I’m getting goosebumps.

 

Ingredients:

  • Bread (I used religiously sprouted ones because I’m legit holier than thou)
  • Guacamole (get the individual packs to increase success and happy times)
  • Hemp hearts (because you need to dress it up for Instagram)

 

Directions:

Toast the bread however you like, I won’t judge if you don’t tell me.  Spread guac on bread.  Sprinkle the hemp hearts on.  Read comments on the internet and get into fights with Boomers.

 

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BTS story: I originally had my toast on a plain white plate, but then I thought, “hey, this needs more whimsy.” The process of an artist is a deep river of complex creativity.  

 

Still should probably add butter to this recipe somehow,

 

Mary Ellen

 

Buttercup Burritos

Today I want to emotionally open up to all of our millions of readers.  Sometimes it’s hard to bear your soul to those closest to you, which is why I only share my private thoughts on Twitter, as well as subtweet all of my dirty laundry with every relationship in my life, real and fictional.   

 

Lately I’ve been having an existential crisis.  It’s basically consumed me, to the point I hardly even drink anymore (don’t worry, I’m drinking now, like I do when I write all my posts).  At least half of it is Serafina’s fault, because she puts together extremely elaborate lasagnas AND EVEN BOILS THE NOODLES??!! and she even has a boyfriend.  She has basically kept this blog alive single-handedly and pays both of our bills, as well as this guy we met online three years ago named Ayden. Also, I know for a fact she has six pack abs and reads to blind parrots in her spare time. Her personal Instagram has been featured in 70 different lifestyle magazines, 37 made the cover.  Like, how does one even fucking keep up with that shit? What do I have to show for myself? I still listen to CDs on a Sony Walkman.

 

Have I already peaked?  Have all my culinary masterpieces already been made?  Is this all there is? I don’t even get a gold watch?

 

Oh wait.  *record screeches to a halt*

 

Now… before I share this recipe with you, I just want you all to know how much you mean to me.  I mean, I’m sharing LITERAL SECRET RECIPES. I was planning on only passing these down to my daughter, but then I had a son, because it’s what my husband wanted.  We stay in our gender lanes in this family.

 

Sorry, I didn’t mean to get all political and shit.  That’s not what this is about. This is about:

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I feel like the chocolate chips are a little pushy but whatever.

What to eat for lunch when you forgot to eat lunch but now you’re hangry and you have like 3 minutes to make something you can eat while following your child around and throw play doh balls all over the place.

 

I call it: Buttercup burritos.

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Don’t worry, I know this recipe is complicated but that’s why I took 500 pictures.

You take a whole wheat tortilla, because remember, we want to nourish our bodies in addition to our minds, and you lightly warm it.  Spread your nut butter of choice on it. Mine is almond. Sprinkle with a modest amount of chocolate chips. I used an allergy friendly one, not because I have allergies, but because I’m better than most people.

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Shit.  This looks more like a crepe.  But I already committed to the burrito theme and I really don’t want to have to go back and edit this…

Roll your burrito.

Roll your play doh.

 

Eat and try not to choke on it while running around.

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If I were to make this again, I would add melted butter and omit the almond butter and the chocolate chips.

 

“Buttercups are actually quite filling.” – The Foundations

 

Mary Ellen

 

Letting the pros do it

Hello, Eggpiers.  I apologize for my absence last week.  I honestly have no excuses.  No Drake cult, nothing.  I was just clueless as to what to post about.  I’m still a little clueless.  I have a lot of things I’m doing and things coming up, but most of them involve my budding hip hop/EDM/jazz career, so I just feel like it doesn’t really fit here.

 

I’ve maybe added too many things to my plate.  Not as many as Serafina, since she lives on a farm or whatever.  Also, even though this blog is TOTALLY SERIOUS AND HONEST ABOUT EVERYTHING AND NOT A SATIRICAL THING EVER ABOUT IT, I’ve become bothered at the lack of organization with recipe pages (as in absolutely none), so that might change.

 

But for today, I wanted to try something new.  Something fun.  And something that can help me out for when I feel lazy.

 

I’m going to share a couple of the recipes I’m currently trying and give you a run down with how they went for me.  I didn’t take any pictures this time, though.  Sorry.  I came up with this idea this morning.  You’ll forgive me, right?  I’ll be making these things again soon so maybe I’ll update with pictures, but probably not. (Also I’m not good at MS Paint)

 

Heavenly Carrot Cake Baked Oatmeal (Oh She Glows)

Both recipes are going to be vegan breakfasts.  I’ve been eating a lot of vegan foods lately, though I’m most definitely not a vegan.  I’ve just been cutting down on meat, and having to greatly limit to the point of almost eliminate dairy from my diet.  It makes my skin… lets just say it’s gross.

 

My husband loves this recipe.  I also love it because it’s not too sweet, although in the mornings I still would rather not have oatmeal.  Oh well.  This has carrots in it, so you can get veggies in for the sweet lovers.

 

Vegan Breakfast Burrito Recipe (Build Your Bite)

This recipe is amazing.  Like, I’m fucking serious.  I want to eat this forever.  But too many potatoes aren’t good for you, I heard, since they make you fat?  I think those are lies.  It does not taste vegan.  I’m pretty sure all the seasonings and oil and potatoes make that a reality.  I think I over scrambled the tofu, which was fine, because then the tofu mixture for me was like a creamy sauce.

 

What else have I been doing with my time?  Cooking for my dogs.  Because I needed more to do.  They make up for the lack of meat I’ve been eating and also I still get to boil whole chickens all the time.  Serafina, just let me know if that chicken is too much trouble.

 

Chickens are a marked species at my house.

 

-Mary Ellen