Vegan Breakfast Burrito for the Lazy Girl in You

Dear Eggplanters, my blog partner and I have no concept of time anymore, and realized that we were working off calendars from different years (1976 and 1982, respectively). So now that we’ve synced to 1824, we shouldn’t have as many embarrassing scheduling fiascos.

I would also like to address some concerns fans have written about in regards to my latest recipes. I’ve gotten hundreds of emails more or less asking the question, “Mary Ellen, did you become a vegan?”

I toiled away at that question for weeks, and wasn’t quite sure how to answer it. Veganism is a highly personal spiritual awakening. I thoroughly enjoy jumping on, into, and underneath bandwagons. I also love handing out pamphlets, and I just assumed this was part of the diet.

So did I become vegan?

Sadly, despite the pamphlet aspect, I am not a vegan. However, I’ve been posting mostly vegan recipes because my diet lately is heavily leaning vegan due to a bunch of foods causing me distress. I’m basically a home vegan that sometimes goes buck wild when released into the world. So far, this mental and physical compromise is working and my health should be good enough soon to get back on my regular drinking schedule.

Okay, so burritos.

I am really obsessed with breakfast burritos but I live in an area where they are kind of hard to find, and when you do find them, they suck and most definitely don’t have potatoes in them. What is wrong with people? What’s with the potato misers? Anyway, I set out to make a really simple, potato-heavy, food-truck-tasting, breakfast burrito.

I plan on revisiting this recipe a lot and trying out sauces (mostly spicy) and even a vegan nacho cheese to change up the flavor, but this recipe is great if you want something simple and you’re a spice wimp. This recipe also works well if you just don’t want to go shopping for a ton of shit because it uses a lot of pantry staples.

Vegan Breakfast Burrito

Ingredients:
– 2 lbs potatoes (I used fingerling because I’m fancy and also I hate when things are chopped evenly)
– 1 block of tempeh, chopped
– 1 tsp garlic powder (plus more to sprinkle on potatoes)
– 1/4 tsp salt (plus more for potatoes)
– 1/4 tsp onion powder (plus more for potatoes)
– Ground pepper
– Smoked paprika
– Vegan butter
– Olive oil
– Tortillas
– Hummus (you could also make a sriracha ranch and that would be bomb)
– Vegan parmesan (optional)
– Spinach and arugula (or lettuce, I guess)

Directions:

Heat a large skillet with the vegan butter and add the potatoes and season them well with salt, pepper, garlic and onion powder, and the paprika. Sauté the potatoes until they are browned. I covered my pan with foil to get them done faster.

I always think the tiny potatoes are easier to prep, so this is what my brain will convince me of in the future despite any other evidence.

In a medium bowl, coat the tempeh with about 1/2 tsp of oil and then toss them in the measured out garlic, onion, salt and pepper ingredients. Heat another skillet with oil or butter (or use the potato one when the potatoes are done) and sear the tempeh until it’s brown and crispy on both sides (don’t cover).

Tempeh is a dry bitch and really should be marinated.

Prepare the burrito: smear some hummus, add the greens, and then portion out whatever you want of the potatoes and tempeh and wrap that burrito.

This is too much. I could not fold the burrito properly.

I hope you all will enjoy your burritos, because I know I did. And I hope you all will forgive me for not becoming a vegan (or basically being a vegan, just take your pick).

Cropped out my failures.

Your local cow is someone’s daughter,

-Mary Ellen

Advertisements

Buddha bowls (the half-assed version)

Have all yous heard of Buddha bowls? They were very “in” a couple years ago with the blog community, and prior to that vegetarians like myself were eating bowls of grains, pulses, and veggies and just being like “this is food.”

All of the Buddha bowl recipes I’ve seen have been very intricate. Make sure you soak the grains and pulses so they are more digestible. There should be at least 14 kinds of veggies in the two cups of food you’re about to eat. Make sure you soak the grains. Are you using sprouted beans or a fermented vegetable protein? Because those are the only two options that exist. If you don’t arrange it as fancy as possible and also post it to instagram it definitely doesn’t count as a Buddha bowl.

Anyway, my Buddha bowl is almost exactly like that classic version, except the only part I followed was the posting to Insta and blogging about it. I also wanted my Buddha bowl to work as meal prep since it is really stupid to make only one portion of food, and it’s not like my boyfriend will eat rice and beans for dinner with me. So I set out to create a meal, nourishing, but barely involving cooking, that works really well as meal prep for pack-able work lunches. I happened to make my Buddha bowls at 11pm before the start of my work week, because I find that meal prep goes faster when you start an hour after your bedtime.

It’s framed with the time because Mary Ellen are on a campaign to promote truth in food blogging

Start with some aduki beans (I think they’re also called adzuki beans sometimes). I like to use aduki beans because they’re one of the few beans that can safety be eaten at work without investing in special fart filtering underwear . I went with canned beans because I don’t like my 11pm meal prep to take 12 hours.

You’re also going to want some brown rice, or, like, another kind of grain. I found these microwavable brown rices and frequently use them for work lunches or times that I’m feeling very lazy.

And now we get to the “cooking” of this Buddha bowl. I imagine you could maybe use raw vegetables, but you’re still going to need to chop them or something, so you might as well chop up a bunch of greens and saute them in a tiny bit of oil, garlic powder, and salt. This was the longest, most taxing part of my late night meal prep. It took somewhere in the range of 3-5 minutes. But it was worth the investment. I bought a yam to roast for these Buddha bowls. It’s still sitting on my counter.

Since this is meal prep, I put the Buddha bowls in fancy glass containers so that when I dump everything together it will look so nice.

Buddha bowls are traditionally served with simple, but time consuming, homemade sauces. I opted for premade goddess dressing and packed it separately in a tiny container. I had a delicious meal at work two days in a row, and it was almost so good that I forgot that I have to spend most of my time working to afford my dog’s prescription food.

Remember to take 40 pictures of your work lunch and post all over social media

Serafina

The Food Blog is a Lie

This week, I’m going to take a seriously investigative look at how food blogs are big liars and contribute to mass anxiety of the Mormon housewives who don’t have their own blogs.

And it’s NOT because I royally messed up my recipe for today’s post…

Okay, so I actually messed up the recipe for today’s post. It had some great potential, but I flew too close to the sun. It also left the house smelling amazing, which was just a painful reminder of my inadequacies. My husband came home and was excited to eat whatever smelled so amazing, and when I told him it didn’t exist he called me a SOB and cried openly on a dog. Things are awkward at the house now.

But just because I messed up my recipe doesn’t mean blogs don’t lie 100% of the time. This somehow absolves me.

So what went wrong?

The current temptress of my life.

I got this book a couple months ago and it’s really been life changing. The recipes are actually amazing, and yes, I did pay someone to sponsor this opinion.

I actually did make the recipe on the front cover (buffalo cauliflower sandwiches), and followed it exactly, and it was a huge hit.

But.

I thought to myself, I could do this even better by frying it! Sounds innocent enough. I had some personal issues with the batter from the original recipe in the fact that, some batter got in the cauliflower steak crevices and was a little underdone. I thought frying would solve this problem.

Also… I might have added ingredients that didn’t go well…

Anyway, frying made a mess, everything fell apart, and I made a huge mess in the kitchen that took an hour to clean.

This was the only non gross things from the batch, and I ate them and they were still amazing.

Will I try to fry these again? You bet your ass I will. I am looking to get that southern, crispy, fried chicken look. I will be back, bitches.

Gonna get a deep fryer now,

Mary Ellen

It’s Oatmeal

Hello, Eggplanters!  I’m sure you missed me, Mary Ellen.  Unless you’ve never noticed that there are multiple writers for this blog, in which case, fuck you, because one of us clearly pulls most of the weight (it’s not me).

So, I went on vacation, but then contracted scabies on the pirate ship I commissioned to get me to my honeymoon destination. It’s been a long month and I’m already always drunk so nothing can save me at this point.

In addition to being ill, I really haven’t left my house in a very long time.  I considered opening a tab and having a standing order at Pizza Hut to get me through the dark times.  This has lead to a shortage of food at my home.  I have no food.  Send food.  Can you Venmo me some food?  Is that what Venmo is?  Someone help.

Teaser photo of what your breakfast could look like this morning if you’ve given up on life.

Anyway, I was hungry at an acceptable breakfast hour, and luckily I had some steel cut oats.  Everything you see in the following pictures is all I have at my house, plus coffee, and two cans of not La Croix.

I’m pretentious af.

Let’s make some oatmeal!

Ingredients:

  • Oats
  • Butter
  • Nut Butter
  • Sweetener
  • Salt
So I am trying out this new vegan butter. It’s pretty melty.

Directions:

You might have to google how to make oats or reference a book.  Go to the library and ask a librarian over for breakfast and maybe he or she can make you a better breakfast.  Anyway, I buy oats in the bulk section with my reusable hippie bags and I think for steel cut oats it’s a 1:4 ratio of oats and water.  Don’t correct me if I’m wrong because I’m already stuck in my ways. Add salt to your bath water.  Er, I mean, oat water.

I’m even low on the sweetener and I had to scrape the nut butter. I really need to go shopping. Sorry for shitty photos I just used my phone so I didn’t have to go in the other room to get the camera.

When the oats are done, add the other ingredients to your taste.  It’s fine, it’s a passable breakfast, and you are still better than all of us that succumbed to the bagel shop down the road.  Good job.  But you don’t have to be a smug asshole about it.

The obligatory pre-mixed picture as proof that nothing in this recipe is fake. Except me.

I promise to deliver more quality content such as this next week (Serafina is taking a long bath next week and is busy).

Mary Ellen

Vegan Vanilla Cupcakes

Friends! I was going to spend an unreasonable amount of time ranting and also show off my new hobby of making naturally leavened bread, but instead I got a puppy. You see, I’m always competing with Mary Ellen, and when she decided to replace her husband with a new model, I decided to get rid of my boyfriend and get a dog. Wait, the boyfriend might still be here…

This puppy wants to eat sourdough. But she can’t. And you can’t either because I’m not giving you the recipe today and you probably won’t be able to google it on your own.

Yep, just checked and his xbox is still in the living room. Maybe I didn’t get rid of him and he just went to work. You know, it really doesn’t matter. He can be here or not. The point is that I got a dog. And found a new recipe for vegan cake because immediately before getting my dog I was house-sitting, out of eggs, and in dire need of cake. So this is the vanilla version of my vegan chocolate cake. If you go with cupcakes, and not, like, an actual cake, don’t try to shove all the batter into 12 cupcakes. They’ll all overflow and you’ll hate yourself. Go with 14 and put some water in the empty cupcake spots. It’s a pain in the ass but it’s worth it.

I’m also a fancy person who decided to put raspberry filling in my cake. I looked up how Martha Stewart did it and used her method. You don’t have to be as fancy as Martha Stewart and me. But I will judge you if you choose to omit the filling.

I didn’t make my own jam. because unlike Mary Ellen, who has a toddler, a husband, and two dogs, I have a puppy and between 0 and 1 boyfriends so I have no time for that shit.

Vegan vanilla cupcakes

Cupcakes:

  • 1 3/4 cups flour
  • 1 teaspoon baking soda
  • 1/2 teaspoon salt
  • 1 cup sugar
  • 1/3 cup oil
  • 2 teaspoons vanilla
  • 1 teaspoon vinegar
  • 1 cup water

Buttercream:

  • Butter (vegan if you’re keeping things vegan)
  • Powdered sugar
  • Small amount of vanilla
  • A few splashes almond milk

Filling

  • Raspberry jam

Makes 14 cupcakes or one 9-inch round/8-inch square cake.

Instructions:

  1. Whisk all dry ingredients together
  2. Make 3 wells in the dry ingredients.  Pour oil into one, vinegar into one, and vanilla into one.  Pour 1 cup cold water over everything and stir until combined. 
  3. Bake at 350 for 20-30 min.
  4. Cool
  5. Cut a hole in the top of the cupcake and pull out a small chunk. Save the chunk put in about a teaspoon of raspberry jam then replace the chunk of cupcake and frost. Did I just diligently recipe test the cake for you, give you perfect detailed instructions, and then not even bother giving you rough guidelines for the buttercream frosting? Yes, yes I did.
I didn’t actually fill all of them because I got bored of cutting out small circles

Can’t stop to think of a witty sign off, my puppy is eating a couch

Serafina

Barbecue Jackfruit Bao

Friends, I’ve been a vegetarian for such a long time at this point that I’ve stopped sharing the exact amount of time because I realized it ages me. So, I’ve been a vegetarian since I was about 10, and I’d rather not say how long that is exactly and force you all to do the math. Suffice it to say, it’s been awhile. It’s been so long that I’ve started to realize there are entire groups of foods that I’ve never really encountered. Since today is the Lunar New Year, I’m going to share a vegetarian version of Chinese Bao buns. I hadn’t even heard of Bao until I saw it on another food blog a few weeks ago, and this gets me to my side-rant.

Hey, Google and Facebook, I’m not fucking pregnant. Just because one of the food bloggers I occasionally follow got knocked up doesn’t mean I’m pregernant. So, feel free to stop showing me ads for maternity clothes, ovulation kits, and baby supplies. I get it, you did the math on how old I am and have unilaterally determined that it’s time for me to get on the baby train. But you’re not a part of that decision, creepy-ass targeted-ad people. My IUD and I are perfectly happy together. Her name is Maude. I love you, Maude.

Anyway, I realize vegan barbecue steamed buns might be sending a mixed message about odd cravings after that little rant, but they sounded genuinely intriguing. And it’s the Lunar New Year, so here we are. If you’re worried that something about bao will get you pregante, I recommend oral ingestion only, and maybe go get an IUD just in case?


If you go with premade jackfruit, make sure it looks like it was made by a douchebag.

Vegan Barbecue Bao (with Jackfruit)

Ingredients

For the dough:

  • 2 cups flour
  • 1 tsp instant yeast
  • 1 tsp baking powder
  • 4 tbsp sugar
  • ½ cup warm water
  • 1 tbsp oil

For the jackfruit filling

  • Either get premade BBQ jackfruit like I did OR
  • Drain one can of jackfruit and cook with barbecue sauce. Use the jackfruit in brine, not the sweet kind.

Instructions:

  1. Mix all of the dough ingredients together and knead for about 5 minutes until it’s relatively smooth
  2. Let rise for 30 minutes, or longer if, for example, your yeast has been sitting in the fridge for like two years. The dough should double in size
  3. Once your dough has risen, knead it again briefly and then cut it into about 8 pieces. Roll into 3-4 inch rounds. Place a few teaspoons of pulled apart BBQ jackfruit in each of the dough section things. Then crimp them together in an attractive manner (maybe, like, watch a youtube or something to make yours actually attractive)
  4. Steam for 15 minutes. I used a steam basket because I’m not going out to buy a bamboo steamer. My bao stuck to the bottom a little, but it was fine.

Turns out I wasn’t a huge fan of bao. But I still ate it, I mean, it’s not like it was cheesecake.

Serafina

A lovely smoothie

Disclaimer: This smoothie will turn out ugly, as pictured.

Oh hey there, eggplanters. I’m sure some of you were wondering if I’d return after Mary Ellen’s blasphemous post about the health benefits of cheesecake. Well, I’m still here and it will take more than a dairy-infused feud to stop me.

I’ve been thinking about our time here together, and I feel like I have a moral obligation to use my significant clout for the greater good. I think everyone can see where I’m going here. This is going to be an all-out rant about group texts. You see, awhile back I was added (against my will) to a group text involving my darling boyfriend’s entire family. For years, he has complained about my family, we see them all the time, and there are just a lot of us Bearfinas. And while my family may outnumber his 10:1, at least my people had the decency to keep him out of any group texts. Now, it’s well documented that I am an exceedingly tolerant person, however, today was the final straw. Somehow a text chain about current events led to a series of offensive chicken memes and I could no longer contain my rage. After a brief 20 text rant/dissertation about chicken rights, as well as a few dozen thoughtful PETA re-tweets, I regained control of my life and decided to lead by example instead of shouting via group text.  

So here I am, Fully enlightened. Drinking a smoothie that was originally supposed to be green but turned out kinda brown because I added strawberries.

Vegan Green Smoothie, for health and enlightenment

Makes two smoothies, so you can share your enlightenment with your future self:

Ingredients

  • 1 apple
  • ½ orange
  • Small handful of mixed frozen berries
  • Large handful of spinach
  • Some almond milk

Instructions

  1. Put all the fruit at the bottom, followed by the spinach, followed by the almond milk
  2. If you are saving one of the smoothies for later, wait until you’re actually going to make the smoothie to add the almond milk
  3. Blend
  4. Take a selfie while you’re drinking your smoothie, show off that radiant glow and deep understanding of the universe

For a long time I was hiding in anonymity, concerned about what my family, boyfriend’s family, and colleagues would think of my flawless recipes and exceptional prose. But no more! I’m here! I’m going to soar through the skies like a chicken. And feast on vegan greenish smoothies.

Serafina

A Deconstructed Sweet Potato Fiesta

Whoooo baby! I don’t know about you, but are you all perpetually sloshed just to get through the holidays? No? Just me?  Are you all not the bane of your in-laws’ existence? Wow.  This is awkward.  As usual.  I should learn how to start my posts better, I guess.

 

Well, at the very least, I look forward to hearing an update from Serafina on if she was able to pass off those pies as normal pies.  I was obsessively thinking about them for weeks.  They even showed up in my regular sex dreams that I have about her.  Too much detail?  Not enough?  I never can tell.

 

It’s the time of year for pumpkin or sweet potatoes or whatever.  Carbs.  It’s time for carbs.  Actually it’s always the season for carbs at my house.

 

And sweet potatoes.

 

I like to pretend I know what healthy intuitive eating means, but to be perfectly honest, I don’t have a clue and my intuitions about everything give me anxiety so I just eat sweet potatoes and beans.  So I totally changed up my old recipe that Serafina thinks looks like chili but it’s so much worse.  And by totally, I mean, I “deconstructed” it.

 

Does deconstruction mean chop up the sweet potato?  Because that’s just what I did. That counts.

IMG_1261
Look at this fine set up.  Look at it!  I have things.

Deconstructed Chili Fiesta (TM)

Ingredients:

  • Can of black beans
  • Sweet potatoes or yams
  • Cumin
  • Salt
  • Pepper
  • Onion powder
  • Garlic powder
  • Oil
  • Salsa
  • Guac if you’re a rich asshole

IMG_1265
They actually look worse than this.  Remember, I use the Foodie app for filters (pay me!)

Directions:

Peel and chop up the sweet potato into bit sized pieces.  Toss them in salt and oil and roast at 425 degrees for… I dunno.  15-20 mins.  Heat up the beans.  Combine the beans and potatoes.  Season with all the seasoning stuff to your liking, and add salsa.  Eat, possibly share with another person, or whatever.

IMG_1266
As you can tell, this bowl didn’t even make it to the table.  I just ate standing over the counter and watched TV.

Does this meal sound like it’s actually something that should go into a meal?  No.  It doesn’t.  Stop trying to make things so complicated, Jennifer.  Just eat the potatoes.

 

I’m only 90% dead inside.

 

-Mary Ellen

Deconstructed PB&J

The other day, while I was trying to figure out how to justify never having to clean the floors in my house, I started thinking about my okay friend and blog partner, Serafina.  You see, I’m worried about her.  What does she do in the winter?  How does she get her vegetables?  Worried, I quickly came up with this recipe that uses minimal ingredients, all of which you can buy cheaply in bulk without them going bad, so it’ll get everyone through the winter.  It also pairs nicely with whatever that weird drink she made that I’m probably going to start making because I no longer can sleep and wow late night recording sessions are starting to sound good now omg I’m so excited.

 

Deconstructed PB&J.

 

Now, when I use the term “deconstructed” I’m using it with the assumption that I have no idea what it means, but affirms my tendency towards trendy hipster things.

 

This recipe uses no peanut butter or jelly.  So don’t worry if you don’t have those things.

 

Here we go.

 

Ingredients:

  • Rice (I used brown, but you can use white)
  • Nut butter (I used sunflower, but you can use whatever you like)
  • Maple syrup (I guess… you could use jelly…)
  • Butter (because butter makes everything better – I used vegan butter though)

 

IMG_1171.JPG
This is the moment it was truly deconstructed, right?  Right?  Did I use it right?!

 

Directions:

So, you cook rice and put it in a bowl and add all the other stuff to your liking.  And mix it.  And then eat it.  Think about Serafina, and her dead sunflower.

IMG_1172.JPG
Mixed.  All winter long.

 

Get your vitamins from a tablet, not food.

 

-Mary Ellen

Energizing Elixir

We had our first frost recently. Now all the plants are dead. Tomatoes are dead. Flowers are dead. Check out this dead sunflower.

20181017_125943

It’s sad right? It was eaten by squirrels before the frost. Extra sad. It’s also dark when I leave the house every morning. Dark when I get home. So depressing.

PSYCHE!!! Nothing can be depressing when you’re hopped up on super healthy energizing elixirs!! Oh, yeah, it’s that time again. Serafina’s handing down some caffeine-induced (and whatever the fuck else is in energy drinks) wisdom!!

20181017_120952

A golden-haired nymph appeared and gave me the idea for this wondrous, soul-saving concoction. Was she a hallucination? Maybe. Probably not, because it was before I drank the elixir. I forgot to take a picture of her when she was here so I recreated it for all of you with my famous courtroom illustrator skills

magical elixir

Ingredients:

Mango Naked Juice

Energy Drink

Instructions:

Mix energy drink first and then mango, then stir.

Consume.

Conquer all obstacles. Sing a song about conquering your obstacles. Stop singing, you’re getting distracted. That sounded really good though, make a note to yourself to get some audio recording software to share your gift with the world. Go to the store and buy more mango smoothie and energy drinks before it starts to wear off. Don’t worry if you can’t sleep anymore, you should just drink more energy drinks to combat the urge to sleep.

20181017_135529

Always listen to the golden-haired nymph.

Serafina