Hello, dear Eggpiers (that’s our fandom name now, just FYI). Serafina is busy binge watching Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman so I pulled myself away from my own binging to post in her stead this week. It was really hard. I was actually still watching stuff, and I finally decided I better do it now. If there’s a lot of typos and nonsense sentences, it’s because the show I’m watching is more important than writing this (I’m just watching Kpop videos right now and trying to dance). I do not read what I’ve written that’s not what real artists do.
Now that warm weather is here, I really hate turning on the oven, the stove, or my husband because I will burst into literal flames from getting overheated. Breakfast smoothies are always a nice way to start your day. But what if you haven’t gone to the store in a while? What if you have no greens or fruit or whatever the hell people put in those things to make them healthy and a complete “meal?” Well, I’ve got you covered.
You do need to have this stuff on hand, but they won’t go bad in thirty minutes in your humid as hell house. It tastes fine. Remember this is just to get out the door and on with your life.
Mary Ellen’s I Can’t Breakfast Smoothie
1 frozen banana
1 cup unsweetened almond milk
1 tsp maca powder
1 scoop meal replacement powder (see pic above)
1 TBSP almond butter
Blend all this shit together until smooth.
Alright guys I need to go focus on these dances or I’ll never be able to challenge one of these boy bands to a dance off. I read somewhere that dancing is 75% confidence, 20% cute outfits, and 5% abs.
Winter is throwing its last tantrum before it will suddenly become spring and we will no longer talk about how much winter has been a bitch where I live. I can’t always just get drunk to drown my sorrows, so I made chili.
I’m just kidding, of course I got drunk too.
This week has been incredibly hectic because, after 20 years, I finally finished that k-drama I started. It was horrible. I lost so many hours to those beautiful men, wasted away my youth, and literally nothing in the show up until the end mattered. Nothing. It was just a bunch of random stuff and then they realized they should probably just end it and then they did. It was beautiful.
Sorry, I’m still drunk.
To say that I phoned it in with this week’s blog would be an understatement. I had been planning this recipe for about a month. I took one picture. Here it is:
Anyway, I adapted a Betty Crocker slow cooker chili recipe to be vegan. It retains all the flavor of the meat infused one, but is a lot healthier in the sense that I didn’t have to go out and buy extra cans of chili beans because I didn’t want to go shopping. I also just cooked it on the stove top, but I would recommend putting it in a slow cooker for 8 hours to really get the recipe correct.
Slow Cooker Vegan Chili to Replace your Housemate on a Cold Night (adapted from Betty Crocker)
1 onion (or use onion powder like I did because you don’t have an onion)
2-3 cloves of garlic, minced (again… powder works too)
1 28oz can diced tomatoes (or 2 smaller cans)
1 can black beans, drained and rinsed
1 can pinto or kidney beans, drained and rinsed (use whatever you have on hand because that’s what I did)
1/2 cup red lentils, rinsed
4 cups frozen and cubed butternut squash (I used a small baby bag from a giant mommy bag from Costco)
1 can tomato sauce
2 TBSP chili powder
1 1/2 tsp cumin
1/2 tsp salt
1/2 tsp pepper
If you’re using real onion and garlic, sauté those in a pan with a teaspoon of oil for a few minutes until translucent. Otherwise, add all the ingredients to the slow cooker, stir, and set to cook on low for 8 hours. Eat with crackers and Beano.
There was no love in this post so I guess the title was a lie. But now you can make lazy chili.
Yes I know. I’ve been cooking. Honestly, a person can only get so much therapeutic benefits from an Irish health smoothie before they have to clean up their life. That person might be me.
This week’s recipe is one that even Serafina’s vegetarian ass can get behind. It’s healthy, wholesome (unlike your mom), meat and dairy free, and also guilt free, so you can shove all these things in everyone’s faces at the next family get together. There’s no reason Easter also can’t be a holiday that families fight about food ethics. We can do better. Insert your jabs about Trump’s policies on deporting all vegetables from his plate, or how Bernie wouldn’t be such a commie if he’s stop enslaving cows. There you go, I provided topics for next year to get past all that awkward “weather” talk.
I was inspired to create these recipes to try and get my toddler to eat something with nutritional value. It didn’t work on him, but it did work on my husband so it’s a soft win. This also satisfies both team sweet and savory at the breakfast table.
For the Hash:
1-2 lbs yellow potatoes, diced
1 red bell pepper, diced
1 can of chickpeas, drained and rinsed
2 cloves of garlic, minced
1/2 sweet onion, diced
1 TBSP olive oil
1/2 cup nutritional yeast
1 TBSP fresh dill
Herbamare to taste
Heat olive oil on medium heat. Add the potatoes, pepper, garlic, and onion to the pan and sauté until the potatoes are fork tender. Mash up the chickpeas and add to the pan, as well as the nutritional yeast and dill, and cook until the chickpeas are heated. Season to taste. Burn a little bit to the pan.
For the Pancakes:
1 cup raw buckwheat groats, ground to a powder
1/2 cup whole wheat flour (I used King Arthur)
2 tsp baking powder
Pinch of salt
1 3/4 – 2 cups unsweetened almond milk
2 tsp vanilla
2 TBSP maple syrup
Whisk the dry ingredients together in a big bowl. Add the wet ingredients and whisk until smooth. You don’t need to whisk wet separately, and you need the batter smooth, no clumps. Let it rest for a few minutes before you griddle it up.
I don’t know how to end this post, but I want to go eat pudding now, so I’ll just do it awkwardly.
As you all know, I am completely and utterly obsessed with my chickens. They turned two last week and we had quite the celebration. I wrote about my chickens last year as well on their birthday. This year my boyfriend called me out on playing favorites with the youngest chicken, so we celebrated everyone’s birthday mid-week instead of just celebrating on my favorite chicken’s birthday. It’s important to try to grow as a chicken-parent over time. Sometimes your co-chicken-parent provides meaningful feedback and you have to at least pretend to listen. Other times you just make the chicken cake on the day it works out with your schedule and it happens to look like you are compromising. Who’s to say?
Anyway, I do love all of my chickens so very much. This year’s chicken birthday cake wasn’t quite as big of a hit with them as last year’s (there was more fruit in last year’s), but they enjoyed it nonetheless.
Carrot Cake Oatmeal Birthday Cake for Chickens
Water or almond milk
Pecans or other nuts
Raisins or something
Banana for serving
Make oatmeal by placing oats, etc on the stove with water/milk and applying heat. It’s not very complicated. I believe in you (I mean, I don’t really, but I also don’t feel like writing out the rest of how to make oatmeal, look it up on youtube it if you are still confused).
Put the oatmeal in a ramekin to set and leave in the fridge for a few hours. Once you’re ready to serve the chickens cake, cut a banana lengthwise and gently wrap around the oatmeal cake.
Put in the appropriate number of candles and then blow them out before you take it outside. Cut into several pieces so the chickens don’t fight over the food and everyone gets some.
I’m going to try something different with you guys today. Instead of my usual fool-proof recipe that I provide you so that you can finally learn to cook and stop disappointing your family, I’m going to walk you through a cautionary tale about juice.
In a misguided “it’s still early in 2018 so I should try to eat healthy or something” attempt, I decided to make juice without a juicer. You see, juicers are probably expensive, and I don’t really like juice that much. So I never got around to buying one. I also never got married, so I only have kitchen appliances that I decided to purchase with legal currency or received as a hand-me-down. Anyway, no juicer. And I thought I didn’t care about juicing until I found several recipes for a beet-carrot-apple-ginger juice that’s made in a blender. Let’s start with the recipe and then we’ll get to the cautionary tale part…
Beet (peel it and cut it into some pieces so your blender doesn’t explode or something)
Apple (same instructions as above, but less important because apples aren’t as hard as beets)
1” chunk of peeled ginger
Throw it all in the blender with about ½ cup water or other juice (I used water, why would I be making juice if I already had juice?)
Dump into a sieve over a bowl and wait for it to drip out
Ok, now that the nitty gritty is out of the way, let’s talk about why you should never make juice with a blender, especially this juice.
First of all, the blender handled the task pretty well and didn’t explode, so that went fine. I was really busy trying not to stain my clothes as I dumped the “juice” pulp into a sieve/bowl so I didn’t get any pictures of that step. Luckily for you, as I have mentioned previously, I am a certified courtroom illustrator, so I can recreate the scene for you with ease and accuracy.
Now, as the juice is dripping into the bowl at mind-bogglingly slow pace, you might think that it smells really fresh and that you’re excited to drink it. Don’t get your hopes up. After the first round of straining, mine was still SUPER chunky, so I had to strain it a second time with a finer sieve. All told, I spent like 15 minutes mushing around pulp before I got about 200ml juice.
At this point, I figured this juice had to be fucking mind blowingly amazing or no one would have ever wasted their time with it in the first place. So, I took my first sip, and it was kinda ok. Then I took my second sip, and I thought it was kind of interesting, and warming with the ginger juice. And then when I took my third sip, I audibly gagged and had to try really hard not to vomit in the kitchen.
After that shock wore off, I thought it through and realized that I was just having an uncontrollable gag reflex and horribly unpleasant warm feeling in my stomach because of the ginger juice. No biggie. So I did what any good girlfriend would do, I brought the juice to my boyfriend and made him try it. He didn’t describe wanting to vomit, but he reported feeling repulsed before passing on a second sip.
So I was now faced with a dilemma, I had about half the awful juice left but I had put so much work into it I couldn’t bear to waste it. After deliberating for about 20 minutes, I decided that I had no choice. I gulped the rest of it down, which was a deeply regrettable decision.
You know, after all of that I’m actually having trouble deciding if this was a cautionary tale or a strong endorsement. Let’s do a Pro/Con list, those always help:
Your kitchen sink will make you feel like Dexter when you are cleaning up
You will feel very healthful prior to drinking this juice
Your blender probably won’t explode
You can give your chickens some beet greens, which they LOVE!
If the Dexter part really resonated, you can cover your hands in the leftover pulp and pretend that you murdered your boyfriend for a few seconds until it gets just a little bit too dark or he walks in on you and looks like he might call the cops
You will most likely vomit upon drinking the juice, or at the very least experience severe nausea
Your kitchen will be very messy and beet juice stains everything
You will most definitely get a beet juice stain on your favorite sweatshirt, no matter how careful you are
You might develop a taste aversion to all of the ingredients in the juice as a result of drinking it
If you end up keeping the juice down, all of the bodily excretions you have over the next several hours to days will “bleed” red because of the beet juice (wait, should this be on the pro list?)
You know what? We’re tied! 5 pros, 5 cons! I guess I’ll just leave it up to you to decide if you want to make this fancy blender juice!
I figured I would make my final recipe post for 2016 – wait – 2017, my most complex one yet.
Okay, I hope you’re all done laughing now. I would never ever ruin a good year of coming up with half-assed recipes with a decent one. I would never ruin things, like Serafina always does. Like when she puts wine into recipes instead of drinking it. I will never understand such monsters.
So if you’re done with the old year and have given up in hopes that somehow changing a ‘7’ to an ‘8’ will somehow make your life better, well, my recipe this week won’t get in the way of that. It’s very self-loathing positive. Also, if you are snowed in or something, it uses very few ingredients, and you may have some lying around, or you can just make something else.
Whatever, I’m already drunk for NYE so I don’t care.
Mary Ellen’s fancy rice recipe
1 cup cooked brown rice
2 tsp sesame oil
1/2 cup veggie of choice (I used shelled edamame)
Salt to taste
Hummus as needed (optional)
Cook up rice in a rice cooker because who the hell actually makes it on a stove. Steam vegetables, then mix all together with oil and sprinkling of salt. I enjoy mine with hummus, but I bet ranch dressing would also work.
Now go make some drunken mistakes with camera phones this NYE.
I’m not gonna lie, I wasn’t prepared for this week. Chalk it up to me coming down with the man flu or something. Also, it’s cold as hell where I live, but no snow (figure out where I live, you weather snoopers!). Also, I hate the expression “cold as hell” because I thought hell was hot, so am I being ironic and it’s not actually cold here? Even I don’t know, so I guess I can go ahead and wear shorts today.
I have been beyond unmotivated these last 20 years, and I doubt that will change in the next 20, loveliest readers. However, I’m dusting off my nice camera and picking up some more projects after the holidays, which means I’ll be putting those off and writing on here instead. Count yourselves lucky because you’ll be getting some quality content from me.
That day isn’t today though.
However, to keep things festive, I used sweet potatoes. I eat these a lot because I tell myself they are healthier than regular potatoes, which I also eat, but I’ll never tell you about it.
This recipe is easy, kind of healthy, vaguely filling, and vegan, so you can have all the bragging rights of every other asshole health nut out there that is bothering you to eat healthy.
Mary Ellen’s Sweet Potato Fiesta!
(This feeds two people)
2 baked sweet potatoes
1 can of black beans, drained and rinsed
1/2 cup preferred salsa
1/2 teaspoon cumin
1/2 teaspoon coriander
Cut sweet potatoes in half long ways and slice up the insides to break it open. Heat the rinsed beans until hot in the microwave and add the other ingredients. Spoon on potatoes. Enjoy the rest of your night or go to bed early.
I was talking to my brother recently about how his wife always loads the dishwasher wrong (let’s be honest, it’s a pretty specific skill that not many have mastered). He was wondering if he could blame the whole episode on feminism. As a supportive sister, I told him he could blame whatever he wanted and he proceeded to write Gloria Steinem a strongly worded letter.
I felt guilty about our conversation, though, because while obviously the problem is feminism, I feel like Gloria probably loads her dishwasher effectively. She just strikes me as a strong, independent woman who doesn’t want to eat off a plate covered with hardened cheese particles.
By the way, this is one of those dishes you’re going to want to soak for a sec before you try to scrub the cheese off. Just in case there is anyone out there who needed a little remedial dishwashing LPT.
¾ cup lentils, rinsed
¾ cup quinoa, rinsed
1 cup diced butternut squash
2 cans diced tomatoes (or use many fresh tomatoes)
2 cups veggie broth
About 1 tsp Garlic powder
Small amount onion powder
About 2 tbsp Chili powder
About 1 tbsp Cumin
A little bit of oregano
Salt and pepper
Optional: Tortilla chips, cheese, avocado
Heat oil and add spices. Allow to simmer for a minute. Add butternut squash, lentils, quinoa, tomatoes, and veggie broth. Add lemon, quartered with seeds removed. Keep the skin on, you’ll remove all the lemon chunks before serving. Simmer for a while, until butternut squash and lentils are soft. I think mine simmered for about 45 minutes, but it could have been done sooner.
If it is too thick by the time everything is done, I will sometimes throw in a full can of tomato sauce. I also do that if I accidentally made it too spicy.
Serve with tortilla chips, avocado, and/or cheese.
Think about how we’re now getting 79 cents on the dollar now, ladies, it’s really starting to come together for us!
I think I’m only going to make soup until Mary Ellen gets un-kidnapped. It’ll be like a hunger strike, but I’ll still get to eat soup, which sounds nice. I thought about starting a fundraiser for her ransom money, but I was too hungry from my hunger strike idea, so this will have to do.
I cleared out the rest of my garden this week and found several butternut squash as well as a few carrots I had missed earlier in the season. I started shooting photos while making this soup, but my camera died, and I couldn’t find the charger. You’re all in luck, though, because in addition to going to school to be Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman, I have also completed extensive coursework in courtroom illustration. So, I was able to quickly and accurately draw the important steps of this recipe. I imagine you won’t even notice the difference between my exceptional photography and illustrations.
Cut butternut squash in half and scoop out seeds. Brush with olive oil and then lightly salt and pepper it. Roast face down on a baking sheet at 400° until soft (about 45 minutes)
Once done, let cool for a few minutes until you can handle it. Scoop out all of the squash into a bowl.
Cut apple and carrots into bite sized pieces
In a large pot, saute garlic and leeks (or shallot) until soft and fragrent. Add carrot, apple, cooked squash, thyme, sage, and vegetable broth. Simmer until apples and carrots are soft )about 15 minutes or so. Add coconut milk. Blend with an immersion blender.
Man, oh, man, I’ve been having a lot of GI issues lately (I wish I could just insert a poo emoji here, but I don’t know how to do that on my computer… I’m only technically a millennial). Anyway, I’ve had a number of conversations with my significant other about how if I die from this illness, he will need to make sure my headstone reads “Here lies Serafina Bearafina, who died out of her butt”
I’m obviously hoping that doesn’t happen, but you have to have a plan in place.
Anyway, prior to my…problems, I was spending a shitload of time gardening. A few weeks ago, I made this lovely dish (I only mention that it was a few weeks ago so no one thinks that this curry will make you die out of your butthole)
This curry was born out of the most wonderful of circumstances. My boyfriend, who refuses to eat curry after an incident with his freshman year cafeteria, was away for the weekend. My garden produced about 10 zucchinis and some other unidentified stuff. And (most importantly), I discovered a jar of green curry paste that was about to expire. I know you all wish you can be as inspired in the kitchen as I am, but I’m hoping by sharing these little genuine moments, you can learn how to make edible food.
Brown rice, cooked
1-2 tsp coconut oil
Green curry paste
Splash of water
Several cups of garden vegetables (or grocery store vegetables if you don’t understand how to water your garden)
1 can coconut milk
1-2 tsp coconut aminos
1 tsp lime juice
Salt and pepper to taste
Cilantro to garnish
Cook your rice if you didn’t already (it doesn’t taste very good raw)
Heat coconut oil with ginger and garlic powder for a few moments, then add green curry and a splash of water. Add veggies and saute for a few minutes. Add coconut milk and cook until veggies are soft (maybe 15 minutes?) Once cooked, add lime juice, salt, pepper, and coconut aminos.
Try not to text your boyfriend a picture of all of the things he hates, unless you want to make sure he doesn’t actually come home.