Alt title: Why I’m the best girlfriend in the world
Alt alt title:How I almost failed out of grad school in the last week of the program because I was too busy making cheesecakes to care about my final papers.
First of all, don’t bother making this. It’s a pain in the ass. Sure, maybe your significant other will say something like “this is the best cake I’ve ever had,” which was really sweet. But also, fuck all that, what a goddamn pain in the ass. Second-of-ly, use lactose free cream cheese. It exists. You should use it. It’s better than risking death by flatulence.
Stacked Cheesecake, adapted from Smitten Kitchen
I was going to rewrite the recipe here, but I’m far too lazy for that, and the original will probably be more helpful for you, so instead I’ll just give you my recipe notes.
For the chocolate wafer crust:
- This is basically a giant cookie. Ignore all of the crazy instructions to make this in a food processor and just make it like a cookie. Mix the wet ingredients. Mix the dry ingredients. Put the two together. It’s not hard. Food processors are dumb and expensive and a pain in the ass to clean (technically, I only have a second-hand mini food processor which isn’t ever big enough to use, but all the other things I said were still true).
- If you don’t use a fucking food processor, the dough is soft and crumbly enough to press into the pan, which means there’s no rolling shit out. So, even if you are the kind of person to use a food processor on a regular basis, you’re better off mixing this in a bowl with your arms like humans were meant to.
For the cheesecake:
- You actually need to bring your cream cheese to room temperature. It takes like 2 hours. It’s a pain in the ass. It’s another reason not to make this.
- I made regular (vanilla) flavor and chocolate flavored cheesecakes. The original recipe was for coffee and chocolate, but my boyfriend thinks coffee flavored things are gross. He’s really picky and doesn’t recognize the true value of putting extra caffeine and coffee flavor in everything.
- I was not keen on how the vanilla flavor turned out, but it’s also possible that I just don’t like cheesecake because the only part of the cake I actually liked was the crust.
- You know what, let’s get real for a sec. I didn’t like this cake. It turns out I don’t actually like cheesecake. BUT, my boyfriend liked this cake, so the recipe is probably sound. Listen, if you like cheesecake, maybe you should be the one who’s dating my boyfriend. Send us and email and I’ll verify that your other food preferences are compatible, and if so, I’ll just drop him off at your house. He comes with two cats, so I hope you like cheesecake as well as cats.
For the ganache glaze:
- I lied about only liking the crust. I also liked the glaze. Glazed wafer cookies would have been good. Next time I’ll just omit the gross cheesecake part.
- I didn’t include the corn syrup and my glaze was more of a true ganache which I imagine was better.
- Fuuuuuck this was a bitch to cut. I guess read the instructions and try harder than I did to be more successful? I don’t know. It was awful.
- The instructions call for freezing to cool the cheesecakes quickly. I didn’t freeze my cheesecakes because my pans don’t fit in my freezer. Maybe things would have been better (at least aesthetically) if they were frozen.
- We each ate like one slice and then the rest of the cheesecake went bad in the fridge. So, I’d recommend sending this with your boyfriend to work, taking it to your work, or freezing it in a timely manner. The remains of my cheesecake are currently in my compost bin (don’t worry, it’s municipal compost, so I can put dairy in there, I know you were really worried about that).
- I’ve considered making this with non-dairy alternatives, but I don’t know if I should. If it’s bad I won’t be able to tell if it’s because the non-dairy cream cheese sucks or if it’s just bad because cheesecake is kind of gross.
I hope I haven’t offended you cheesecake lovers out there. I really do hope you have a happy life with my boyfriend.