Vegan Chocolate Chip Cookies

This is my “Fuck, I need to make a dessert and shave my legs and I don’t really have time for either” cookie recipe. It works well when your significant other comes home and reminds you that you have plans to go to a dinner party/game night and he told everyone we were bringing dessert.

I made these cookies in about 20 minutes and also shaved my legs in the kitchen sink while they were baking. It was an impressive display of my domestic and feminine abilities. Then I went on to win at Secret Hitler because, not to brag, but I’m pretty great at being Hitler. I know how that sounds, but sometimes you have to put aside your values because winning a board game is more important.

These are my go-to vegan cookie, but for time’s sake I used real butter which doesn’t fuck up the consistency of the cookie when you melt it.

I actually had an excuse not to clean the kitchen before shooting these photos with my phone

This recipe was adapted from one of my first vegan cookbooks, How it All Vegan. I bought the book thinking the authors were lesbians and was very disappointed when they talked about male significant others.

Ingredients:

3/4 cup sugar

1/2 cup softened butter (if you want these cookies to actually be vegan, you obviously need vegan butter)

1/4 cup oil

1/4 cup unsweetened apple sauce

3 tbsp water

2 tsp vanilla extract

2 1/4 cups flour

1 tsp baking soda

1/2 tsp salt (less if butter is salted)

1 cup chocolate chips

Two types of chocolate chips sounded fancy to me at first, but it just made it seem like I didn’t have enough of any one kind, which might have also been true

Instructions:

1. Preheat oven to 375°
2. In a small bowl, combine sweetener, margarine, oil, water and vanilla.
3. In a large bowl, mix together flour, baking soda and salt
4. Add butter mixture and chocolate chips to the flour mixture and mix well.
5. Scoop balls of dough onto a cookie sheet and bake for 8-10 minutes or until the edges are browned

Makes 12-15 cookies

Eat enough cookies that you no longer want to murder your significant other for failing to give you adequate warning to prepare a dessert.

These were two leftover cookies at the end of the night. I ate them both when we got home.

Just to be super clear, it’s only okay to be Hitler when you’re playing board games. We may flirt with being terrible people around here sometimes, but there are some lines we won’t cross, like actually being Hitler. If I think of any other lines we won’t cross, I’ll be sure to let you know.

-Serafina

 

Hipster Brunch

I had originally planned on posting this on Friday, but, you know, I passed out drunk before I could find my computer.  Then I had to write a new intro for this.  Just know that I work hard to create amazing content for this blog, it just hasn’t been uncovered yet.

 

Today’s post is inspired by my favorite generation, the Millennials.  We actually are the greatest generation.  I mean, come on, even our name is super cool.  We fly around in our jet packs, vacation in nearby star systems, and —

 

Wait, wait.  Sorry, I’m still a little drunk.  Okay, now it’s coming back to me.  Ah yes, we make toast and charge $15 for it.  See?!  GREATEST GENERATION, SUCKERS.

 

Toast is my wheel house.  I have tons of toast recipes.  But you know what alludes me?  Avocado toast.  Avocados are a conspiracy.  Not even government conspiracy.  I’m taking Illuminati shit.  Let me ask you:  how many of you have actually bought avocados and were able to use all of them at the right moment when they were ripe and not brown?  Hmmm???  I can count three whole times for myself.

 

Buying avocados is stressful.  They are expensive, soon-to-be-garbage.  That’s why they charge so much at restaurants, because the stakes are so high.

 

Anyway, let’s make some guacamole toast because it’s lazier anyway.

 

I threw these on the chair and took a picture of them.  I’m so close to being a professional photographer I’m getting goosebumps.

 

Ingredients:

• Bread (I used religiously sprouted ones because I’m legit holier than thou)
• Guacamole (get the individual packs to increase success and happy times)
• Hemp hearts (because you need to dress it up for Instagram)

 

Directions:

Toast the bread however you like, I won’t judge if you don’t tell me.  Spread guac on bread.  Sprinkle the hemp hearts on.  Read comments on the internet and get into fights with Boomers.

 

BTS story: I originally had my toast on a plain white plate, but then I thought, “hey, this needs more whimsy.” The process of an artist is a deep river of complex creativity.  

 

Still should probably add butter to this recipe somehow,

 

Mary Ellen