Energizing Elixir

We had our first frost recently. Now all the plants are dead. Tomatoes are dead. Flowers are dead. Check out this dead sunflower.

It’s sad right? It was eaten by squirrels before the frost. Extra sad. It’s also dark when I leave the house every morning. Dark when I get home. So depressing.

PSYCHE!!! Nothing can be depressing when you’re hopped up on super healthy energizing elixirs!! Oh, yeah, it’s that time again. Serafina’s handing down some caffeine-induced (and whatever the fuck else is in energy drinks) wisdom!!

A golden-haired nymph appeared and gave me the idea for this wondrous, soul-saving concoction. Was she a hallucination? Maybe. Probably not, because it was before I drank the elixir. I forgot to take a picture of her when she was here so I recreated it for all of you with my famous courtroom illustrator skills

Ingredients:

Mango Naked Juice

Energy Drink

Instructions:

Mix energy drink first and then mango, then stir.

Consume.

Conquer all obstacles. Sing a song about conquering your obstacles. Stop singing, you’re getting distracted. That sounded really good though, make a note to yourself to get some audio recording software to share your gift with the world. Go to the store and buy more mango smoothie and energy drinks before it starts to wear off. Don’t worry if you can’t sleep anymore, you should just drink more energy drinks to combat the urge to sleep.

Always listen to the golden-haired nymph.

Serafina

Trader Joe Goes to Italy

Dear Serafina, I’m upset with you.  If you were going to get addicted to something (energy drinks), then you should have told me because I like to do everything my friends are doing.  Are we not friends?  Don’t answer that, I need to go cry in my REGULAR coffee now.

 

It’s really no secret that I have an unhealthy obsession with my blog partner, Serafina.  So it was really only a matter of time before I tried to rip off one of her recipes.  When looking for a wholesome recipe to feed my lactose-intolerant family, I looked no further than the cheese laden lasagna.  I just felt that, you know, I could deteriorate it a little.

 

Like removing those pesky vegetables.

 

Now, technically I removed all vegetables, because I’m still not sure if tomatoes are one or not.  There’s still tomatoes in the sauce.

 

Also, I made this recipe for the pro-lazys who want to make one stop to Trader Joe’s and get everything they need and do almost no prep.

 

Sounds exciting, doesn’t it?

 

I’m sorry for the blatant snobbery from the “Quattro Formaggio” bag of cheese.  But I’m fancy, so it can’t be helped.

 

Notice that you don’t even need to do cheese prep?

 

While Serafina is off growing food and like, probably churning her own butter for the next post, you can make a shit ton of crap lasagnas.  They taste good though so it’s fine.

 

When you think you’ve added enough cheese, think back on all of the mistakes you’ve made in your life, and add a cup more.

 

Ingredients (get everything from TJ’s to optimize lazy):

• Marinara sauce
• No boil lasagna noodles
• Mozzarella cheese
• Parmesan, or a cheese blend that has parmesan
• Whole milk ricotta
• 1 egg
• Salt
• Pepper
• Oregano
• Basil
• Garlic powder
• Onion powder

 

Directions:

Preheat oven to 350 degrees.  Pour some marinara sauce in a casserole dish of your choosing to lightly cover the bottom (about 1/4 to 1/2 cup).  Prep your ricotta mix in a medium sized bowl.  Add ricotta, parmesan (around 1/4 cup), whisked egg, and all seasonings to your preference and thoroughly mix.

 

Weird, flat noodles that you don’t cook.  Yes, I know you have no reason to trust me, and honestly I still don’t recommend it, but don’t boil the noodles.

 

It depends on your casserole dish on how many layers you’ll have, but it’ll go something like: sauce, noodles, ricotta, little bit of sauce, noodles, ricotta, little bit of sauce, noodles, ricotta, noodles, sauce, cheese.

 

*Some* people might need vegetables in their lasagna, but those people clearly don’t have vitamin deficiencies.

 

Throw the lasagna in the oven, uncovered, for 30-35 minutes.  Let it cool a bit before eating it.  Not because I care you’ll burn yourself, but because it’s harder to cut.  Just fucking be patient, okay?

 

See?  There’s like a bowl of salad or whatever in the background.  Far, far away from the delicious cheese.  Don’t worry, Cheese, that spinach can’t hurt you anymore.

 

“I hate Mondays.” – Sandra Bullock

 

-Mary Ellen

 

 

 

 

Serafina’s guide to healthy snacking

Sometimes life gets chaotic and there isn’t time for homemade cookies, cookie dough, or the many other healthful snack ideas  that we have on this site. Sometimes you realize that your masters thesis is due in like two weeks, other times something more relevant to you might happen. Either way, I’m here to guide you through the wonderful snacks that will hopefully save you so your dreams aren’t ruined and you don’t have to cry in the shower until there’s no more hot water every night for the rest of your life.

A wonderful place to start is with healthy beverages to optimize your energy. I rely on coffee most of the time, but in extreme cases, it’s fine to put whatever the fuck is in these drinks in your body. Maybe they’ll help. At least that’s what I’m counting on.

I bought the Focus Aid one thinking it was just a re-branded over-the-counter Adderall. I was wrong.

After your heart is racing and your stomach is queasy from energy drinks, it’s a good idea to get some wholesome food in your body. Shit, maybe we should have started with food, but you know what, it’s too late now. These foods don’t go together, but they are the only things in my refrigerator right now aside from energy drinks and almond milk.

Oh carrots, I look forward to throwing you in the compost in a month when I am trying to figure out what smells bad in the fridge.

Healthy snacks can make a monumental difference in your energy levels and mood throughout the day. For example, before I ate this cookie, I seriously considered pouring tea all over my laptop because the lecture I was watching was mildly irritating. Since finishing the cookie and remembering I have an old broken laptop I keep around for displacing my violent inclinations toward technology, I’m feeling much more regulated.

Another healthful snack that will hopefully stave off your aggressive and destructive tendencies for a few blissful moments is the fruit snack. Fruit snacks are perfection. It’s like someone noticed that it was ridiculous that fruit had all that fiber and shit in it, and was like, “Don’t worry guys, I’ve got this.” I accidentally bought fruit snacks that have vitamin C in them. It’s ok, they still tasted fine.

I ate these vegan fruit snacks on the patio while telling my chickens they weren’t allowed to have any. It’s not that fruit snacks are unhealthy for chickens, I’m just selfish.

Just remember, your achievements are only limited by the amount of sugar you can eat in a sitting.

XOXO,

Serafina