The Creative Process (BTS Eggplant Magic)

Before I get into my totally non-bullshit post today, I would like to dispute Serafina’s lies from her last post.  I’m an expert at being self-righteous, so listen to me.  I didn’t read whatever book she was talking about, and I never will because I don’t even read this blog, but I can say with total confidence that you don’t need to grow your own shit to feel better than everyone.

 

It’s called Farmer’s Markets + Instagram.

 

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Thank god for stock photos so I don’t have to leave my house.

 

I’ve sung Instagram’s praises before, but really, I can even make myself jealous on that platform with my own past posts.  Sometimes, I even think my life is amazing.

 

Just take some pictures at the market and brag on IG that at least YOU support local businesses.

 

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You can later then put spices in a spoon messily and pretend you’re going to bake, like I do. THE BEST PART OF BAKING IS THE MESS RIGHT?

 

Don’t have a Farmer’s Market?  Snap a pic at your local grocery store/gas station.  It’s all about angles, bitch.

 

This might be a good time to start my planned post.  It was totally planned! It’s not because I take a lot of food pictures but don’t actually write down recipes! *laughs nervously*

 

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My research into how to repurpose my gaming food into healthy family meals.

 

I’ve been thinking a lot about food blogger pictures, and how they basically all look the same.  Brightly lit, sharp focus, appetizing colors, etc.  But you know, Serafina and I are ACTUAL artists and believe art should be organic, like what your food should be (eyes judgingly).  We let our food speak to us.

 

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For instance, these muffins said, “lay us here among the mismatched placemats and make sure you get the flowers in the shot.”

 

Sometimes, at least for me, my food is being an asshole and won’t talk.

 

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I’ve taken a lot of photography classes in my life and I don’t fucking know how to make dal look even remotely appetizing in a picture.

 

I recently discovered Foodie, an app that makes my (totally not shitty looking food) talk.

 

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Also, overnight oats.  Look gross, taste only a little gross.

 

Maybe if I spent time staging the food, bringing out my lighting kit, and using my real camera to take pictures, I would have better results.  But since that’s never going to happen, I modify my pictures with filters.

 

OMG I HAVE GMO PICTURES.

 

-Mary Ellen

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Self Righteous Veggie Scramble

Have any of you ever read Omnivore’s Dilemma? If not, you can still read this spoiler because it’s not like it will make a difference. Basically, Michael Pollan spends all this time and energy making a dinner for which he can take full moral responsibility. Grew the veggies, gathered yeast, harvested wheat, the whole goddamn thing. Well, I’m here to say, BITCH, I DO THAT SHIT EVERY MOTHERFUCKING DAY!

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Sorry, I got a little heated there. Pollan and I have a long-standing frenemy relationship, much like mine and Mary Ellen’s, the only difference is that he doesn’t totally know about it. Frenemy relationships sometimes go better when the other person doesn’t know about it because it really decreases the risk of a clap back. Anyhoo, I’ve been working my ass off to grow food and humanely raise chickens, so I can feel morally superior, and it’s about time for me to rub it in everyone’s faces.

Now before anyone gets on my back about the ingredients I used that I didn’t grow (olive oil, salt, and pepper), I have a preemptive retort: I’ve already googled how to grow peppercorns and olive trees. I’m working on it. Sort of. I’m not working on it in the sense that it will happen ever, but I’m working on it in the sense that I thought about it for a minute, which was good enough for me.

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If you want to eat a meal for which you can take full moral responsibility, you’ll need to start growing some veggies, and if you’re not a vegan/want eggs, you’ll need to get some chickens. I also thought about getting a cow or a goat to make butter for this meal, but there are city ordinances against cows and goats, and my boyfriend nixed my idea of indoor goats when I brought up that workaround. Aside from a cow or goat for butter, the only other recommendation I have for this meal is to get a wheat field and make some bread. This would only be worthwhile if you have butter. Otherwise, this is a lovely scramble with ethically produced eggs, zucchini that only suffered minor verbal abuse, and very well cared for tomatoes.

Ingredients

2 eggs, beaten

About ½ a zucchini, halved and sliced relatively thin

A handful of cherry tomatoes, lovingly halved

Olive oil

Salt

Pepper

Fresh basil or other herbs (optional)

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PSA: Dangers of placing food on the floor to photograph outweigh benefits

Instructions

Cook zucchini in a pan with a little olive oil for about 4-5 minutes until it is close to being done. Add cherry tomatoes and cook for another minute. Add eggs and stir frequently until the eggs are cooked. Garnish with beautiful basil which is still somehow alive in September. Maybe you grew it in part shade or something.

Eat on your patio while your chickens roam. It’s ok to eat eggs in front of the chickens because they also eat their eggs, so they were the ones to make it weird first.

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Food is only somewhat safer on the patio, chickens may still attempt to eat the eggs even though they prefer their eggs freshly laid and uncooked

Zucchini is more flavorful after verbal abuse

-Serafina

Quick Garden Dinner

Friends, I’ve read enough of your fan letters to know that Mary Ellen and I are not the only ones who struggle to get a healthful meal on the table every night after a hard day of work. Quick meals are lifesavers whether you’re Mary Ellen, chasing around her toddler while ensuring her make up is on point, or me, laying around the house in my fanciest business pajama suit pretending to finish my last semester of graduate school. At the end of a long, trying day, cooking a meal that is quick and easy becomes as important as cooking one that is healthful and nourishing.

In light of this, I’m bringing you my super-fast garden meal. You’ll need approximately 3-5 months to prepare this meal, depending on your local climate. Gardening is hard work, and between the costs of your own labor, soil, water, plants, and seeds, you’ll probably spend more on your garden veggies than you ever would on the actual produce from a grocery store. But, as they say, you have to spend money to make money.

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Since garden based meals will depend on what you plant and what is ready to harvest on a given day, I’m going to provide some general guidelines instead of a strict recipe.

  1. Plant zucchini. You’ll need to do this in late spring/early summer, so plan ahead! No one really likes eating zucchini, but as I have previously mentioned, you’ll certainly harvest a lot of it. Corn, green beans, tomatoes, and lettuce will round out your meal, and will also take several months of intermittent effort before you’ll be able to acquire food from the plant.
  2. If you want to eat something other than the vegetables you harvested, you’ll need to go to a grocery store. I know, you’re thinking, why did I bother planting all that zucchini 4 months ago? Shhh, don’t worry, you planted it for lots of reasons. And you should be asking why you didn’t plan ahead better and plant something that grows veggie burgers. There’s always next year.
  3. Find a partner, friend, or neighbor with a grill. Grills are scary, and you don’t want to try to deal with one on your own. They’re also hot AF, but not in the good way.
  4. Chop up vegetables and wrap them in foil. Then have your boyfriend (or whoever you found to use the grill) put your veggies on the grill. They also make giant grill skillets but foil prevents your vegetables from being contaminated with meat if you have a boyfriend who refuses to cook himself a veggie burger.

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    You should also probably season your zucchini. Olive oil, salt, and pepper will be fine. Throw in some garlic powder if you’re feeling super fancy
  5. Put food on plate and then consume.
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This was my boyfriend’s plate. He always eats with his xbox controller nearby. It’s like a safety blanket.

Quick, easy dinner in only 4 months.

Serafina