Vegan Breakfast Burrito for the Lazy Girl in You

Dear Eggplanters, my blog partner and I have no concept of time anymore, and realized that we were working off calendars from different years (1976 and 1982, respectively). So now that we’ve synced to 1824, we shouldn’t have as many embarrassing scheduling fiascos.

I would also like to address some concerns fans have written about in regards to my latest recipes. I’ve gotten hundreds of emails more or less asking the question, “Mary Ellen, did you become a vegan?”

I toiled away at that question for weeks, and wasn’t quite sure how to answer it. Veganism is a highly personal spiritual awakening. I thoroughly enjoy jumping on, into, and underneath bandwagons. I also love handing out pamphlets, and I just assumed this was part of the diet.

So did I become vegan?

Sadly, despite the pamphlet aspect, I am not a vegan. However, I’ve been posting mostly vegan recipes because my diet lately is heavily leaning vegan due to a bunch of foods causing me distress. I’m basically a home vegan that sometimes goes buck wild when released into the world. So far, this mental and physical compromise is working and my health should be good enough soon to get back on my regular drinking schedule.

Okay, so burritos.

I am really obsessed with breakfast burritos but I live in an area where they are kind of hard to find, and when you do find them, they suck and most definitely don’t have potatoes in them. What is wrong with people? What’s with the potato misers? Anyway, I set out to make a really simple, potato-heavy, food-truck-tasting, breakfast burrito.

I plan on revisiting this recipe a lot and trying out sauces (mostly spicy) and even a vegan nacho cheese to change up the flavor, but this recipe is great if you want something simple and you’re a spice wimp. This recipe also works well if you just don’t want to go shopping for a ton of shit because it uses a lot of pantry staples.

Vegan Breakfast Burrito

Ingredients:
– 2 lbs potatoes (I used fingerling because I’m fancy and also I hate when things are chopped evenly)
– 1 block of tempeh, chopped
– 1 tsp garlic powder (plus more to sprinkle on potatoes)
– 1/4 tsp salt (plus more for potatoes)
– 1/4 tsp onion powder (plus more for potatoes)
– Ground pepper
– Smoked paprika
– Vegan butter
– Olive oil
– Tortillas
– Hummus (you could also make a sriracha ranch and that would be bomb)
– Vegan parmesan (optional)
– Spinach and arugula (or lettuce, I guess)

Directions:

Heat a large skillet with the vegan butter and add the potatoes and season them well with salt, pepper, garlic and onion powder, and the paprika. Sauté the potatoes until they are browned. I covered my pan with foil to get them done faster.

I always think the tiny potatoes are easier to prep, so this is what my brain will convince me of in the future despite any other evidence.

In a medium bowl, coat the tempeh with about 1/2 tsp of oil and then toss them in the measured out garlic, onion, salt and pepper ingredients. Heat another skillet with oil or butter (or use the potato one when the potatoes are done) and sear the tempeh until it’s brown and crispy on both sides (don’t cover).

Tempeh is a dry bitch and really should be marinated.

Prepare the burrito: smear some hummus, add the greens, and then portion out whatever you want of the potatoes and tempeh and wrap that burrito.

This is too much. I could not fold the burrito properly.

I hope you all will enjoy your burritos, because I know I did. And I hope you all will forgive me for not becoming a vegan (or basically being a vegan, just take your pick).

Cropped out my failures.

Your local cow is someone’s daughter,

-Mary Ellen

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It’s Oatmeal

Hello, Eggplanters!  I’m sure you missed me, Mary Ellen.  Unless you’ve never noticed that there are multiple writers for this blog, in which case, fuck you, because one of us clearly pulls most of the weight (it’s not me).

So, I went on vacation, but then contracted scabies on the pirate ship I commissioned to get me to my honeymoon destination. It’s been a long month and I’m already always drunk so nothing can save me at this point.

In addition to being ill, I really haven’t left my house in a very long time.  I considered opening a tab and having a standing order at Pizza Hut to get me through the dark times.  This has lead to a shortage of food at my home.  I have no food.  Send food.  Can you Venmo me some food?  Is that what Venmo is?  Someone help.

Teaser photo of what your breakfast could look like this morning if you’ve given up on life.

Anyway, I was hungry at an acceptable breakfast hour, and luckily I had some steel cut oats.  Everything you see in the following pictures is all I have at my house, plus coffee, and two cans of not La Croix.

I’m pretentious af.

Let’s make some oatmeal!

Ingredients:

  • Oats
  • Butter
  • Nut Butter
  • Sweetener
  • Salt
So I am trying out this new vegan butter. It’s pretty melty.

Directions:

You might have to google how to make oats or reference a book.  Go to the library and ask a librarian over for breakfast and maybe he or she can make you a better breakfast.  Anyway, I buy oats in the bulk section with my reusable hippie bags and I think for steel cut oats it’s a 1:4 ratio of oats and water.  Don’t correct me if I’m wrong because I’m already stuck in my ways. Add salt to your bath water.  Er, I mean, oat water.

I’m even low on the sweetener and I had to scrape the nut butter. I really need to go shopping. Sorry for shitty photos I just used my phone so I didn’t have to go in the other room to get the camera.

When the oats are done, add the other ingredients to your taste.  It’s fine, it’s a passable breakfast, and you are still better than all of us that succumbed to the bagel shop down the road.  Good job.  But you don’t have to be a smug asshole about it.

The obligatory pre-mixed picture as proof that nothing in this recipe is fake. Except me.

I promise to deliver more quality content such as this next week (Serafina is taking a long bath next week and is busy).

Mary Ellen

A lovely smoothie

Disclaimer: This smoothie will turn out ugly, as pictured.

Oh hey there, eggplanters. I’m sure some of you were wondering if I’d return after Mary Ellen’s blasphemous post about the health benefits of cheesecake. Well, I’m still here and it will take more than a dairy-infused feud to stop me.

I’ve been thinking about our time here together, and I feel like I have a moral obligation to use my significant clout for the greater good. I think everyone can see where I’m going here. This is going to be an all-out rant about group texts. You see, awhile back I was added (against my will) to a group text involving my darling boyfriend’s entire family. For years, he has complained about my family, we see them all the time, and there are just a lot of us Bearfinas. And while my family may outnumber his 10:1, at least my people had the decency to keep him out of any group texts. Now, it’s well documented that I am an exceedingly tolerant person, however, today was the final straw. Somehow a text chain about current events led to a series of offensive chicken memes and I could no longer contain my rage. After a brief 20 text rant/dissertation about chicken rights, as well as a few dozen thoughtful PETA re-tweets, I regained control of my life and decided to lead by example instead of shouting via group text.  

So here I am, Fully enlightened. Drinking a smoothie that was originally supposed to be green but turned out kinda brown because I added strawberries.

Vegan Green Smoothie, for health and enlightenment

Makes two smoothies, so you can share your enlightenment with your future self:

Ingredients

  • 1 apple
  • ½ orange
  • Small handful of mixed frozen berries
  • Large handful of spinach
  • Some almond milk

Instructions

  1. Put all the fruit at the bottom, followed by the spinach, followed by the almond milk
  2. If you are saving one of the smoothies for later, wait until you’re actually going to make the smoothie to add the almond milk
  3. Blend
  4. Take a selfie while you’re drinking your smoothie, show off that radiant glow and deep understanding of the universe

For a long time I was hiding in anonymity, concerned about what my family, boyfriend’s family, and colleagues would think of my flawless recipes and exceptional prose. But no more! I’m here! I’m going to soar through the skies like a chicken. And feast on vegan greenish smoothies.

Serafina

Smoothie Recipe For the Days You Just Can’t

Hello, dear Eggpiers (that’s our fandom name now, just FYI).  Serafina is busy binge watching Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman so I pulled myself away from my own binging to post in her stead this week.  It was really hard.  I was actually still watching stuff, and I finally decided I better do it now.  If there’s a lot of typos and nonsense sentences, it’s because the show I’m watching is more important than writing this (I’m just watching Kpop videos right now and trying to dance).   I do not read what I’ve written that’s not what real artists do.

 

Now that warm weather is here, I really hate turning on the oven, the stove, or my husband because I will burst into literal flames from getting overheated.  Breakfast smoothies are always a nice way to start your day.  But what if you haven’t gone to the store in a while?  What if you have no greens or fruit or whatever the hell people put in those things to make them healthy and a complete “meal?”  Well, I’ve got you covered.

 

You do need to have this stuff on hand, but they won’t go bad in thirty minutes in your humid as hell house.  It tastes fine.  Remember this is just to get out the door and on with your life.

 

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I used the chocolate meal powder, but I hate it, it tastes weird.  Just get vanilla and put cocoa powder in it instead and then it’ll actually taste like real fucking chocolate.

 

Mary Ellen’s I Can’t Breakfast Smoothie

Ingredients:

  • 1 frozen banana
  • 1 cup unsweetened almond milk
  • 1 tsp maca powder
  • 1 scoop meal replacement powder (see pic above)
  • 1 TBSP almond butter

 

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I was impressed with this blind banana shot so you have to look at it.  Look at my photography skillz!

 

Directions:

Blend all this shit together until smooth.

 

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It’s about time I used a different placemat I guess.  But this one is my favorite.

 

Alright guys I need to go focus on these dances or I’ll never be able to challenge one of these boy bands to a dance off. I read somewhere that dancing is 75% confidence, 20% cute outfits, and 5% abs.

 

Maybe I have the abs and confidence mixed up.

 

Mary Ellen

 

 

Cinnamon Rolls

Remember how I said I was worried my boyfriend was going gluten free? Well don’t worry, I decided to disregard his dietary restrictions and make these cinnamon rolls. And now he’s no longer interested in being GF. Don’t look at me like that, I’m a good person. It’s not like he has Celiac’s or anything (probably).

Anyway, my new goal in life is to stop eating vegetables and eat only sugar. My biggest hurdle so far is the horrific GI distress that ensues after eating all the pastries and then I turn back to my horrible, disgusting salad eating habit. I know, I know. I’m working on it. I’m kidding of course about the all-sugar diet. This weekend I ate a strict diet of Chipotle and frozen food from Costco. I’m the picture of health.

Anyway, to work on my #healthfoodgoals I used half whole wheat flour here. All whole wheat is too much, but you can get away with half without worrying that you accidentally had some fiber with your breakfast.

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You’re going to wonder if that is enough butter and sugar on top of the dough. There’s never really enough, but this amount is good enough

Ingredients

3/4 cup flour

¾ whole wheat flour

2 tsp sugar

1 tsp baking powder

½ tsp baking soda

¼ tsp salt

2/3 c unsweetened almond milk (or, like, regular milk)

1 tsp apple cider vinegar

6 tbsp melted butter, divided

½ cup brown sugar

2 tsp cinnamon

For the glaze

About 2 tbsp each: melted butter, brown sugar, and unsweetened almond milk

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You don’t have to pull out a ruler to cut your cinnamon rolls unless you are really unable to tolerate the inevitable height disparity

Instructions

Preheat oven to 375°

Spray a muffin pan with oil

Combine the flour, white sugar, baking soda and powder, and salt in a large bowl.

In a smaller bowl, mix the almond milk, vinegar, and 4 tbsp butter.

Add the milk mixture to the flower mixture

Roll out with a lot of flour on the counter (seriously, use a shitload of flour or you’ll cry when your dough is stuck to the counter).

Mix the melted butter with the brown sugar and the cinnamon and then smear all over the dough.

Roll it up, then cut into 8 or 9 even pieces. Place each piece in a muffin slot. Honestly, this would probably work with just a regular cookie sheet, but give them a little room to expand.

Bake for about 15 minutes

Make glaze by melting together more butter, brown sugar, and almond milk. Glaze cinnamon rolls.

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The glaze is mostly clear, but it’s still necessary. Just because you can’t see it doesn’t mean it’s not contributing.

Try not to eat too many salads in between your cinnamon rolls

-Serafina

Vegan Chili and Love

Winter is throwing its last tantrum before it will suddenly become spring and we will no longer talk about how much winter has been a bitch where I live.  I can’t always just get drunk to drown my sorrows, so I made chili.

 

I’m just kidding, of course I got drunk too.

 

This week has been incredibly hectic because, after 20 years, I finally finished that k-drama I started.  It was horrible. I lost so many hours to those beautiful men, wasted away my youth, and literally nothing in the show up until the end mattered.  Nothing.  It was just a bunch of random stuff and then they realized they should probably just end it and then they did.  It was beautiful.

 

Sorry, I’m still drunk.

 

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An actual picture of me feeling tied to this show and not knowing how the hell I will get out of it but being inappropriately well dressed for the occasion. 

 

To say that I phoned it in with this week’s blog would be an understatement.  I had been planning this recipe for about a month.  I took one picture.  Here it is:

 

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It’s not even a good one.  I took it with my phone because I was tired and didn’t want to walk into the next room to get my camera, which was fully charged and ready.

 

Anyway, I adapted a Betty Crocker slow cooker chili recipe to be vegan.  It retains all the flavor of the meat infused one, but is a lot healthier in the sense that I didn’t have to go out and buy extra cans of chili beans because I didn’t want to go shopping.  I also just cooked it on the stove top, but I would recommend putting it in a slow cooker for 8 hours to really get the recipe correct.

 

Slow Cooker Vegan Chili to Replace your Housemate on a Cold Night (adapted from Betty Crocker)

Ingredients:

  • 1 onion (or use onion powder like I did because you don’t have an onion)
  • 2-3 cloves of garlic, minced (again… powder works too)
  • 1 28oz can diced tomatoes (or 2 smaller cans)
  • 1 can black beans, drained and rinsed
  • 1 can pinto or kidney beans, drained and rinsed (use whatever you have on hand because that’s what I did)
  • 1/2 cup red lentils, rinsed
  • 4 cups frozen and cubed butternut squash (I used a small baby bag from a giant mommy bag from Costco)
  • 1 can tomato sauce
  • 2 TBSP chili powder
  • 1 1/2 tsp cumin
  • 1/2 tsp salt
  • 1/2 tsp pepper

 

Directions:

If you’re using real onion and garlic, sauté those in a pan with a teaspoon of oil for a few minutes until translucent.  Otherwise, add all the ingredients to the slow cooker, stir, and set to cook on low for 8 hours.  Eat with crackers and Beano.

 

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I finished off with vegan cupcakes and canned wine, because I’m classy and better than Martha Stewart.

 

There was no love in this post so I guess the title was a lie.  But now you can make lazy chili.

 

Everyone was related in the show,

Mary Ellen

 

Meal prepping like you have your life together

My dear readers, last night, as I finished a paper several hours ahead of schedule, I was feeling incredibly impressed with myself. After contemplating what I would be able to do for the rest of the evening, it dawned on me that the next day was my day to post and I had nothing prepared. You see, Mary Ellen and I have shown you all that we are “with it” ladies of the go-go 90’s, and you know we wouldn’t misrepresent ourselves. We have published volumes on time management and avoiding the perils of procrastination. And yet, there I was with nothing for you fine readers.

PSYCHE! I have an obscene amount of posts that I prepared at various times when I was avoiding writing papers, just in case there was ever a day when I wrote my papers over my blog posts. While I’m deeply ashamed and remorseful that day finally came, I am grateful for my past self who had her priorities in line. I promise I’ll get my shit together soon and take more pictures of gummy bears to inspire your healthy eating habits!

Let’s get to talking about meal prep. Now, I’ve read a lot about meal prep on other blogs. All the internet bitches are super into it (I’m using “bitches” in a gender-neutral sense here, so it’s not a hate crime). They say all this shit about how it’s “cheaper” and “healthier” than whatever the alternative is, but it’s really just a way to justify buying tons of glass containers off Amazon. Well, it’s time I joined them. And since we’re being thoughtful about our meals for the rest of the week, we want to make sure we are nourishing our minds, bodies, souls, and also being stewards to the planet. Let’s make a frozen pizza!

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Make sure you pick up some bulk Lactaid while you’re stocking up on pizza, you’re going to need it.

So you can see here that I have purchased this frozen cheese pizza from Costco. I used to buy the organic frozen pizzas from Costco, but since becoming an impoverished professional student, I switched to the normal, more economical convenience foods. The good news is that what this pizza lacks in fanciness and flavor, it makes up in calorie density!

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In order to ensure that this sumptuous feast will feed me for days of school and work, I have purchased some completely unnecessary glass containers and placed pizza in each container. I’m sure this would not have worked if I used the tupperware I already owned.

I know what you’re thinking: what the fuck was that first picture with the green rice and chickpeas? Well, it was a legitimately good meal that took fucking forever to cook, so I don’t plan on making it again anytime soon. But it was really good so I’ll link it for you out of the kindness of my heart. Read that recipe and then go stock up on frozen pizza.

In health and wellness,

-Serafina

 

Vegan Pancakes and Hash for Your Soul

Yes I know.  I’ve been cooking.  Honestly, a person can only get so much therapeutic benefits from an Irish health smoothie before they have to clean up their life.  That person might be me.

 

This week’s recipe is one that even Serafina’s vegetarian ass can get behind.  It’s healthy, wholesome (unlike your mom), meat and dairy free, and also guilt free, so you can shove all these things in everyone’s faces at the next family get together.  There’s no reason Easter also can’t be a holiday that families fight about food ethics.  We can do better.  Insert your jabs about Trump’s policies on deporting all vegetables from his plate, or how Bernie wouldn’t be such a commie if he’s stop enslaving cows.  There you go, I provided topics for next year to get past all that awkward “weather” talk.

 

I was inspired to create these recipes to try and get my toddler to eat something with nutritional value.  It didn’t work on him, but it did work on my husband so it’s a soft win.  This also satisfies both team sweet and savory at the breakfast table.

 

For the Hash:

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I am slow to prep veggies, so I put it all in together, and no one died because I didn’t cook down the onions first.  

Ingredients:

  • 1-2 lbs yellow potatoes, diced
  • 1 red bell pepper, diced
  • 1 can of chickpeas, drained and rinsed
  • 2 cloves of garlic, minced
  • 1/2 sweet onion, diced
  • 1 TBSP olive oil
  • 1/2 cup nutritional yeast
  • 1 TBSP fresh dill
  • Herbamare to taste

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Oh wait, no I died a little inside but there’s no evidence it was because of the onions.

Directions:

Heat olive oil on medium heat.  Add the potatoes, pepper, garlic, and onion to the pan and sauté until the potatoes are fork tender.  Mash up the chickpeas and add to the pan, as well as the nutritional yeast and dill, and cook until the chickpeas are heated.  Season to taste.  Burn a little bit to the pan.

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Serve with salsa or hot sauce or whatever.  I chose salsa.  I guess I should have included it in the ingredients list.  Too late now.

 

For the Pancakes:

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OMG it seriously is hard to take these dripping batter pictures.

Ingredients:

  • 1 cup raw buckwheat groats, ground to a powder
  • 1/2 cup whole wheat flour (I used King Arthur)
  • 2 tsp baking powder
  • Pinch of salt
  • 1 3/4 – 2 cups unsweetened almond milk
  • 2 tsp vanilla
  • 2 TBSP maple syrup

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It surprisingly fluffs up, despite the lack of eggs.

Directions:

Whisk the dry ingredients together in a big bowl.  Add the wet ingredients and whisk until smooth.  You don’t need to whisk wet separately, and you need the batter smooth, no clumps.  Let it rest for a few minutes before you griddle it up.

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This was my personal plate.

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Tried to take another drizzle pic, failed even harder.  This is homemade cashew cream to keep with the vegan theme.

I don’t know how to end this post, but I want to go eat pudding now, so I’ll just do it awkwardly.

 

Mary Ellen

Beet, Carrot, Apple, Ginger Juice

I’m going to try something different with you guys today. Instead of my usual fool-proof recipe that I provide you so that you can finally learn to cook and stop disappointing your family, I’m going to walk you through a cautionary tale about juice.

In a misguided “it’s still early in 2018 so I should try to eat healthy or something” attempt, I decided to make juice without a juicer. You see, juicers are probably expensive, and I don’t really like juice that much. So I never got around to buying one. I also never got married, so I only have kitchen appliances that I decided to purchase with legal currency or received as a hand-me-down. Anyway, no juicer. And I thought I didn’t care about juicing until I found several recipes for a beet-carrot-apple-ginger juice that’s made in a blender. Let’s start with the recipe and then we’ll get to the cautionary tale part…

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Ingredients:

Beet (peel it and cut it into some pieces so your blender doesn’t explode or something)

Apple (same instructions as above, but less important because apples aren’t as hard as beets)

Some carrots

1” chunk of peeled ginger

Instructions:

Throw it all in the blender with about ½ cup water or other juice (I used water, why would I be making juice if I already had juice?)

Blend

Dump into a sieve over a bowl and wait for it to drip out

 

Ok, now that the nitty gritty is out of the way, let’s talk about why you should never make juice with a blender, especially this juice.

First of all, the blender handled the task pretty well and didn’t explode, so that went fine. I was really busy trying not to stain my clothes as I dumped the “juice” pulp into a sieve/bowl so I didn’t get any pictures of that step. Luckily for you, as I have mentioned previously, I am a certified courtroom illustrator, so I can recreate the scene for you with ease and accuracy.

sieve and bowl

Now, as the juice is dripping into the bowl at mind-bogglingly slow pace, you might think that it smells really fresh and that you’re excited to drink it. Don’t get your hopes up. After the first round of straining, mine was still SUPER chunky, so I had to strain it a second time with a finer sieve. All told, I spent like 15 minutes mushing around pulp before I got about 200ml juice.

juice with straw3

At this point, I figured this juice had to be fucking mind blowingly amazing or no one would have ever wasted their time with it in the first place. So, I took my first sip, and it was kinda ok. Then I took my second sip, and I thought it was kind of interesting, and warming with the ginger juice. And then when I took my third sip, I audibly gagged and had to try really hard not to vomit in the kitchen.

After that shock wore off, I thought it through and realized that I was just having an uncontrollable gag reflex and horribly unpleasant warm feeling in my stomach because of the ginger juice. No biggie. So I did what any good girlfriend would do, I brought the juice to my boyfriend and made him try it. He didn’t describe wanting to vomit, but he reported feeling repulsed before passing on a second sip.

So I was now faced with a dilemma, I had about half the awful juice left but I had put so much work into it I couldn’t bear to waste it. After deliberating for about 20 minutes, I decided that I had no choice. I gulped the rest of it down, which was a deeply regrettable decision.

You know, after all of that I’m actually having trouble deciding if this was a cautionary tale or a strong endorsement. Let’s do a Pro/Con list, those always help:

Pros:

  • Your kitchen sink will make you feel like Dexter when you are cleaning up
  • You will feel very healthful prior to drinking this juice
  • Your blender probably won’t explode
  • You can give your chickens some beet greens, which they LOVE!
  • If the Dexter part really resonated, you can cover your hands in the leftover pulp and pretend that you murdered your boyfriend for a few seconds until it gets just a little bit too dark or he walks in on you and looks like he might call the cops

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I had a picture of this that was in focus, but I felt this one captured the moment a little better

Cons:

  • You will most likely vomit upon drinking the juice, or at the very least experience severe nausea
  • Your kitchen will be very messy and beet juice stains everything
  • You will most definitely get a beet juice stain on your favorite sweatshirt, no matter how careful you are
  • You might develop a taste aversion to all of the ingredients in the juice as a result of drinking it
  • If you end up keeping the juice down, all of the bodily excretions you have over the next several hours to days will “bleed” red because of the beet juice (wait, should this be on the pro list?)

You know what? We’re tied! 5 pros, 5 cons! I guess I’ll just leave it up to you to decide if you want to make this fancy blender juice!

Happy juicing!!

Serafina

Goodbye, Old-Ass Year

I figured I would make my final recipe post for 2016 – wait – 2017, my most complex one yet.

Okay, I hope you’re all done laughing now. I would never ever ruin a good year of coming up with half-assed recipes with a decent one. I would never ruin things, like Serafina always does. Like when she puts wine into recipes instead of drinking it. I will never understand such monsters.

So if you’re done with the old year and have given up in hopes that somehow changing a ‘7’ to an ‘8’ will somehow make your life better, well, my recipe this week won’t get in the way of that. It’s very self-loathing positive. Also, if you are snowed in or something, it uses very few ingredients, and you may have some lying around, or you can just make something else.

Whatever, I’m already drunk for NYE so I don’t care.

Mary Ellen’s fancy rice recipe

Ingredients:

  • 1 cup cooked brown rice
  • 2 tsp sesame oil
  • 1/2 cup veggie of choice (I used shelled edamame)
  • Salt to taste
  • Hummus as needed (optional)

Directions:

Cook up rice in a rice cooker because who the hell actually makes it on a stove. Steam vegetables, then mix all together with oil and sprinkling of salt. I enjoy mine with hummus, but I bet ranch dressing would also work.

Now go make some drunken mistakes with camera phones this NYE.

Mary Ellen